Written by Sarah Mackenzie of Amongst Lovely Things
I hear it all the time. I bet you do, too.
“I’m homeschooling because…
…I’m afraid the culture will destroy my kids.
…I want my kids to stay Christian.
…I don’t want them to be exposed to bad language or ideas or influences.”
These statements all share one thing in common- they’re based on fear, grounded in an overwhelming anxiety that unless we homeschool our kids, things will not end the way we want them to.
It’s a fear that we aren’t in control, and that things might not turn out as we planned.
Well.
Here’s an idea worth considering: homeschooling doesn’t guarantee that our kids will come out any particular way. It doesn’t ensure that they’ll embrace our religious beliefs, get into a good college, or make life choices we’ll be proud of.
Our kids are not ingredients in a recipe. Just because we prepare them in a particular way doesn’t mean that they’ll come out how we hope. In fact, I know plenty of loving, hard-working homeschooling parents whose kids live lives running a gamut of mistakes and missteps.
Kids are human, and humanity is messy.
If we’ve convinced ourselves that homeschooling ensures they’ll come out juuuuuust the way we want them to, we’ve taken on an impossible task.
See, our success is not bound up in results. We aren’t actually in control, no matter how much we like to pretend we are (and oh, how I do!).
To be certain, as our kids grow, we have a profound impact in shaping and forming them- we read to them, talk to them, and guide them along the way.
And then they make choices of their own.
Homeschooling very well may be the thing that helps my child’s life head in the right direction. Or it may not.
There’s no real way way to know, and as long as my own value, self-worth, and success story is bound up in whether or not they do, I’m forgetting who I am and what my work is in this world.
Let’s consider a garden. If I know that I want to grow tomatoes, then these are my tasks:
- prepare the soil
- plant the seeds
- water, weed, and thin as needed
I’ll give that garden my loving attention and whole lot of time. And then I’ll wait. I cannot force the tomatoes to grow, after all. And there is, of course, the possibility that tomatoes will never come, or that when they do, they’ll be mealy or infected.
Homeschooling makes no guarantees.
What might it look like if, instead of doing it out of fear and anxiety, we homeschooled out of a deep sense of unshakable peace and rest?
What if we had the confidence and courage to know that homeschooling is worth our time and effort- not because we’ll get certain results- but because loving and teaching our kids as they are, where they are, is always worth our time and effort?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I think this what it might look like for me:
1.We’d relax and enjoy each other more.
If I was more concerned with the process than the product— if my heart was set on tending my garden rather than forcing it to bear fruit— that would give us the freedom to lay out under a starry night, get lost for an entire morning in a good book, delight in the chance to spend an afternoon at a farmer’s market or the local library.
It would give me the ability to smile more and worry less.
2. We’d read and talk more.
I’d be less stressed about having physical proof that learning has happened, and that would free us up to read wonderful books and have casual, chatty conversations about them.
I’d have a good set of questions by my side to help along the way, but the act of reading and discussing wouldn’t be practiced for the sake of keeping track and ticking off checklists.
3. I’d feel the need to demonstrate my own interests and passions.
Because I know that each of my kids needs to uncover the creative work that he is made to do for himself, I would feel more responsibility to do my own creative work in his presence.
Not in a didactic, teaching way, but in an organic, casual, I’m on fire for this so I can’t keep it to myself kind of way.
4. I’d focus on what matters most.
I would feel less of a pressing need to cram a certain body of knowledge into each of my kids, and so I’d feel less angst over making sure there are no gaps or missed subjects in the curriculum.
I’d have the freedom to go all in where it matters most. I’d listen to some of my favorite mentors tell me what those are, and then I’d give myself permission to let a lot of the rest slide.
Overall, I’d be free to enjoy my kids as the independent, made-in-the-image-of-God humans they are. I’d delight in their presence, laugh at their antics, roll my eyes at their craziness.
I’d shed the need to make sure they turn out just so, and focus instead on loving and teaching them as they are.
I’d remember that packet of seeds. I’d remember my place.
I would be free.
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My family has been considering homeschooling for a year or two now. We still haven’t taken the leap. (Some health issues on my part got in the way.) But when we started out thinking about it, I think it was from a place of fear. The schools in our area are not very good or safe. And that was our driving thought: We have to keep the kids home because school is a bad place to be. But through my reading and researching options for my kids over the last two years, I’ve changed my thinking. Now it’s much more about creating space for us to grow together and create together and learn together. The end result will be whatever it is. My goal now, when we take the leap, is only to offer learning and love.
Nancy’s latest post: When Everything is Going Wrong
Oh Nancy, what a gift. You said, “It’s much more about creating space for us to grow together and create together and learn together. The end result will be whatever it is,” and I’m just certain that is your recipe for contentment right there!
Sarah Mackenzie’s latest post: Be Who You Are! Teaching from Rest Book Club, Part 3
Excellent article!
I love this perspective, the idea of understanding why we homeschool from the positive. I often think of the big public school around the corner from us, and imagine all that is happening inside that I *don’t* want to be part of my children’s education and life, but I think it’s so much more powerful to approach homeschooling from what I do want. Thank you for this reminder!
Rachel’s latest post: On working harder than ever before *OR* how to solve problems without punishment
Me too- it’s such an easy default mindset to fall into, isn’t it?
Sarah Mackenzie’s latest post: Be Who You Are! Teaching from Rest Book Club, Part 3
YES, YES, YES. THANK YOU for this! This is needed for all the “new” homeschoolers. You lady are a rockstar -as is Jamie.(long time atheist unschooler here that loves you both!.)
Thanks so much, Julie! We love you back!! xo
While I like to believe I don’t homeschool from a place of fear, it definitely creeps in pretty regularly! I struggle after spending time with kids who are in public school and hear about an activity they are doing. Immediately I am consumed by wondering if we are doing and accomplishing enough. I definitely would relax and enjoy my kids more if I could kick that habit!
sarah’s latest post: Simple ways to serve with your kids this holiday season
Thank you so much for this article. As a mom undecided about homeschooling (and certainly want to), your words really helped me put my thoughts in the right perceptive. Thank you!
You’re quite welcome, Ellen. I’ll be prayin’ for ya as you discern. 🙂
Sarah Mackenzie’s latest post: Be Who You Are! Teaching from Rest Book Club, Part 3
Also: http://www.newfinds.weebly.com
http://edtech2.boisestate.edu/croninv/502/persuasive/persuasive_start.html
This is true after they are launched as well. As a mother who homeschooled and launched five…. We can just change a few words: “What if we had the confidence and courage to know that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is worth our time and effort- not because we’ll get certain results- but because loving and BEING WITH our kids as they are, where they are, is always worth our time and effort?
Oh my gosh. Yes. So true.
Love you, Ginny!
Sarah Mackenzie’s latest post: Be Who You Are! Teaching from Rest Book Club, Part 3
My sister and I were both homeschooled K-12 and…well, let’s just say our life choices have been very, very different from one another’s. I am so eager to give my kids what I feel like was the most important experience of my life–I do think about that the most–but the fear that things may not “turn out” the way I hope is definitely there. I always appreciate reminders like this. 🙂
This is beautiful. Thank you for the helpful and insightful reminder to not stress about all the outcomes and milestones. Sometimes I get tangled up in looking for progress in ways that I want my child to change when that isn’t always up to my control. I loved recently on your online book club the focus on finding the words that I want my child to use in describing their homeschool experience – that puts the work back in my hands. The atmosphere, environment, tools, and feeling of our home are under my influence. Thank you for adding this layer to my learning journey too. Great reminder.
Cara@TheHomeLearner’s latest post: Homeschooling & Adult ADD: Building a Stronger Brain
Thank you so much for this timely thoughts. This where I want to be. Thanks for the reminder!
Just what I needed! Thank you!
“I’d have a good set of questions by my side to help along the way, but the act of reading and discussing wouldn’t be practiced for the sake of keeping track and ticking off checklists.”
YES! YES! YES! I was a public school teacher for 10 years- 7 of those years was teaching kindergarten. I can’t tell you how many times I was reminded to be sure to cover different comprehension strategies- on every.single.book I read aloud. When I pushed back asking why I couldn’t just read an awesome book for the sake of loving books and wanting my students to fall in love with reading, I would get lectured on how important these strategies are for students to know and practice. After all, it is so important for little Timmy to know how to make text-to-self connections for all those books he will never read as an adult, because he thinks reading is boring!