Written by contributor Sarah Small of SmallWorld at Home
I am blessed to live in an area where homeschooling is not at all unusual. Everyone knows at least a few homeschooling families; nonetheless, we aren’t immune to the naysayers, the critics.
I used to be outraged. I used to bristle. I remember one of my first encounters with a lady who was quite vocal about her disgust with homeschooling. I had just moved to town and was attending a new church. Here is how my conversation went with this woman:
So where does your son go to school?”
“I am homeschooling him.”
“Oh. Well, I would never do that. We have the best schools in the state right here.”
That was the end of the conversation. She actually turned her back to me, quite literally, and never engaged me in conversation again for the decade I attended that church.
Most of us have had that conversation or one similar. We’ve heard the common babble about socialization to the audacious “why aren’t you using your degree?” and its strange partner, “do you even have a teaching degree?” comments.
We wonder what would actually possess someone to say, “I am a better mom because my kid is in school.”
We inwardly flinch when we hear, “My kid would like to be homeschooled, but I would kill him.” Our hearts break a little when they say, “I could never be around my kid all the time. She frustrates me way too much.”
I have zipped my lips a hundred times over the past 13 years. I have rolled my eyes to the back of my head while wearing a beatific smile and maintaining eye contact with someone who sounds exactly like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. (“Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.”) In my head, do you know what I’m saying? Please stop talking. Please, oh please, stop talking.
If you are a homeschooler, you’ve been there. And you’ve experienced that dilemma: should I keep my mouth shut, or should I respond? I think often we feel like homeschooling traitors if we don’t respond, as if somehow we need to launch a counter-attack to set the critics straight.
For me, there is absolutely no advice better than that given in Colossians 4:6:
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (ESV).
Years ago (and keep in mind, this is my 13th year of homeschooling!), I would stew on negative comments for days, pondering what I should have said, regretting what I did say, or having imaginary conversations in my head in which I set that person straight. (Oh, come on. You’ve done that too, right?)
These days I have a checklist I run through in my head when I find myself involved in one of these types of conversations. My mental checklist goes something like this:
- Is the person just making conversation?
- Is the person actually interested in homeschooling?
- Is the person completely off track and needs some gentle correcting?
- Is this a waste of time and energy?
Recently homeschooling came up in a conversation with a new acquaintance—one with whom I’d be sharing a fair amount of time. His confident assertions about homeschooling (he’d “met a few homeschooling families”) irked me. His opinion went something along the lines of “homeschooling can be successful if the family is highly structured and runs a tight ship, but those families that just go to the store and call it math are bound for trouble.”
In my head I’m saying, “Did you really just say that? Seriously? Because your copious research into homeschooling has allowed you to make such a grand declaration?”
What I really said, while smiling, was something along the lines of “Each family is different. Some work well with structure and some don’t.” And then I changed the subject. The conversation wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t mean any harm by his comment, and I knew that. He was just making conversation. He wasn’t asking for my philosophy of homeschooling, and I wasn’t asking for his.
My friend recently had an encounter in which I think she responded admirably. While getting her hair cut at her usual salon, she (as well as everyone else in the salon) overheard the older woman in the next chair ranting about homeschooling. The stylist appeared to agree with her, offering encouraging remarks now and then.
As my friend says, “I didn’t want to show disrespect to this woman, but I felt like I needed to address this for my own sake.” So after the woman left, my friend approached this stylist with a few pictures of her kids on her phone. “Do you see these kids?” she asked him. He nodded, smiling. “They are smart, beautiful, friendly, well socialized kids. They are mine. And they are homeschooled.
“I’m not very outspoken, but I think you have the wrong idea about homeschooling. There are a lot of things I need to keep my mouth shut on because I don’t know enough about it, but I do know homeschooling. And I know that my kids are very socialized and educated and I feel lucky to keep them home with me.”
She was pleasant, kind, and level-headed while presenting her own views on a topic which the other client had made quite public. She stood up for her own choices without tearing down the other woman. I totally high-fived her.
We want to defend our choices. We want to make them see how wrong they are. In our ardor, we may get angry, defensive, and hypercritical. We may find ourselves engaged in a battle, determined to convince someone that homeschooling is best!
But you know what? Homeschooling is not best for everyone.
Be confident in your decision, and resist the urge to shake some sense into everyone who has a word “against” your choice.
That doesn’t mean you should never respond—but just respond thoughtfully, graciously, and with the right seasoning.
And practice your own beatific smile.
So what’s your tactic? How do you respond to the homeschooling critics in your life?
I refuse to steal my kids’ dreams (On homeschooling as a social movement)
I’ve been homeschooling 25 years and not done yet. I’ve had many conversations about homeschooling, some positive, some negative, and some eye opening. Never have I changed anyone’s opinion by arguing the pros and cons of public vs home school. I simply answer their questions and tell them what we do. Four out of five of my children have graduated and no one has ever told me they can tell they were homeschooled that didn’t know we did. But they do tell me how wonderful they are to talk to, how well spoken they are, and good to know. If they do find out we homeschooled we get one of two reactions; either they’re surprised they turned out so well in spite of their lack of public education or they understand that’s the result they’d expect from homeschooling. Like the author pointed out, know your audience and respond in kind. Some, very few, really want to know more about homeschooling, but most are making conversation and too many just want to change YOUR mind and get your children back in public school.
I homeschool my autistic son.. And I hear plenty of naysay. Of which, I usually ignore. I could not imagine not homeschooling with him as it’s going so well. I am a certified teacher with @a decade of teaching experience..and if someone is particularly rude I usually point out that fact and it shuts them up quite nicely. I usually then tell them something along the lines of.. If you only knew what I knew about mainstream education you would certainly rethink your choice to enroll your child in such programs..
I love everything about this. Very well put ????
I’m really glad I read this. My son is in 7th grade and he is enrolled in an online public home school…..we had to take him out of sixth grade last year due to some health problems. Since I never really intended to do home school, this has been an incredible journey and has opened my eyes to the many benefits of this choice. The drawback is that we are still governed by the same rules that apply to traditional public school. There are tests and projects, and each class has a certified teacher. This can be good, and it can also be difficult. Since we are used to all of these rules though, it hasn’t been a huge problem for us, even though I am aware there are other options out there and we can change at any time. I’ve been insulted from many due to my choice for my son, even though he has a health condition. It is unbelievable. Even another home school parent said I wasn’t really homeschooling because the academy he is in is a public one. But just like I told this person I study through all of my son’s lessons so I can help him with the material, we go on field trips, and I incorporate Bible study into his day which has been a great thing for us both. So while I may not have taken the plunge into “real” homeschooling as some define it, it feels real enough to me as a start and I am open to other curriculum and methods. My daughter is still at public school but definitely wants to come home. It has been difficult to have one away and one at home. The plan was for my son to go back to school once he got better, but now I am considering having them both home next year and starting over with a non-public school approach, maybe Classical Conversations or something. I’ve already received lots of criticism from family members even though my son’s health was the main reason for our choice to bring him home and do virtual school. One relative even asked him if he feels like he is missing out on everything by not being at public school. This same relative constantly makes remarks about how children need to always “be with others.” Well my other child is not particularly benefiting from “others” at school and comes home lately quite depressed due to the behaviors she has to sit next to at school. Another relative loudly told me that my son needs to go back to school next year and I need to keep my other one in also. It is really frustrating to have people chime in about what is best for your kids when they don’t live your life and really don’t have any business saying anything. Most everyone thought I would be running back to the front door of the school time his health started improving but that isn’t the case. When I bring my daughter home (which could happen before this school year ends) I will endure even more remarks. So this article was helpful to me in controlling the urge to argue with people who really don’t know what they are talking about!
We have been homeschooling for a year now and i can honestly say fortunately I have never had anyone (stranger or relative) say anything negative. Most people are very supportive or at least curious. We fortunately live in an area where it is quite common and accepted, but I think it helps that I am a man and have graduated from prestigious universities. If anyone criticizes homeschooling I would just tell them “We love homeschooling but I believe it is definitely not for everyone.”
I think it’s important to remember that some people may have had a bad experience with homeschool (or homeschooling families) and even though it’s not fair for them to make sweeping assumptions, that’s the place they are coming from. For instance, my mom was a speech pathologist and there was a homeschool family whose daughters had many special needs that the parents didn’t address and my mom’s heart just broke for those girls not getting extra help they needed. She knows better that I think all homeschool families are like that, but when it’s mentioned her first throught is of that family. So she may come across less charitably than she really means it sometimes.
Don’t listen to the naysayers. Homeschool is so much better and you avoid so much bad stuff in public schools.