Six years ago, after I became a mother for the first time, I began getting to know other mothers in the community where we lived.
A few of these seasoned moms homeschooled their kids. Back then, I didn’t know anything about homeschooling. Like many, I thought it seemed just a little…different. Odd. Strange.
Prefer to listen instead?
Most of the time when I overheard these women talking about their educational choice, and why they were doing it, the reasons seemed to have one thing in common.
Can you guess what it was?
Fear.
It wasn’t always spelled out like that. Sometimes it sounded more like this:
- Have you seen the state of public schools recently?
- My kids might get involved with the wrong crowd.
- My kids might be influenced in a negative way.
- My kids might be teased and bullied.
- My kids might be abused.
- You never know when they’ll be another school shooting.
- My kids might not get the attention they need.
Fear. It’s a bad motivator and a worse master. It’s not strong enough to see you through the long haul of homeschooling–the ups, the downs, the daily challenges. (By the way, fear is also the worst reason to send your kids to traditional school–as in the fear of homeschooling and taking full responsibility for your kids’ education.)
Fear is just simply bad news.
At times I could see the point behind what these homeschooling friends were saying. But I didn’t want to make decisions in my life based on fear. I decided to look into homeschooling, to see if it had anything else to offer.
And then I was blown away.
Why had no one ever told me about how incredible this could be? How it could offer such a unique and amazing education for my children? Forget fear, this was plain and simple a wonderful opportunity–an adventure we could embark on as a family.
I made a list of my own motivations. Why was our family doing this?
Here are some of the reasons:
- Belief that individualized education is better than institutionalized education
- Freedom for our children to progress at their own pace, without being labeled as either slow or gifted
- Freedom for our children to pursue their own passions and interests and enjoy “self-directed” learning
- Belief that this is what God wants for our family at this time
- Freedom to bring an international focus to our family’s education
- Belief that thinking independently is of greater value than learning to “perform,” and a more valuable skill to have in the “real world”
- Promotes a strong sense of family relationships, provides enough time for individualized attention for all the children
- As a mother, no one is more committed to my children’s success than I am.
I wrote this list so I could focus on homeschooling’s benefits, its opportunities, its blessings.
I wrote it to reread on difficult days–days when I question, days when I doubt.
Days when I fear.
Our children’s emotions feed off the atmosphere we create in our home. If we create a culture of fear, we feed them fear. If we create a culture of confidence, we feed them confidence.
Which do you want to provide the nourishment for their souls?
I recently came across this quote in the excellent book, Simplicity Parenting. The words, by journalist Ellen Goodman, ring so true that I find myself considering them regularly:
“The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears.”
May we have the courage to banish fear from the doorways of our minds, our hearts, and our home schools.
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Thank you SO much for this, I am dealing with fear – I am FULL OF IT!! So my eldest 2 are in school out of practical circumstance and now I’m sending them because they absolutely love it BECAUSE I was creating a culture of fear by having them at home – not all the time, but it was a reason to homeschool that I had not yet faced. Now I’m facing it and your article is immensley helpful. Many thanks!
Excellent point! Though my initial reason to homeschool was a specific calling, today it is summed up in the word you used several times in this article. It is not fear but freedom! FREEDOM! I can’t exclaim it enough. There is such freedom in home schooling. after starting to home school 20 years ago, I can’t imagine doing it any other way.
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Thanks for the reminder!! I’ve been home schooling for over 23 years now with no break. I often feel like I need one, but with our last being only 9, adopted from China, I want her to have the same advantages her siblings had. So, I will keep at it. I do love teaching her.
I thought you made a really good point. I have to admit, fear is what made me afraid of doing homeschool. I think it’s just as bad not do homeschooling for the same reason.
Wow. Thanks! This post is amazing. I copied a bunch of your reasons and added some more of my own reasons to make my own list to look at on those hard days!
Also, that quote from Ellen Goodman has been on my fridge for a couple years. I try to live by that.
I think the best reason to home school the one that is going to keep you in the game, the one that is going to ground you not to quit is to realize God calls you to do this it is not right to shrug our responsibility unto someone else. All the other reasons are great but each one of them will not keep you at it, conviction of it being the only way the only right way according to God is what will never let you quit, even when its harder then you ever imagined. So many times I want to give up but knowing its what I must do I plug on because God called me to it and will equip me to do it!!!
Your list sounds a lot like mine. Fear was never a motivator. The fact that my children could learn the way they needed to–at their own pace–was the biggest. Love your post!
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Love this! We homeschool because we CAN! My husband owns a funeral home and there are times when he’s never home on weekends or we decide to take a vacation (normally involving education) when he’s not busy if he’s busy on weekends but can go on field trips or spend extra time at home during the week, then we do lessons on Saturday and enjoy the family time we have when we can get it. Public school parents hate my reasoning. They always ask me f t is for one of the above reasons. When I say we homeschool because we CAN, it’s just not a good enough answer for them. This goes to show that those people don’t understand what we do and why.
And as an addition to my post, j think it’s pertinent for my kids to fully grasp a concept on their own time before moving on. Each child learns differently. Plus if we are going to be visiting a civil war site, we are going to study that section before we go. Our trip to Hawaii was preceded by a lot of history lessons as is our trip to Vicksburg coming up.
I agree and was worried we were homeschooling out of fear. I was reading a book at the time that talked about making so that statements and here is why we homeschool.
We are homeschooling our kids so that, we can be the biggest influence in their lives.
We desire to be the biggest influence in their lives so that, they have a Christian Worldview
We desire they have a Christian Worldview so that, they follow hard after Christ all the days of their life.
We desire they follow hard after Christ so that,
they serve others and desire to share Christ with their part of the world, whenever and wherever that may be.
My husband was homeschooled out of fear, so it was very important to me that we break that cycle, I hear it in my in-laws comments about schooling our kids or the public schools etc. They are supportive, but are having to learn that there are new reasons and ways to homeschool now.
Although I am a Christian, I have to take issue with the 4th reason the author gave for homeschooling. Don’t get me wrong, even though I sent my daughter to public school, I heartily agree that the rest of her reasons for homeschooling are beyond valid. I just think it’s awfully presumptuous to presume to know what, if anything, God thinks about the state of the public school system in your area. I’m not saying God may not have an opinion, but unless you are having conversations with God on a level heretofore only known to Moses & a few others, I doubt you KNOW what God thinks about your public schools. YOU may know and have a strong opinion; more power to you…yay for home schooling.
I think you are labeling Fear into too tight of a corner. Fear is a natural and HEALTHY response that keeps us from doing really stupid things. Don’t climb over that fence at the zoo, else the lion might eat you. At the base of that logic is a well grounded fear.
I think the argument you are trying to make is that irrational or unreasonable fear is a bad basis for homeschooling. Unfortunately, the examples you have are neither irrational nor unreasonable. The fact is, there is FAR more reality in the examples you gave than the world wants to admit.
I was at a big conference this week. One of the booths I stopped at to see what their “info” was all about, was truthfully, Fear. It was a political organization, Christian-based (I am a strong Christian, but this was completely anti-everyone-else and trying to band together to keep them “down”), and I just said, after looking at their pamphlets, “No thanks. I thought this was something else. There is no room for fear or hate in my home.” And walked away. So sad that it was manned by young adults, probably no older than 20 years old. This means they have been raised in a culture of fear and “othering”. Homeschooling is brave and ideally we should approach education fearlessly and approach others fearlessly, even if they are different from us (if we don’t, we become the bully we didn’t want our children to encounter at public school). Thanks for your good reminder not to be driven by fear. Rather, be driven by love. Everything is going to be ok.
Also, to be clear, yes. Fear is a gift. Every child (and adult) should read, “The Gift of Fear”. We are truly wired to run away from danger and dangerous people – but have been trained to be “nice” instead of listening to our gut. Get it at the library! Gift it to your teens! Don’t let anyone go to college without reading that book. 🙂 Fear can save your life, but can also lead to anger, hate, suffering, if not carefully checked.
Presumptuous drivel. Click bait.
Many people who have taken their children out of public school have not done so out of fearing something on that list might happen, but facing the reality that those things DID happen! My older son was bullied and teased constantly and I kept hoping things would get better, but they didn’t. My younger son is special needs and non-verbal and although I cannot provide proof, I am 99% sure he was being abused by someone. Because he needs so much help at school, planting a listening device on him would not work. He was also being bullied by another special needs child, but since, well, he had special needs, there wasn’t much they could do to discipline him and they didn’t have the resources to keep my son and the other boy separate (or so they said).
As for the other so-called “fears” on the list, they are all very real. How can a child learn when they wonder if that loud noise from the hallway is just someone dropping something or a classmate getting slaughtered?
There are all kinds of reasons to homeschool and not to homeschool. It is up to parents to use the wisdom God gave them to make the best choice for their children and for their family. I don’t think we should be judging other parents even if the reason they homeschool, or not, seems inappropriate to us.
I totally agree with you, the reasons for those fears are real, and then all the reasons that the lady who writes this blog listed, I really do not understand why do we always need to demonize, belittle somebody or their position to lift our own position..yes, all of those mothers homeschool out of fear, but look at me, I know why we should homeschool our kids, therfore I’m superior to them….
What a wonderful post! Fear happens to all of us regarding decisions to educate or provide care for our child. My comment will be a little different because my child
isn’t ready for traditional schooling (public, private, or homeschool kindergarten) just yet!
My son just turned 3 years. There is A LOT of pressure to put him in pre-school, but we couldn’t find a pre-school that clicked for us. So, we decided to keep him in his home daycare where he can be with his 2-year old friend and help with the four babies who are there. It’s perfect for him bcause it’s giving him freedom. He can help the babies, do something with his playmate, or find something to do independently. He’s not pigeon-holed into mandatory block time or mandatory creative play. At pre-school, he would be forced to stay with the other 3’s, which wouldn’t be very fun. He loves people of all ages, and I don’t think he’d enjoy not being able to mingle with 2’s, 4’s, and 5’s.
We took him to a BBQ this weekend, and he had no problem hanging out with the other kids, who were all school-aged.
I’m not sure if I’ll homeschool him. I like a small Catholic school near our house. It’s gotten rave reviews from conservative parents, so it’s a start. It’s not that I’m afraid of what could happen when he hits the upper grades, it’s what I know could very well happen! But, small steps.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know your post reached someone who might not be your target audience.
Beautiful! Yes…this is so true! I started with an attitude of fear last year. That same fear made me question whether or not I should send my children back into the public school. And then a funny, marvelous thing happened. I fell in love with homeschooling. My children fell in love with it. They thrived after a challenging year. Schedules and concepts clicked into place. My oldest grew fascinated with science and history. Reading became a portal to new worlds. New adventures! Now we can’t imagine anything else. We love learning. I love teaching 🙂
In defense of fear most humans make decisions involving fear of some sort even if it is not the primary motivation. Also, regarding public school a common cliche works, “if you aren’t afraid you aren’t paying attention.” However when a critic of my motivation to homeschool tries to reduce my reasons down to only fear, it is easy for me to provide fearless reasons for homeschooling. Fears make up a small part of my motivations, but I would be lying if I said they weren’t present. I also fear that I am not providing all my child needs and that she might actually do better in public school. That too is a fear that I have to face frequently. Fears are worthy of considering as they can shed light on something worthy of considering when making important decisions. Not all fears are irrational. The idea that we should ignore our fears when making a decision is to ignore our natural alarm systems designed to keep us safe. That which makes us afraid is always worthy of consideration, and worthy of putting into perspective with the many advantages and disadvantages of each education choice we have for our children. No educational pursuit will provide a perfect education for our children. Yet it is hard to go wrong when we put the strength of our families first, which home schooling both allows to happen and nurtures.
While I agree that a decision to homeschool should not only or even primarily be focused on avoiding negatives, I would argue that fear can at times be healthy. It’s why I make my kids wear seat belts in the car and life jackets on a boat. Wisdom is recognizing when your fears should be acted on and when they are irrational. This looks different for every family and every child, but I don’t agree with a blanket statement that fear in and of itself is always a wrong motivator. Of course, though a fear may be what drives you towards homeschooling, you can still also and at the same time homeschool for the many other benefits you listed above!
I am years late in finding this, but I just wanted to chime in. I have found in my life that people who tend to always say things shouldn’t be done out of “fear” when an opposing person mentions potentially negative consequences are often people who haven’t lived in bad situations themselves. I grew up poor, homeless at times, without proper nutrition or clothing, and immersed in a world of abuse in neglect. I have seen the darkness of people. I have seen what can be done to children. I was public schooled in a low income area.
I would NEVER public school my kid unless it was a choice between having a roof over our heads and food to eat. Not because I am riddled with fear, but because I have lived and seen the worst of men and women. I do not want my kids to have to lose their innocence and see that yet. There will be time for them to learn the lessons of life and yes, they hear about my experiences, but I want them to be able to stay carefree for now.
You say in the comments above that there are “dangerous” schools and there are schools that are not “dangerous”. Ok. I can agree with that if you are talking about physical danger. However, the “danger” of a child with too much peer pressure and too little individualized instruction is still a “danger”. It might not be a life threatening one. It might be something you find is useful for the development of your kids. You even might not partucularly want that, but are willing to take the riskfoe other public school benefits. Each person will have different reasons and risk taking abilities.
But please, please- and I am.saying this as kindly as I know how- stop acting as if it makes you better than others because you are willing to turn a blind eye to the very real and legitimate problems in our schools in the guise of being positive and upbeat. It doesn’t make you better. It doesn’t make someone else better for choosing NOT to take certain risks. It just means we have had different life experiences and we have different thresholds for risk. That’s okay. You don’t get to assign “fear” to someone else’s very legitimate concerns just because you simply are more eloquent in putting a positive spin on things. As others have mentioned, all of your ‘reasons’ can be expressed in either a positive or negative way and neither necessarily indicate whether people are acting out of fear or simply evaluating the risks and rewards and making the best choice for their families.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Keysha. I definitely do not in any way think I’m better than anyone else, and I apologize if it came across that way to you. I’m more than open to the fact that someone may disagree with me and the hope in sharing my thoughts is just that it will cause others to think through their own, whether or not they come to the same conclusion.
I think it’s fine for fear and dissatisfaction to motivate us in some way, as long as we don’t allow them to control us unhealthily. Often through dissatisfaction is how we decide to make change and take a risk. And of course, we are all just doing the best we can with our unique circumstances and the hand that has been dealt to us. My hope is that when/if people perhaps begin homeschooling out of fear, they will then stumble upon the other beautiful/positive aspects of it, which will be what they then choose to focus on. Blessings to you and yours, Jamie