Never let your schooling interrupt your education.

All kids have special needs.

//  by 

All kids have special needs. ~SimpleHomeschool.net
Written by Jamie Martin, editor of Simple Homeschool and writer at Steady Mom

Over a decade ago, I had the extraordinary honor of working with special needs children in both schools and homes. I mainly helped them and their families in whatever way I could, and did my best to shower a little extra love their way. I worked with some children who were severely disabled, a child with cerebral palsy, a child with ADHD, and children with autism.

I both loved and feared this work. Loved it–because I felt like I was making a difference in the lives of these families and learning so much at the same time.

Feared it–because in the back of my mind I wondered if maybe God was preparing me for something. Like one day he was going to “make” me have a child with special needs of my own.

Warped, I know.

It turns out He didn’t make me, instead He made me want a child with special needs. Want to adopt one, to be exact. My husband and I, with some fear, but a bit of faith too, chose it–and the child God brought in His wisdom is our daughter Trishna.

My girl, soon after coming home at the age of four. Isn’t she gorgeous? Photo by pennybird

Trishna is creative, talented with words, and loves books and writing. (Just. like. me! Isn’t God amazing?!)

She is also visually impaired and developmentally delayed by the fact that she spent the first four years of her life in an orphanage in India.

The experience of adopting an older child with special needs has enlarged my world and expanded my borders. It has also, at times, brought me crippled to the floor with grief, overwhelm, and heartbreak.

And so I completely understand why a fellow homeschooling mama with multiple special needs children recently sent me a message, giving me a peek into the window of her discouragement. Adding home education on top of an already full plate has piled more responsibility on her sweet and fragile shoulders, and the weight seems too much to bear.

Here are a few points that have lightened my load and helped me maintain perspective while homeschooling (& parenting) a child with special needs:

1. All kids have special needs.

I agree with author Kim John Payne of Simplicity Parenting, who writes that “all kids are quirky.” So true!

One of my children may have an official diagnosis, but I also have a child who tends to be shy, and another who loves (sometimes too much) to be in charge. Viewed a certain way, these are also special needs–qualities, be they strengths or weaknesses, unique to each individual.

2. There is no such thing as a perfect child (or adult).

We cannot accomplish, nor should we try, to raise kids without issues. Issues, and the overcoming of them, is one of life’s greatest and most important exercises. This goes for our kids who are typically developing or differently-abled.

Some of our children may have to work hard to control their temper or learn to make friends. Some may use all their inner reserves in the effort to walk, feed, or dress themselves. Either way, a celebration is in order when our children emerge as victors over life’s challenges.

3. It does not rest on my shoulders to “fix” my child or fulfill all her needs.

I can’t go back and undo my daughter’s four years in an institution. I can’t compensate for what she lacked when I wasn’t there–or its effect on our present-day lives.

But often I wish I could alter what is and make up for what was.

Inevitably, when I mentally or emotionally try to shoulder this responsibility, I feel burdened and overwhelmed. I get this sense most when I use my faith in reverse and worry about the future for Trishna or any of my children.

Fear and worry don’t help me or anyone I love.

4. What’s best for our child will also be best for our family.

Divorce rates for couples with special needs children are high.

Of course we will and should sacrifice to meet our kids’ needs. But in the midst of juggling therapies, surgeries, other children, and a marriage, we must remember that what is best for our child should also work for our families.

What is my responsibility, then? What should I do for my special needs child(ren)?

  • love and nurture–without expectation, but just because it’s the right thing to do
  • open the door to the world for her (This is where home education plays such a vital part!)
  • trust God with all of my kids and their futures
  • pray when I notice a need, expecting God to guide and give inspiration
  • respond when He does–whether that means therapy, surgery–or stopping therapy or canceling a surgery (timing matters!)
  • believe that there is a plan, and that it is a good one

I have plenty of “special needs” of my own: I don’t like big crowds, I get overwhelmed easily, I hate talking on the phone, and so much more. Yet amazingly God uses me–in my family and in this world. I know that He has a calling for my babes too, no matter what their needs or uniquenesses.

And so I start again each day, whether golden moments of encouragement dawn or the dreariness of the discouraging slaps me in the face. Through my many inadequacies, I can say this without reservation:

I’m showing up. Holding out all my brokenness, my neediness, my multitude of imperfections to my children–who are holding out theirs to me.

All of us thriving in our own ways and time. All of us with purpose and mission.

All of us with special needs.

If you have a child with special needs, I’d love to hear about what you’ve found helpful in your journey of homeschooling and family life.

Originally published on November 19, 2012.

About Jamie C. Martin

Jamie is an introverted mom of three, who loves books, tea, and people (not always in that order), and avoids answering the phone when possible. She co-founded SimpleHomeschool.net in 2010 and began IntrovertedMoms.com in 2020.

Jamie is the author of four books, including Give Your Child the World (reached #9 on Amazon's Top 100 Best Sellers list), and her latest release, Introverted Mom (an ECPA bestseller). Her work has been featured by LeVar Burton of Reading Rainbow, the Washington Post, Parents, Today Parenting, and Psychology Today.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  3. Rachel @ 6512 and growing

    Yes, she IS gorgeous.

    My son was born at 25 weeks almost 8 years ago. My original desire to homeschool came from realizing that there was no way he could endure 5 days/week kindergarten. He still napped almost daily and did not have the endurance for full time kindergarten. And now, 3 years later I’m so grateful we’re homeschooling him and his sister.
    Being born so early, his left and right brain hemispheres haven’t made all the connections necessary for mastery of reading. It will come in its own time, but at home we get to play games and take it slow and gentle. At school he’d be put in remedial reading groups which I fear would affect his self esteem an push him when he isn’t quite ready.
    Rachel @ 6512 and growing’s latest post: DIY Kitchen: pumpkin muffins

  4. Denise

    Jamie! I’ve read some of your articles before and always end up feeling like you and I are twins that must have been separated at birth! I also homeschool three adopted children with special needs….I also hate talking on the phone! What is up with that?!? All my friends know that to call me is useless because I won’t answer! But thank you for this reminder today that ‘all kids have special needs’…..On my knees every morning asking God to show me how to love them like he loves them, cuz, honestly, I don’t really know how.

  6. Marith

    Good morning, Jamie.
    My sweet, beautiful daughter was recently diagnosed with autism and, while I’m currently battling through a crushing bout of sadness and lethargy, the one (only, really) thing I’ve found helpful is just hanging on to God. I get through each day by turning to God, again and again, for everything we need and thanking him for all the wonderful gifts he’s blessed us with (which are truly considerable, even though many of our dreams are crumbling).
    God may not give me answers I want, but I’m trusting that he’s giving me the answers I need. He may not give me all the strength and energy I think I should have, but he’s giving me enough to keep plugging along with my husband and our incredible kidlette, loving and learning together. And when my darling one goes off into her own, little world and I can’t reach her, I find comfort in the knowledge that God can. He is there with her and she is not alone.

  7. sandy

    Thank you, Jamie. My youngest of five also has special needs, having suffered global brain damage after a cardio-pulmonary arrest as an infant. I have learned so many lessons from this little girl. She has taught the six of us so many beautiful, sometimes hard, lessons. One of those, which you so beautifully illustrate, is that ALL of our children have special needs. It is inherent in our “fearfully and wonderfully made” status. Here’s to all of our miracles!

  9. Hank

    Jamie,

    Would you please provide a source for your comment about divorce rates? I have heard this many times and have looked for research to support these statements. I have seen just the oposite in practice with the families that include a child with special needs that my wife and I have come in contact with over the years.

    Hank (Dad to Caden who has 22q11.2/DiGeorge Syndrome)

  11. deb

    Thank you for sharing your parenting journey. I have 3 kids adopted from China, who I homeschool ( well, the eldest is now in grade 11 at high school and doing very well ; that is to say she holds her own pretty well in the face of the constant barrage of pressures to not be herself ). I understand something of what you may face with your beautiful daughter Trishna, as my youngest daughter was adopted when she was 2 years of age and we have been working at increasing her sense of attachment to us. Not sure if you have read the work of Bruce Perry.
    Thank you . I love your reflections.

    Deb

  13. Courageous Jane

    This is such a beautiful post. I don’t have any “diagnosed” special needs children, but part of that is maybe just because I haven’t pursued a diagnosis. But my kids have each had their own “special needs.” One suffers from perfectionism, one has a bad case of wanting to be famous without working for it, one still battles shyness, and one had to figure out how to break a 9 year finger-sucking habit, cope with a strange speech pattern, and struggles to read and spell at the same level as his peers. Some days I forget that these are not MY struggles … I’ve got my own. Time to look in the mirror and remind myself “I am not God.” I’ll just be the mama and love them like crazy, and offer a helping hand in overcoming whatever they can. A++ on a beautiful post!

  15. Katie

    Thank you for this, Jamie. Don’t know if you know that Luisa was a “special needs” adoption – we knew about major developmental delays due to prematurity and institutionalization, but this summer she actually got a CP diagnosis, too – albeit quite mild – but we weren’t exactly expecting that. We are learning that it’s a beautiful thing to raise a child with special needs, even as it is so very challenging.

    • Katie

      And yes, fully agree about ALL kids having special needs! My bio daughter is “normal” but is super sensitive and I think probably has some sensory issues with noise and crowds… Thankful she is in a tiny kindergarten class (8 kids) that practices Charlotte Mason habits – it is exactly what she needs right now!

  16. Jeni

    Beautifully written!! My husband and I have adopted 3 children from foster care and this spoke (loudly) to my heart. In our area it seems as though no one understands our family and we always thought we were alone. It is so great to see so many people relating to this. Thank you so much for the encouragement. It was much needed!

  17. Arlene

    As usual, Jamie, your posts are incredibly thought-provoking and comforting to me. I agree wholeheartedly that every child is special needs and I just love you for recognizing that and pointing it out. Every human is a unique, idiosyncratic individual with different strengths, weaknesses, abilities and sensitivities, interests. No two kids/people can be approached and nurtured in the same way, imho. Each child is an ever-evolving mystery for loving mamas and papas to figure out, aren’t they? 🙂

    I appreciate your mention of your own aversion to phones. We all have our “thing” like that.

    PS… I am sitting here at the Library with Steady Days sitting in my bag. xoxo

  18. Jess

    I am sitting here typing with my 14 month old daughter on my lap and a 60 ml syringe between my teeth. This is not uncommon because this is how I feed her every day, through a special button in her tummy. She is our sixth child and it has been a wild ride these last 14 months. Two open heart surgeries, a major stomach surgery, LOTS of hospital time, therapy, doctor’s visits etc. Our home school has morphed into something very different to what it was! But I am so glad we homeschool. It meant that when Kaylee was in hospital interstate, we could take everyone with us. When my oldest son was so stressed about his sister he had heart burn, he could just take it easy for the day. My braniac daughter was able to learn about hearts and all the “medical stuff” without falling “behind” on what the other kids in her class were doing. It has given me the flexibility to help each child work through the trauma of Kaylee’s medical crisis in their own ways. And I am truly thankful!

  19. Megan

    Reading this almost brought tears to my eyes. I have three children. My middle children has severe classic autism, global developmental delay and chromosomal duplication that affects him physically. While he has many struggles, my other two children have struggles as well that are just as important. His little sister is stubborn and very assertive, while my oldest is shy and struggles with reading. It can be very easy to focus on the child with the official medical issues, but my other two children need me just as much. Homeschooling has given me the freedom to help my oldest learn without stress and we’ve found a wonderful Covering group that has helped with the shyness. We have been able to work social and moral lessons that my youngest needs to work on in her everyday learning. They also get their much needed mommy and daddy time. We have found that when everyone gets their special time and special needs met, we are all much more supportive of each other.

  20. Megan

    I forgot to add I also have a visual disability, which has left me basically blind in one (multiple retinal detachments). Hence my many typos lol

  21. Elizabeth Kane

    Love this quote, Jamie: “And so I start again each day, whether golden moments of encouragement dawn or the dreariness of the discouraging slaps me in the face.” I think that’s where the gold lies. In that dusting off and getting up again to love each other as we are, and as who we want to become, in all of our unique ways that make us human.

  23. Fran

    “I’m showing up. Holding out all my brokenness, my neediness, my multitude of imperfections to my children–who are holding out theirs to me.”

    I cried when I read this. Beautifully said. It is so easy to get lost in stress and worry, but not today. I’m showing up too, Jamie.

    Thank you!
    Fran’s latest post: Growing Old Together

  24. jason elsworth

    Divorce rates for couples with special needs children reach a staggering 80-90 percent.

    5 minutes on Google will show this to be a very dubious figure indeed , which has been pretty much debunked. You really need to do some fact checking. For many this would be very dispiriting to read, especially for those who have received a recent diagnoses.

    Jason (Dad to Harry, age 13, whose body has Down Syndrome and is currently home schooled every afternoon by me).

    • Jamie

      Hi Jason. I think statistics of every sort can either be proven or debunked depending on what and where you look (the recent election comes to mind in this regard!). My point in mentioning this was certainly not to discourage anyone, but to make it a point that those with special needs children should keep in mind the extra stress it may place on our marriages.

      Thank you for your comment!