Shutting down the homeschool fight (before it even starts) ~
Written by Kara S. Anderson of Where the Beauty Is
We were invited to our new neighbors’ house for a backyard movie night – and I knew it was going to come up.
Because we’re homeschoolers.
And he’s a public school teacher.
There was going to be that question – that “why?” that strikes fear in our hearts, because if you’re like me, you’ve been down that road, and you’ve gotten smacked head-on by an 18-wheeler of judgment and misunderstanding.
My semi-truck moment came several years ago with a man my husband knows crashed my mom’s birthday celebration. (Truly.)
“So why do you homeschool?” he asked.
We were new to homeschooling, and so stupidly, I tried honesty.
(My son was an early reader, but had little patience for the letter-of-the-day worksheets so loved by his pre-school. Rather than send him to a place where he was just bound to get in trouble …)
“Well, my son was an early reader …” I started.
And before I could explain further, the man pounced: “So was David Koresh.”
Seriously? For clarification’s sake, I want to point out that he was wrong. (I think he had confused his cult leaders.)
I learned an important lesson that night, though – that sometimes, a heartfelt rainbows-and-cupcakes monologue isn’t the best approach when somebody wants to pick a homeschool fight.
Here are a couple of things that work better:
Shutting down the homeschool fight (before it even starts)
1. “Oh, I don’t like to debate my family’s choices.”
This one works on everything from cloth diapering to why your child can’t watch PG-13 movies with Grandma. I find it most effective when stated in a very relaxed way, because I’m not looking for a fight — I’m looking to be all done with that particular topic.
“Oh, I don’t like to debate my family’s choices,” I’ll say with a wave of my hand, as if I’m incapable of getting worked up.
Nope, I’m quietly strong and graceful. I am Princess Diana and the Dalai Lama.
And I am changing the subject to the weather now.
2. I focus my attention on educating my children, not strangers.
I like this one at the grocery store, but I rarely say it aloud. I do repeat it to myself, while smiling politely at whoever is standing in front of me questioning our life and everything that defines us.
Because sometimes it is worth it to make a point, or to defend your choices, and sometimes, you just really need milk and bananas.
3. “We enjoy it.”
I know. This seems too simple. You need to hit folks with more reasoning, right?
No. Because reasoning only works on the reasonable, and then only sometimes.
When I tell someone that we LIKE homeschooling, it immediately shuts down most potential negative responses.
Because expressing your own joy:
- isn’t judging their choices, which can make people feel defensive.
- isn’t an attempt to educate them, which only works if they are open to new ideas.
- isn’t indicating that you are up for a debate, or that you want to continue that particular line of questioning.
Why do we homeschool?
Because we love it. Thank you for asking.
Perhaps at this point you are wondering what happened during that backyard movie night. Ready?
Absolutely nothing.
Which brings me to my last thought:
4. Cool it, John Wayne.
Don’t go into every interaction looking for a fight. Most people who ask about homeschooling are just making conversation, and the entire time you are carefully constructing a well thought out answer, they are trying to remember their grocery list or their brain is otherwise consumed with their own business.
Some are genuinely curious, but most don’t want an argument. (And even if they do, disagreements are one thing, but fights often aren’t worth the time and energy, so choose wisely.)
My neighbor the teacher doesn’t seem to care whether we homeschool our kids, because really, it doesn’t affect him in any way. I could ask him why he chooses to teach public school, but the truth is, that doesn’t affect me.
He’s nice to my kids, and patient with my poor landscaping. He’s a good neighbor and we’re blessed to have him.
So instead of entering into a verbal sparring match about our differences, we found a lot of common ground that night, while watching a movie about creatures from different planets learning to get along.
Really.
Our families laughed as we indulged in sugary snacks, and I think it’s safe to say that we accepted each other, despite being on slightly different paths.
And while the kettle corn and ice cream were great, I think that the quiet acceptance we found that night might have been the sweetest treat of all.
* Find more of Kara’s inspirational writing on SH here!
Do you ever try shutting down the homeschool fight (before it even starts)? What works for you?
Are homeschooled kids weird?
We’ve used a version of your “we enjoy it” response for years. My simple answer has often been…”homeschooling lets us have the opportunity to fall in love with learning all over again every day…myself included.” I mean, how can you argue with that??? 😀
Best.
Advice.
Ever!
LOVE focusing on the positive as I’ve grappled with this as well – how do I respond to the *question* (and I’d love a follow-up to the positive *socialization*… the *we’re all here together!* with a smile has lost it’s efficacy!):
Polite? Educate? Defend? Ask if prayerful guidance let to their educational decisions as well?
Thank you – you are a beacon of light!
Best.
Advice.
EVER!
We’re blessed that my wife has an elementary education degree and many years working in for profit education on top of a passion to home school. I usually feel comfortable quelling any potential conflict with those details. I laughed out loud at the simplicity and wisdom of responding with “We enjoy it.” I think I should probably use that answer more often. Appreciate the suggestion.
Great post!!!
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As a teacher who wholeheartedly supports homeschooling/unschooling, I don’t think I could offer any of the answers you suggest. There is so much misinformation about homeschooling that I simply can’t resist the opportunity to explain the facts to curious minds. Of course there are exceptions, like those who are looking for a fight, but as you mention, many people honestly want to know. By refusing to share your reasoning, the myths about homeschooling are allowed to persist.
One of my primary reasons to support homeschooling is that the public education system is so broken. I see, on a daily basis, students who think they are dumb only because they get a poor grade or fail a test. Standardized education defies what research has proven about how children learn– no two children learn at the same pace or in the same way, so why are we expecting millions to do just that?
I think your suggested responses are perfect for those individuals who are looking for a fight, but otherwise, I’d encourage people to share their reasons and educate those around them.
Great thoughts! Yes, whenever we can, we love to tell people about what we are doing and why we love it. But we tread carefully when we sense that someone is just looking for a smack-down 😉
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Thanks for the reminders! Since moving to the UK I have been asked “why” more in a year than in my 5 years home educating in the States. I do have a prepared monologue but it simply doesn’t work and I end up feeling defensive 99% of the time. The general mindset towards home ed here is so very different, it is very “fringe”. I think I am going to adopt the “because we love it!” option. Although I need to have a follow-up as people tend to keep pushing if they aren’t satisfied with my answers. Thanks again for the encouragement.
I love, love, LOVED this post! Thank you so much. I have recently had the epiphany that I need to find away around the debate. I am so tired of it. Your answers are priceless.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
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I have responded to people looking for debate (regarding homeschooling, religion, politics), with something along the lines of “I’m here to {focus on this event for the kids, watch the kids, enjoy your company, etc.}. Let’s focus on that together…” and then I change the subject to whatever is in front of us and look for common ground.
Guess that’s sort of like “I don’t like to debate my families choices” which I love.
I’ve also followed the why question with another question and an offer – “Is homeschooling something you’re considering? If you’re really interested, I’d love to get together with you sometime and talk about our choice.” Only works for people with kids, of course, but I’ve never been taken up on the offer – and the subject changes naturally.
Beautiful! I love how you endeavor to meet true curiosity with answers, and have found a peaceful way to side-step potential awkwardness by finding a way to connect instead!
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This is great! Love it!
I have found that most people who learn we homeschool are very positive and supportive. If there are questions, they arise out of interest. The only negative response I have gotten, and I’ve gotten it a lot, is “I could never do that. I don’t have the patience. ” To this, I respond something along the lines of, “Well, my oldest went through 13 years of public schools, that used up all my patience for school”. Mostly though, if people pursue the topic, it’s because they’re curious and interested.
What a good idea. I always use the logical approach, but this is far better. Thank yhou.
We too run our own business from home, so I may have to use Rosa’s answer, it certainly is true! We usually use a variation on “It works for us.” or “We enjoy it.”
On the flip side, my 15 y.o. recently enrolled in high school (his choice) and at parent teacher conferences one of his teachers, upon learning that he had been homeschooled up to this point asked “Why did you send him to school?”
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I usually say, “‘Cuz we can’t afford shoes…?” with a wink and a big silly grin. Almost always makes ’em laugh. Then I say, “No, seriously, all parents home school,” still, really pleasantly, and wave and walk away. They usually get that “hourglass STILL turning” look. I’ve checked. They really do.
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Thanks everyone for your comments. I’m on the OTHER side of the fence- my children go to school. Many of my friends and a few of my family homeschool their children, and it’s very uncomfortable when I’m with them and they start to bash the system I’ve chosen for my children. They don’t seem realize I’m in the room or can hear their comments. I have to walk away before I get hurt.
I am always a bit nervous telling people I homeschool (I’m relatively new to this), and I find myself automatically in defensive mode. But fortunately almost all the strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family have responded positively (except my parents). Many ask about how it works, whether there are required tests, etc. They have been genuinely curious! I love telling people about what we do and how much I enjoy it. But I think for those picking a fight or expressing doubt or bringing up the “socialization” topic, I love the answer you propose of just saying because we love it!
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“Oh, I don’t like to debate my family’s choices,” I’ll say with a wave of my hand, as if I’m incapable of getting worked up, and have never, ever attended a nurse-in or written an emotional 3-page letter to the editor about library funding cuts.” Best sentence I’ve read all week. Made me laugh out loud and connect so deeply! I love it when those 2 things happen together! Thanks.
“So, what happened at the movie night? Absolutely nothing.” You built me up and built me up like a good story teller and then popped the surprise climax. This was a fantastic post. As one who tends to keep claws only loosely sheathed, this was a fantastic reminder to stay calm and really figure out what the other person is asking.
Such a refreshing post! I love this! And yes, I can get a little defensive when people ask although I think mostly they are curious and not trying to pick a fight. It’s not the norm and people tend to question what’s different. I have found myself saying that we just really enjoy it and leaving it at that too. If I listed all my reasons, they’d be bored anyway!
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I love this post! My husband and I are both teachers, and amazingly get very few questions from the teacher community about why we choose to homeschool- sometimes we wonder if it is because they know what those classrooms look like! I love the response “because we love it.” Such a respectful response that leaves no room for argument- brilliant!