Written by contributor Sarah Small of SmallWorld at Home
I am blessed to live in an area where homeschooling is not at all unusual. Everyone knows at least a few homeschooling families; nonetheless, we aren’t immune to the naysayers, the critics.
I used to be outraged. I used to bristle. I remember one of my first encounters with a lady who was quite vocal about her disgust with homeschooling. I had just moved to town and was attending a new church. Here is how my conversation went with this woman:
So where does your son go to school?”
“I am homeschooling him.”
“Oh. Well, I would never do that. We have the best schools in the state right here.”
That was the end of the conversation. She actually turned her back to me, quite literally, and never engaged me in conversation again for the decade I attended that church.
Most of us have had that conversation or one similar. We’ve heard the common babble about socialization to the audacious “why aren’t you using your degree?” and its strange partner, “do you even have a teaching degree?” comments.
We wonder what would actually possess someone to say, “I am a better mom because my kid is in school.”
We inwardly flinch when we hear, “My kid would like to be homeschooled, but I would kill him.” Our hearts break a little when they say, “I could never be around my kid all the time. She frustrates me way too much.”
I have zipped my lips a hundred times over the past 13 years. I have rolled my eyes to the back of my head while wearing a beatific smile and maintaining eye contact with someone who sounds exactly like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. (“Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.”) In my head, do you know what I’m saying? Please stop talking. Please, oh please, stop talking.
If you are a homeschooler, you’ve been there. And you’ve experienced that dilemma: should I keep my mouth shut, or should I respond? I think often we feel like homeschooling traitors if we don’t respond, as if somehow we need to launch a counter-attack to set the critics straight.
For me, there is absolutely no advice better than that given in Colossians 4:6:
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (ESV).
Years ago (and keep in mind, this is my 13th year of homeschooling!), I would stew on negative comments for days, pondering what I should have said, regretting what I did say, or having imaginary conversations in my head in which I set that person straight. (Oh, come on. You’ve done that too, right?)
These days I have a checklist I run through in my head when I find myself involved in one of these types of conversations. My mental checklist goes something like this:
- Is the person just making conversation?
- Is the person actually interested in homeschooling?
- Is the person completely off track and needs some gentle correcting?
- Is this a waste of time and energy?
Recently homeschooling came up in a conversation with a new acquaintance—one with whom I’d be sharing a fair amount of time. His confident assertions about homeschooling (he’d “met a few homeschooling families”) irked me. His opinion went something along the lines of “homeschooling can be successful if the family is highly structured and runs a tight ship, but those families that just go to the store and call it math are bound for trouble.”
In my head I’m saying, “Did you really just say that? Seriously? Because your copious research into homeschooling has allowed you to make such a grand declaration?”
What I really said, while smiling, was something along the lines of “Each family is different. Some work well with structure and some don’t.” And then I changed the subject. The conversation wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t mean any harm by his comment, and I knew that. He was just making conversation. He wasn’t asking for my philosophy of homeschooling, and I wasn’t asking for his.
My friend recently had an encounter in which I think she responded admirably. While getting her hair cut at her usual salon, she (as well as everyone else in the salon) overheard the older woman in the next chair ranting about homeschooling. The stylist appeared to agree with her, offering encouraging remarks now and then.
As my friend says, “I didn’t want to show disrespect to this woman, but I felt like I needed to address this for my own sake.” So after the woman left, my friend approached this stylist with a few pictures of her kids on her phone. “Do you see these kids?” she asked him. He nodded, smiling. “They are smart, beautiful, friendly, well socialized kids. They are mine. And they are homeschooled.
“I’m not very outspoken, but I think you have the wrong idea about homeschooling. There are a lot of things I need to keep my mouth shut on because I don’t know enough about it, but I do know homeschooling. And I know that my kids are very socialized and educated and I feel lucky to keep them home with me.”
She was pleasant, kind, and level-headed while presenting her own views on a topic which the other client had made quite public. She stood up for her own choices without tearing down the other woman. I totally high-fived her.
We want to defend our choices. We want to make them see how wrong they are. In our ardor, we may get angry, defensive, and hypercritical. We may find ourselves engaged in a battle, determined to convince someone that homeschooling is best!
But you know what? Homeschooling is not best for everyone.
Be confident in your decision, and resist the urge to shake some sense into everyone who has a word “against” your choice.
That doesn’t mean you should never respond—but just respond thoughtfully, graciously, and with the right seasoning.
And practice your own beatific smile.
So what’s your tactic? How do you respond to the homeschooling critics in your life?
I refuse to steal my kids’ dreams (On homeschooling as a social movement)
I began homeschooling about 13 years ago too and find that I’m just less likely to react than I was in the beginning. I am a homeschooler who supports public education – actually I support CHOICE in education and just as I get frustrated by people acting ignorant regarding homeschooling I also feel the same when people make blanket statements about public education or teachers in general (my husband is a teacher and I know first hand just how hard they work). I feel less a need to prove myself than I used to and I recognize that the truth is that each educational choice has pros and cons. We do miss out in some ways by homeschooling where we live AND my children benefit in many ways fromm our choice. I’ve met many wonderful kids who are public schooled and have involved parents and I’ve met some strange homeschool famililes that I don’t really identify with:) People will say what they will – the important thing is to go into homeschooling (or whatever choice a family makes) for positive reasons.
Hello i
Have homeschooled
For
Thirty hears six children. All of you ladies are wonderful and have great ideas. Inwould like to comment gently that although your suggestions are very encouraging , putting the words strange and homeschoolers
Together continues to portray a very negative picture of homeschooling that many people even those inclined to become more open minded would have difficulty getting past The stereotype is very dangerous to homeschool freedom God bless your journey
Forgive the typos my i phone is beginning to die!????
Excellent post! I completely agree with you that homeschooling isn’t for everybody. I certainly know of parents who I think would be lousy homeschooling parents (they aren’t that great at parenting to begin with). Fortunately, I haven’t had to deal with direct criticism of our choice to homeschool, but I’ve certainly felt the “vibes.” I think the way I manage it is by promoting homeschooling and sorting out my thoughts about it through my newspaper column and on my blog. If the naysayers are interested, then I know they’ll read it. If not, then I won’t worry about what they think anyway.
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Oh, I will add that two years ago on the soccer field this mom was talking about what a great guy my son is and somehow we ended up discussing homeschooling – she is not a fan. Anyways, it clicked that she didn’t know my son was homeschooled and so I told her. Fortunately it was a friendly conversation but I was pleased that she had to realize that by her own admission, homeschoolers CAN be outgoing, confidant, happy kids (since she had pointed out that my son was all these things).
I think that often the reason non-homeschoolers respond the way they do is because too often homeschooling families have made their own rude remarks, giving others the impression that we’re the only ones in God’s Will. They feel defensive because we’re the ones who were unthoughtful in the past. Keeping in mind our own comments and attitudes, as well as your final thoughts (“Homeschooling is not best for everyone. Be confident in your decision, and resist the urge to shake some sense into everyone who has a word ‘against’ your choice.”) will help us to remember to look at the plank in our own eyes that might have caused the speck in someone else’s.
Very wise perspective. When I was pregnant with our first child, I quickly realized how passionate mothers are about their choices. The way those choices are communicated often comes across as being the ONLY way rather than this is best for our family/this is our preference. If it isn’t homeschool versus public school (or private in our case), it’s something else (Suzuki method? How old to begin music lessons? Phonics or whole language?). I’m sadly fairly sure this will continue into college and grandchildren 😉
Wow! Well put. We are also blessed and live in an area where we don’t get too much grief for homeschooling. But my heart goes out to those who are constantly bombarded. My husband is in grad school and has been researching homeschooling and it is startling some of the things people put up with. It really bothers me that people think they can know what is best for someone else – seriously – we can NEVER see the whole picture. So mind your own business and be kind!!
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Thanks so much for this post! I think grace, respect, and acceptance are needed for all situations, regardless of what we choose for our kids. Each year and each kid brings different needs and perhaps even a different schooling method! In my circle, I get the other side of “criticism”, even though implicit, that a Godly family SHOULD homeschool, and some others assume that I chose school for my eldest so I can have an easier/less busy life….and often times I find myself wanting to “defend” this choice. Anyways, like what many others said, it just really depends on the family and we should love by not judging, like many other areas of parenting! God have mercy on us!
The last few times this happened to me its been about “socialization. Without realizing it the first time I just sighed and said its such a misconception, my daughter can talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere. I think my lack of anger and my obvious tiredness with the question along with stating the obvious as an aobvious fact took the wind out of the other person’s sails. They just really didn’t know how to go forward.
Great post! My children are still young (1 and 5) so I’m sure I have the majority of interesting comments ahead of me, but most people we know are aware that we are a homeschooling family. I admit that I have an advantage in That I do have a masters in education and 10 years public school teaching experience, so who is someone else to tell me what to do? But I know they think it sometimes, regardless. I do find that most comments are, as you say, mostly making conversation, but others I think come from a defensive point. I’ve found this as a vegetarian (for more than 20 yrs) that when you tell someone that you’ve made a different lifestyle choice as them, they take is as you saying that their choices are wrong. I get a lot of, ” I’d be a vegetarian too, but…” So, looking at it from that perspective it’s easier to come up with a response (sometimes) that puts them at ease. I don’t care, really, if other people homeschool or are vegetarians or not. Just because its the way I want to live does not make it optimal for everyone. My closest friends are actually all non- vegetarian and non-homeschoolers. But I do still sometimes have a defensive reaction to an ignorant comment, so I love your checklist.
Homeschooling is not for everyone, but neither is public school. I don’t talk about others choices to send their kids to public school, so I would rather people not talk about my choice to homeschool.
Great topic and article. I find it’s just easier to keep my mouth shut. Most of the time anyways.
It makes me sad when a parent says they couldn’t be with their kids all day. Not that I think you should homeschool or stay at home, but because I think they should really think about why they couldn’t be. Apparently there is a problem that needs to be resolved.
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Great post! I have a teaching credential but have chosen not to teach and I do not have kids yet and at this moment do not plan on homeschooling. That being said I find it so interesting to hear such strong opposing opinions to homeschooling. Of course having a credential would do wonders for a homeschooling parent but if it was necessary it would be a requirement! From my experience in the classroom, children benefit from available one on one attention and to learn in a safe environment. And homeschooling is a great choice in fostering that! I also think that parents have to be willing to do homeschool to make homeschool work. Those that oppose it are obviously not fit for the job…but just because they are not fit for it does not mean other parents aren’t as well. Keep on fighting homeschool mommas! I find you all inspirations!
We are just starting the homeschooling journey. My oldest just turned 4 in December. I have mentioned the fact that I am planning on homeschooling to a few family members. They shrug it off, because they think I’m a little bit loony anyway (only one that has attended church in the past 10+ years). I did feel a little hurt when my step-mom called me a few months ago, to tell me I should get my son into Head Start ASAP because her friend’s granddaughter can already read. It made me feel like I needed to step up my pre-school game…after much prayer and frustration, I realized that one of the reasons I chose to homeschool, was to go at the pace of my kids, not everyone else.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I used to be the one who wondered why a mom who graduated college would want to stay home with her kids to homeschool, and “waste” the degree. I wondered why they didn’t just send their kids to school, because that seemed so much easier. Needless to say, my heart has since changed, and I am planning on homeschooling my 3 little ones.
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I recently wrote a post on a very simular topic. I live in an area where there is a large homeschooling community and don’t seem to receive much grief from the general population about our decision to homeschool. However, we do get opposition from a certain relative. You can read about it here http://onthegohomeschool.com/homeschool-nay-sayers/
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I don’t homeschool, and like you, I am confident in that choice and decision because that is what is right for my family.
Still I LOVE visiting this page daily (on my simple tour!). I do that because I want to understand homeschooling better. I know that in my life and in my children’s we will meet homeschooling families and I want to understand them so I can be supportive of their choice.
However, I specifically seek this information. Not everyone does that, so many people have such a limited understanding of it. It’s not something they are exposed to. People fear what they don’t know! I hope that when I meet homeschooling families, that I can learn from them and I hope they have patience and understanding. I don’t want to offend with questions, I want to learn. My guess is there are some people (as in any situation) that come off as rude, or that come out of the gate fighting for what they believe to be true.
I commend you for being experienced in when you can and cannot educate someone. Just please never stop trying to do so! The more people that can speak about the things they are passionate about, in an intelligent and educational manner, the better chance we have to come together for the things we ALL our passionate about.
After homeschooling the past five years I’ve found just not saying much works best. Sometimes I’ll say every family makes their own choices etc but you won’t change people’s opinions. Best to hold your tongue.
Loved this post. I admit, though, that I’m nervous about spending so much time with my very spirited 3 year old. It’s probably the main reason I haven’t made a definite decision to homeschool. So I can understand the remark made concerning that (even if it wasn’t the most tactful).
I do not currently homeschool my children ( ages 4, 2, 10 mos) but we may in the next couple years. However, I am a graduate of homeschool. My siblings and I all went to college. I am a nurse. Our family has always said homeschooling is a calling and NOT for everyone. Two of my siblings currently homeschool and one does not. If people truly want to know, I gently point out how well we all turned out. If they are not really interested or it will just be an argument, I let it go. It is often shocking to me how upset I can get all these years later when people make rude, uneducated comments. I guess it’s a great reminder to watch the things I say!
Thank you! Great reminder! I’ve been homeschooling for 6 years now. Most of the the people I meet say nice things, or like you say, just try to make conversation. My biggest critic is my own mother! She comes from a long line of public educators. While it’s hard, even she deserves a gentle answer.
For the most part, those around me respect and even support my decision to homeschool our two children. However, one day the kids and I were at the park and a grandfather-aged man asked why my kids weren’t in school. After answering that I homeschool them, he started sharing with me his “grave concerns” about homeschooled kids in this country. I listened as politely as I could. As this man was noticeably overweight I had a hard time holding back a comment about how I had “grave concerns” about the obesity problem in this country! I did restrain myself from that smart-aleck comment and thankfully he left the park before I could change my mind!
Our little ones are still young, and we get little criticism for homeschooling. Very luck, I suppose! If anyone does raise a curious eye, I offer my pat “it’s what works for our family now, but our priority is our children’s needs.” That seems to put off naysayers. I tend to think those who criticize homeschooling have a specific opinion of what it is, much as I did, before we began this path; their comments come from a place of ignorance or undereducation about the reality of homsechooling. So many see homeschooling as a threat to the choices they’ve made. If *their* children are in school, and that school isn’t good enough for *your* kids, it’s as if you’ve pointed out a flaw in their parenting.
I tell people that we homeschool because I need the kids to stay home and tend to the potato-whiskey still in the backyard.
I don’t generally get much trouble after that.
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Love this, thanks 🙂
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Thank you, this is beautiful. When we first homeschooled, many years ago, I was so enthusiastic and wanted to talk to everyone about homeschooling. We were fortunate to live in a place where it was widely accepted. Now I tend to wait and hold back. In our family we often joke about possible responses to the question, “Why aren’t you in school?”
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Hi,
Wonderful post. I have the same background as you do, and before starting home-schooling I researched it for 3 years, not to mention had experience teaching all ages, 3rd grade to college and older adults, in 3 countries. Nevertheless, people who know I am a teacher come to me and lecture me about the wrongs of home-schooling. The worst part is, they never listen. So I guess that qualifies as waste of time (wah, wah, wah). But the most irritating thing is when they just approach my child (who could be in some activity or another, and I wouldn’t be right there) and rant about how they don’t understand his parents’ thinking, and how he, the 12 year-old should tell us parents to put him in school. This is what really bothers me, since I ‘m not even there to respond. He tries to respond, but again, they don’t listen. I have decided to ask, from now on, how long have they researched home-schooling before they formed an opinion. I bet most gave it a whole minute’s worth of thought. Thank you for your encouragement. 🙂
“Homeschooling” is a diverse term. Many people have questioned our (husband and I are on the same page)decision to take full responsibility for our kids education. As a public and private school teacher (art) for nearly 20 years now, I felt confident that my kids education would flourish under our tutelage. Do I still have freak out parenting moments-“Am I making the right decision?” Of Course. Every parent should.
I choose the Socrates method of just asking questions usually about the state of public schools or the theories of education. I suggest reading up educational theories for your own teacher growth and to help you respond to the naysayers. No one has all of the answers and we are all doing our best to do our best for our children. Let’s be supporters of parents trying their best.
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I love this. My entire family thinks only meth heads homeschool. I had a similar encounter in which this tipsy man was in my shop ranting and raving about the filthy, stupid, ignorant, disgusting etc snowboarders. I had ask him to keep it down because people were leaving the store. He was with his date or wife and another couple. They were in their mid thirties. Then he come up to the cash registrar and stretches across the counter all seductive like and says, hey,maybe you could help me with something? Naturally I said I don’t think so. He ask why? I said, well, you see I am one of those dirty nasty horrid ignorant etc snowboarders that you have been going on about and I walked away. I actually repeated verbatim his rant words. His wife and friends were rolling on the floor laughing. He stalked off beet red, veins bulging. Haha