Self-care for the highly sensitive parent ~
Written by Anne Bogel of Modern Mrs. Darcy.
I‘ve known for a decade or three that I’m an introvert, but it’s only recently — after reading Susan Cain’s excellent book Quiet — that I discovered I’m also a “highly sensitive person.”
Whether or not you’ve heard the term before, that description should ring true for about 1 in 5 of you.
A highly sensitive person is someone who’s more sensitive to physical and/or emotional stimuli than the general population. They have sensitive nervous systems, are more attuned to subtleties in their surroundings, and are more easily overwhelmed by highly stimulating environments.
Interacting with people drains introverts; sensory input — sights, smells, sounds, emotional stimulation — drains highly sensitive people. (HSPs are more likely to be introverts, but about 30% of HSPs are extroverts.)
I’m an HSP to the core. In practice, that means I avoid violent movies, am easily overwhelmed by loud noises and bright lights, need time and space to regroup on busy days, and feel like my head will explode when two people try to talk to me at the same time.
We have four kids, ages 4 to 11. Our default home environment is highly stimulating. (Or as I usually call it: just plain crazy.) Understanding highly sensitive people has dramatically changed the way we homeschool.
When HSPs get overwhelmed, their typical response is to shut down because their overworked nervous systems can’t take the strain any longer. As an HSP, if I don’t approach our homeschool days intentionally, my brain will be done by 10:00 a.m.
That is really inconvenient when the kids and I still have piles of work to get through! I need to make my energy last.
When it comes to personality, knowledge is power. I’m sharing my HSP cheat sheet in the hopes it will help my fellow sensitive types — and their kids — stay peaceful, happy, and sane during homeschool days.
Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Parent
Start the day right.
I’ve never talked to a parent who likes to be woken by their children in the morning, but it’s especially important for HSPs to have a calm start to their days. Put yourself to bed on time so you can wake before the kids, have a cup of coffee by yourself, and do whatever you do to ready yourself for the day in peace.
(If you’re in a season where that’s not possible right now, I’m sorry. I’ve been there. It’ll get better; until then, move on to the next tip.)
Embrace routine.
Smooth routines means fewer decisions, which tax your mental energy. Consistent routines also mean less talking, which zaps the HSP’s energy when engaged in nonstop during a 8-hour school day.
Make checklists so you don’t have to remind the kids to make their beds, brush their teeth, or start their math. Streamline snack time. Put a daily schedule in place, and stick to it.
Outsource the talking.
I love reading aloud to my kids, but talking all day drains every drop of my energy.
Let audiobooks do some of the work for you. (Here’s a fantastic list.)
Enforce quiet times.
HSPs need some noise-free zones in their day. At our house, we have book basket time: 30 minutes of silent reading time to let everyone rest and recharge, and learn something. (Mom has a book basket, too.)
We also have a daily rest time at our house. Everyone — including me — spends two hours alone (well, mostly alone) every afternoon. The kids can read, play quietly, listen to music or audiobooks, and watch the occasional movie — as long as they do it by themselves.
Control the clutter.
Messy spaces are draining for many HSPs because there’s too much visual input.
Although I would never describe myself as a neatnik, I’ve noticed that keeping my house tidy (or tidy enough) keeps my metaphorical fuel tank full. Clear kitchen counters do a lot for inner calm.
Limit the amount of information you’re taking in during the school day.
As a general rule, I don’t check email, Twitter, or Facebook during our school days. It’s not just that I don’t want my kids seeing me on my phone.
HSPs are more likely to find a homeschool day exhausting (especially with multiple students) because of the sheer amount of info coming in from all directions. The last thing my brain needs is additional stimulation via email or social media.
Be deliberate about how you rest and re-charge.
Build some down time into your day, and be deliberate about how you use it. When you need to re-charge, make sure to do something that actually fills your tank.
Although I love catching up on the phone with a friend, that’s not the best way for me to recharge after a loud and busy homeschool morning.
As a highly sensitive parent, I’m much better off with a cup of coffee and a good book.
Do you suspect you’re a highly sensitive parent, too? Please share your tips, tricks, and coping strategies in comments.
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Great tips, Anne!
Thanks, Anne, for shining some light on this topic. Often times I feel alone in this. We are unschoolers for now, so it makes it a lot easier on me.
My questions for you is, how do you keep your kids separated during quiet time?
I have been enforcing quiet time since my girls stopped napping, they are 5 and 3 (the 1 yr old still naps at QT). They always want to be together. The girls each have their own room, but they want to be together during quiet time. I don’t want to force them to stay apart, but I do wish they would. Any advice would help.
I’m so sensitive I started a blog called The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler, LOL! (It’s just getting started.) It really is a struggle, isn’t it. These tips are great. My creative/ADD mind makes them hard to follow through, but when I do the days are so much better. Sharing this on Facebook!
Sounds like a great resource. Thanks for sharing, Amy.
Yes! I am an HSP and apparently also an inattentive ADD. So I need to be very intentional to care properly for myself and yet- SQUIRREL!!!
Hi Anne –
I’ve commented many times on this topic over at MMD. Even though I am not a home schooling mom, all I can say is, YES YES YES!
Once again thank you for this info – I did not know until this year (the year I turned 50) that I am introvert and a huge HSP – because of your blog. So much makes sense to me now – knowing this is empowering to me.
I’m so glad to hear it! Thanks for letting me know. 🙂
anne…
i’m new-ish to MMD, although it’s bookmarked in my computer now and is a nightly read for me.
the previous commenter mentioned that she’s commented on this topic over on MMD many times. have you blogged before about HSP?
i very, very recently heard about the concept of HSP and and 150% positive that i am one. it describes me to a T!!! I’d love to read your other blog posts on this topic…any help on how to find them?
thanks!
(oh…and we homeschool…AND i have four kiddos ages 4-11. so basically, we’re sisters 😉
Hi Erin,
150% positive, huh? 🙂 In that case, I would recommend starting with these:
It’s more than a kid hangover
Let’s talk about highly sensitive people
There’s also a personality tag here where you may find more helpful info.
(Thanks for the kind words!)
Excellent post! I don’t really consider my self a HSP (although perhaps I could be considered a mild HSP), but I have a daughter who definitely is. She’s been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. We’re a homeschooling family of 6 and have all had to learn how to best help her during our days. This article has some great tips we could apply. And I’ve seen your recommendation for the book, Quiet, over at MMD– I think I’ll read it now just so I can better help those around me! Thanks!
It’s such a good book! We have some SPD challenges in our home, too, so I completely resonate with what you’re saying. I’m amazed at what a difference the right strategies make.
I’m an extrovert HSP and not easily organized. I have figured out a few things but need to organize them into a coherent list. Life is often overwhelming for me. Staying away from phone conversations is a must. I wish someone would write a book for extroverted HSP’s like Quiet is for the introvert. 🙂
Elaine Aron’s book “The Highly Sensitive Person” is specifically for HSPs, and is not necessarily Introvert specific.
Yes, it’s a good one for more info. She’s also written another book called The Highly Sensitive Child, and I like that one even more.
Thanks guys!
Wow. I knew I was an introvert but I didn’t realize that I was HSP. I, too, homeschool four kids ages 4-13, and it’s interesting how I’ve put certain practices into place without realizing that I’ve done it to keep my sanity! I just wanted to be more organized and less frantic during the day. One area that you’ve reminded me – I must get up before the first child and have some alone time before the day starts. I stopped doing this for some reason, and it’s really showing in how I approach the day. Thanks for the reminders 🙂
Yes to all of this. I do just about all of these things and they make a huge impact on my mothering and homeschooling. I realised this about myself through Quiet as well and was able to see that I’d built up these techniques somewhat unconsciously… and what a difference they make!
Great tips!
Anne, this post is an answer to prayer…as in my prayer this morning about why I just don’t sing or pray aloud as much as I used to – even my own voice is too much noise for my tired soul. I don’t even turn on music in the car…especially when I’m alone! I haven’t read Quiet yet, but you given me that final push to get it. Thank you!!!
Definitely read Quiet! (It’s been $2.99 for Kindle recently.) I also recommend The Highly Sensitive Child and The Highly Sensitive Person, in that order, by Elaine Aron.
Thank you for this post! So many of us HSP’s don’t even know how to identify our trait, let alone figure out how best to take care of ourselves. Recently I read a book about the topic and for the first time in my life felt I had finally figured out what was “wrong with me.” All of your suggestions are exactly perfect and practical. Thanks again!
Great tips! One thing we do is limit the number of activities and errands that we do in a day. All those transitions and interactions drain the batteries.
Yes they do! That’s something we have to do around here, too.
Love your suggestions, and this HSP has all of them in place at our home. The other suggestion I’d add is regular time outside. The more natural the better (a hike in the woods is restorative, a city park is the opposite). Myself and my highly sensitive daughter respond so well to time outside, the combination of physical activity and nature makes a huge difference in sanity around here. We live in the city, but it’s worth it to make an effort to escape at least once a week and frequent wild pockets when we can. It’s good for the less sensitive kids too, but I have one that especially thrives outside.
Great tip! Funny thing, we just went on a family hike on Sunday and my HSP child kept commenting how fabulously peaceful and calm he felt being out in the woods. 🙂
Oh my goodness – I’ve never heard of this term before, and actually reacted against it at first when I read it in your post, but this is really me all over (and my husband too, for that matter)! I am just starting out our homeschooling journey and have been seriously wondering if I am just one of those “types” that can’t handle being around my VERY verbal, VERY energetic little learners 24/7! I’ve been frantic about the looming prospect of losing nap time. I LOVE the idea of enforced alone/quiet time in the afternoons! Thanks so much for sharing!
I truly used to wonder if something was wrong with me because even walking into Wal-Mart made my head nearly explode. And it wasn’t just that. I hated parties with loud music, restaurants where tons of people were talking loudly at the same time, etc. Then I realized I was HSP and knowing this has helped me come to terms with my limitations and leverage my energy better. Knowledge really is power!
I’m not a HSP but I feel like this list could help me tons! I especially struggle with routine. In theory I like the idea, but in practice I feel suffocated in having to hold to a strict schedule. Still, I can imagine my day would be calmer if it puts several of these principles into practice!
“In theory I like the idea, but in practice I feel suffocated in having to hold to a strict schedule.”
That is me exactly. Sigh. (But after realizing how much better I do with routines, I’m now a reluctant believer.)
Schedules make me feel suffocated too. I tried and tried to make them work, but with four little kiddos somedays starting the day at six is a great day and some days it’s simply an awful mistake. Trying to stick to a schedule simply didn’t work.
Routines are different. Having a routine simply means choosing certain things to do during a certain part of the day. I started with a morning routine: eat breakfast, read the Bible aloud while the kids finish eating, tidy the kitchen, oversee chores, and start school. By picking just a few things that I really want worked into my morning and doing them in the same pattern every day, it gives a bit of structure to our life.
Oh, and one of the best routine tips I’ve ever read came from Blogging with Amy. Amy said to work “margin” into your day. There’s always going to be unexpected things come up. Just plan on it. 🙂
Wow….you’ve just described me! (and my son as well). Interestingly, I’m in the middle of reading Quiet and find it very insightful. Your tips are spot on..which means I should probably go have a quiet cup of coffee somewhere. 🙂
a big YES to the quiet cup of coffee. 🙂
oh my goodness. quiet has been on my to-read list for way too long but i still haven’t picked it up. i almost didn’t read this post because i’m not a parent and i’m certainly not a homeschool parent, but your description of HSPs describes me so well. i read some reviews of The Highly Sensitive Person on goodreads and seeing descriptions there further illustrates me. for an example, i have a really hard time going to bible study even though i lead it (and love the girls). the process of driving there in the dark, on highways with lots of noise and bright lights overwhelms me before i even get there. then driving home is worse because it’s late and i’m tired and i’ve been with talkers for 2 1/2 hrs. then i arrive home and am upset because of how the house looks, etc. wow–this is revolutionary! i must read these books. great tips too.
Definitely read the books and let me know what you think. 🙂
I commented on MMD as well, but I also wanted to add here that I loved reading your thoughts on this. The daily quiet time is one thing that really stands out to me. I transitioned all four of mine immediately to this once they stopped napping, so it was never an issue. And for as long as they’re homeschooled, they never outgrow it. 🙂 I have had many friends surprised by this two-hour chunk (and maybe a little jealous?), but it’s a matter of survival for me. And I think that time is good for them as well, especially when we live in such a stimulating society. Also, as an INTP staying on top of clutter doesn’t come naturally to me, but I have developed that discipline because it helps so much with my sensitivity. Still working on the routine part, though… I can’t seem to get over flying by the seat of my pants despite seeing how it doesn’t work so well. That one’s taking more time.
Thanks for commenting here, Melissa. I’m an INFP and I also still struggle with routines. I’m working on it…
I do a lot of these things, too. We have a required 2.5 hour quiet time after lunch every day. I wake up 2 hours before my kids do, too. I never considered myself a HSP, but I don’t like violent, busy, or loud movies/tv shows, either. I’m 100% an introvert. Maybe I should look into this…. 🙂
Sarah M
Thank you for this post! I felt like you were speaking directly to me!! I’ve noticed these tendencies in myself, but it was so good to have it laid out before me like that, and to recognize I’m not crazy, and I’m not alone!! I also appreciate you sharing your tips so I can start being more intentional about creating the right environment where we can all thrive. Much thanks! 🙂
I haven’t read Quiet, and it’s clear I need to. I suspect I am a Highly Sensitive Person based on this post! I learned awhile ago that it is okay to need those quiet moments and alone time, and I’ve never understood why simple things like you described tend to overwhelm me. I just learned that I am an INFJ, and many of those are also highly sensitive people. It’s never too late to learn about yourself 🙂
Definitely read Quiet! It’s such a good read. (I waited to long too read it because I thought it sounded boring, but it’s anything but.) And nope, it’s never too late to learn about yourself. 🙂
I have always known I was an introvert but had never heard the term HSP until I read something on Holley Gerth’s (I think?) blog recently. It explained so many things about how I’ve always felt. I am reading Quiet now and have The Highly Sensitive Person in the queue.
My boys are grown, and I’m not sure I have some of the sensitivities mentioned here, but I detest large groups, small talk, and having people in my home. If a plan goes awry it sends me into orbit. Being around people is so draining, especially large groups of people. I pick up on subtleties and am easily hurt by any kind of criticism. My husband being the polar opposite does not help things!
Great read! Def true of me and thinking it may be true for our children as well. Parents, I’d appreciate your suggestions… how do you define HSP vs. SPD? Is this a diagnosis thru ped/school? 8 yo DD has always been sensitive (emotionally and to stimuli). She has been completely overwhelmed with school this year and cries 3-4 of 5 days when I pick her up. She can’t articulate what’s wrong but assures us it’s nothing serious — no one is bullying her, touching her inappropriately, etc. We specifically chose a private, Christian school with small class sizes to meet her needs. Her teacher is fantastic and says she does fine all day. We even took a break from her extra-curricular to slow the pace. I’ve been stumped. After reading this article I wonder if she’s just completely overwhelmed from dealing with stimuli all day??? Thanks for your input!
I can say that we do have a child with SPD (which is a diagnosis; HSP is not), and our occupational therapist has been a lifesaver. It sounds like because you’re concerned and “stumped” that a professional evaluation could be very helpful, if nothing else than to put your mind at ease. (My own child also has a very hard time articulating what’s wrong when something’s upsetting him, which doesn’t make things any easier to figure out!)
I would also recommend reading up: The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron and The Out-of-Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz are excellent resources. It seems to me—as a layperson—like there’s definitely some overlap between HSP and SPD, although I haven’t discussed that with our medical professionals.
I would add one more book to your list – Raising a Sensory Smart Child (lucy miller?). In my opinion, it is more specific than Out-of-Sync.
I am reading Quiet right now on recommendation from an OT co-worker (who is extroverted). Instead of thinking “I’m so tired… I need more coffee” I am realizing “I’m so tired… I need some quiet.” Working on some of these coping strategies and looking forward to the difference they make for our family!
I haven’t read that one—thanks for the recommendation!
Introvert and HSP here. I implement all your tips and find things go much more smoothly that way. I either shut down or blow up when there’s too much chaos for too long – neither of which is helpful for anyone!
“I either shut down or blow up when there’s too much chaos for too long – neither of which is helpful for anyone!”
Chuckling at this because I understand all too well what that is like. 🙂
Well that explains so much about me. I am an extrovert.
But when I am in sensory overload, I shut down and act like someone has just let the air out of my tires. I can’t get a single thought out of my head through my mouth.
Thank you for shedding light on this issue for moms. I will be sharing it on our Facebook page!