Never let your schooling interrupt your education.

Going beyond ‘I love you’ to build up a soul

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Written by Rachel Macy Stafford of Hands Free Mama

When I began my Hands Free journey five years ago, I did it to free myself from the external distractions, internal pressures, and unrealistic societal standards that prevented me from truly living.

But there was an unexpected result: As my distracted ways lessened, my loving ways increased—tenfold.

For the first time in my life I saw a direct correlation between my undivided presence and my ability to love my people in ways that most nurtured them. When I was in their presence, I studied them. I listened to them. I watched their faces when I used certain words and tones.

I noted what words brought sighs of relief … surges of confidence … and glows of acceptance.

I vowed to say those words more.

I also noted what words brought shame … disconnection … pain … and silence. I vowed to say those words less. Over time, I collected quite a powerful list of words that helped me love my people in ways that helped them thrive.

Like sunlight and water to a plant, these words nourished the deepest parts of their human hearts and fostered growth in all areas of their lives. Hence, I called them Soul-Building Words.

Recently a reader of my blog wrote to me about the disconnection she was experiencing with her daughter. Her daughter was facing great challenges and the mother wanted to support her in ways that would lift and strengthen her.

The mother asked, “Do you have any words I can say to my daughter?”

That is when my mental Soul-Building List became a physical one. When I shared it on The Hands Free Revolution page, many people said they wanted to hang that list on their refrigerator, in their bedroom, in their child’s bedroom, in their classroom, in their office, and even on their foreheads.

“Please make this list a printable!” I heard over and over.

So here is my list of 20 Soul-Building phrases. Click the image below to download your own printable version!

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Soul-Building Words for the Ones You Love:

When they need to know how much you love them:
  • You make my day better.
  • You make my life better.
  • I love spending time with you.
  • Seeing your face makes me happy.
When they need to know you are ALL there:
  • I’m listening.
  • My time is all yours.
  • How can I be a better _____ (parent, friend, spouse) to you?
  • Nothing is more important than being with you right now.
When they are stressed or frustrated:
  • How can I help.
  • Take your time. You don’t have to rush.
  • I think you are doing a tremendous job.
  • Keep going. You got this.
When they experience failure:
  • Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can.
  • Mistakes mean you are bravely learning and growing.
  • It may not be the outcome you hoped for, but I noticed your effort and it was quite remarkable.
  • I believe in you.
When they face a challenge:
  • I am amazed at how much you are handling right now.
  • I am learning a lot from you by watching you do something so challenging.
  • This isn’t over—there’s still time to turn this around.
  • You are not alone.

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The words “I love you” should never be underestimated, but every human being has a few words that make her soul come alive … that bring peace to his uncertain heart … that help them rise when they fall.

Discover what those words are by watching—what makes her smile? What motivates him to keep trying? What adds a spring to his step?

Commit those soul-building words to memory and say them as often as you can…so that one day you are no longer needed in order for your children to hear them.

About Hands Free Life:

HFLA note from Jamie: Rachel is the New York Times bestselling author of the book Hands Free Mama, and her highly anticipated book, Hands Free Life, has just been published!

It is a book about living life, not managing, stressing, screaming, or barely getting through it.

I had the privilege of reviewing and providing an endorsement for Rachel’s book, and I mean every word that I wrote:

“I learned just a couple of chapters in to Hands Free Life not to sit down with the book unless I also had a box of tissues at the ready.

Rachel’s truthful style of storytelling brought me to grateful tears again and again, redirecting my gaze me back to the beauty found in my everyday, regular ordinary…and reminding me that perfectionism is not a prerequisite for a hands free journey. Such a freeing message!” 

What words have you found that build up the souls of your children?

About Rachel Stafford

Rachel Macy Stafford is the founder of Hands Free Mama where she provides simple ways to let go of daily distraction and grasp what matters most in life.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Allison

    Love this post! I often say to my kiddos, “I can’t believe how blessed I am to get to be your mama.” Would love a copy of the new book! Congrats!! 🙂

  3. Jana V

    And Words corny children – I believe you can do this! Let’s try together! You are my most favorite (5 yr old, little boy, girl w freckles, etc)!

  11. Mandy Powell

    Good job! Each time you work on ___ you get better! Keep up the good work.
    That was very loving and kind of you! I love seeing you being kind to others.

  12. Mary

    It’s not always what I say, but how I say it- meaningfully, with a touch and looking into their eyes. One of my favorites is “I’m listening.”

  13. Susen Waller

    My kids love it when I come up with cute nicknames for them. They constantly change with whatever season we are in. Sometimes they even suggest silly ones, like at this moment, my daughter’s nickname is “Peachfluff” and my son is “Pear”. It is so rewarding to see their little faces beam whenever I use their nicknames and ask for a hug or kiss.

  14. Rene S

    “I imagine God is smiling even bigger than I am watching you _____!”
    And Recently …. “I have never thought to mention to you how much it says about you that you always replace the toilet paper when it’s out, how considerate of you!” Corny, I know, but she just beamed!

  20. Melanie

    One word. Time. It is the slow time and space that homeschooling creates that give us the most connection with our little people. Love that!

  22. Lisa

    A playful almost game of “I love you more than ____(ice cream, playgrounds etc)” works wonders with my 3 year old. Also phrases like “You’re such a big helper! What would I do without you!” And suggesting to play a game before he even asks. I notice the phrase that make his face drop the most are when I say things like “Not now. Maybe later.” Or “in a little bit.” So I have been trying to replace those with more positive phrases. Or even if possible making changes to my chedule so it doesn’t feel like we’re always putting “together time” off. (Your book was a big help to me!)

  26. Kristi

    Hi Rachel – I pre-ordered the book, but just wondering how I get the free digital download of the other book? =0)

  28. Charise McNutt

    I love to tell them, “You are created a man of honor. You ARE a man of honor”. Or to my daughter I say a woman of honor. I constantly remind them they are created for a great purpose. Thank you for more wonderful ideas of words.

  30. Kristine

    When they are at an activity, afterwards saying, “I love watching you _____________” They like that so much more than any thoughts on their performance.

  35. Nicole

    I love how you are so creative. My son is always building something with Legos and never ceases to amaze me.

  38. Sarah

    It’s not a specific phrase, but with four children, it’s very nurturing to whoever is talking when I make the others be quiet and let each one have their own turn to talk without interruption. It’s also nurturing to them when I remember to go back and ask the interrupters what they were going to say.

  39. Joanna Moir

    I often tell my children, “I love the way God made you!” To me this is so important, because I am/was very strong-willed and as a child I often felt shame because of who I was, and I don’t want my children to carry that shame!

  40. Heather C

    In the morning I try to say, “I’m so happy to see you” to each child. Then we give “good morning hugs.” Thanks!

  43. Amanda W.

    I shared on Facebook and pinned on Pinterest and would have tweeted if I had a Twitter account. ????

  46. Shannon Hollier

    We must tell each other “I Love You” 50 times a day, which he usually initiates first. So when I say it first or look him in the eyes and say it, it makes him glow. Also, when I tell him he is such a big boy and a big helper he loves to hear that.

  47. Ali

    When my four-year-old is frustrated and acting out, I quietly say to him “I can tell you are having some big feelings right now. Could you please use your words to share them with me? Your feelings are important to me.” He always seems to stand a little taller, as he talks things through with me.

  48. Adell

    Love all the Moms and Pops that use these words to build a healthy child and make the world a better place. “Your Mom and Pop can’t get enough of you”

  49. Courtney

    I’ve found that asking specific questions about what they’re talking about really encourages them to share more about the topic and they get more animated about it; their eyes light up a little more!

  51. Susie T.

    I tell my kids, “If God had lined up all the babies in the world and told me I could choose any two I wanted, I would have pointed to the two of you and said I want these two! They are perfect for me!”
    They say I am perfect for them, too! ????

  53. Susan C

    I am so proud of you because you always do the best that you can do and always have a great attitude.

  56. Lucia Chandra

    Mama and papa love you, but know that Jesus loves you even more. He is your source of true and everlasting love. Know that your whole life and you will be fine in everything you do. You are accepted and you are righteous in Him.

  58. Stephanie

    Aloha,

    To my sons, four and six, who crawl into our bed every morning to snuggle…” I love waking up to you in the morning” and “it doesn’t get any better than this” (because it doesn’t!) I also tell them how honored and grateful I am to be their Mama…

  62. Erin Miller

    “You my favorite little boy in the whole world” “You are my favorite little girl in the whole world” “I’m so glad I’m your mom” “I’m so glad I get to be home with you”

  68. nasly

    “You’re trying hard and that’s what matters” and “making mistakes is part of learning”
    Thank you for these new words to build their souls.

  69. Debbie

    “say them as often as you can…so that one day you are no longer needed in order for your children to hear them.” This is ringing in my heart. Thank you!

  70. Cara@TheHomeLearner

    Sometimes, I just look my child in the eyes and say “I really like you.” And I make sure to say this when they are giddy and full of being themselves – in the moment. It’s almost like an interruption, but it’s so powerful to say it when they’re experiencing the feeling of liking themselves.

    Also, I often encourage them when challenged or failing – “All you need to do is try.” Teaching them what it *means* to try something means I need to teach them about risk. And to do that means I need to get over my own fear of failure.

    The beauty and magic happen when words and life fit together and make sense.

    Thanks for this post and the power words! Greatly appreciated.
    Cara@TheHomeLearner’s latest post: In Search of a Twaddle Free Childhood