Written by Kara Anderson
It happened so quickly.
Just eight weeks ago we were part of a homeschool group we loved. A group that had been home for more than four years. A group that had become like family.
I write this post from a place a deep sadness, because we found ourselves stepping away from that group last week.
It had just become too much. I call it poison, although some disagreed with that analysis.
It doesn’t matter. What matters is that when we took some time away, just the four of us in our little family, it became crystal clear what we needed to do.
What isn’t as clear is how to deal with the resulting heartbreak, and what to do next.
Homeschool heartbreak is a tricky beast.
It doesn’t always look the same. It can come from unsupportive family, friends who don’t understand your path, a spouse who isn’t in your corner or even fellow homeschoolers.
And it can be incredibly hard to get back up and keep fighting, when you feel like something that matters so much to you has been used against you.
At these kinds of low moments it’s incredibly tempting to give up on homeschooling all together.
Guilt and Doubt jump in like a wrestling tag-team, more than willing to take over where whatever or whoever broke your heart left off.
“You can’t do this,” they whisper. “You’re failing your kids.”
Jerks.
I can’t tell you with any certainty exactly what works in these situations because this is something I am navigating myself right now, every day.
Overcoming homeschool heartbreak feels a lot like starting over, but with a whole new bag of worry and self-doubt on your shoulders.
Some mornings I wake up ready to take on the world on behalf of Team Anderson.
Other mornings, I feel like getting caught up in a Facebook-peanut-butter-cup-cyclone, spending the day watching cat videos and typing with chocolate-y fingers.
But I won’t. I can’t.
So here’s what I’m doing now, and it’s helping:
Focus on what is working
It’s important to not get to hyper-focused on the negative.
Just because your co-op isn’t working, or your mother-in-law pointed out a place where your kids are having trouble, does NOT mean that homeschooling isn’t working.
For us: Homeschooling is working. Math is working. Our book selections are working.
My kids are awesome, well-adjusted, social people who have a ton of wonderful friends.
One thing is off-track. That’s it.
One, manageable thing.
Keep your loves close
Am I the only one who feels the need, in times of stress, to pull my people close?
It’s amazing — 36 hours of real, quality time was all it took for us to come together as a family and be able to determine our next step.
And when I falter, I look at my kids, and remember that we have to make the best choices for us.
Don’t believe the doubters. They lack imagination.
Homeschooling is a path less chosen, which means we need to surround ourselves all the more with people who lift us up, not tear us down.
There will always, always be someone who in your weakest moments will be willing to step in and tell you that you are right — You should give up. You aren’t equipped to do this. I told you it wouldn’t work.
Don’t listen. Please, please don’t listen.
It’s OK to be mad
Guilt is such a stinker — it can both pull us backwards, and keep us from being fully open to what’s next.
So don’t let it.
As my friend Denise so wisely puts it: “You get to have a voice too.”
And you shouldn’t feel bad about it.
So let your homeschool voice roar. Even if some days, you are the only one who hears it.
Surround yourself with good
Pull out good movies, good music.
The day after our last homeschool group meeting, I cleaned our entire house. I used lots of essential oils to literally clean the air.
The kids and I have spent many afternoons recently cuddled with good books.
And I’ve had good, heartfelt conversations with the good people in our lives.
I don’t think it’s just a coincidence that as events in our life were unfolding that I read these words written by Heather Caliri:
… persistent negative emotions are like lanterns. They shed light on what’s not working, on things that need to change, on the ways we’re feeling trapped and afraid. They prod us to be honest.”
Good words have been my touchstones lately.
Melissa’s book feels like a guide for starting over to me. And as it read it line by line, I begin to see little glimpses of what could be next.
Just keep moving forward
This may be the very hardest thing of all when overcoming heartbreak. It can be easy to surrender to sweatpants and Oatmeal Scotchies.
But our kids need us to be strong.
They need us to show them that heartbreak happens, but it doesn’t have to stop us.
In fact, heartbreak can help us find what feels right; it can help us discover who we were meant to be.
When my son was very young, he said something funny.
Mom, what is it again? ‘When God closes a door, he breaks a window?’”
Sometimes, it feels a little bit like that, doesn’t it?
But you know what’s cool?
The light still shines in.
Has someone or something ever broken your homeschool heart? What helped you to move on?
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Kara, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. We’ve been there too. Your plan for soldiering on sounds great – especially the essential oils and the music. The pampering really helps (although I admit to sliding back into sweatpants or even pyjamas after a setback like you’re talking about….at least for a few days.)
Erin D’s latest post: The Dreaded “Should”s – AKA don’t beat yourself up, Mom
Yes Erin! My friend recently totally me that it’s OK for things not to be OK, at least for a while, and that advice has helped me so much in the hardest moments!
Kara’s latest post: Your one best good thing
Sending you hundreds of broken-windows-full of pure sunlight.
Please be kind to yourself. You have had a heckuva year. And if you need to have some time with peanut butter cups, oatmeal scotches (What are they? I want some!!) and the book of faces, so be it.
And just for the record, I am always, always in your corner.
Love, Love and even more Love.
Sheila
sheila’s latest post: Guest Post and Giveaway: Sing Your Brave
Oh my sweet friend, thank you 🙂
Kara’s latest post: Your one best good thing
I will say that I’ve done homeschooling with, and without, co-ops, extras, supportive church environments…It can be done (well) with those things and without. I’m sorry some bad stuff went down for your family. It sounds to me like you’re figuring out a way to clean the cobwebs, take a deep breath, and start again. Cleaning the house is a great start. I do that whenever I need to feel like I’m starting over.
Hannah’s latest post: Pressing Through the Middle Years of Homeschooling
I think this is a great post for any parent not just homeschoolers. We recently moved to a new state and I lost all my supportive friends and the kids lost their activities and friends. It has been 2 weeks of yoga pants and cookies. But we’re now getting back on track. Thanks for the encouragement!
Jenn’s latest post: Life Problems
Confession: I think now that some yoga pants and cookie time last week is what is helping this week to be a little easier 🙂
Kara’s latest post: Your one best good thing
I can’t believe how timely this post is! It’s a little hug from God that I needed today.
We have been involved with a group for many, MANY years. And right now, we are needing to step away from a lot of things due to an issue between our family and another family that we’ve been close to for a long, LONG time.
It is HARD. I don’t like it. But I can’t change it. I am here, in this situation, and I was feeling like we just have to cope in the best way we can.
But your post has inspired me to use this heartbreak for GOOD. To move forward on things I should have done a long time ago, but felt I couldn’t.
I am going to ROAR! 🙂 (In a good way.) Thank you for helping me remember to “Keep Moving Forward.” God truly CAN turn all things– ALL things– to our good.
Thank you for reminding me of that this morning. 🙂
Hugs,
Mama Rachel
Mama Rachel’s latest post: Holding on to Hope
Hugs right back at ya, Rachel. 🙂 I know it’s hard, but I promise, it is already getting a little easier here.
Kara’s latest post: Your one best good thing
I’m so sorry about your group. We have flitted in and out of groups with not so great results, but I can’t imagine finding a group and being a part of it so long and having something happen that makes you decide to leave. Instead of the heartbreak though, the courage that it took to make this move, came through loud and clear. It is so important to be that example for our children. They will have to walk away from situations that are hard to leave, that break their hearts. What a wonderful and supportive example of how to handle it when it needs to be their choice. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Pamela.
Kara’s latest post: Your one best good thing
Pulling our kids in closer and regrouping as a family really says it all. Not to be hermits, but to remind ourselves who we are and what we believe in. Very necessary to stay strong in this battle. Thanks for encouraging us!
So sorry you’re going through this. I was homeschooled growing up and there was some homeschool group drama that led us to very light participation that eventually fizzled out completely. Regrouping with our nuclear families can do wonders for the soul no matter what the outside hurt. Hoping you get lots of time to do just that.
Steph’s latest post: Getting Outside in Winter Time
Yes! We have had to do this as a family in a Church and a Homeschooling Co-op! Let me just
tell you that they Will Not be scarred for life nor will you! I am home schooling only one now who is 16 and we aren’t in any kind of co-op. I would love to be but we just haven’t found one since the last one. We do lot’s of family things. I have five other adult children who were all homeschooled. They are now 30, 27, 25, 22 and 19 with our youngest at 16 being homeschooled still. You Will Never Regret It!! My adult kids remember the stuff we went through and they are just fine. It has helped them to watch out for certain things and given them much discernment in life. I don’t have a Blog but I do have a closed Facebook page called ” A Faith From the Heart” if you would like to request and join. It’s probably the closest thing I will get to a blog and I write a lot to encourage other moms and to share funny stories of what life was like when they were little and what life is like now! Blessings to you!!
I’m so sorry you went through that…and at the same time, so glad you shared it. Something similar caused total sadness for us . We had to take a hard look at the people around us and how they treated their own friends and family. Like you, we had to walk away. One of hardest and best decisions we made in the end. You don’t expect to need support to get past your support group. Thank you for letting families know they aren’t alone in that.
“You don’t expect to need support to get past your support group.” <—— Yes! 🙂
Kara’s latest post: When something breaks your homeschool heart
So sorry to hear about this hard time for your family. Dealing with people is hard! And yes, the light stills shines in. So so true. Thanks for this.
Dear Kara,
Only you can make the choices that fit your family. I applaud anyone who home schools their children. I am a grandmother and wished it was something done before now. I say,
“Shame on those who don’t support you”. What you are doing is hard. They should be there for you. I have witnessed families that have taken on this task. I think the children I’ve seen are happy, wholesome and loved.
It’s sad that people are afraid to go outside the box., outside of their comfort zone.
Stick to your plan, don’t let others discourage you. I’m sure you have already gotten enough positive feedback to keep you on your journey.
God Bless,
Claudia
Claudia,
Thanks for writing this. Maybe because I don’t have a lot if encouragement from the older generation in my family, this means a lot to me!
Robin at OurOwnFlavor’s latest post: Why I Keep My Kids’ Toys Locked Up
In my experience the hardest hurdle is the one that comes within. My second daughter was very very hard to teach. I was still finding my rhythm, but my first born being a breeze, and I really struggled second time around. I often went to bed with tears of doubt and frustration. I wanted to give up so many times. My turning point was realizing that if I gave up, how could I expect a random teacher in a school, a total stranger, to be the educator my daughter needed? So I pulled my finger out and did what needed to be done. My beautiful daughter is now 14, well adjusted, loving and caring, and most importantly we have an awesome relationship. Out of my 6 kids, I am very proud in particular of having managed to get through the tough times with her. To see her now, makes it all worthwhile. No amount of outside criticism can ever get to me, now that I’ve (mostly, still a work in progress) conquered my demons from within. Just look at your kids, feel their love, remember all that you’ve achieved, and you are queen of the homeschool world! 🙂
Kara, I’m so sorry you’re going through a season of yuck. I think it’s brave to write about this stuff, especially when you’re still a bit mired in it.
For me, the hardest thing about homeschool heartbreak is that we really can’t wallow in it–we just get to keep homeschooling the next day! Thankfully it’s a rare occurrence, but still. Thank you for all this advice–it’s good stuff, and I hope none of us ever need it ever ever again. 😉
Melissa Camara Wilkins’s latest post: Purposeful highlights. #write31days
I enjoyed your encouraging post. Here is my story and I hope it will encourage others. If you are having a hard time, you are not alone. Homeschooling isn’t always as rosy as everyone makes it out to be and that can really cause you to have feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Early on, it wasn’t just one thing that was going wrong, it was EVERYTHING! My son was awkward and unsocialized and nothing we tried seemed to remedy that. The homeschool socialization groups I joined didn’t help. My son made a few acquaintances, but no friends. I hate to say this, but sometimes the people who make you detest homeschooling the most are other homeschoolers! It’s sad to say, but many of them do fit the negative stereotypes of being weird or judgmental and meddling about every aspect of your life. I did make a few friends, though, and have stayed in contact with them even though I dropped the group so have been able to steer clear of the troublemakers even though I do see them at various events. My son was also falling behind in all of his subjects. Very behind! He already spent so much time on computers that I did not want him to use an online curriculum, but that’s what we ended up doing and it worked out great. I had to accept that an education is an education however it happens. We don’t have to pretend we’re pioneers and computers and electricity haven’t been invented yet.
The worst part was my husband was not supportive because of all the setbacks, but he never went as far as to put an end to it. He left the decision to me and that has been really hard, as I feel this was something we should be in agreement on. Some days I wish my husband would have just said, “okay, that’s it. We’re done. He’s going back to public school.” That would have taken the pressure off of me!
My son and I were the only ones who believed homeschooling was worth it and our persistence has paid off, well, mostly. My son has almost caught up in his subjects. He’s a C student, but he is passing. What has also helped is that the Lord led us to another church where my son is very active not only with youth group, but with missional activities and various projects. He knows a lot more people there than I do! I won’t go so far to say that he has a lot of friends, but he’s getting there. It’s better to make the RIGHT friends than have a lot of the wrong ones.
So all the fears and challenges we had with homeschooling in years past have mostly been resolved. My husband is still not 100% on board, but so far he has not pulled the plug either.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve returned to your lovely piece about seeking community, and walking away when it’s not a fit–truly one of the most valuable things that I’ve read about how to navigate what is a major tributary of homeschooling (and life, really). Good for you for following your own advice–sometimes doing the right thing feels rotten–so unfair!
my heart was broken when my homeschooled daughter told me something she had been keeping secret for years. reframing this experience has me thinking that she may not have said anything at all if we had not been a homeschool family.
While I am not homeschooling at this time, I am a teacher who may homeschool one day. My children are not school age yet. I’m sorry that you are going through difficult times. I was thinking of a few things that may help at times like this. Perhaps it is time for a teacher workshop day or a personal day. Teachers go through hard times in the classroom too. Perhaps it is time to write a homeschool manifesto or mission statement for your family. I just think about the benefits of what you are doing: The one on one time your children are able to get, The things you can do to challenge your students, the time to focus on individual interests, and the adequate time to explore science concepts. I know you don’t have to be told about the benefits but some times a reminder is good! Keep up the great work! You are valuable to your children! They were given to you for a reason! You were equipped to do this if you felt called to it. Perhaps you need to take some time to remember why you chose to do it! A former administrator of mine told us about something he helped him during rough times. He would take time to look at his “fruit file.” It was a file of things that he kept from students or parents that were positive.
I really needed to read this. Thank you!
Devany’s latest post: Christmas Tree Geoboard Hands On Math Activity for Kids
Oh, Kara, thank you for these words. Truly they’re words of life that I needed to hear right now!! I will be bookmarking this to come back to often!!
Thanks for re posting this on instagram today. It’s good to know it’s okay to feel like just eating peanut butter out of a jar every once in awhile. My kids are much younger than yours so this post would have not crossed my path if you didn’t re share so thanks for all the insight.