Nothing to hide ~
Written by Kari Patterson
Do you ever wonder how your kids will describe their homeschool experience someday?
I try not to dwell too much on it; we do our best and hope they’ll look back with fond memories and maybe even a bit of gratitude. But it does cross my mind now and then.
I recently sat with a group of women and, over the course of a few weeks, we took turns sharing our stories. We focused on things that have shaped us; childhood, school, significant experiences, etc. We had a mix of homeschool, private, and public education.
We had some from religious backgrounds and some not so much. Lots of variety. As I considered these stories, and compared them with countless others I’ve heard over the years, I was struck by one common theme:
Those who had the most overall positive childhood experience were those whose parents were the same in private or in public.
Lots of religious activities didn’t matter much if home was a place of shame or fear. An excellent education wasn’t as important as that sense of stability that there isn’t a show going on, no one’s pretending.
We aren’t perfect, but there’s nothing to hide.
We recently finished building a home out in the country, next door to my dad. It’s a sweet opportunity for multi-generational living while still having enough space that we don’t kill each other. (smile)
I love the privacy of living in the country. But on the other side of our house, we have, shall we say, quirky neighbors. They have a lot of cameras.
We know from experience that we’re watched and I’ve finally decided that’s fine. I chose a full-glass front door. Except for the bedrooms, none of our windows have coverings.
Here we are, one of those crazy homeschool families.
Go ahead and watch.
Sure, you’ll see a lot of sweatpants, and I’ll rarely have makeup on. You’ll occasionally see me very frustrated with my 5- and 2-year olds. You’ll see us sitting up late with our teens, talking around the fire-pit or asking hygge questions in the hot tub.
And even if someone was listening in, that’s great. Because it’s a good reminder that for the sake of my children, I want to live with nothing to hide.
It’s healthy to ask occasionally, “If this were all on film would I be okay with it?” If an outsider were watching would I act like this?”
Tears spring to my eyes when I remember some of the ways I treated our oldest son, Dutch, when he was young. Back then we didn’t know he had Asperger’s.
It was so hard and I got frustrated so often.
Now at almost 17-years old, he’s a delight. We have such a close relationship.
He knows his imperfect mom loves him dearly, and we’ve both grown over the years. I try to remember that now, as his little brothers push my buttons.
How will I respond?
This isn’t a call to perfection, hopefully that’s clear. It’s the heart of one mom who wants, more than anything, for her children to experience a healthy childhood. Where what you see is what you get.
Where stability, honesty, and integrity are words that might surface someday as they share their story. This matters so much more than which math curriculum we used.
Sure, they might still need therapy. (We probably all do!) It might be painful to hear the ways we fell short.
But oh, that they too would know the peace that comes from having nothing to hide.
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Weekend homeschool links: October 28th
Hi Kari, loved your article. I have been homeschooling my grandson Shaun for the last four years. He is 16 years old. He wrote me a letter a couple of years ago saying, Grandma thank you for homeschooling me because I know it is the best thing for me. If Shaun is willing, I want to continue teaching him until he is 20 years old then we will see where his future lies. No rush! He is behind in some topics that he has less interest in, but way beyond in others he loves like Science, especially Biology. I stopped following any mainstream school curriculum a couple of years ago. Teaching him advanced complicated maths will only stress him out so I stick to maths relevant to real life and encourage him to use his calculator as we all do. Let the equipment do the working out. I teach him topics relevant to real life and link them to each other. Eg, the Industrial Revolution – burning of fossil fuels- huge factories spewing out daily toxic gases-pollution- global warming. He gets to know the various processes around and why they are important and what happens if they break down. I did the same with the body, taught him all the processes and why each one must function smoothly to give a healthy body so a person can carry out functions to survive so the species survives, plant or animal. We have had numerous conversations throughout the years, so he understands his issues as an Aspergers and how to deal with them. We practice him talking to someone else because it doesn’t come naturally. Taught him how to small talk. Talked to him about not taking everything so literally when someone may be joking. Loves to crack his own jokes now. Explained he is prone to reacting emotionally and should take deep breaths and relax because it is never the end of the world. I keep things spontaneous and unstructured. He hates changes, but can deal with them because he is used to it. Life is unpredictable and he has had to learn to deal with whatever comes long. Lots of talking, love, patience and understanding! We still have a long journey of learning ahead, but we have a strong bond, great rapport and he trusts me. He never lies so it is very much what you see is what you get. What others think is not important, but he has to learn to live and interact with others. He is a confident, smart boy, a deep thinker, very considerate, well- spoken and polite, but of course a straight talker. His siblings admire his intelligence and respect him which wasn’t always the case. My main teaching tool starting from when he was 14 is researching. I give him topics like famous people and historical events. Right now Shaun is researching William Shakespeare and one of his great plays, Romeo & Juliet. After the research, he will write IN HIS OWN WORDS about his topic, giving his opinion if he wants and he certainly does. Then we go over it checking grammar, spelling, etc. Then we discuss the topic. Topics cover a wide spectrum, anything historical, geographical, like I said famous people so he is learning so much and not just by me telling him, but through his own research because the information is out there. Make the learning experience relevant and interesting! I have no doubt if I had left my grandson in the mainstream education system, he would have come out feeling stupid, a failure and insecure, the opposite of what he is. One of my granddaughters, Shaun’s younger sister is a straight A student academically and in sports. The system is ok for her and Shaun’s other two siblings. His other brother is very smart too and doing well at school. The oldest sister is so creative and an artist. She won the cup this year, her last year in college, for the best actress! Be alert and always do what is best for the child so they will thrive and love life.
Elaine
Shaun is blessed to have you as his grandmother, Elaine! Thanks for sharing your beautiful approach to teaching him.
Yes, that’s incredible! What a gift that you are pouring into your grandson like that!!!