Written by Heather Caliri of A Little Yes.
Can I make a really weird confession to you?
I love books. And sometimes I feel anxiety about them.
I was an English major, and I’m a writer.
My love of books is a huge part of why I started homeschooling. We check out dozens of books at a time from the library. We are awash in books.
So no one was more surprised to me to realize that they caused me shame.
If I got too few books, I felt guilty for not keeping my kids in reading material.
If I got too many, I worried that we didn’t read everything.
I fretted that I wasn’t getting the right books. When my kids weren’t interested in my selections, I lambasted myself for choosing poorly.
When they loved them, and wanted to read them AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN I felt selfish for getting bored.
Photo by Takuma Kimura
When I saw other homeschool bloggers wax poetic about their favorite authors, and blithely recommend new titles that I’d never heard of before, and suggest season-specific ideas, and be conversant in trends in children’s literature, I hated my sense of incompetence.
Everyone else knows what they’re doing, I thought.
Everyone else does a better job at this.
The thought was so internal and quiet that I didn’t really examine it. I just pushed it down, and went to the library website and ordered more titles, hoping it would make me feel better.
Here’s the funny thing about shame: it doesn’t just magically go away. No, it tends to lurk like a toddler outside your bathroom door.
But a month ago, when shame started its whine of everyone else does better, I stopped. I examined my thought. (Are you surprised that I’ve been in therapy recently?)
Okay, then, I told myself. If everyone else knows what they’re doing, then maybe I should go ask for help.
I got on Facebook. In my post, I admitted my feeling of incompetence and asked for some recommendations. I wasn’t surprised to have two of my closest, book-loving mommy friends chime back graciously with suggestions.
Their graciousness made me feel a lot better.
My honesty made me feel a lot better.
But something flummoxed me.
Most of their book ideas? I’d already read them with my kids. I was bewildered. I’d been expecting a secret invitation to the Club of the Good Book Pickers. I’d been expecting them to blow me away.
Instead, I got a list I could have made myself. This frustrated me. I know that, I wanted to say. Give me better suggestions!
Instead, I turned over this information in my head for a few days, wondering what to make of it. Finally, I realized two things:
- I had grossly exaggerated my own incompetence.
- I had assumed that my friends came up with book ideas magically, without struggle, thought or hard work.
When I looked closely at the books on their lists, I saw that I indeed had things to learn. I didn’t often look for the backlists of authors we enjoyed. I didn’t subscribe to any blogs about books. And I also needed to relax.
This is the crux of how I drive myself crazy as a homeschooling mother. I stay quiet about my fears, shame, and anxiety because I am sure I’m alone.
Surely everyone else wheels along blissfully with their children, having one educational high-jink after another. They don’t have to work at it, because they just get it. And if I don’t just get it, magically, then I’m a failure.
Let’s stop for a moment here.
How did I end up defining success as achievement without trying? That’s about the worst interpretation ever.
Photo by Sean Dreilinger
I’m getting better about stopping and reframing these automatic thoughts. Every time I do, I feel freed.
Even so, it surprises me that shame can lurk in the areas of our life we most love. I love books. I love homeschooling. I didn’t want to admit I felt anxious about the intersection between them.
I’m trying to hold the books we read lightly in my hands. To see them as portals of delight again, instead of a yardstick of my success.
And to anticipate going with my kids into that delight on every single page.
Do you ever share your homeschooling fears? Who do you turn to when you need support?
On free-range kids and letting go of labels
That is me EXACTLY!!!! Thank you.
So glad to know! I felt weird when I realized I had this much anxiety about something so lovely 🙂
Heather Caliri’s latest post: the story of motherhood on the head of a pin
This is me!!! Thank you so much for sharing. As I’ve learned to ask for recommendations/crowdsource for suggestions…what are some of your favorite books to read with your kids and homeschool blogs?
Hey, Jamie! We’re re-reading the Little House books right now. My kids also enjoyed the first Betsy-Tacy book, but my 5yo lost interest when the girls were older than she is 🙂 Other favorites: Ivy and Bean, Dory Phantasmagory, The Story of the World, and D’Aulaire’s Greek Mythology. We’re not QUITE at the read-aloud-to-everybody-stage, so it’s hard to list books that both of them like at the same time. But my oldest loves the Andrew Lang color fairy books, the Narnia series, and the American Girls series, and the Ramona books. And they both love Fancy Nancy and Pinkalicious (though my GOSH I am not a fan of the latter). We also love Cynthia Rylant’s series like Henry and Mudge, Annie and Snowball, and Mr. Putter and Tabby.
As for homeschool blogs…I have to confess: they sometimes make me anxious too. This one is one of the few that doesn’t, along with Melissa Camara Wilkins’ blog.
Heather Caliri’s latest post: the story of motherhood on the head of a pin
Love the honesty in this post. I share my homeschooling fears on my page. I have to vent about them, otherwise I’d drive myself bonkers. I, too, feel book anxiety. I’m a bibliophile but there are just so many books to read and not enough time. I never feel well-read even though others think that I am (and, likely, they are correct). We all need to go easier on ourselves 🙂 Thanks for this.
Cait Fitz @ My Little Poppies’s latest post: St. Patrick’s Day Books for Families
You’re welcome, Cait 🙂 “We all need to go easier on ourselves”. Amen, amen, amen.
Heather Caliri’s latest post: the story of motherhood on the head of a pin
I know the feeling and I cannot thank you enough for sharing your fears with everyone. I second guess everything and while it may seem like a bad habit to have I am willing to say that we are in tune with our emotions and love our kids so much that we worry ourselves about everything. If you did not have those anxieties than there may be a problem 😉 Thank you again for bearing your soul with this post. Amazingly honest and made my day!
Oh, good! Yes, I think the awareness and deep caring is essential. I just don’t want it to be paralyzing or rob me of joy. It’s a good question: what’s the balance between keep ourselves accountable and looking for ways to improve and driving ourselves absolutely bananas with insecurity? Someone? Anyone?
Heather Caliri’s latest post: the story of motherhood on the head of a pin
Thank you for writing courageously. I would like to share with you, that you are not alone.
Brene Brown is a shame researcher and she has some Ted talks that you may listen to online free of charge. She has YouTube videos that are wonderful as well, particularly, one on Empathy that I enjoy. I wanted to share these resources with you, because I so appreciate you sharing your voice with us, with me.
Thank you!
So beautifully and honestly shared. Thank you! I often feel the same way about books — there are so many good ones and I guess I feel like I want to read them ALL. I have to just be content with our slow and steady pace and enjoy what we can do!
This resonates with me so much. Homeschooling in general causes me anxiety: huge debilitating anxiety. And the thing is on paper it shouldn’t. I was home schooled back in the 80’s by groundbreaking parents who were organizers of a local homeschooling movement. Add to that a degree in English Teaching and career experience as a High School English teacher to at-risk teens and you’d think that I’d have my sh*t together. Instead I am scared sh*tless. I’ve had frequent “break downs” to my husband this first year of homeschooling my 5yo: I can’t do this. It’s just not me. I don’t want to do this. Why are you making me do this….it hasn’t been pretty. But a lot of it I think has to do with (like you mentioned) my expectations and the assumption that I’m getting it wrong and I’m alone. I really appreciate your post. Thank you!
You can do this, Sarah! I think we’ve all been where you are as we try to get our heads on straight when it comes to homeschooling. This post came to mind if it might be of help to take the pressure off: http://simplehomeschl.wpengine.com/help-my-5-year-old-wont-do-school/