Written by Kara Anderson
Recently, someone referred to me as a “homeschool veteran.”
I told my hair stylist about it and she responded with open-mouthed shock:
“Girrrrl!” she said. “They were basically calling you old.”
And then she tried some different things with my part and started talking about doing something fun with color. I think my hair stylist’s answer to any perceived insult about aging is “more layers.”
Now the thing is, this person wasn’t calling me old. She wasn’t insulting me at all, actually – just the opposite. She was lending me a bit of credibility, telling people that I have experience.
We just started our seventh year of learning at home.
So I totally know what I’m doing.
Right?
Because the thing is, I just don’t always feel like a veteran.
Homeschooling still feels overwhelming for me sometimes. We change paths periodically. Just when we find a plan that works, something shifts, and I’m on the hunt for ideas again.
Maybe that’s how you feel too?
Or maybe you’re just starting out – this is your first year, and you’re wondering if your mother-in-law, your judgy neighbor or the random lady at the park is right – maybe you aren’t competent enough to do this.
Maybe you made a huge mistake. (Hint: You probably didn’t.)
Today I want to share some tips for growing your confidence when you feel a little shaky.
1. Watch how to talk to yourself.
I recently heard one of my children say, “I am just failing all over the place today.”
I wanted to jump in, “Of course you aren’t! You’re getting lots of things right!”
But then I realized where my child had gotten those words. Those are the words I often say out loud when I am feeling overwhelmed.
The words we say about ourselves can tell us the story of who we are, and can even impact who we become. So we need to be kind to ourselves.
If we wouldn’t say something to our spouse or children, we certainly shouldn’t say it to ourselves.
2. Reframe the situation.
When my children are frustrated with a project or work they are doing, they will sometimes say things like, “this is too hard,” or “I’m never going to get this.”
I try to help them reframe things – “Learning new stuff can be hard at first, huh? Remember when you were trying to learn to read – it was hard in the beginning, right?”
We can do this with our own situations too.
Instead of saying that homeschooling is hard and too much, we can remind ourselves that we are learning too, and learning to do something really well takes time.
We can also look back on our successes, however small. Maybe you’ve done some math every day this week, or your kids are really excited about the read-aloud you chose.
The goal for our kids and us as parents should be as Shauna Niequest says, “Progress, not perfection.”
3. Get real support.
There is nothing worse when your confidence is rocky than people who are looking for an in to tell you “what they’re really thinking.”
There are always going to be people ready to jump in and tell you that you are under-qualified and that you’ve bitten off more than you can chew.
But finding real support is harder.
In the beginning, your support might come from just one person – a spouse or a friend. Maybe the nice lady at church who homeschooled her kids.
Sometimes, you’ll quickly find a homeschool group that fits, and sometimes, that takes longer.
But don’t give up because some dum-dum hurls uniformed nastiness at you, OK?
4. Realize there are no gold stars.
I never realized how important feedback and the occasional pat on the back were to me until I stopped getting those things for a few years.
When I worked full-time before kids, I got raises and handshakes from the boss, certificates at fancy banquets and once, a star-shaped trophy. Really.
When I had kids, I got laundry that I could never finish, dishes piling up in stacks, and the sort of ongoing responsibility (parenting) that makes most “jobs” seem laughable, unless those jobs are running a country or operating on people.
Homeschooling doesn’t always have easy milestones or boxes to check.
People aren’t going to show up with cash prizes or medals.
That doesn’t mean you aren’t doing it well, it just means that instead of expecting concrete confirmation of your progress, you need to look at your kids and see how awesome they are and know that you’re doing the very best you can.
{You should also probably buy yourself an ice cream cone once in a while.}
5. See the benefits beyond academics.
Maybe your son hates doing math. Maybe your daughter is struggling with a learning challenge.
Maybe that makes you feel like you are failing.
First, you’re not. I promise. Because if you are that concerned for your children’s education, your kids are absolutely going to be okay.
Second, at times like these, I like to load everyone up in the car and go do something fun and a little crazy.
I like take my kids to a coffee shop in the middle of the day and play board games and drink cocoa.
Why? Because we can.
Homeschooling has innumerable benefits beyond academics. We all know it goes way beyond workbooks.
By choosing this life, you are giving your child so much, even on the “not-so-great” days.
***
Confidence is a tricky thing. It’s hard to shape it out of nothing.
So here’s what I want you to say to yourself every time you feel like you need a boost, okay?
“I love my kids, and I am willing to work hard to help them learn and become their best selves, because I’m a strong mom, and I’m not giving up.”
Feel a little better?
Good. Now go kick some homeschooling tushie.
What helps build your confidence as a homeschooler?
What’s Your Homeschool Mom Personality? Take Jamie’s quiz now and receive a free personality report to help you organize your homeschool based on what your personality type needs most!
The hardest part of YOUR homeschool year: A reader linkup
The no gold stars thing was really hard for me when I first became a mom. I hadn’t thought about it specifically in relation to homeschooling, but you’re so right. And I love your encouragement at the end. I may just write it out for myself today.
Steph’s latest post: For My Brother (And All the Other Pastors)
Oh thank you! I hope it helps!
Thanks for this read! I really enjoyed it–and needed to hear it. ????
Thank you Rachel! 🙂
I am also technically a veteran homeschooler – I am in my 11th year of homeschooling – but I often do not feel like I know what I am doing. I have the oldest kid in our local teen homeschool group and many of the families in the main homeschool group have not always homeschooled like we have. I think the most challenging part for me right now is finding the support I need.
I recently looked around at a homeschooling event and realized my kids were the “big kids!” I’m not sure how that happened 🙂 I think you’re absolutely right, as our kids grow up, there sometimes isn’t that same level of in-the-trenches support, which can be hard. I hope you are able to find some support — even one friend to talk to can make such a difference. 🙂
Oh my goodness – the no gold stars thing. Yes!!! That has been so difficult for me to accept and embrace. So much truth here, Kara. Thank you!
Shawna @NotTheFormerThings’s latest post: Everyday Autism
Oh, I loved this article. It’s exactly what I’ve been writing and thinking about lately too! One way I combat the “no gold stars” thing, is by making lists. Even if at the end of the day the house is a disaster again I have a checklist that shows I washed the laundry and scrubbed pots and read aloud to the kids, etc. There is SO MUCH STUFF we do every day that can easily be swept under the rug…so I like having a little list. That way when my hubby comes home and asks what I did today I can show him!
Katie Laws’s latest post: Unit study: Italy
Thank you for this post! As a first year homeschooler with a 6yr old, 4yr old, 3yr old and 1yr old, I am working on pacing myself and not allowing it to overwhelm me. Some days I do well and other days… not so much. I’m going to keep your little mantra in mind on the not so much days!
Yes — I think in the beginning it’s so fun and exciting — we want to do so much. But you are definitely smart to pace yourself. You have so many fun years ahead of you! <3
Kara’s latest post: Beyond books: How homeschooling is benefitting our kids, even when it’s hard
I’m in my seventh year homeschooling as well. I feel like I’m just getting the hang of this homeschooling gig! Every year has been different, but when I look back I’ve found that the stressful moments have become blurs in my memory and the fun moments are what I remember most. When I doubt myself, I read through my homeschool journal. All of the little things we do that I write down in there really add up.
Camie’s latest post: The Hardest Part of Homeschooling For Me
Thank you! This is a really good post, and helpful to me at this stage of our school. The lack of appreciation or financial reward for what we do at home sometimes gets to me as well. And when the kids get in a phase of resisting school work, which otherwise they do happily and with great academic success, I feel like going back to work and letting someone else fight that battle. So getting insights from other hs moms is valuable. I especially like the idea about making lists. Not so much to show to somebody, but to show it to myself, when that inner voice starts putting me down or whining for more appreciation. I am not the type to keep a diary, but I just might start a journal, like Camie in the comment above. Because I also forget the hard moments and draw a lot of content and happiness from the small things we do together every day. Maybe a journal will help me revive those memories down the road, over and over.
I really love this post, especially #4. Yesterday was a day of fails, the worst being that we nearly missed (and ended up very late for) a cherished weekly chess date because my schedule fell apart like a house of cards. The grace that my kids showed me for a mistake that was mine alone and that cost them time with their friends was better and more valuable than any gold star could ever be.
Tara McGovern’s latest post: Wheelhouse, Population 1
Oh — thank you Tara. Yes — I love those glimpses at the future adults we are raising. It reminds me that homeschooling is so worth it, even when things get challenging. 🙂
Kara’s latest post: How to feel confident when you don’t feel confident
I am just starting out our homeschool journey– my oldest is in kindergarten. I really appreciate the wisdom and encouragement you shared. I know I will need to refer back to it later. Number 5 is one of the most exciting and compelling things about homeschool for me. There is so much more to life than academics and so much more that I want my kids to know and experience.
Lisa @ This Pilgrim Life’s latest post: When We Want to Do It All, But Can’t.
YES! You have so much good stuff ahead of you, Lisa!
Kara’s latest post: How to feel confident when you don’t feel confident
I needed this today!!! Thank you so much for helping put it all into perspective. Next week the kids and I will be going to a coffee shop, playing a game and drinking hot cocoa for sure!! xo (You get a huge gold star from our family!)
#4. For the love.
Somedays I wish I could go back to myself 4 years ago, and tell her that this homeschool, parenting thing is a marathon – not a sprint.
How I wish I hadn’t tried to prove I was doing OK by trying to do everything for everyone.
Today, #4 was such a breath of fresh air – because I’ve accepted it now. I live in the freedom and embrace that I’m not working for a promotion, I’m not trying to prove I’ve got what it takes.
Thank you so much for this boost. I know I needed it!
Cara@TheHomeLearner’s latest post: The Library Challenge: Change Their Reading Diet
I’m a veteran homeschooler for over 15 years and I found this very encouraging. Thanks for writing it!
This is just our fourth year homeschooling. We have a 13 year old, 11 year old and five year old. Thank you for your thoughts. A healing balm.
You are always such a great encouragement! And somehow speaking to exactly what I need to hear at the exact perfect time. 🙂 thanks.
I’m new to homeschooling; 5 months ago I took my 13yr old son out of school. I fluctuate between sheer joy at seeing what he can do and despair that I’m failing my son through my inability to teach, so your words have been a lifesaver to me. Thank you 🙂