What about ME: On taking care of yourself as a homeschooling mom
The following is a guest post written by Anne Bogel of Modern Mrs. Darcy.
I was ready to quit.
I originally chose to homeschool because I thought it was absolutely the best decision for my kids. I wanted them to have the excellent education, individualized curriculum, and flexible schedule that homeschooling could provide.
But last spring, I found myself wondering if it was the best decision for me.
For the past two years, I’ve been homeschooling my 4 kids–ages 9, 7, 5 and 2. But I’m also a writer, and work part-time in my pre-kids field. As we neared the end of our second year of homeschooling, I found myself intensely dissatisfied with its opportunity cost. Sure, my kids were getting a great education–but I felt like I was giving up too much of myself to make it happen.
I felt frazzled, and with 4 kids, my house was never quiet for a moment. Meanwhile, I was daydreaming about all the things I could be getting done if I repurposed the hours I was spending homeschooling: all the time I would have to write, all the ambitious projects I could tackle.
My time management was awful, and it was making me cranky: I was constantly trying to snatch bits and pieces of time to focus on my stuff, but I was never able to actually get anything done in the fragments of time I was stealing from homeschooling. The frequent failed attempts frustrated me.
I was ready to quit. I considered enrolling my kids in actual, factual school for the fall, just so I could get myself some breathing room.
My morale had reached a low point when my husband and I headed to a homeschool conference in April. We talked for hours that weekend about the state of our homeschool–and my attitude. I soaked up the sessions, listening closely for practical tips on how to fit more of me into my days.
I chatted with women I admire–like Susan Wise Bauer–about creative and practical ways to find time for my work and for homeschooling my kids, too.
At the end of that weekend, I asked myself, What would it take for me to be happy with this situation? The answer was pretty straightforward: I didn’t want to send my kids off to public school. I just wanted some peace and quiet, and two hours a day to write.
And you know what? Those two things were totally do-able.
Step 1: Take care of my introverted self.
I’m an introvert who homeschools four kids. In practical terms, this means my house is always noisy, and I’m always talking. Both of those things really drain me.
I reviewed our schedule looking for ways to cut out the noise: I made checklists for the older kids so I wouldn’t have to remind them to make their beds or brush their teeth. I streamlined snack time, which had been a draining twice-daily ordeal of circular conversation.
Instead of reading The Story of the World out loud like I’d been doing, I bought the audio versions. My kids loved them, so I bought and borrowed many more audio books. I instituted 30 minutes of silent reading time mid-morning so I could have some peace before lunch, and tried to recharge by crashing on the couch with my own book while my kids read theirs.
I got strict about Rest Time: everyone–including me–would spend 2 hours alone every afternoon. The kids can read, play quietly, listen to music or audio books, or watch the occasional movie–as long as they do it by themselves.
Step 2: Carefully guard my working and writing times.
Photo by AnastAssia
I knew that I’d be satisfied if I had 2 solid hours to write everyday. I’d love to have more time, but 2 hours would keep me from panicking that I’d never get to work on my own projects again. I planned on rising early and writing every morning from 5-7. If I was lucky, I’d get another hour at 8pm.
I also planned in advance how I would spend rest time. That time wasn’t suited for intense writing, but it was perfect for responding to blog comments, checking social media, making phone calls, and knocking other small tasks off my to-do list.
Knowing I could count on these dedicated work times kept me from futilely trying to work in bits and snatches during the school day.
Ready to quit? The solution might be easier than you think
My kids are loving the new and improved routine–and so am I.
Homeschooling is such a big-picture life decision that when my life wasn’t working well, it was easy for me to blame homeschooling. But it wasn’t the root cause of my problems.
If you’re thinking about throwing in the towel, first look at the root causes of what’s not working. You may find–like I did–that your problem is smaller than you thought, and much easier to solve.
Have you found ways to care for yourself as a homeschooling mom? What would it take for you to be happy with your homeschooling situation?
This post originally published on August 29, 2012.
I loved this, thank you! Another introvert here, and I am absolutely going to introduce the 30m silent reading time in the morning – probably with a free art option, since my daughter is on the young and crafty side of things :). We’ve just begun, and it’s already clear that managing my own energy is going to be really important. For instance, I love the idea of “fun Fridays” – haha, fun for who? Tweaking that this week to go back and forth between daughter’s picks and my own!
“Fun for who?” Exactly! I find myself asking myself that same question 🙂
An art option sounds like a great idea, too.
We do fun Fridays.=) It is all of our extra school work like science, geography, history and piano. It really worked well for us last year. Instead of trying to fit one in each day, it gives us a great end to the week.
Thank you so much for this post! We haven’t even officially started home schooling yet (kids left their school in June but I wanted to give them a full summer holiday first) and already I’m exhausted from the constant contact and despairing over the state of my house !
I’ll definitely be introducing the “rest time” each day and I’ve also started making a point of not just doing everything for them (like fetching cups of water, tidying away rubbish etc.) I’d love to know more about your streamlined snack time as that’s a bit of an ordeal here too 😉
Jemma, I’m also trying not to do all my kids’ bidding. They’re old enough to get their own drinks and snacks, if I can just be willing to give up that bit of control. It’s not always easy to give it up, though!
For snacks, we set defined snack times and they have a set list of options for what they can have. They will ask me before actually grabbing anything from the fridge, like, “Mom, it’s 10:30, can I get an apple?” The older ones are good about helping the younger ones who can’t reach the snack cabinet.
Kristen at Rage Against the Minivan recently wrote a nice post about streamlining lunch packing, and I’ve been thinking about doing something similar for snacks at my house and maybe even lunches (which aren’t my favorite thing to make every day). Here’s the link: http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/08/teaching-kids-to-pack-their-own-lunches.html
Jemma, I am semi-retired from homeschooling our 3 (last child is a senior!), and daily afternoon “read and rest” was a necessity for my serenity. You ARE with your kids ALL the time and that has its wonderful and awful aspects.
Anne, “opportunity cost” — thank you for putting a name to what I wrote a bit about on my blog today, although I am looking back and feeling glad I paid it, AND glad I found ways to keep “thinking my own thoughts” during twenty years of home educating. Your new plan of action is remarkably like what worked for us.
These are wonderful reminders. I’ve done rotating snack times. Pretty much everyday, it’s a piece of fruit. All 5 kids can snag a piece of fruit once it hits snack time. I also only let one snack at a time, that way, one is occupied for 10 minutes and I can work with someone else doing school stuff. The other thing that has helped, is checking my expectations for how my house will look and what type of meal I can get on the table. I feel like each year things get easier and easier too.
Interesting, Carrie. I never thought about doing rotating snack times, but I can see how that might be useful in the future. Thanks for the tip!
Great post, Anne!
We do a reading time in the morning most days, and then I also do mandatory rest time. I don’t know what I would do without that. I definitely think there has to be some space or I go nuts!
Anne I love these tips, and incidentally I also do all 3 of these things! I even bought the CDs of SoTW too for this year so I wasn’t doing quite as much read aloud. 😉
When I think about homeschooling’s opportunity cost I remind myself how much homeschooling aligns with my highest values. I LOVE learning alongside my kids. I love revisiting my own education. I love being surrounded by books, pencils and paper. I love the flexibility, that it’s ok to scrap it all one day to just hang out and read our dozens of library books or do arts and crafts with Grandma or whatever. I love the lifestyle.
Great post, I’m going to share this with my weekly faves. 🙂
Carrie, that’s the same pep talk I give myself. And it works because it’s so very true.
Great article – we had to do something very similar to this as well. I felt like I was spending all my time giving to the kids and there was nothing left OF me at the end of the day. I just needed to know I had that couple hours a day to do my thing (which, coincidentally, was also writing) and once I modified our schedule to allow for that, it has changed everything. Thanks for the great post, good reminders for Moms!
We don’t homeschool yet but my daughter is in the process of giving up her naps so I’ve been instituting rest time. This is an absolute must for me. I’d go crazy without it.
Also an introvert—I totally get that. We have always incorporated a rest time after lunch and it’s the difference between me liking my kids and trying to hide from them in the office! I have two kids close in age but they both stay in their rooms for 2.5 hours everyday, and that is non-negotiable. It benefits everyone, in so many ways.
Thanks for sharing your story,
Sarah M
Just starting out homeschooling, this is very helpful! I work from home, so having a schedule with lots of me/work time is important. Of course that’s not really going to happen with my 9 month old, but as he gets older, he will join my 4 year old for quiet time. I’m also an introvert!
I absolutely love this….well except for the getting up at 5 am bit, haha. I am at the frustrated stage right now, especially as I think about starting next week and augh, the noise! The chaos! The two things we’ve always done is nap time after lunch, and SOTW on audio. I hatehatehate reading out loud, so I try and do audio books as often as I can. The kids will even listen to those discs before going to bed. But over the summer, our nap time has gotten quite lax, and I’ve about had it up to here with the noise all day long, which is frustrating because I know part of it is my fault.
Love the idea of streamlining snack time, too. I swear, all day yesterday the kids were eating. I was so annoyed.
So this was encouraging to read. I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to realistically keep writing once school starts, and I know I just need to make it a priority.
I don’t homeschool but I am a SAHM by choice (and I SO get the luxury of having that choice). Part of the reason that I wanted to be home was so that I could be more involved parenting. And as an introvert I get the burnt out feeling, especially having an active, extroverted daughter! And a huge desire for my own projects.
Love the ideas – it’s a good lesson to the kids to see their mom looking after herself too.
Shared with my readers and couldn’t agree more. If you aren’t fresh and re-energized as a mom, how can you help anyone else. Loved this…just like everything else you write, friend. 🙂
You failed to mention the one and only thing which will keep you and your sanity in tact… time spent alone with the Lord and His word. I have been homeschooling for 15 years. I have a M.A. and a B.A. in English and am a writer as well. I gave up teaching at the college level to stay home and homeschool my children. Time for writing??? HA!! Hard pressed to find time for it while schooling my younger three. Time with the Lord? A MUST!!! Can’t live without His grace and presence in my life everyday. Jesus is the only way anyone can sustain the homeschooling journey for the long haul:)
Thank you, Anne! I feel like I wrote this blog post myself. Great ideas and encouragement and I totally agree with Susan Allred, above- must find time for your spiritual life, as well. 🙂 (not that I’m succeeding in this area, either). My kids are still really young and it’s frustrating, sometimes. But encouraging to know that this stage will pass.
Tori, you’re so right. Rest time is often a fantastic time for me to have a “second quiet time.” I doubt I’m the only homeschooling mom who does this 🙂
Found it! I knew I’d written about the second quiet time somewhere: http://schroederfamily-cynthia.blogspot.com/2012/02/mother-to-mother-guest-post-series-day_28.html
As an introverted writer and homeschooling mommy, I loved this! I hadn’t ever thought about how being an introvert can hinder my homeschooling; but, yes, having my little lovelies hanging on me everyday, and never getting to stop talking…it’s wearing me down! I have to block out time for writing, and it’s hard, because it never fails, that’s exactly when the dog needs something, the phone rings, someone gets hurt, the fridge is being raided, the house burns down…hahaha. I also work outside the home, teaching ballet, ten classes a week. I just feel so frazzled and “school” hasn’t even started yet. I am a deflating balloon… Trying your tips to get back in the air – thank you!
I think you are right on! I also get up early-3 days at 4:30, 2 days by 6:00. It gives me the needed quiet time for my soul, time to exercise, and time w/ Brian. I also have had a quiet time in place for most of my kids’ lives. It slipped a little last year, but got reinstated when I realized that we are too busy NOT to have it. I love that yours is 2 hours. So is ours. I rarely admit that because I thought people would think I was a bad mom, but really it is for my sanity.= )
This year my qt is going to be for my blogging, and reading.
I do read out loud to my kids. This summer it became a habit, and I want to keep it up. But it is going to be limited to half an hour. We have another 1/2 hour earlier in the day that the older kids are reading to the younger ones. It gives me a moment to do what I need to that day-whether study, or shower, or start bread.
“We have another 1/2 hour earlier in the day that the older kids are reading to the younger ones.”
What a great idea! Good for the big kids, good for the littles, and good for mama 🙂
This is a wonderful idea!! Both of my kiddos are great readers but, reading to each other might make it more interesting…and when baby comes in November, they can read to him! 🙂
Well written article! You have hit the nail on the head. Such truth. Thanks for sharing.
If it helps take any guilt away, we’ve had the 2-hour rest time rule in our house since my son was three years old. I can’t live without it, and honestly neither can he.
Good for you for figuring out a way to look after yourself!
Anne that is such good insight, especially about looking beyond what we think is the problem to searching out the real issue. It’s so easy to focus on the immediate barrier and not see that there is an easy way to get around it if we only step back a bit. Nice job.
I also agree with the getting up earlier part. My wife and I get up before 4:30 (she a little before I do) in order to pray together and then work out. (The gym opens at 5.) When our kids were young, getting to bed early to get up early was easier, and we’d stagger our workout times so one of us was home while the other was out. As the kids got older we could both be out of the house while they were still asleep.
Of course, as the kids got older it consequently got harder to get to bed early, but we put in the effort and still made it work. Then in late high school our son decided that the time he wanted to chat was after we went to bed. He’d come in and start telling us about his day. When he started doing this it was such a change from the laconic teen we were used to that we stayed up to listen. Sometimes we had already turned out the lights, but it didn’t matter to him; he still came in, plopped down on the bed and started talking.
This was another obstacle to getting the amount of sleep I needed to be able to get up early and be ready for the next day. I stepped back from the obstacle and took a look. Then I decided that my son’s desire to spend time with us was awesome and I wanted to take part. So on those nights he stopped in to chat, I stayed up to listen. It turned out that my desire to get to sleep early and have the “right” number of hours sleep was the obstacle to having that time with my son!
Tim
The one thing that has been my sanity saver and has thus produced more time and space for me is to hire someone for some housecleaning. It isn’t much (2 hours every other week) and it isn’t fancy, but it is just enough to take off the pressure. That then allows me the freedom to spend time reading or writing or whatever-ing.
Sammy, I’ve thought about that. Haven’t done it yet, but I like knowing I *could* find a few more hours a month if I really needed to.
I appreciate this post. This is our first year homeschooling and it’s already become quite apparent that I need “me” time to keep us all sane. Thanks for the tips.
Thank you so much for this post! My children are still quite young (nearly 3 and 1) but I started thinking about homeschooling and love the idea. One of the main obstacles is that there will be less time for myself which I find hard to handle. I love that you are so open and honest about needing time for yourself and for your writing.
I think many times mothers don’t dare to admit it (even to themselves) because they see other mothers (so it seems!) doing everything for their children without any major break.
I definitely need lots of time for myself. At the moment I’m trying the early morning one… thank you!
This makes me feel better; I often feel like I’m not giving my 2-year-old daughter enough, even though she’s very happy. She still takes a 2-3 hour nap midday, then I usually let her watch 1/2 an hour of TV at some point and put a gate in front of her bedroom for “room time” for another 1/2 hour.
That’s a LOT of time to ourselves, but it works for us. Now I just need to buckle down and get more done during those times since summer is winding down!
I’m not in exactly the same place as you, since I have younger kiddos, but this is my second year attempting some sort of homeschool. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be easier with the younger ones because the subjects are easier, but I find it takes a lot of time preparing to make it fun and interesting and bring it down to their level.
I’m always explaining to my husband how I would be content being quiet all day, but just the fact that I have to talk at – tell, explain, reprimand, yell, etc. – the kids all day is draining. I’m so glad it’s not just me!
If I let my kids have “free reign,” they’ll get involved in their own play (which is good…) and the not want to do anything remotely structured. Or they’ll completely wreck the house while playing. *sigh* I like some of your suggestions, though. Even though the kiddos don’t usually nap anymore, I still make them take naptime and hope they stay in their rooms for two hours.
Now, if I DO get some free time, do I fold laundry, wash dishes, clean up the toys… or something just for me? I usually find myself staying up late if I want to sew or whatever.