Responding to the homeschooling critics
Written by contributor Sarah Small of SmallWorld at Home
I am blessed to live in an area where homeschooling is not at all unusual. Everyone knows at least a few homeschooling families; nonetheless, we aren’t immune to the naysayers, the critics.
I used to be outraged. I used to bristle. I remember one of my first encounters with a lady who was quite vocal about her disgust with homeschooling. I had just moved to town and was attending a new church. Here is how my conversation went with this woman:
So where does your son go to school?”
“I am homeschooling him.”
“Oh. Well, I would never do that. We have the best schools in the state right here.”
That was the end of the conversation. She actually turned her back to me, quite literally, and never engaged me in conversation again for the decade I attended that church.
Most of us have had that conversation or one similar. We’ve heard the common babble about socialization to the audacious “why aren’t you using your degree?” and its strange partner, “do you even have a teaching degree?” comments.
We wonder what would actually possess someone to say, “I am a better mom because my kid is in school.”
We inwardly flinch when we hear, “My kid would like to be homeschooled, but I would kill him.” Our hearts break a little when they say, “I could never be around my kid all the time. She frustrates me way too much.”
I have zipped my lips a hundred times over the past 13 years. I have rolled my eyes to the back of my head while wearing a beatific smile and maintaining eye contact with someone who sounds exactly like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. (“Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.”) In my head, do you know what I’m saying? Please stop talking. Please, oh please, stop talking.
If you are a homeschooler, you’ve been there. And you’ve experienced that dilemma: should I keep my mouth shut, or should I respond? I think often we feel like homeschooling traitors if we don’t respond, as if somehow we need to launch a counter-attack to set the critics straight.
For me, there is absolutely no advice better than that given in Colossians 4:6:
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (ESV).
Years ago (and keep in mind, this is my 13th year of homeschooling!), I would stew on negative comments for days, pondering what I should have said, regretting what I did say, or having imaginary conversations in my head in which I set that person straight. (Oh, come on. You’ve done that too, right?)
These days I have a checklist I run through in my head when I find myself involved in one of these types of conversations. My mental checklist goes something like this:
- Is the person just making conversation?
- Is the person actually interested in homeschooling?
- Is the person completely off track and needs some gentle correcting?
- Is this a waste of time and energy?
Recently homeschooling came up in a conversation with a new acquaintance—one with whom I’d be sharing a fair amount of time. His confident assertions about homeschooling (he’d “met a few homeschooling families”) irked me. His opinion went something along the lines of “homeschooling can be successful if the family is highly structured and runs a tight ship, but those families that just go to the store and call it math are bound for trouble.”
In my head I’m saying, “Did you really just say that? Seriously? Because your copious research into homeschooling has allowed you to make such a grand declaration?”
What I really said, while smiling, was something along the lines of “Each family is different. Some work well with structure and some don’t.” And then I changed the subject. The conversation wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t mean any harm by his comment, and I knew that. He was just making conversation. He wasn’t asking for my philosophy of homeschooling, and I wasn’t asking for his.
My friend recently had an encounter in which I think she responded admirably. While getting her hair cut at her usual salon, she (as well as everyone else in the salon) overheard the older woman in the next chair ranting about homeschooling. The stylist appeared to agree with her, offering encouraging remarks now and then.
As my friend says, “I didn’t want to show disrespect to this woman, but I felt like I needed to address this for my own sake.” So after the woman left, my friend approached this stylist with a few pictures of her kids on her phone. “Do you see these kids?” she asked him. He nodded, smiling. “They are smart, beautiful, friendly, well socialized kids. They are mine. And they are homeschooled.
“I’m not very outspoken, but I think you have the wrong idea about homeschooling. There are a lot of things I need to keep my mouth shut on because I don’t know enough about it, but I do know homeschooling. And I know that my kids are very socialized and educated and I feel lucky to keep them home with me.”
She was pleasant, kind, and level-headed while presenting her own views on a topic which the other client had made quite public. She stood up for her own choices without tearing down the other woman. I totally high-fived her.
We want to defend our choices. We want to make them see how wrong they are. In our ardor, we may get angry, defensive, and hypercritical. We may find ourselves engaged in a battle, determined to convince someone that homeschooling is best!
But you know what? Homeschooling is not best for everyone.
Be confident in your decision, and resist the urge to shake some sense into everyone who has a word “against” your choice.
That doesn’t mean you should never respond—but just respond thoughtfully, graciously, and with the right seasoning.
And practice your own beatific smile.
So what’s your tactic? How do you respond to the homeschooling critics in your life?
Great post! I wish I had your confidence. I feel like it takes so little to knock my confidence right out the window. I’ve been homeschooling now for 3 years, and my children are doing just fine. They have friends, they are educated, and happy. I have some amazingly supportive friends, but now and then someone just pulls the rug out from under me when it comes to my decision. We’re still happy, we’re still plugging along, and that’s all that matters, right?
This is our first year homeschooling and it has been hard. I know we are being called to homeschool, but I don’t have a ton of confidence yet. We have been met with more criticism than support and it has been rough for me. It is shocking how quick others have something cruel to say, even people from my church. It has been so hard to let it go and move on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T1AaqMLV_k
this talk has really encouraged me to not take offense easily in recent months. it comes from an unlikely source cause he is a crazy former drug guy who has his kids in public school but man…his perspective on how good or bad our days are based on people is so encouraging!! I hope you take the time to watch it.
lana
I was homeschooled, so it’s what I know. There are days I think I would like to put my kids in school, then I remember there is no one else who loves my child as much as I do, no one else will give them the individual attention they need, and no one else can pass on my values as well as I can. That’s the reason I homeschool in a nutshell.
I have been homeschooling for 3 years, and have delt with alot of naysayers in my present job. I tell them (in a loving manner) that I am called to do this by God, and who am I to tell God no??? In the end we have to answer for how we raised our children and ran our home, not how the people down the street raised our kids. Stand strong for what you belive and have confidence that you are doing the best for your child. Homeschool Moms are awesome!!!!!!!
There is a french phrase l’espirit de l’escalier (staircase wit) meaning the perfect comeback that you thought on the stairs after you left… (or close to that). I always have that moment, and giggle with relief that others must too, if there’s a word for it. I do not homeschool, but would really like to, still need to try to convince my kids (5 & 8) and husband to give it a try. I think that will be very hard to do. Not to mention the grandparents, then friends. I don’t think I care about strangers at this point!
It is hard when your spouse is opposed. Once you know their concerns you are better able to show them the facts that support your choice. It is nice to have others on your side & they may help in convincing your husband but once you have him convinced don’t worry about the others. People will make comments based on perception. Their perception. To some perception is everything but in truth perception is faulty.
We homeschooled when our children were young, then sent them to school, now are bringing them home after 7 1/2 years. My DH loved homeschooling, then was opposed, but is warming to it again. I believe it was fear of not giving them what they need & I did not have the necessary argument to convince him. Now our once outgoing children are withdrawn & defiant. Their overall grades are fine. There are other reasons why I have decided to remove them from school as well. Also, our children had friends who they were happy to have over while homeschooling but all this time attending school they have not wanted to have any school friends over. Only neighborhood friends have been here and not that often of late.
Thanks for your words Andi. Good luck bringing your kids home. I hope that everyone in your family finds peace with that choice.
We live in a great school district, my kids have only had loving, hard-working, dedicated & kind teachers. But I feel strongly that homeschooling would be a good fit for our family. We’ll see…
I have to say as a single parent, I’m constantly having to defend my decision. My brother-in-law is the least supportive since he can’t imagine I can financial make it and homeschool.
I’ve found comfort in biblical direction in this matter. Here is my declaration: http://myheartsdesirehomeschooling.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html
I hope I can answer people who criticize with grace when I start homeschooling next year. There are many in my area who homeschool but there will always be criticism. And there are great private christian school options in our area also, which we can afford, but I still am convinced that homeschooling will be the absolute best educational option for my kids. I have an MD and practice in a free clinic, and I’d like to keep volunteering there regularly which teaching the kiddos at home, so I’m still trying to figure that out, but I’m so excited for the path we are called to.
I was homeschooled back when it was much less popular. We definitely got some derogatory comments in our direction. My brother, while working before public school hours at a local coffee shop had a customer remark what irresponsible parents we had to let him work before school. When he remarked he was homeschooled she handed him back her change and demanded that he count it back to her because he “probably couldn’t even count change.” And they say that you don’t get socialization practice when homeschooling. 🙂
that is hilarious!
lana
I am in my second year and the only one in my church excited about home education. it has been tough cause I love it and i want others to care to ask me why our family chose it instead of making assumptions. all my friends are wanting their kids to have a great influence in the public schools. that may happen but I do not share the same vision for our kids. their influence w ill happen in other forums.
I had a close friend say they could never do it cause their kid loves people too much. ouch. I hope this leads me into a place where I don’t take offense easily or assume their comments reveal what they think about our family. they probably didn’t think of the implications but it was hard for me not to wonder if they are saying we can home school because our kids don’t love people all that much.
I am still on the journey to not worrying what people think and to understanding which conversations are worth it. so far my experience has been that none of them are. 🙁
on a funny note I heard someone say that everyone wonders how kids outside public school get socialized… but what they are getting is that more than anything else, kids get in trouble at school for…that’s right…socializing. 🙂
the question that I have had success with is, ‘how do we know when we received a good education? what is education for?’ if they are really interested in the topic this question reveals that. if not it becomes obvious they were speaking before thinking.
lana
I love this! Thank you for sharing. I usually say something similar about the socialization. I LOVE the questions as a way to engage them in productive conversation.
My son is only 4, so our homeschooling right now is very loose, fun, and play/craft based. However, we decided when he was only 6 months old that we wanted to do this crazy homeschooling thing due to us living in a fairly rural community. So far, he loves it and asks every morning, “What are we gonna do in homeschool today mama?”
Anyway, I can still get my blood boiling when I remember a few years ago, a family member who is an educator (as is my husband, BTW) made the snotty comment, “What exactly makes you think YOU are equipped to teach him better than someone who actually went to school to become a teacher?” Of course the remark stung like crazy, but I’m proud of my response. I said, “It’s not a contest in my mind. I didn’t choose homeschooling because I think I’m better than someone with a teaching certificate. I chose it because given our family dynamics, our desire to travel, and my beliefs about one on one education, homeschool seemed right for us. That doesn’t mean public school for others is ‘wrong,’ and it certainly doesn’t mean that I decided to keep him home because I think I’m smarter or ‘better’ than a public school teacher. This is just our choice for us.”
Did I change her mind? No. She was still rude about it. I think it personally offended her as a teacher that I would choose to not put my son in public school. But she misunderstands the drive behind me choosing to homeschool. It isn’t a slight to someone else if I choose to homeschool. It’s just what I believe is best for US.
I think your response was fantastic! For a variety of personal reasons we are choosing not to homeschool our children, though I’ve thought about it a lot. What stings is when I hear homeschooling families saying that they homeschool because they love their children so much – perhaps I shouldn’t, but I take it as a dig – that I send my children to school because I don’t love them as much. I just love that you were able to stand up for yourself and your values without tearing others down. Beautifully said!
Most of these comments do not bother me to be honest, I guess it takes a lot to shake me up. Most of the time I just ignore those people, like in the case of your friend, I would not use my energy and get myself involved in another persons conversation just to make my view heard.
On the other hand that women from your church would just outright annoy me!
I have met people like that (luckily not too often) and they tick me off,….. what gives them the right to be so ….I do not even know what to call those.
In the past I just stood there and did not know what to say, now I just respond: “To each their own.” then I just turn and talk to someone else or walk away.
we are not a homeschooling family but we do do “attachment parenting” and i remember when our first child was born 8 years ago, i felt like everyone was judging me for allowing our son to sleep with us, extended breastfeeding, etc. now that we’ve had our 4th baby, i feel like no one really cares what we do. i think i was projecting a lot of my own insecurities in other people’s comments. or at the very least, i took other people’s opinions was too seriously.
our third child was adopted and i used to also really bristle at some of the comments people would make about adoption. but then i had to remind myself that i was once uneducated about adoption/adoption language, so i need to show grace to others. sometimes, if they say something in front of my daughter that i would not consider to be appropriate, i do have to speak the truth in love.
Thank you for saying that homeschooling isn’t for everyone. We have two children and a few years before we will start school and still unsure which way to go. I have many homeschool friends who often make it a truth issue, when it’s a preference. Maybe I will graciously direct them to your blog. 🙂
I agree with this. I think we have to be careful not to do the opposite–make a mom feel like she’s not doing the right thing because she chooses NOT to homeschool. The verse given is great–we all need to give grace and try our best not to judge other parents, just do what we feel called to do.
We live in Mexico City and here homeschooling is not something people do! Criticism is everyday! Sometimes I would like my kids to be in school but I know we are where we should be, at HOME! Thank you for sharing this encouraging post!
Really, really, really great post!!! Have been there for sure and I agree the smile and nod works best. I find that teachers are the most offended, and a I am assuming they are taking it personally as a critism, when really it is not about them. Just send love and light.
The best advice I’ve ever gotten on this topic is to start by saying, “There are pros and cons to every educational choice…” It communicates to the other person that you don’t think you’re better than they are and can diffuse any sort of defensiveness they may be feeling about their own family’s choices!
Sarah — I really liked your post. It fits in perfectly with my most recent post. I think I’ve learned the art of smile and nod and discerning if someone is really serious about homeschooling or just making idling conversation. I thin it’s important that society in general sees us as non judgmental and gracious, too.
You made so many great points today. Thank you!
Sometimes I mess with people and tell them we have a private tutor. 🙂 Then I fess up and say we homeschool. But that momentary look is priceless.
A very balanced perspective! I am newer to homeschooling, so I haven’t had too much flak…yet! (or at least to my face!!) Nonetheless, I have received flak for most of our other decisions: to become a Christian, to have them (previously) in private school, to be a stay at home mom, to this, to that…the list goes on!
I agree with your overall theme though: is the person open to hearing our rebuttal at all? Or our they just venting and it would be a waste of breath to argue? And how is our attitude if we do share our opinions?
Thanks so much for sharing! I’m sure most homeschoolers have been there, in one form or another.
Thanks for this post it seems in my local culture, that there are some very strong opinions and general misunderstandings about home schooling despite it being very prevalent in the area. I like your mental checklist. I may adopt it.
I’ll be bookmarking this post!
I have a friend who doesn’t have kids and she admits that ALL the kids she knows who are homeschooled are well-educated, well-socialized and a credit to the community at large (including my kids- who can sing at a funeral in front of an open casket when choir members four years older from school refuse, etc, etc). She is still very much against homeschooling. It’s just wrong to keep decent kids out of school.
(for those curious- the ‘merely players’ post that links up is photos of my oldest daughters in character for Taming of the Shrew)
Thank you for pointing out that homeschooling is not for everyone! Unfortunately, everyone – both homeschoolers and public/private school families – seems convinced that their choice is the correct one for everyone. Homeschooling is right for some families, and even for some individual children, but not for others. That doesn’t make either choice better than the other. Different choices in different circumstances!
I used to take other views personally, but now I just love them. I imagine them surrounded by love and understanding, then acknowledge we all have different journeys, and continue the way I know I am meant to parent my children. Thanks for writing about this important issue that inevitably comes up for homeschoolers.
I love the checklist – I think so many of the comments that rankle me really are just people making conversation. The best times are when people get to know my kids and say something like, “they’re so friendly! I wonder if that’s the homeschooling?” I’ll take those comments happily! I have struggled with know when to respond seriously to comments and when to just let things slide. More often lately I let things slide, as I feel too busy actually homeschooling to defend homeschooling, if you know what I mean! Thanks for this post!