Why I don’t worry about my homeschoolers’ socialization ~
Written by Annie Reneau of Motherhood and More.
If you were to ask the two million or so homeschoolers across America which question they get asked the most, I’m sure most would say, “What about socialization?”
Before kids, I might have asked the same question. Now that our oldest homeschooler is high school age (craziness!), that question seems completely asinine.
No offense, if that’s a question you’d ask. But it’s such a non-issue, it seems like a silly question from this side of the fence.
Here’s why:
We don’t homeschool in a bubble.
We leave the house. A lot. And when we leave the house, we’re usually forced to talk to people.
Our kids take classes and do extracurricular activities with other kids (both homeschooled and not). We’re active in our religious community. We have a lot of friends with diverse backgrounds and kids of various ages.
The only socialization our kids don’t get is the specific socialization that comes with public school.
The specific socialization that comes with public school isn’t exactly ideal.
There’s a lot that I could say about this, but let’s just start with bullying. It’s not like it never happens in the homeschooling community, but it’s definitely much more rare.
Some people think that kids need to be exposed to bullying, that it somehow builds character, but I think that’s bunk.
One needn’t be attacked by a bear to learn basic survival skills.
I think there are very few kids who are able to muster whatever combination of tenacity, thick skin, assertiveness, and sense of self-worth it takes to be bullied and actually come out better for it on the other side.
I think most of the time, bullying is just endured until it’s outgrown. Other times, the outcome is tragic. It’s a huge problem, and one I’m not sorry our kids don’t have to confront as children.
Our kids are learning how to deal with difficult personalities and assert themselves through normal social interactions, which is a normal and healthy way to develop such skills.
Socialization means learning to interact with a variety of people in a variety of situations.
Bullying aside, who decided that 500 other 13-year-olds are the right people to socialize a 13-year-old?
Kids benefit from regularly interacting with a wide variety of ages, from younger kids to elderly adults. Sitting in a room with 30 other people your own age for most of the day is not reflective of “real world” living.
In fact, very little about the structure of public school socialization prepares kids for real world living.
Traditional school socialization perpetuates a culture of peer orientation, which isn’t one of our goals for our kids.
Our kids have friends. Good friends. And we think that’s really, really important. But their primary attachment is to their family, which is what we want for them.
Not that parents can’t maintain a family orientation with kids in school, but I think homeschooling does make it easier.
Psychologist Gordon Neufeld wrote a whole book about the culture of peer orientation, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers, that solidified our feelings on this aspect of socialization.
We want our kids to be mentored primarily by parents and elders, not each other.
I’m not generally one to look at the olden days with rose-colored glasses, but that natural order of mentorship is one thing I lament losing in our modern society.
A lot of public schooled kids are weird, too
I think what many people mean by the socialization question is, “Aren’t you afraid your kid’s going to be socially backwards?”
I’ll admit it, when I was young, I thought homeschoolers were weird, too. They usually aren’t totally up on pop culture. They often have interests that fall outside of the mainstream. They don’t know all the jokes that get passed around the playground.
Coming from a public school mindset myself, those things used to seem “backwards” to me, too.
But really? I mean, really? Who cares?
All of that stuff is pretty pointless in the big picture. I’d rather my kids find and follow a passion that might not be “cool” than spend their time and energy trying to fit into some kind of arbitrary social mold.
Besides, I’ve known some pretty “weird” and “socially backwards” public schooled kids, too. At least as homeschoolers, our kids can be different without feeling strange or being labeled as such.
So when people ask, “Don’t you worry about your homeschoolers’ socialization?” my response is a simple and confident “Nope. Not in the least.”
I might worry about their study habits or tendency to sleep in too late, but socialization?
Nah, we’re good.
Have you ever gotten the socialization question? How did you respond? Do you ever worry about your homeschoolers’ socialization?
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I am a grandmother of six now and my own three children went to public school. I wish I had homeschooled them. When you consider the time they spend with their friends vs. the time they spend with you, it’s no wonder they are so highly influenced by their friends. Mostly, the friends’ homes did not have the same values as ours had. My daughters plan to homeschool their children as both daughters are certified teachers although they do not work outside the home. I wish more moms would homeschool their kids and avoid all the bad things they pick up so young in public schools or private schools.
Also, if there is one book that you and your homeschoolers read this year, make sure it’s “Muscle and a Shovel” by Michael J Shank. Great for class discussions too. You will love it!!
After looking up unsocialised on Wikipedia and saying to people well have you ever looked up the opposite? As I have and I now there is absolutely nothing g to worry about…It has defused and has stopped repetition of…used it on the new LE HE Lady when she phoned and she mentioned it was more to see whether the children were socialised..I replied well if you spare the time to look up the unsosialised on Wikipedia I think you will agree you will be pretty hard pressed to find any child which is not socialised…when she came out she told me she has now removed it as one of the check points…lol…It’s a really good way as if you actually do look it up it is far more in depth than people presume and further more it is really hard not to be socialised even in the most remote and smallest community. ……
“Against the question how does you child socialise??
I am an introvert so I do worry about socialization. It’s difficult for me to get out and do the meet and greet with other homeschoolers and their parents, the meetups, the different groups, etc. It’s tiring, drains me emotionally, we still haven’t found anyone we click with and I always come back home wondering why I feel it’s necessary. I’m on my first year of homeschooling (5 yr old) so this just makes the next several years look so very dim.
We do a lot of things as a family. We see the grandparents (the ones who work and the ones who don’t). We have some cousins nearby (but they’re in school, of course). I do realize that socialization isn’t just being with children in his own peer group, but even within homeschooling communities there is a lot of pressure to find your group, people, co-op, etc. which has me wondering how necessary all of that really is as well.
I am hopeful that as my child gets older he can participate in more activities on his own without me instigating everything or where he can participate (so many activities in the community only allow children who are 7 or 8 and up). Homeschooling, from where I am now, looks much easier socially for slightly older children than for the youngest – but maybe the grass is always greener.
There are many ways to fill the socializing “need” and as a seasoned homeschooler, I can attest that it can be daunting at times striving for the perfect balance between socializing and home life. I use to exhaust myself running from activity to homeschool group to church functions all in the pursuit of making sure my kids were well socialized. After years of that busy lifestyle, I took a good look at the toll it was taking on me personally, our family time and my time with my husband (as I was typically exhausted by the end of the day) and decided to cut back greatly on outside activities for a while. What I found was that as a family we really could do a good job entertaining one another and actually learned to prefer each other’s company. While my kids still maintain close friendships, I find they are choosing sibling groups. My girls, ages 16 and 13, have two sets of family “best friends” that have become like second family to us. Their ages range from 20(!) down to 13, and you’d never know the age gap between them without visually seeing the difference. Now when we decide to get together all of us end up refreshed, including the moms! Also, siblings are God’s gift to our children. And, even if they aren’t blessed with a half-dozen brothers and sisters (or more), they can have a whole lot of fun exploring, playing and learning together. Don’t feel the need to box yourself in with other’s definition of socializing. God gave your children to you and your husband and with that comes the freedom (and responsibility) to do what you feel is right for your family. Learning that just a couple of tried and true friends is worth all the school buses full of children in the world is PRICELESS. Be blessed and know that God is the one who called you to homeschool, so be encouraged – you are just the right mother for the job :)!
Siblings are wonderful, but they are not the only socialization kids need. I am assuming you got to be around your peers regularly and have plenty of chances to make friends when you were a teen. It is selfish to quit activities because you felt too busy, and then still keep your teens homeschooled. I am a homeschool graduate. My activities were the highlight of my week, and I still feel they did not give me enough time to make true friends. You may be happy as a stay-at-home mom but you have no idea how it feels to be a stay-at-home teenager. Even if your kids don’t realize their own isolation now, they may feel differently when they are older (at least that’s my experience). As a 20-year-old who was homeschooled, I beg you and all homeschool parents to take social time seriously.
Oops, I just realized how old this post is! I was a homeschooled fifth grader when this was posted!
This sounds like something my mother would have wrote. I’m 28 and don’t plan on talking to my mother ever again. I haven’t seen her in half a year, so I’m off to a good start.
I was homeschooled, and as an adult I’ve come to realize that homeschooling was ultimately to my detriment. Mother refuses to accept that homeschooling harmed me and insists that I’m just a loser who messed up my own life. I’m not the only homeschooling ‘alumni’ who feels this way and has vowed to never homeschool. For every success story, I know people who are now in the ~30 age range now who ultimately suffered because of their parents decisions.
Mother used to say the same thing — haha, socialization, such a crazy concern. When we leave the house, she talks to people! Look at her, she’s 10 and can hold conversations with adults! It’s all such a naive understanding of what socialization is and what is needed, and it’s usually people who attended public schools as kids who prattle this nonsense off.
Talking to people is socialization like sniffing food is eating. The biggest problem with a lot of the ‘socialization’ that homeschool kids get is that they’re never far enough removed from their parents, and that absolutely stifles exploration and the development of self. When your parents are always there, or you’re with other parents who know your parents and who will absolutely report everything back to them, you have to stay within the confines of your parents’ sense of acceptability, otherwise you risk punishment. So any curiosities the kid has, anything they think or want to explore that their parents don’t agree with, they’re cut off from that. As a result, crucial aspects of one’s own sense of self and discovery of preferences and understanding is put on hold until adulthood is reached, and you end up behind all your peers.
Another important aspect is shared cultural experiences. I’m almost 30, and I still feel like such a foreigner in my own culture, like a perpetual outsider. My peers all had experiences I never had and never will, they all talk about things from our childhood periods and I’m the only one who never knows what they’re talking about or can’t relate. They all listened to music I didn’t hear, watched things I never saw, had school experiences I’ll never know. But hey, I didn’t have to deal with public school bullies! That literally did jackshit for me.
It’s always homeschooling parents who themselves were public schooled who sneer at these things like they don’t matter. You have no idea how much they matter because you had them. Yes, a ton of homeschoolers grow up awkward and weird and it’s not cutesy or funny or ‘individual’ like so many homeschooling parents think. It is sad and painful for the child and ultimately serves to limit and shape their lives.
But whatever. Assuming this comment doesn’t get deleted at moderation, most of you will just dismiss it the same way my mother did so many years ago. Some of you will be fine and your kids will be fine, but some of you will end up like me and my mother — me stunted in a way I’m still struggling to overcome, and my mother cut off from her daughter, baffled and hurt but refusing to accept that she and her selfish decisions were the cause.
I weep for your kids. Some of them will be irrecoverably damaged by your choices.
I’m so sorry this was your experience, Brittany, and I hope you find your path moving forward in a way that allows you to leave the painful parts of your past behind you. Blessings, Jamie
Brittany, I am grateful for your post.
I am weighing out my options as to whether homeschool my boys or not. I am inspired to teach them, but after your post confirmed my very deeply held suspicions, I think I will just teach them what I want them to know/do what I want to do with them on weekends. Because children need the freedom to be away from their parents, their parents’ pre-selected and screened meetup groups, and their parents’ belief systems. (not interested in keeping my kids in any kind of ideological bubble) They need to experience their own little society with its own flaws, and to develop relationships with peers on their own, outside of mama’s watch. I am so glad you took the time to write about your experience, and I do hope that you find a way to ameliorate that imbalance in your own life. Thank you for sharing and you have made a positive difference !
It’s possible to accomplish all these goals while still homeschooling, too, Anna! We don’t know the ins and outs of Brittany’s unique situation, of course, but I’ve found that homeschooling has been one of the best ways for me to keep track of my children’s needs and heart issues, and a way to heal relationships. I hope you’ll feel empowered to make your decision without fear or worry as your guide, but with peace instead (& of course that could lead you to school or to homeschooling–either one could be right for you and yours!) Here’s a little something I wrote about fear that might help: http://simplehomeschl.wpengine.com/the-worst-reason-to-homeschool/
The first time I was challenged with a “socialization” quesition, I simply related the socialization experience of the day — our three sons (12, 10 and 8) had spent a half hour (of the workers’ lunch hour) peppering some power company workers about the repairs they were doing outside our home.
I realized, though, that this accepted the premises of the challenger. More often, since, I simply ask, “Did you hear what you just asked? Is that the reason to have public schools?” And I work in eventually that the reason schooling in many places was extended to age 16, 17 or 18 during the depression was so that the men with families could have the available jobs and asking, “Do they look unsocialized to you?”
Thank you so much for this thoughtful article. I was homeschooled K-12 and regularly quizzed about my “socialization.” I grew up in an era where people said, “what IS that?” in response to “homeschooled.” I found it awkward and uncomfortable to have this pointed question about my supposed lack of social activities posed to me so frequently just because I was homeschooled. None of my public and private school peers were interrogated like I was growing up. And I was frequently called out from the group when I was in a SOCIAL setting to explain myself and defend my “non-social” schooling. Now, looking back, I realize why I was uncomfortable. The pointed and accusatory way many of these questions were posed were simply rude and invasive. As if there were something wrong with me because I was out of the norm when it came to my learning environment. It was as if I were “guilty until proven innocent” of being…who knows what. Weird, maybe? Of course, I’m not including those people who asked out of a genuine interest in homeschooling. But in this day and age, as a GROWN woman, I still have this question posed to me. And used as a reason for NOT homeschooling. There are a myriad of reasons why families choose mainstream schooling versus homeschooling and every child and family is different. Choose what is best for your family. But in this horrifying era and culture of bullying and school shootings, I find it hard to believe that people would ask this question, first and foremost, “what about socialization?” when it comes to any consideration of homeschooling. Before considering issues that are pervasive and harmful, and even DEADLY, why do people continually ask this inane question with regard to homeschooling?
We are working on another area of socialization here: asking for help. We have taught our children that they are not to speak to people that we as their parents don’t know . But that was for when they were smaller. Now I tell them that they are ready to take the next step-asking for help from a stranger. The strangers I have chosen are the people giving away free cookies at the bakery dept in the grocery store. My daughter is totally comfortable with this. My boys not so much. Still working on it. I also have them make their own purchases now too. Not all “socialization” is about peers in the same age group. Next step: Call a business on phone to ask for information. Such as hours open etc…
This has been really helpful. My husband and I are about to have our first in December or January (the due date is Dec 30th) and we have always talked about homeschooling. However, my mother-in-law is quite the wet blanket, constantly mentioning that our kids won’t be social enough, and with me planning on being a SAHM, we won’t have the finances. Though I constantly explain to her all the young adults she knows who are homeschooled, including a man whose father helped him start a business at 11 yrs old, myself, and many ministers we know who are very “social”.
I am looking into homeschooling and want to start now in January. I’m afraid that I wouldn’t know how to teach my kids, for example, I suck at math, when it comes time to teach algebra and beyond. What do u do in a that situation? I also start thinking “will they have any friends/close friends?” In school, they develop friendships because they are with the kids all day, 5 days a week for like 8 years (I’m comparing this to myself, I went to a catholic school K-8). Homeschooling u don’t get that?! Is this right? How about graduation for kids. Do homeschoolers get graduations? I have one child in K and another in 4th grade and I would feel so bad my K son wouldn’t get a graduation and my other son did????. Just a couple of things that have me going back and forth.
I have a question. My niece was homeschooled and now she’s in college and she just lost her first job, mainly because she doesn’t know how to handle herself around her peers. She’s ridiculously boy-crazy (something she should have gone through in high school), she rarely says basic things like please and thank you, and she isn’t a great communicator. I know these things, because I know her former boss and she came to me out of concern. I worry about her and I don’t know how to tell her or her mother that she needs to learn to work with others her own age and how to talk to people. I don’t blame homeschooling alone, but I know that some of these things are things you learn in school. You have to or it’s a rough journey. I would like some advise on how to broach the subject or even any suggestions on how she can learn these things now. Thank you for your time.
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I read portions of this Blog and I can tell you from my experience, sadly, the “grown” homeschoolers I have encountered have some serious socially stifled behavior patterns. Things, or acts, I have seen elementary school children walk through, while working as a substitute teacher and teachers assistant in schools, are being “learned” by homeschooled “adults” who are in their mid-late twenties. As a matter of fact, I found your Blog, at 3:38AM, because I am seeking information concerning social issues I am encountering with two “adults” I am sharing an apartment with, and both were homeschooled in completely different locations in America. Sadly, I am baffled by behavior patterns that I do not expect to encounter with “grown” mature adults. But this is not my first time to experience this concern. I questioned the same social maturity issues, some years ago, as I worked with a VERY well educated teen. The student was accepted into college at sixteen years old and provided a full scholarship. Those fears were amazing, but working alongside of him, daily, was a different story. His charismatic personality was fabulous, but his devious explorative side, as he faced various types of people–who lived various lifestyle choices–caused SERIOUS concern. Co-workers noticed how he was exploring elementary inquiries, asking question and immaturely giggling about things that showed his inability to know who he was, but this behavior was appearing at a time, in his life, when he could have been living and starting to face more adult temptations. Basically, he did not know who he was! And yes, parents can defend and say all college kids go through such a learning time of finding themselves. Indeed they do, but they are finding themselves on a different level: drinking, making choices about a curfew, too much partying, or having to learn how to choose to study. But from my experience, the homeschoolers KNOW how to study and they do, but there seems to be an unspoken backwardness when in social settings.
In addition to this, based on the realization that the child does not (always) know themselves, this tends to be an issue addressed by the parent. The socialization aspect experienced by the child reveals a defensive response parents feel THEY can answer for their homeschooled child. But to those of us outside of the homeschool world, who live and work with the adult homeschooler, we see this parental act of addressing the issue as another form of a lack of understanding the child experiences: they often cannot answer the question because that is the only world they know. Also, this parental intervention of providing answers to the social aspect of homeschooling a child reveals another sideaffect of the parent trying to homeschool socialization: parents, you cannot do this for the child; they must learn these skills on their own! And that is why I am wide awake at 4:15AM telling you from experience, please allow your homeschool child to spend as much time OUTSIDE of the home learning social norms that aid them in ADAPTING to the world around them. Currently, our society enjoys bright educated self-motivated adults that homeschooled children provide. But we also enjoy people who know themselves and can aid in building society rather than working and living, alongside of us, as spectators cautiously learning how to behave like the adults around them. In my current situation, the homeschoolers have found each other and they continually seek more adult homeschoolers to live and work with so that they do not feel socially inept and stifled while living and working in society.
My daughter was recently at a birthday party and heard two mothers talking very loudly abt how homeschoolers were shy or rude. She and another homeschooler sort of looked at each other and shrugged. Good thing she was “ socialized “ enough not to say Oh then you must have been homeschooled too. ( why) Because you are rude too! As if only homeschoolers are shy or rude! Being in school doesn’t necessarily make you polite or outgoing as these mothers demonstrated!
I have homeschooled my son, who happens to have been diagnosed with ASD at age 3, for three years now. I never wanted to because of this issue (not having socialization). My son is a seeker and loves spending every minute with other children. I have provided him with a quality education and could continue to do so. We had a good run for three years. However, we feel that to keep him home any longer would be detrimental to his future. I have noticed that so many commenting have “children” – not “a child.” I think if he had had a sibling I would still continue but because I can feel his anger toward not having accessible peer socialization, feel that we must venture out. We cannot know for sure unless we take this step and try. I am a nervous wreck and wish we had private schools that were willing to take him on but sadly we are not so lucky.
Thank you for this amazing encouragement!
I get this is an old post, but seriously, as a guy was homeschooled from first grade all the way to twelth… Give your kid a good social outlet. I didn’t have that growing up and it’s almost cost me my life. I get it, homeschooling has many upsides and “there are plenty of weird public schoolers,” but that honestly just sounds like a sad and selfish excuse to not give your kid the preparation he needs socially and mentally. Some people say that they have no friends but actually do, but there are plenty of homeschoolers that actually don’t because they weren’t given good social outlets. And I don’t mean one hour on Wednesday and on hour of church on Sunday where you’re not even interacting with the people there.
I’m absolutely sure that being a parent (Especially a home-schooling parent) is stressful and very difficult, but a lot of the comments here just come off as selfish. “I needed this today. Yesterday my son was lamenting that he had no friends “in the whole world!” (he does, but his sister knows them too so he doesn’t count them;) and it sent me into a doubt tailspin. I am getting him involved in his own things but that parental guilt can be overwhelming.” If he actually does have friends, maybe it’s different, but I hear plenty of parents take this same mindset to their kids when their kids seriously don’t have any friends. Sheltering your kid and blaming something else for it is a fantastic way to make your kid hate you.
Just putting all this here on a crazy old post because many parents grew up in a situation where they, “didn’t have any friends,” but just because you’re alive today doesn’t mean you should expect your kid to turn out just fine under the same circumstances. Give him social outlets and make that a main focus, it’s more important than you think.
My husband and I have been homeschooling for several years now and have heard everything about being socially awkward. The conclusion that we’ve come to, is that if we can set the example for our kids showing them how to interact, joke, and talk with others, and then offer them an outlet (sports, music, dance, etc), what better way for a kid to learn to socialize than from their parents, then putting it into practice.