5 questions for a more connected new year

Written by Melissa Camara Wilkins

I used to think New Year’s resolutions were really stressful.

Even picking a word of the year felt like a little much:

You mean I have to handle ALL the holiday prep of December, wrap up a whole bunch of end-of-year details, AND come up with the Perfect Word to Encapsulate All My Plans and Dreams for The Next 365 Days (oh, and make sure it’s a word which will work well as typography-based wall art and/or personalized word-of-the-year jewelry), all at once??

That is a lot of pressure.

And if you happen to have tiny children hanging on your ankles/arms/neck at all times, a whole year is kind of a lot to plan for.

The word that resonates for me in January may need to be replaced by the second week in February. Things change with alarming speed (and also feel like they’re forever coming undone). There’s a reason we say the days are long but the years are short.

So I needed a simpler plan. Now I start with simple questions instead of grand proclamations, and I see where that takes me.

There’s just one tricky thing about questions: you have to give yourself permission to tell the truth, and you have to give yourself permission to do something with the answers. (I guess that is two tricky things, really.)

The questions only help if you’re honest with yourself about the answers. And the truth only helps if you let yourself be changed by it. I know you can do both those things.

(Need a road map? My book, Permission Granted {afflink}, is all about giving yourself permission to be who you really are. It might be exactly what you need.)

Questions I ask myself

What really worked for me in the last year?

Notice how I said FOR ME?

I’m not asking what worked for my kids, or my partner, or my community, or everyone around me (at least, not yet). I’m starting with the only thing I’m all the way in charge of, which is me. What really worked for me? What helped me stay healthy and present? What helped me to show up in my life? What really made me come alive? What didn’t?

Then I start thinking about how to bring the things that worked for me into the new year.

Do I need to schedule something on my calendar? Put new reminders in my phone? Have hard conversations about things that need to change? Now I know.

What really worked for our family in the last year?

Okay, now I’m ready to zoom out. What worked GREAT this year? When did we feel most connected? What rituals or practices do we want to be sure to keep? What habits do we want to stick with? What little moments do we want to revisit?

This is also a great time to notice if something works for me but not for the family—or works for the family but not for me—since I’ve just thought about both. If there’s tension there, now is a good time to think about how I want to reconcile those things.

In my ideal future, what would be true at this time next year?

How would I feel next year, in my ideal future? What would be true about my relationships? What would I be glad to have spent my time and energy on? What would I be proud of? What would I regret?

(Note to self: If you know you’d regret something at this time next year, choose a different path now.)

Questions I ask my kids

Admittedly, the older my kids are, the more logical their answers become. But I start asking them questions early to invite them into the practice of reflecting ANYWAY.

What happened in the last year?

This one sounds kind of obvious, or like maybe I’ve developed amnesia? But really what I’m trying to get at is this: what do my kids most remember about the last year?

What really made an impression, good or bad?

If I ask my kids what their FAVORITE part of the year was, half of them will say EVERYTHING and half of them will say NOTHING, I DON’T KNOW. That isn’t actually helpful! But if I ask what they most remember, I get the real deal on what stuck with them and what we might want to bring into the next year.

What are you most proud of from the last year?

This one helps them see where they’ve grown and helps me to see what really mattered to them.

Important note: You don’t have to know the answers yet.

Some questions you ask and immediately know the answers. Some questions need more time. Especially if we haven’t been in the habit of listening to ourselves… well, it can take a minute for your inner voice to get loud enough for to notice.

Start by asking the questions. Give yourself time, and see what you have to say.

What’s working for you as you kick off this new year? I’d love to know!

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