Written by Rachel Macy Stafford of Hands Free Mama
When I began my Hands Free journey five years ago, I did it to free myself from the external distractions, internal pressures, and unrealistic societal standards that prevented me from truly living.
But there was an unexpected result: As my distracted ways lessened, my loving ways increased—tenfold.
For the first time in my life I saw a direct correlation between my undivided presence and my ability to love my people in ways that most nurtured them. When I was in their presence, I studied them. I listened to them. I watched their faces when I used certain words and tones.
I noted what words brought sighs of relief … surges of confidence … and glows of acceptance.
I vowed to say those words more.
I also noted what words brought shame … disconnection … pain … and silence. I vowed to say those words less. Over time, I collected quite a powerful list of words that helped me love my people in ways that helped them thrive.
Like sunlight and water to a plant, these words nourished the deepest parts of their human hearts and fostered growth in all areas of their lives. Hence, I called them Soul-Building Words.
Recently a reader of my blog wrote to me about the disconnection she was experiencing with her daughter. Her daughter was facing great challenges and the mother wanted to support her in ways that would lift and strengthen her.
The mother asked, “Do you have any words I can say to my daughter?”
That is when my mental Soul-Building List became a physical one. When I shared it on The Hands Free Revolution page, many people said they wanted to hang that list on their refrigerator, in their bedroom, in their child’s bedroom, in their classroom, in their office, and even on their foreheads.
“Please make this list a printable!” I heard over and over.
So here is my list of 20 Soul-Building phrases. Click the image below to download your own printable version!
Soul-Building Words for the Ones You Love:
When they need to know how much you love them:
- You make my day better.
- You make my life better.
- I love spending time with you.
- Seeing your face makes me happy.
When they need to know you are ALL there:
- I’m listening.
- My time is all yours.
- How can I be a better _____ (parent, friend, spouse) to you?
- Nothing is more important than being with you right now.
When they are stressed or frustrated:
- How can I help.
- Take your time. You don’t have to rush.
- I think you are doing a tremendous job.
- Keep going. You got this.
When they experience failure:
- Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can.
- Mistakes mean you are bravely learning and growing.
- It may not be the outcome you hoped for, but I noticed your effort and it was quite remarkable.
- I believe in you.
When they face a challenge:
- I am amazed at how much you are handling right now.
- I am learning a lot from you by watching you do something so challenging.
- This isn’t over—there’s still time to turn this around.
- You are not alone.
The words “I love you” should never be underestimated, but every human being has a few words that make her soul come alive … that bring peace to his uncertain heart … that help them rise when they fall.
Discover what those words are by watching—what makes her smile? What motivates him to keep trying? What adds a spring to his step?
Commit those soul-building words to memory and say them as often as you can…so that one day you are no longer needed in order for your children to hear them.
About Hands Free Life:
A note from Jamie: Rachel is the New York Times bestselling author of the book Hands Free Mama, and her highly anticipated book, Hands Free Life, has just been published!
It is a book about living life, not managing, stressing, screaming, or barely getting through it.
I had the privilege of reviewing and providing an endorsement for Rachel’s book, and I mean every word that I wrote:
“I learned just a couple of chapters in to Hands Free Life not to sit down with the book unless I also had a box of tissues at the ready.
Rachel’s truthful style of storytelling brought me to grateful tears again and again, redirecting my gaze me back to the beauty found in my everyday, regular ordinary…and reminding me that perfectionism is not a prerequisite for a hands free journey. Such a freeing message!”
What words have you found that build up the souls of your children?
Inspiring homeschool links
“I can tell you worked hard on that!”
Love this post! I often say to my kiddos, “I can’t believe how blessed I am to get to be your mama.” Would love a copy of the new book! Congrats!! 🙂
And Words corny children – I believe you can do this! Let’s try together! You are my most favorite (5 yr old, little boy, girl w freckles, etc)!
I love seeing you use the talents God gave you!!! You are such an amazing boy!
“you are my favorite 9, 8, 7, 5, 4 etc year old ever, I am so glad God gave me the gift of you!”
You are smart. You are kind. You are beautiful.
“I am so thankful that God gave you to me–I LOVE being your mama!”
I’ve found that simply asking, “What’s on your mind” works, but most importantly, its the act of sitting for as long as I need to for them to respond.
Kela Nellums’s latest post: Flight Plans and Rerouting
You are my treasure, and God’s treasure too! Your life is a miracle.
(Shared on Facebook!)
Good job! Each time you work on ___ you get better! Keep up the good work.
That was very loving and kind of you! I love seeing you being kind to others.
It’s not always what I say, but how I say it- meaningfully, with a touch and looking into their eyes. One of my favorites is “I’m listening.”
My kids love it when I come up with cute nicknames for them. They constantly change with whatever season we are in. Sometimes they even suggest silly ones, like at this moment, my daughter’s nickname is “Peachfluff” and my son is “Pear”. It is so rewarding to see their little faces beam whenever I use their nicknames and ask for a hug or kiss.
“I imagine God is smiling even bigger than I am watching you _____!”
And Recently …. “I have never thought to mention to you how much it says about you that you always replace the toilet paper when it’s out, how considerate of you!” Corny, I know, but she just beamed!
“I am very proud of you.”
(Shared on Facebook)
I love you more! I believe in you! I don’t need anything else, I have you!
“Thank you for being born to me! I love being your Mommy. “
I believe in you has been the key to getting my kids to open up and share with me.
One word. Time. It is the slow time and space that homeschooling creates that give us the most connection with our little people. Love that!
“I’m sorry”
“You are doing great! Let’s try it again together”
“Even if I’m mad, I will always love you” –because my 3 year old is trying to be responsible for my feelings :/
alyssaz’s latest post: Atlantis Quest {Cover Reveal}
A playful almost game of “I love you more than ____(ice cream, playgrounds etc)” works wonders with my 3 year old. Also phrases like “You’re such a big helper! What would I do without you!” And suggesting to play a game before he even asks. I notice the phrase that make his face drop the most are when I say things like “Not now. Maybe later.” Or “in a little bit.” So I have been trying to replace those with more positive phrases. Or even if possible making changes to my chedule so it doesn’t feel like we’re always putting “together time” off. (Your book was a big help to me!)
I will always love you no matter what…and I am here for you and listening.
Shared on facebook!
“I’m so thankful for you.”
Truly, I believe that eye contact, a smile, and a one-on-one conversation – even amid the noise and chaos of daily life- can move mountains with these little kiddos. It’s so important to take a moment and just be- these children are gone in a blink!
Cait @ My Little Poppies’s latest post: Learn About Map Grids with Battleship
Hi Rachel – I pre-ordered the book, but just wondering how I get the free digital download of the other book? =0)
Being with you fills my heart with love and joy!
I love to tell them, “You are created a man of honor. You ARE a man of honor”. Or to my daughter I say a woman of honor. I constantly remind them they are created for a great purpose. Thank you for more wonderful ideas of words.
“Your ability to test solutions is awesome!”
I would love a copy of the book! Thanks!!
When they are at an activity, afterwards saying, “I love watching you _____________” They like that so much more than any thoughts on their performance.
What an amazing list! Something that I try to say to my daughter (who is a prolific artist!) is “I noticed that you did this ____” when she wants to show me something and that seems to be really uplifting to her .
Sarah M
Sarah M’s latest post: 15 in 2015: Make “Joy the Baker” ‘s Confetti Cookies
I have a dear friend who is a master of using these phrases…I wonder if she’s read your blog? Thank you for sharing, I’m definitely going to be using these with my kiddos.
Katie Laws’s latest post: When It’s Time to Quit: Week 2 Wrap Up
“You are my favorite (name of child) in the whole wide world!”
I tell my children “your the best love I will ever know!”
I love how you are so creative. My son is always building something with Legos and never ceases to amaze me.
Post shared on Facebook.
I’m here for you, no matter what. Forever.
It’s not a specific phrase, but with four children, it’s very nurturing to whoever is talking when I make the others be quiet and let each one have their own turn to talk without interruption. It’s also nurturing to them when I remember to go back and ask the interrupters what they were going to say.
I often tell my children, “I love the way God made you!” To me this is so important, because I am/was very strong-willed and as a child I often felt shame because of who I was, and I don’t want my children to carry that shame!
In the morning I try to say, “I’m so happy to see you” to each child. Then we give “good morning hugs.” Thanks!
Shared on Facebook!
I could desperately use this book right now! Thank you for the opportunity to win it.
I shared on Facebook and pinned on Pinterest and would have tweeted if I had a Twitter account. ????
I might not like what you are doing, but I always LOVE YOU. No matter what.
I love you, (nickname)!
We must tell each other “I Love You” 50 times a day, which he usually initiates first. So when I say it first or look him in the eyes and say it, it makes him glow. Also, when I tell him he is such a big boy and a big helper he loves to hear that.
When my four-year-old is frustrated and acting out, I quietly say to him “I can tell you are having some big feelings right now. Could you please use your words to share them with me? Your feelings are important to me.” He always seems to stand a little taller, as he talks things through with me.
Love all the Moms and Pops that use these words to build a healthy child and make the world a better place. “Your Mom and Pop can’t get enough of you”
I’ve found that asking specific questions about what they’re talking about really encourages them to share more about the topic and they get more animated about it; their eyes light up a little more!
I shared on Facebook ????
I tell my kids, “If God had lined up all the babies in the world and told me I could choose any two I wanted, I would have pointed to the two of you and said I want these two! They are perfect for me!”
They say I am perfect for them, too! ????
“I am so proud of you for working so hard”
“I can hear you and I’m listening”
I am so proud of you because you always do the best that you can do and always have a great attitude.
I tell my children, “I’m so glad you were born.” or “I’m so glad you are part of our family.”
Cynthia | The Hippie Housewife’s latest post: In Praise of Quiet Time
“You are precious to my heart.”
“I’m lucky to have you as part of my world.”
Mama and papa love you, but know that Jesus loves you even more. He is your source of true and everlasting love. Know that your whole life and you will be fine in everything you do. You are accepted and you are righteous in Him.
That was really hard but you did it anyway. I am so glad you are part of our family.
Aloha,
To my sons, four and six, who crawl into our bed every morning to snuggle…” I love waking up to you in the morning” and “it doesn’t get any better than this” (because it doesn’t!) I also tell them how honored and grateful I am to be their Mama…
“I’m glad I get to be your mom!”
“I’m listening to you.”
Amy @ Hope Is the Word’s latest post: Audiobook shorts
I shared on FB.
Amy @ Hope Is the Word’s latest post: Audiobook shorts
“You my favorite little boy in the whole world” “You are my favorite little girl in the whole world” “I’m so glad I’m your mom” “I’m so glad I get to be home with you”
“I love spending time with you” or “I’m so lucky to be your mom!”
“I am so proud to be your mom” and “You are truly one of the kindest people I have ever met”.
Time in nature
Loved the first book! When I tell my boys I am listening and here for them it always seems to help.
Rosemarie’s latest post: a new hat
Your smile makes me happy.
Thank you!
“You’re trying hard and that’s what matters” and “making mistakes is part of learning”
Thank you for these new words to build their souls.
“say them as often as you can…so that one day you are no longer needed in order for your children to hear them.” This is ringing in my heart. Thank you!
Sometimes, I just look my child in the eyes and say “I really like you.” And I make sure to say this when they are giddy and full of being themselves – in the moment. It’s almost like an interruption, but it’s so powerful to say it when they’re experiencing the feeling of liking themselves.
Also, I often encourage them when challenged or failing – “All you need to do is try.” Teaching them what it *means* to try something means I need to teach them about risk. And to do that means I need to get over my own fear of failure.
The beauty and magic happen when words and life fit together and make sense.
Thanks for this post and the power words! Greatly appreciated.
Cara@TheHomeLearner’s latest post: In Search of a Twaddle Free Childhood