When is my child ready to choose their own path?

When is my child ready to choose their own path? ~
Written by Kari Patterson of Sacred Mundane

“We homeschool not so our kids are insulated from the world. We homeschool to make sure the concrete has been hardened before we put heavy loads on it.”

I vividly remember setting foot in my first classroom, 34 years ago. I was 10. I had been homeschooled until halfway through 5th grade.

At that time, my brother (two years older) had started 7th grade at the local public school where my dad taught, in order to play sports. Not loving being the only kid at home anymore, I had asked if I too could go to school.

To my parents’ credit, they carefully considered this, evaluating my character and development, and saw the value of letting me begin to make choices about my life.

Though I didn’t make perfect choices, I’m grateful I got to make them.

Even at 10, my parents had already instilled their values in my heart. I knew who I was, I was secure in their love. And I recognized that while they were my anchor, they weren’t afraid to let me have a pretty long leash.

I could explore and make choices, even fail. I learned that failure wasn’t something to be afraid of, but a normal part of life.

I remember knowing I was loved unconditionally, and that they were physically and emotionally available for me, but that they weren’t afraid to let me make decisions for my life.

What this communicated to me was that they had confidence in me. 

This gave me confidence and, I believe, actually helped me make good choices. They were convinced I’d do the right thing, so I most certainly didn’t want to prove them wrong!

I was vaguely aware through the years, that perhaps not everyone agreed with my parents’ decision to let us go to school. I’m sure we seemed “worldly” to some onlookers, my parents perhaps appeared to be homeschool sell-outs.

My mom had been very outspoken about her conviction to homeschool, so it probably seemed strange when she then enrolled us in public school and started working at that same school.

But I am so grateful that my mom did not let her own pride, fear, or her own personal preference, keep her from giving my brother and me the freedom to make choices for ourselves. 

So how do we know when our children are ready to choose their own path about their education?

If I may mix metaphors for a moment: When the concrete has hardened, it can bear a heavy load. 

Of course, we’re never not susceptible to harmful influences. Bad company can corrupt anyone, but as parents we get the honor of discerning when the time is right to begin handing choices and freedom over to our child.

There is a weight to these decisions. To hand them over too early can crush, can leave them tossed to and fro in the storm of this chaotic world. To hold back and refuse them these decisions, even when they’re ready, can create hopelessness, resentment, and anxiety.

I do not pretend to know how to do this perfectly. But here are a few questions that can help us evaluate when to let them choose their own path:

1. What type of friends does my child gravitate toward? Am I pleased with these choices, or do I need to focus more on teaching them to recognize and seek out healthy influences?
2. How does my child respond to temptation? Do they easily give in, or do they have a decent dose of self-control developed?
3. How does my child use their time? Do they constantly dawdle or distract themselves, or are they able to stay on task for an age-appropriate length of time?
4. Do I see any red-flags related to identity? Does my child seek validation from others or seem susceptible to compromising their values in order to gain approval of others? Are they dishonest?

It’s certainly not an exhaustive list, but it can get us going as we consider. I believe that holding children back from being able to choose their own path for their life is just as detrimental as turning them loose far too early.

But when the time is right, when the concrete has hardened sufficiently, we can set them free to build a beautiful life on the foundation we have laid.

* Find more of Kari’s wisdom here.

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