Jamie Martin, editor of Simple Homeschool
I want my kids to have a childhood. A living, breathing, mud-between-toes, romping-in-woods, staring-at-the-sky childhood. A secure foundation setting the stage for a secure life.
The gift of childhood. I allow my kids to slowly unwrap it each day within our homeschool.
But as I look around–at influences, at media, at society–I see childhood disappearing, evaporating further with each passing year. Are we all okay with that?
I’m not. For the good of our children, for the good of our society, for the good of the world we need to reclaim it.
Would you rather listen to this post?
How did this happen?
Author David Elkind saw it coming–tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen. Over 30 years ago his book The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon was published. In the most recent edition from 2001, Elkind describes what he now sees as not only a hurrying of childhood, but a complete reinvention of it.
In explaining how and why this has happened, Elkind points to the concepts of “infant” education, out-of-home care for young children, targeting children as consumers, the influence of screens in kid life, and moving childhood indoors:
“When I first wrote this book, I was most concerned about the stress our culture placed on children and the mental health consequences of continued emotional upset. Today, however, the sedentary lifestyle introduced by our new technologies makes child physical health an equally important concern.”
~ From the Preface to the 25th Anniversary Edition, The Hurried Child
The tools and technologies we now live with are nothing short of miraculous. But in the same way that a hammer can be used to build a house or tear one down, we can use the tools of our society to build childhood or tear it down.
When children and adults spend more time, by far, with faces in screens than in books or conversation, what do we expect will be the result?
Are we parenting with purpose or parenting for convenience?
Childhood is not the same as adulthood.
Childhood is unique, a once-in-a-lifetime chance to let life unfold slowly. Those who reach the average Western life expectancy of around 80 years spend 75% of their lives as adults, only 25% as children. Why rush through what is already a short and precious phase?
It isn’t easy to recover a lost childhood. And far too many of us are ourselves the culprits and thieves–in the race to look good in front of friends and family we push, enroll, and bribe for bragging rights of whose offspring read, wrote, or beat the other team in little league first.
Imagine this phase of life as an inverted pyramid.
We start off at the narrow end, protecting and nurturing our babes–allowing influences, media, and screens in at the right time–not the time someone else tells us is right, not the time when we feel pressured by our peers or even our own children, but the time we feel inside is right.
The goal is not to keep that narrow focus forever; the goal is to slowly and steadily move outward. The end aim of parenting this way isn’t sheltering, but influence.
Finding our way back
Finding our way back to childhood means planning for and allowing margin in our lives and the lives of our kids.
Author Richard Swenson defines margin as “the space that once existed between ourselves and our limits. It’s something held in reserve for contingencies or unanticipated situations.” It’s in this in-between space that the magic of childhood casts its spell–allowing our kids to fall in love with this world that will one day be their grown-up inheritance.
One of my favorite parenting books, Simplicity Parenting, outlines a prescriptive remedy to families on the fast track toward complication instead of connection. Author Kim John Payne offers practical suggestions on simplifying our children’s environments, rhythms, and schedules. I highly recommend it.
But the first step in reclaiming this phase of life is to acknowledge its rapid disappearance. I’m convinced that parents are not intentionally stealing it as much as we are not intentionally choosing it. We are the only ones who can win the war on childhood–our kids cannot. By the time they realize what they’ve lost it will be too late.
We are the guardians of their childhood. Let’s stop shirking our duty and take the responsibility seriously.
Our kids deserve it.
*********
If you found this post helpful, check out Jamie’s book, Introverted Mom: Your Guide to More Calm, Less Guilt, and Quiet Joy.
“In the end, a playful childhood is the most basic right of children.”
~ David Elkind, The Hurried Child
If you found this post helpful, subscribe via email here to receive Jamie’s FREE ebook, Secrets of a Successful Homeschool Mom!
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I feel myself trying to protect a sacred space for my kids with varying degrees of success. Wish more people thought about it as deeply as you have.
Me too. I get exhausted by the constant onslaught of movies (given by well-meaning family) I don’t like that I have to say no to, toys I don’t like, etc. It just seems to tiring to constantly be trying to weed out all the junk to make room for the good. Not that I’m giving up, I’m just feeling I need to come up with some better guidelines.
I just read Simplicity Parenting for about the 5th time. Love it!
I have the same problem with some of my child’s relatives. They don’t want to understand our limits in the name of being the “fun relative”. Sometimes after what we’ll call an “appropriate” length of time, certain gifts disappear. “Appropriate” is flexible depending on the inappropriateness of the gift. Some will come back in a few years when he’s old enough, some will find new homes altogether. Quietly and without fuss.
I love this post sooo much, Jamie! When I think of all the years I’ve homeschooled and all the “accomplishments,” I have to say that this is the biggest one: that my kids had (and are still having) long childhoods. I love this quote: “I’m convinced that parents are not intentionally stealing it as much as we are not intentionally choosing it. ” So true.
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Thanks, Sarah. So good to hear that you feel that is one of your biggest takeaways, especially since you’re so much further down the homeschooling road than so many of us!
My mom was a kindergarten teacher for 30 years and it’s crazy how much it has changed over those years: the loss of recess, rest time, and the academic expectations. When we started homeschooling this year, it definitely felt like it was a fight to protect our kids’ childhood! Yet I still catch myself worrying if my child is keeping up with a system I think is too fast. So thanks for the helpful reminder!
YES!!! I love The Hurried Child…it was a great influence in our parenting choices. Thank you for such a great post.
We see this too. I live where there are a lot of kids around, but I only see a small number of those kids out and about during the hours when they are not in school. We go on walks as a family and hardly see anyone as well, either other families or kids out playing. It was much different when I was a kid (I’m 30) but I think I lived at the tail end of that era. We had 4 stay at home moms on my section of the block and there were 4 other moms who worked outside the home only on a limited basis. The saddest thing is when I hear things today from parents/kids like this: my neighbour I heard trying to get her (then 5 year old) to go to dance class after school…and the little girl was crying that she just wanted to play. The other day, a bunch of Dads were talking and asked my husband what activities our children are in (they are young). My husband said instead we do lots of family activities like outdoor things and we try to have lots of time for the kids to play. The other dads said that must be nice! Their kids, apparently, don’t want to go to all the activities, and the dads don’t want to have to sit around and wait for the kids to be done. 🙁 There is a lot of pressure out there. I even got pressure when I decided to homeschool- my child might be “behind” I was told! (she’s not anyways). There is so much pressure to have kids do academic work so young. This post is a much needed one for our society to listen to…thank you.
I can imagine, Nola, that all those activities would steal away a lot of the precious little free time adults have, too. So there’s definitely a win-win for both sides by having limits and saying no a bit more. Thanks for the encouragement!
Yes, it’s very true. We moved (not by choice) and we are now living in new city and trying to get connected with others. These same people who are so over scheduled can’t seem to make any time to come over when we invite them. Time after time, people are “soo busy, I will get back to you” and when I mention it again later “oh yes, I will get back to you, but we are sooo busy”. It does make us wonder WHAT is wrong with us…but then the same people send signals in other ways that they are interested, but they seem to have NO TIME! Its like a plague…the NO TIME SO BUSY plague. Then it makes me feel so wierd for not having it too. But I refuse, there are more precious things in life than that. I am praying we can meet some lonely people who actually take time to come over.
We have made a very intentional effort not to be too busy as a family. I didn’t sign my kids up for classes until they went to Kindergarten, and even then you were only allowed to do one thing at a time. I make sure the kids have time to just play. In fact, I’ve started an Outdoor Adventure Group where we go out and explore different natural areas, with time to just dig in the mud or climb a fallen tree. I’m always amazed at how well-behaved all the kids are because they’re not being hurried to the next thing. Thanks for reminded us how important it is to relax and let kids be kids.
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Just wanted to comment on the “not being hurried to the next thing” part. I think that’s when most of the stress happens in our house, when I am hurrying my kids to get them out the door to the next thing. When we have time to relax and enjoy life at home (or out exploring) we are all so much happier! I agree!
I have to wonder if this is the reason we have so many adults acting like children these days. Just a thought. Awesome post!
I think it is, Corinne. Trying to recover what was lost, but in all the wrong ways. Thanks for making that point!
I was thinking the same thing. The other end of the spectrum is 30-somethings still playing video games all day in their parents’ basement. It would be interesting to see how this is related.
I agree, Barb. I think this is a casualty of our modern-day culture and look at childhood – we won’t let kids play when they’re actually developmentally designed to, but then we have created an entire new phase called “adolescence” when teens who weren’t allowed to play at the right time begin to play inappropriately then. And that has major repercussions down the line as those kids hit their 20s and 30s, too.
I am only 10 weeks into parenthood and not sure whether or not we’ll be homeschooling BUT I appreciate this article so much and just put both books on hold at the library. I am grateful for parents who protected my childhood well, and I want to do the same for my son!
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Congratulations, Alyssa! So wonderful! Don’t read too much, though–trust those Mommy instincts more than the books and you’ll be just fine. =)
Yes, yes, yes, and amen! Great post!
My husband and I were just talking about this over the weekend.
One of the most common responses I got when I told people I was going to start homeschooling was, “I could never spend that much time with my child.” I look around and see how over-scheduled so many friends’ kids have become, even children who are 3 and 4 years old. It is a competition to see how many things we can get our kids doing or a “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality. Or is it because we don’t know how to spend time with our children and just play.
We recently moved across country, and we never see people/families enjoying all the parks here. It is really upsetting. We have also visited the beach for a couple of weeks, and I constantly got the comment of “What are you going to do with the boys?” I’m going to play in the ocean, sand, etc!!!
I’d ask them ‘what do you do at the beach without kids?!’ We go to the beach because our three-year old looooves it, otherwise there’s no point for us, I find it so boribg to just laying around getting burned like a steak! 😛
Amen! Well said, Jamie. Thanks for calling attention to this insidious problem.
Thanks, Sarah!
Amen.
thanks for a great post! I have recently read Simplicity Parenting and it had some good things to think about. although we have been reading on simplicity in general since well before kids, so in many ways we have some good habits started, but it’s good to be conscious about how we are parenting. I have never read David Elkind but have seen quotes; one for the list!
I just started homeschooling my oldest son about a month ago, and next year will have my middle son home too. I was so worried about making the leap, but am so happy I did, for my sons and myself. I am so grateful for this post (and all the others!) – the daily reminders and encouragement are just what I need! It’s so refreshing to read about so many other families who have the same values as my own. Thank you!
Jamie,
I homeschool a 7 year old and 5 year old. I love following your blog and books and I enjoy this post. I have read some of each of the books you mentioned, and we have tried to implement a slower, more intentional lifestyle in our home.
But I’m wondering what exactly is meant by “childhood” and how much of our ideal is romantic vs. realistic. My kids would play all day if they could, and I think they get a lot of time to just explore and enjoy life. But in many generations and many cultures, children don’t get this kind of idyllic experience. I’m wondering some how much you need to encourage your kids to actually work (chores, schoolwork) when they need to. Thanks.
I think chores and learning to contribute to the family are a vital part of childhood, Alta, as opposed to just doing whatever one wants all the time. I’m referring more to the overscheduling and extracurricular obsession that take away the other time our kids should be playing. I agree with Montessori that play IS a child’s work and therefore is just as valuable to their development as what we do with our days.
Jamie~Simple Homeschool’s latest post: The disappearance of childhood and what we can do to get it back
The first time I took notice of this topic was before kids when I read the book “Last Child in the Woods” by Richard Louv, and it had such an effect on me. I taught in a public school setting and I really noticed how little outdoor time (or any recreation at all, really) they had during the day, and at the after school program.
Now, as a homeschooler, outside time is just a normal part of our everyday, sort of the same way 3 main meals are. This was very similar to the childhood I had–playing throughout the neighborhood with the kids from down the block until it was dark, free reign of about a 1 mile radius, and really, we played until we were at least 13 years old (then we got babysitting jobs, and played with little kids!), and I am grateful for that. I have to constantly remind myself of how I grew up, to let go of the fear that I think holds us back at times.
Sarah M
This brings me back to my focus for this year. I needed the realignment. THANK YOU.
So, so good.
I want to hop on Amazon and order all the books you mentioned. Excellent.
Thankful for your work here on the homeschool blog.
Kind Blessings,
Kate 🙂
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I for one am NOT o.k. with it (world’s influence on childhood) and I reclaim it every single day!
Our pastor made this statement a few weeks ago: “An over scheduled life is evidence of an under nourished heart.” It saddens me just how true that is and that parents with under nourished hearts are raising children in that shadow as well. A full schedule is not a sufficient replacement for a full childhood.
I loved this post and will return to wad it again often. Thanks for your wisdom, Jamie.
“A full schedule is not a sufficient replacement for a full childhood.”
Love this, Bethany.
*read it again
I just had the pleasure of hearing Kim John Payne speak at an event recently and he said there is an undeclared war on childhood, but that “we can declare peace in our homes.” So true. Hard at times, but he gives me the courage to stand firm in my convictions so that my kids can stand strong in this world.
I also recommend a book by Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise called “The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap.
GREAT book!
This is a great post! I find it hard to find a balance though between “being a kid” and having the expectations on us for what education demands of us. We don’t seem to have enough time in the day to get everything in done otherwise.
I found that instead focusing on schoolwork for the first 3-4 hours of the day, and then leaving time to be active children would be good.
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I don’t understand how it’s possible to NOT have a “childhood” like we did. I look at my kids, and they seem to have even more free and unscheduled time than I ever did. And I wonder if it’s because of homeschooling or if it’s just who I naturally am, so it translates to how I parent…
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I just moved to a new town and we are surrounded by 3 enormous parks and have a gorgeous river path running through it. Yet whenever we go walking as a family and look at the deer or the outdoors it’s empty. However, whenever we walk through the big shopping center nearby, it’s teeming with families. So sad that parents are teaching children that a “fun” weekend activity is going shopping. I like a trip to the shops now and again, but it buying stuff doesn’t bring happiness in the way that people expect it to.
same here. If I see anyone walking, its singles or maybe couples walking dogs. That’s it.