The following is a post written by Kari Patterson of Sacred Mundane.
How hard should we push our kids?
This has been my most common homeschooling question. No matter what homeschooling method we choose, we all must determine how much and how we will guide/push/lead our children in the way they should go.
Even when we employ great tools like games, field trips, and delight-directed learning, we can’t always just let our children do what they want. We are our children’s greatest coaches, and all great coaches push their players toward greatness.
Two reasons to push our kids:
1. To help them go where they want to go.
We’ve all been there. We want to try something, conquer some fear, master some area, but we’re struggling. We need someone to gently help us do what we don’t think we can do.
That’s a great reason to push our kids.
Our mistake comes when we’re too zealous to make kids achieve things they don’t care about. Although my 5-year-old daughter enjoys learning to read, she doesn’t have that deep desire yet. So, at this point we work on reading a little each day, but I don’t push her.
However, she wants to ride her bike without training wheels, so even though she’s struggling, I’ll keep pushing her to practice because even if she protests, I know she really wants it.
In this way, we gently give them more courage than they would have on their own.
2. To help them go where they need to go.
The truth is, sometimes we need to grow in some area but we just plain don’t want to.
We are not called to passive parenting or passive educating — we must be active coaches.
But another area I have mis-stepped with my kids is in labeling “need” too early. First graders don’t NEED to read. Seven-year-olds don’t NEED to ride bikes without training wheels. But they do need to obey, be kind, pick up after themselves, and do their best even when it’s hard.
I find it helpful to think in terms of 3 R’s: Readiness — Reluctance — Rebellion.
Readiness — Let’s go! Push them off the ledge and let them fly!
Reluctance — They are capable, and the aim is worth pursuing, but they are fearful or need help. Gently push.
Rebellion — They just don’t want to do what they’re told. Discipline.
So now, how do we determine this?
We all know the right answer, right?
Know your kids.
It’s true. The more we know, listen to and understand our own children, the better we’ll be able to discern when and how to push them as they learn and grow.
But what other practical wisdom can guide us along the way?
I interviewed my parents — who raised and homeschooled two kids, coached hundreds of athletes, and taught hundreds of public-school students. Here are a few practical thoughts:
1. Go slow.
There’s a difference between pushing and rushing. Often I need to stop, slow down, and ask myself: Am I pushing him to conquer his weaknesses or am I rushing him because of my own impatience?
In our culture, we often rush our kids to grow up but don’t push them to excellence and virtue. We can let our children be children and embrace a slow-pace, while still pushing our children to do their best each and every day.
Look and listen and take your time to determine what is gentle prodding and what is rushing.
2. Check your motives.
Again, nine times out of ten I can get to the heart of the issue by checking my own motives.
Why am I wanting to push him to do this?
If it’s my own impatience or pride, that’s my issue. If it’s his weakness or character issue or fear, I can move forward in love, carefully encouraging and helping my child become who I know he can be. It’s the whole log-in-the-eye thing. I can usually see my children’s legitimate needs better once I deal with my own issues.
3. Get close.
My own rule is: The more I push, the closer I get.
When we were struggling through Dutch learning to read (which I knew he wanted to do but was having a hard time), I would always have him sit on my lap while we went through the Bob books.
Last week we were tackling a particularly problematic area of math, so we took the worksheet and snuggled up on the couch while we worked on it together, rather than having him sit at his desk.
When I required my daughter to make a difficult apology one day, I held both her hands and stooped down low beside her to help her be brave. Although I’ve been using the word push, I prefer lead.
We don’t let our children avoid difficult things, but we’re eager to lead them through, staying close, instead of pushing them at arm’s length.
May you be filled with wisdom and discernment, love and grace, to courageously lead and gently push your children to be all they can be.
Thanks for reading.
Your turn: How do you gently push your kids to be all they can be?
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What excellent thoughts. Yes, I couldn’t agree more.
In our house we push for excellence in a few things. Cultivating good habits is very important, we try to focus on one (or at most a few things) at a time. I think Charlotte Mason’s philosophy was spot on that in training habits we must go slow. And If they are carefully practiced, then we are only left with the matter of maintaining them. You are right a seven year old does not NEED to read, but he does NEED to be kind, obedient, and do their best. Building virtue into our daily lives is a necessity.
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Thank you, Rita–yes those good habits are so important (and difficult) to learn!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
My husband and I were just talking about this last night, specifically in the context of why we are nervous about sending our kids to public school next year. My first grader doesn’t NEED to learn more vocabulary words, but he does NEED to learn kindness and curiosity and confidence. Unfortunately, our schools tend to focus only on the former and ignore or often even undermine the latter. We are not choosing homeschooling right now because it is not the right moment for us so we are holding our breath and jumping in, but I think the idea of pushing kids (for the wrong reasons) is one of the big struggles we have with public schools.
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My children have many interests, but they can get a good case of tunnel vision about 1 or 2 of them, so I will usually take these set-aside interests and incorporate them into activities with them. For instance, my kids love the outdoors and science experiments but have gotten into the habit of sitting in front of the computer pretty much all day. This stemmed from a wicked winter and not being able to be outside much, but yesterday I said enough. I told my kids we were going to the creek. My older ones protested, but I made them go. We had such an enjoyable time looking for tadpoles, collecting tree nuts, rolling down the hills, and exploring. We even collected a water sample for a science experiment. Sometimes kids do need that extra push to get out of their funk, like we all do sometimes.
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Yes, that’s a great push! My kids are the same–they need the push to try something but then they love it when they do. Thanks for sharing.
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
I think readiness is the key. Every child is so different. And it isn’t just pushing them academically. Parents try to push their children to potty train, giving up a binky, or any number of baby/toddler things. If we wait until they are ready, the process is usually almost effortless. We need to live on their developmental timetable and the only way we can know that is by spending a lot of time observing them.
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I like this. My kids do not want to potty train. My older child has autism and is in public school. The teachers cannot get him to do it any better than I can. My younger child just simply tells me “no.” I think she still does not fully get the why or the how and cannot hold it either. I am learning after having a 7 yo with autism and a 3 yo whom I homeschool, life is easier when you relax and let them develop on their own time table. You can certainly teach and encourage, but you have to let society’s expectations go and live for you and your family. You will never please other people regardless.
Yes, observing them–BEING with them! Isn’t it sad how we can be at home with our children all day and yet not really BE with them? I find that. Thanks for your thoughts!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
Thank you! Your last several posts have really met me where I am right now. Thank you for your encouragement and for putting into words and clear concepts the ideas that have been rolling around together in my head for some time. 🙂
Thank you, Rachel!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
I homeschool my 3 year old although she does not do any curriculum right now. But this hits home to me for my 7 year old with autism who is actually in public school autism class. It was just a few months ago I had this scary thought about what life would be like one day when mom and dad are gone. I began to push him. He has the ability to talk and I thought that by getting him to say words more that he would start to feel more confident. But after months of no aggression he started hitting out of the blue. I askes his teacher if she felt like it could be due to feeling pressured because he started hitting again at school too. She observed him the next day and agreed. So now I know a major aggressiom trigger in my son. The last time he started hitting I was in this same mode of thinking…but I was being pushy and strict with his diet. This time it is with language development. Since he can communicate what he needs one way or another, I guess slower is better when it comes to his speech development. I feel bad because it is all my fault!
But the important thing is you love your son and care enough about him to figure out what was upsetting him. That makes you a great mom in my book! 🙂
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Good for you for paying close attention and figuring this out. It took me YEARS to figure out I was pushing my son too hard in a certain area. Bravo, Mama! 🙂
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
Sorry about typo’s!
Thank you for that encouraging, spot on word for today. I believe this, but also sometimes get caught up in my own agenda. I have to step back and examine my motives just like you mentioned. Just what I needed to read this morning!
Yes, we all do. Good for you!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
Thank you for this kind reminder. I particularly appreciate your final tip – get close. I have a 12 year old with Asperger’s who can easily become agitated. I live this reminder to be close and gentle through this. Relationship above all else! Also, a word to Charlotte, we must be more full of grace, even to ourselves. You have not intentionally harmed your child. It sounds as if you are always willing to alter when necessary. Our children need to hear us say we are sorry. It is always healing. May you relationship be blessed.
Yes, relationship above all else! Getting close is SO key. Thanks for your kind words, April.
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
This post is great. I love how you used the example of reading and bike riding with your daughter and what she wants to do. My 4 year old son was recently determined to participate in gymnastics and loves it, but is reserved and fearful of new places and people. He talked about it forever, but the first class began in tears. I think I was able to gently push him because I knew he really wanted it. After 5 min. he was fine and by the second class he was even smiling. It’s definitely a good way to gage when to push and when not to- and not feel guilty about it either way!
Thank you, Amy! I love hearing concrete examples of when gentle pushing really works. Thanks for sharing!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
Thank you for this. I sometimes feel like I don’t push my kids enough because I do wait until they have that true desire, at which point they often go ahead and teach themselves. There are some areas, however, where I probably need to be more on top of their progress to make sure that they aren’t just slowing due to fear of failure or confusion about what to do next.
Thanks, Sarah! I love your honesty and willingness to really ask and consider what’s best for your kids. Well done!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
I have been struggling with this lately so this is just what I needed to hear. Thank you!
Oh good, perfect timing! Bless you!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
I’m so happy to have found your blog! I was initially a little skeptical that this article was going to be a push for early academics, but was delighted to discover that it’s more about support and encouragement to help our kids overcome any obstacles to work closer towards what is important to *them.* The reasons to push kids, focusing on the their goals and hopes, and the follow up tips were all wonderful reminders of how important our role is in guiding, rather than controlling childhood. Thanks!
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Thanks so much, Pamela!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: How hard should we push our kids?
I wanted to share the pain that our family / children have experienced as I spent a couple of their first years homeschooling, pushing them out of my impatience . I thank God for now showing me how to come along-side and guide, but it is taking time to effect the change in me and heal the hurt in the children.
Maybe this will help someone who is struggling now… Stop homeschooling or greatly reduce the load (for a time) if you are just pushing them through the days to get it done or other not so right reasons and learn how to slow down and come along side. Don’t get stuck in condemnation, just ask God for help.
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My children are teenagers now, so we discuss why I believe it is important to learn certain things. I work to get them to “buy into it.” Then, when I find them off task or avoiding doing some work , I review with them our discussion. It takes a while to convince them to get back on task sometimes, but I would rather that they understand and agree, so they internalize their own goals in life and become self-motivated adults.
This was encouraging and brought more understanding into my confusion of not wanting to push my kids but not sure of what that can really look like. I naturally don’t push my kids, but haven’t seen good examples of how to lead otherwise. Thank you, Kari!
Thank you for the excellent advice. I foi d it all helpful and convicting. I think the “milestones” idea gets pushed so hard that it can stress a parent out and hurt kids. I know pushing my son too hard hurt us both and I still have to fight against it.
Wow! Did I need to read this! Ty for sharing this inspiring insight on parenting. I love the 3-R’s and how to gage my motivations, I tend to bulldoze the family into submission at all costs. ???? And the results have not been worth the price when it breeds such havoc and resentment. The little nugget at the end was worth the price of admission, “We don’t let our children avoid difficult things, but we’re eager to lead them through, staying close, instead of pushing them at arm’s length.” Ty for sharing!