Written by Sally Clarkson
“I have a Nathan, too!’
This was the comment I heard every time I spoke at a homeschool or mom conference.
My out-of-the-box boy – clinically OCD, ADHD, argumentative, on a small spectrum of other issues and with learning disabilities, certainly provided me with lots of stories to share through the years.
And I was amazed at how many women breathed a sigh of relief when they realized they were not the only ones with children who were often a puzzle.
My journey with Nathan was challenging, lonely, and difficult in so many ways. My most difficult challenge was that I did not have friends who understood him or my struggles in homeschooling him.
I often felt like a failure, living in and out of frustration, wanting to love him but losing my patience. It was a constant drain on my life. It’s why I agreed to write a book with Nathan about our journey as mom and child–so that others like me will not feel alone.
Now in my 60s, with him a flourishing adult, I can look back with hindsight and realize I have learned some secrets to being the mom of a “different” child that I wish I had known before. I hope they’ll encourage you.
1. Don’t live with guilt as an extra emotional burden.
All mamas blow it, lose their patience, and feel regret for not being patient, gentle or kind. Children with extra needs add more to our workload. Not only that, I have rarely met a mom of needy children that didn’t sometimes have feelings of “I wish my life and my child wasn’t like this.”
Negative feelings are neutral—they are what they are. What we do with our feelings is more important. Can we be honest and admit to God and to ourselves that it is hard and that we did not expect this difficulty? Yes, of course!
2. There is no magic bullet.
We must learn to accept our children for the person that they are and not wait for them to become someone we wish they would be.
Accepting them as they are and choosing to love them unconditionally, even if they never change, is a beginning point of a healthy emotional relationship with them.
3. Take care of your own needs.
This journey of homeschooling an out-of-the-box child is a long one—a marathon of sorts. There is probably no time when it will suddenly become easy, without tension, stress-free.
Plan for the long term by building anchors into your own schedule that will help you live a sustainable life:
- One of my friends would take Nathan to spend the night at least once a month so that I could have an evening of peace with our family, so that I could take a break from some of the tension he created.
- I went out for breakfast by myself on Saturday mornings to a favorite French café just to have some adult time by myself, and to breathe.
- My husband took my boys out regularly so that I could have a regular fun time with my girls.
Plan some alone time just for you.
4. Look for your children’s potential strengths and cultivate them.
Nathan could rarely add any numbers together, and he had lots of trouble spelling or understanding grammar, but he was a wonderful storyteller. I read him hundreds of hero tales, and had him narrate them back to me.
Now, as a grown man, he is writing movie scripts, books and producing films. (And he hires an accountant to do his math and to pay his bills!)
5. Believe in God’s ability to do more than you could ever do on your own.
I am witnessing a miracle every day in Nathan’s life. He produced a movie that sold 60,000 copies. I just wrote a book with him about families with children who are different, (his idea!), and I am watching him flourish in every area of his life.
He still struggles daily with some of his issues, but he is more than his diagnosis. He is a man made with a great story to live!
I didn’t know if he would ever be able to leave home. How God has surprised me.
6. Giving your “different” child a home where they can be loved is profoundly important.
Having a home where they feel they can be totally themselves, with a mama who loves them, is a gift they will take into their hearts forever.
Remember, homeschooling moms: Your love, life, and work matters for eternity! You are my heroes.
Weekend homeschool links
I homeschool my daughter and she is our only. The point that Sally made that stands out to me the most is #4. I know for myself I tend to focus on just her faults and what she doesn’t do well. I need to work on building her up more with what she does do well. And also #2, focusing on loving her just the way she is and not the way I might wish she was.
Hi! I am also homeschooling a “different” child. He is autistic and he is funny, loves music, and loves connecting with others. Thanks for reminding me that God has a bigger plan for him than I could ever have. I just need to keep loving him, and working with him …God will take care of the rest.
What a great post. This looks like a tremendous book! The idea of finding your child’s strengths and cultivating them is a previous one to me right now, helping me to stay positive and find the best in my kids. Thank you!
Oh! Such hope! I have more than one “different child” and I am never not tired! Thank you for sharing tips and hope and . . . sheesh . . . I don’t know . . . encouragement. I’d love to read your book, even if I don’t win it. My most hopeful tip was that negative feelings are natural and neutral–it’s what we do with those feelings that matters. Thank you so much for this reminder on a dark and early Monday morning!!!!!!!
No need to enter me. Just wanted to say what a beautiful story this is. Thank you.
A great post, Sally. I received a copy of Different on Thursday and was a part of your launch team. The part that most struck me on this post was not trying to change my son, who has ASD, dyslexia, dyspraxia and SPD, but accepting him for who he is, working with his strengths, which are many, and trying to help him develop coping strategies for his areas of difficulty. I have struggled with the issues of “cure,” “change,” and so on with people offering many solutions, but ultimately he is as God designed him to be and developing into a wonderful young man whose confidence is flushering.
This post is a breath of fresh air. The last few months have been particularly difficult in homeschooling my “different” child. I’ve felt so emotionally and physically drained at the end of every day and just burnt out. . . Tears from me literally every night . Working so hard somehow feel like I’m screwing it all up; I don’t want to crush her spirit yet she requires SO much correction, guidance, attention. #1 and #3 definite resound with me most in this season.
Hello. Love the post. I am homeschooling two children and have two adult children as well. My 16 year old is my very “unique/different”child. I think the one thing I need to remember is that God knows what he’s doing and I need to know that he’s got this.
So encouraging! This is such a good reminder not to compare my children with each other, to value them for who each of them is individually. Am I homeschooling a “different” child? I guess I have 3, each different in their own ways. May I see them the way God sees them!
Dear Sally,
Thank you so much for all your emails, but especially this one. I am crying with relief reading this and knowing that I am not alone in this journey. All the ideas resonated with me but especially focusing on my child’s strengths gives me hope. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement.
I have a son who is very much like Nathan, and we are going through another particularly difficult time….again. It’s hard to choose which tip because they are all hold so much wisdom. However, right this moment, I’ll choose number one: “Don’t live with guilt as an extra emotional burden.”
I can identify with all of these tips, but at this moment, #1 is what I need to hear most. After all the tears and yelling, it’s easy to sink into thinking I’ve scarred my child for life. And then the guilt keeps me from doing any type of problem-solving, so we quickly end up with more tears and yelling. Thanks for the reminder that the negative thoughts are okay, and that I can choose to do something constructive about them.
I am homeschooling an “out of the box” kid (my oldest, driving force of homeschooling) and I have soaked up all of Sally’s articles and podcasts on the topic. For me “there is no magic bullet” is something I’m realizing and accepting. As much as I want one I think God wants me to realize that He’s the magic bullet…to trust that he’s the one that I turn to for my help and guidance and endurance.
This was a great encouraging read. I have a somewhat different child that I homeschool but I have several friends who will also be blessed by this. Thank you for the encouragement that God can make the outcome an amazing and blessed life for our children & us.
The tip I am leaning on is #5.
I love the thought of having this book on those days that I don’t think I’m enough for my out-of-the-box girl! I am especially encouraged by points three and four. Sometimes when you are in the middle of your own little hurricane of emotions and torment it’s nearly impossible to see anything else. Just these few simple suggestions have been incredibly refreshing! I would love to read the book????
I posted this on Facebook to share with my friends & family
Thank you for this post and hello from Cape Town! I am homeschooling two children, and my son is an Asperger tween. The point that stuck most with me is number 5, and more specifically also your question about you thinking whether your son will ever be able to leave home. I have thought that on so many occasions, especially with issues around spatial awareness and him having to drive one day… ???? Thank you again for making us feel that we are not alone on this crazy, sometimes difficult, but utterly rewarding journey!
Our family is a miss-mash of ‘different’-ness, and each person is amazing in his/her own unique way. I love tip #6 – creating a home where your child can be loved profoundly.
I do not have a “different” child per se, but as a homeschooling mother of four, I face the consistent challenges that come with their individual personalities & emotional needs. Sally’s first point, about not living with guilt, really resonated with me as I feel like a really bad mom when I mess up- especially when I lose my cool- and then I feel that my mistakes cancel out the good that I am doing, so I needed to hear that! It is my desire to learn from my mistakes and then let them go and move on!
Hi Sally, I have read your other books….so encouraging!! I am homeschooling my 14 year old triplet daughters. One of them has been diagnosed with a condition called PANDAS. She suffers from OCD, tics, defiance, aggression, dyslexia, dysgraphia and low self-esteem. Life with her can be very trying at times, and school is pretty much a disaster most days. Thank you for reminding me that God has a far better plan for her than I can imagine. I definitely worry about her future and her ability to take care of herself. Thanks for sharing your story!!
My oldest son has Down syndrome and autism. Now a teenager I sometimes fantasize about sending him to public school. But on those days, I like #6 because no one can love that beautiful boy like his family. And that is what I told my late father I would do when we found out he had Down syndrome, my Dad asked what I was going to do and I said “I’m going to love him.”
Would love to read your book! God bless you!
This post resonates with me on such a deep level. My oldest is 6, and though he is not diagnosed has “different”, I see things in him that make me pause and wonder. He is a challenge for me on so many levels, and homeschooling has been a hard and tear filled journey. The tip that speaks deepest to me today is #6. I want so much to create a home where he is loved for who he is and where he can flourish. It is my prayer and listening to Sally’s story gives me hope.
I shared on Facebook.
I’m a first time homeschooling, with four boys ages 5 and under, one of which includes a newborn! All my kids are “average” but that in itself is a challenge to spend the time trying to understand learning needs and seeing how God shaped them. I pray for parents raising children with any unique needs and any added weight that comes along with that…I can only imagine the emotional burdens as well as the day to day challenges. I struggle with not feeling guilt like Sally mentions, plus taking time for myself feels so rare! Even with time to myself, I’m still thinking about the next homeschool need to tackle. Thank you for encouragement Sally! I’ve heard nothing but positive things about your book.
I would love to win a copy of this because I definitely need it! My five year old son is autistic (level 2) and although I know he does best at home where he is loved and happy – I am terrified to homeschool him. How can I possibly teach him math and history when he is still not potty trained and still can’t eat with a fork? He overwhelms me every day and we haven’t even started “formal” schooling yet and we have zero support system. I haven’t had a night out with my husband in 2 1/2 years. I know I need to trust in him and that he will learn when he is ready…..but I am SO scared of failing him. This book looks like it was written for moms like me, thank you for telling your story!