The following is a guest post written by Charity Hawkins, author of The Homeschool Experiment.
It was a late Wednesday night after church. I had planned to give my three kids a snack then send them immediately to brush their teeth and get ready for bed. My husband was working late, and I was ready to be done with the day.
Then my eight-year-old son asked if he could play “Jingle Bells,” for me on the piano, and I was so thrilled that he was finally excited about piano that I said yes. Then my six-year-old daughter begged to play. Of course, my three-year-old son wanted a turn next.
The minutes were ticking by and I thought, why did I ever agree to this anyway? We were an hour past bedtime already. I could feel my blood pressure rising. Then my son and daughter started bickering—one being bossy, the other whining. Nobody was listening to me.
“Stop it!” I snapped. Like a whip. “Go. Brush. Your. Teeth. You’re done.”
Eyes wide, the kids stared at me, frightened, then hurried to obey.
I won. But at what cost?
You see, I tend to struggle with anger. I didn’t realize it so much until I had children, until I saw their tender faces crumple, saw tears roll down their cheeks.
As if their hearts were glass, and I crushed them in my furious fist.
I’ve wept many times over the harsh words I’ve spoken to my children, wishing I could take them back. Sometimes it’s like approaching a cliff: I know I’m getting close, I can feel myself beginning to get “irritated,” or “annoyed,” or “frustrated,” (all code words for angry), and then, before I know it, I’m yelling.
That night at the piano I didn’t yell, but I got too close to the edge. I was speaking and acting in anger, and my kids felt it, and they deserve better.
That night I wrote in my Anger Journal, or renamed in a positive light, my Gentleness Journal. This is one practical tool I’ve found very helpful in understanding why I get angry and how to prevent it in the future.
Here are some questions I ask in my journal:
What happened BEFORE I got angry?
My main triggers:
- I’ve let my children wheedle, beg, or argue their way into getting their way, but I am mad that they pressured me into it.
- The kids have been disobeying for a while and I’ve been ignoring it.
- Things are chaotic, messes are being made, and no one is listening to me.
- They are fighting and being mean to each other.
- They are embarrassing me in public (like the check-out line at Super Wal-Mart, which I’m convinced was designed by Satan).
- General irritation that’s not at all their fault (usually hormonal or I’m just exhausted by life).
What could I do NEXT TIME to respond better?
- Give my children LOTS of practice waiting for things in life so they are more patient, less demanding, and don’t expect to get their way all the time. (This might be the number one parenting advice I’d give a mom with a toddler.)
- Consistently correct disobedience instead of waiting until I’m mad.
- Say no gently but firmly if I really don’t want them doing something. Remember that it’s good for them to get practice at not getting their way.
- When things are chaotic, and I feel those bubbles of irritation (anger) at the flour spilled all over the floor or whatever it is, take a break. If we keep plowing ahead, I’m going to blow.
- Separate the kids until they can calm down and stop yelling at each other.
- Pray. A lot. Try to avoid horrendous situations like Super Wal-Mart during nap time.
- EXERCISE. This helps me in every way imaginable. During my husband’s busy season I force myself to go to the YMCA at least twice a week (even though I still sometimes feel guilty about it) because I know it makes me a happier, calmer mama for my kids.
I also have some questions that remind me to be proactive in gentleness too: Did you speak gently but firmly when giving instructions? Did you expect the kids to listen and obey, but consistently and kindly correct them if they didn’t? Did you praise each child for what they did right today?
These have all been helpful as I walk the path to be a gentler mother.
Today my two oldest were begging to help me sort their clothes in the attic, and I acquiesced. But within about three minutes they were driving me nuts. I was trying to focus and sort eight years’ worth of baby and children’s clothes, complete with approximately twenty-seven thousand mismatched socks.
They had promised to be quiet but couldn’t manage to keep themselves from skipping around clutching at all their old toys, grabbing clothes willy-nilly, and incessant question-asking. I began to get annoyed (angry).
I realized I needed to just say no. So I told them, “Thank you for your hearts to help, guys, I really appreciate it, but I just don’t have anything you can help with right now. When I get to the point you can help, I promise I will let you know.” I held firm, even when they cried in disappointment. But that’s okay. Sometimes I will need to say no to things.
It’s much better to say “no” or “wait” on the front end with gentleness, than to let my children talk me into something and explode in anger later.
It was a small step, but I’m thankful for it. It’s a long road, this road of motherhood, so I want to celebrate each step in the right direction.
Do you struggle with anger at your children? What are some strategies you’ve found to deal with it?
10 homeschooling stereotypes (& their rebuttals)
So timely for me, sadly! Thanks for the reminder and the great tips.
Thank you Kristin!
Oh, my word … I needed to see this post… I’m gonna be completely real and transparent. I completely lost my freaking mind and screamed and yelled at him because he didn’t get up and brush his teeth, and there was a mess all over the place… We pray together I said I know that we’ve asked the Lord to help me with my anger and your obedience 1000 times and it seems like God does not answer or listen… So we have to trust that he does…. but what if you don’t see those answers… ????? completely discouraged and thinking that school would be better for him ..
Thank you so much for this article! I just snapped at my 6yo son for waking the baby up for what feels like the thousandth time. And of course I felt super guilty about it. And this was after yelling at him for not paying attention during homeschooling and getting irritated when he ignored me at the library. I want so much to always be calm and gentle but I feel that anger boiling up inside me. I am definitely going to put your suggestions into practice!
Cindy, It’s so hard isn’t it. I was thinking about this last night since I knew this article was running, and thinking how it’s actually been months since I’ve yelled, all by the grace of God. (I’ve had a few moments of being irritated and unkind, but thankfully God helped me recognize it and go exercise or redirect the kids before I was mean.) So the good news is, in my case anyway, the more I work on this area, those habits of gentleness seem to take root more and more. But anyway, I understand. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
I loved Charity’s book so much, so I just had to read this 🙂 And, it was so timely. My daughter entered the terrible twos about six weeks ago, and I neeeeed to get my anger in check! Pinning 🙂
Thank you Jenna! You have lots of great ideas–I enjoy your blog. The twos and threes are rough–when they outright defy you or slap you in the face. With my third I think it’s easier to be calm and follow through w/ correction because I remember it’s not personal! 🙂
Oh.my.goodness…I am not joking at all when I say that this could have been my post, my life right here and now…I actually felt chills reading this. I’m even from Tulsa, haha! 😉 Anyway, all except the gentleness journal, which I have never thought of and is about to rock my world, I can tell!! I am starting one RIGHT now. Thank you SO much for sharing such an incredibly convicting, inspiring, and definitely God-given for me post!! I am going to pray God’s blessing over you and your family right now. Thank you again, and I thank God for you!
Wow Lindsay, that IS crazy! Especially the Tulsa part! I wonder if we have met at some homeschooling thing or another. The journal has REALLY really helped me, and it’s been a long road, but by the grace of God, I do feel like things are better. I very much appreciate your prayers! Sometimes I notice it’s about the time I think I have everything all figured out that I mess up again, just to remind myself I don’t have it all figured out yet! 🙂 Thank you for your prayers and honesty!
I look at my three month old son and keep thinking, “Isn’t this great? I haven’t lost my temper with you yet.” The same cannot be said for my big kids. I really like the idea of having them practice waiting; patience doesn’t come easily to my six year old. Usually the only time he has to wait is when I’m busy, which is also usually when I’m more likely to snap. I really want to practice making him wait when I’m not already at my wits end.
Rachel, that’s funny! I remember thinking that in the hospital w/ my 3rd–I haven’t messed you up yet! And you don’t even argue with me yet when I say it’s time to lay in your bassinet! 🙂
Okay, the patience thing is like the best kept secret ever. I heard it explained like that in this book Bringing Up Bebe about French parenting and thought –this is brilliant! And it is! I realized my kids were quite bad at it. 🙂
Thanks for your very honest post.
I think that we all have that struggle at some point, the getting irritated, frustrated and angry with our family. I once told a friend (that was not a mother yet) “I use to have patience, then I had children” But the reality is that I still am a very patient person (been blessed with those high energy, outside-the-box, wired differently little girls) it’s the constant irritant that if I am not careful to filter, to give myself grace, and allowing myself to take a short break and renew my energy (introvert here) that is when patience for me is fading away.
Funny things that will be a git irritant for me is poop, we are in the potty training my last baby girl, and cleaning it on the floor many time a day drives me nuts lol… so maybe I will be my normal patient self after she is fully potty trained…. or maybe they will find new creative way to test my patience, but then I will have to put your lovely tips into action. Thanks for sharing 🙂
THank you so much Renee. It’s hard to be honest & vulnerable sometimes (what will all those other perfect mothers think?) but this is an encouraging and real group, thank goodness. Oh, the potty training! I sympathize. I remember feeling like it would never end! Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Charity,
Thank you for being open and honest about this struggle which so many of us face. I have been through so much with anger and we have found a great book: The Anger Workbook for Christian Parents, which even has sections for helping your children deal with their anger (it’s contagious!). I have come so far, and the bad days feel really bad when I see their faces after I “blow it.” One thing I can say about the grace of homeschooling is that since we are all together so much they get to work through things with me in ways we just couldn’t if they were out of the home six hours a day (not that I don’t dream of those six lonesome hours on certain days!!). I so love my boys, and I am so grateful that God is merciful and persistent in healing the places that lead to anger. I am learning to tend to my own needs and just to take space sometimes or “start the day over.” I wish it were just that easy — I have the tools and viola, I never yell again. But, it is a process and we have to be so mindful of all that leads to anger in ourselves (fears, perfectionism, unmet needs, etc). I love your gentleness journal! Good stuff.
Thank you Patty. Beautifully said. That book sounds great. 🙂
Charity,
Great post!
I too sometimes struggle to keep my anger in check with my kids. I think it’s really brave of you to be honest about it-its not usually the side of our selves we want to share. Thanks for the tips, I’ll be keeping them in mind today as the inevitable kid madness erupts around me!
Thank you Gwyneth. It is hard to talk about our failures publicly, or even with friends, but I feel like that ragged edge is where God meets us.
Wow, what a great post! Thank you so much for this!
Kari, your latest post title caught my eye. Wow, beautifully and powerfully written! The one that jumped out to me today was –Losing our pride. Ouch. 🙂
This is about the best article I’ve read in months! All your questions are key and really hit home with me and for the moms I work with as well. We are not perfect moms, but when we can examine situations and look for new ways to approach those that are frustrating for us, it can make a big difference. I am going to grab a journal and start writing down my list and keep your questions close at hand. Thanks so much!
Thank you so much Susan. It’s amazing how that act of going to a journal after I have lost it really helps me figure out what the triggers were and avoid them the next time. Whoever said that quote about “thoughts getting untangled as they flow through the pen” –that’s me. Thanks so much for your kind words. 🙂
Also, for me, a perfectly timed post! My 5 1/2 and 20 month old have been home with the flu for 1 week while husband is out of country on business. Now that my son is better he is bugging the little one and I lost my cool a couple of times. What breaks my heart is that he gets angry like me. He’s learned it from me. I’ve used a bracelet that I switch wrists when I feel myself getting angry to remind me to respond kindly and gently. Some days it feels I am the only one with a super strong willed son and daughter entering tantrum phase. Thanks for your honesty and the honest comments. Helps to know we are not alone in our struggles. And, I gleaned a lot from the French book too. I regularly let my 20 month old wait she sort if has to for some things. First born not do much!
Deborah, I love that bracelet idea. Also, yes! I see the anger in my kids and recognize myself. When I am calm, for the most part they are too. We’ve all memorized Pr 15:1 about “a gentle answer turns away wrath” but I think it’s benefitted me the most! 🙂
This is a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing it. I struggle with this as well, and have had the same experience of not realizing I have anger until having children. I used to be so calm and patient and unflappable before I had children… What happened?? I try to use pretty much the same strategies as those you mentioned to keep myself from “blowing.” I do lots of self talk. I try to avoid getting into situations where I need to hurry. I try to remember to get down to their level when asking them something (they’re all under 5). I try to get enough sleep and eat well (I’m a real bear when I’m hungry). And I try to stay away from being too self critical. I could beat myself up a lot about this, but it doesn’t help. When I act in an angry way towards my kids, instead of just berating myself, I apologize to them, which I hope models humility. I keep a Gratitude journal, but I might need to add some specific writing about gentleness and kindness as well. What a great idea. I really love this post and your honesty about this subject.
Thank you so much Amy. The hurry and the hunger – yep, me too. Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with us. 🙂
Thank you so much for this post. I have struggled with this a lot, and these are some great ideas and things to think about. You mentioned prayer, and I strongly believe that prayer, along with reading scripture every day, has truly changed my life. I have verses written on cards that specifically speak to my current situation, and I try and pray them or read them through them frequently. I am trying to offer my mouth daily to the Holy Spirit and let Him use it for good and not evil. I still have really bad moments, but thankfully, they are fewer these days!
Bethany, that’s beautiful. There’s nothing like meditating on scripture to change our hearts and actions, I totally agree. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for this post and it’s honesty. This is one of my biggest challenges. The kids are away at school all day and I am home with the baby so when they come home I want some quality time with them. What I want and what ends up happening are two very different things. With homework and chores to do and everyone complaining and whining, I end up angry almost every day. Then I wonder if the kids really know how much I love them when I am rushed to put them to bed. I sometimes even rush the hugging and goodnights with hurried “GET TO BED, I love you!”. I grew up not know how to control my anger and now I see it in my kids, especially the 21 month old. I love the journal idea, but have never been a journal type person. I really want to start one so maybe I will start by doing what you do. I also have been collecting articles and posts from other moms about anger issues and plan to add yours to it. Thanks again!
Darcey,
I pray right now that the Lord would guide you into the best ideas to help you. I just started writing down each time I got mad, what happened, why and how to avoid next time. It really helped me process. Also, the scripture memory/meditation idea and bracelet idea above are great. Maybe there’s a way to cut down on what needs to be done at night so the routine can be less hurried? I know (just like someone mentioned above), when I am in a hurry is one of the times I’m most likely to get angry, so I try to not be in a hurry or remind myself, as Ann Voskamp says, “There are no emergencies.” That helps when I get irritated, but I know if you’re up against a clock for bedtime it’s stressful. I don’t have the answers but pray God would give you just the right ideas to try to help and just know –you’re not alone! 🙂
Thank you for this post! It is always nice to know I am not the only one who has problems keeping my anger in check when it comes to the kids. Some things that really help me with anger:
1. Peace bell: this is a bell in the kitchen that makes a beautiful sound when you strike it. Whenever I (or the kids) are starting to feel grumpy, frustrated, or irritated, we can ring the peace bell. The idea is that, when the bell is rung, everyone else will be quiet for a moment and take a nice, deep breath. My 6-year-old daughter, especially, likes to use the bell, especially when she notices that I am getting grumpy.
2. Daily afternoon quiet time: I absolutely could not survive without our daily quiet time. Each kid goes to a separate room with some quiet toys to play with, and I do a short 10-minute breathing exercise/meditation and some yoga stretches. This has made an immeasurable difference in my attitude during the rest of the day.
3. Paying close attention to my own emotions to see when I am starting to get irritated (just as you described). It is amazing how hard it can be to recognize the signs in myself that it is time for a break, and to be willing to actually take a break. *Fortunately*, I get plenty of opportunities to practice this every day!
4. Limiting my screen time. I find that I am more likely to snap at the kids when I’m trying to read something or “just finish one more thing” on the computer, yet they keep interrupting me. We are all happier when I can impose restrictions on my own screen usage.
5. Warning the kids. When I am having anger issues, I tell the kids I’ve reached the “red zone”. They know this means that an eruption is imminent, but they can help prevent it by playing nicely and being polite instead of whining. I also declare “quiet zone” in the room I am in whenever I start to get overwhelmed by the constant kid noise; anyone in the “quiet zone” has to talk in whispers and be very quiet. They are allowed to stay in the zone with me if they can abide by those rules, otherwise I ask them to go to another room. The kids have gotten so used to this now that they will often happily run along together to play somewhere else whenever I declare quiet zone.
I love the idea of a “peace bell,” Sarah! Thanks for mentioning it!
YES to quiet time!!!! The youngest one(s) nap and the non nappers have 1 hour of quiet play. I’ve done this every day with almost no exceptions, since the beginning of motherhood. Its a sanity saver and I wish more moms would realize its okay to do this!!! At first they tend to fuss with the transition from napping to non napping quiet time but stick with it and insist on it and it pays back a million times over!!!
Me too! Where did you get the peace bell? Can you give a link to a similar one? It sounds so nice! I love your other ideas too. Thank you for sharing.
The bell I use is from a (now-defunct) Zen alarm clock. (And by the way, once you get used to waking up to the beautiful sound of a resonant bell, there is no going back to an obnoxious alarm clock. You can hear the pitch of the bell here if you click on “Hear E-Tone Chime” towards the bottom on the left side of the page:
http://www.now-zen.com/Zen_Alarm_Clock.html
I did a quick search to try to find something similar to the long piece of metal we use as our bell, and this looks similar (and is less than $9). It has an amazingly resonant tone that lasts surprisingly long:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0000775G0/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0000775G0&linkCode=as2&tag=nourisheda-20
By the way, I should mention that the idea for the peace bell was not my own. I think I read about something similar in a Thich Nhat Hanh book years ago, and more recently decided to come up with a way for us to have a bell to help with negative feelings.
Sarah-
Thank you for the Peace Bell suggestion. I just ordered 3 – one for my family and for 2 friends that struggle with anger as well. This tool seems like the perfect way to keep us all mindful of the fact that we are falling into the same old cycle and the we need to STOP before we reach the crescendo.
Charity-
I am so happy I read this post. I love your idea – a Gentleness Journal. I am struggling with my anger as a mother and feel as if I am actually making some progress lately largely due to journaling. I am going to implement your idea of journaling about the triggers behind my anger. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home where anger abounded and I want so desperately to show my children that there is a better way.
Such a good article! I am the same way. I’ve always had the most success when I say “no” on the gentle front end, as you described, rather than waiting until I’m totally angry. Then I’ll still say “no” but it won’t be gentle. It’s hard because we treat adults so differently. We say “yes” to adults and they see the social cues that things are frustrating us and then they back off (generally). Since kids don’t see social cues, they totally miss that you’re about to blow and it genuinely surprises them. I don’t think it’s my kids’ job to read when I’m annoyed. I think it’s my job to take breaks, make realistic choices and control myself. It’s hard though!
Yes, it’s like my kids are shocked and amazed that I’m mad after they’ve disobeyed 47 times! But , yes, it’s my responsibility not theirs, I totally agree. 🙂
Thanks for the great post. I appreciated how you broke down the anger code words (annoyed, irritated, frustrated). I tend to use these words, when the real issue is definitely anger. I have been taught in my Biblical counseling classes that when we encounter anger, in ourselves or others, a good question to ask is, “What do I want that I am not getting?” or “What do you want that you are not getting?” And then, with that thing identified, we can explore: is it necessary? Can it wait? Is it good for you? etc. I really appreciated your list of practical ways to approach angry situations. Thanks for being so honest.
ooh, Linda, you hit the nail on the head. Those are great questions to ask. Usually my answer is, ” I want to get my way quickly, with no hassle of children interrupting/derailing my plan.” Usually when I get mad the root is really 1) selfishness or 2) pride. Ouch.
I think this is great, thank you. What a great idea for the gentleness journal so you can see your triggers. I am going to do that. For me, Its when I am tired and I just want some time alone. Today I was feeling it coming during after lunch dishes. Two of the kids were helping and singing made up songs. It was nice…but I was done with all the noise. I felt I could just yell at them to PLEASE STOP THE NOISE! Instead, I said, okay, one more dish, and then Mommy is going to finish while you go find your quiet time things! In a nice voice and I finished the dishes and they went for quiet time- no anger involved! Yay!
Yay, Nola! Oh, that is a great story. It’s those small steps and what a peaceful home resulted in that one choice of yours to not yell. Good job!
This is timely for me to read! I just broke down this past week after yelling at my 5 year old son because he wasn’t listening. Sometimes I feel like the only mom who struggles with anger. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone, lol. I love all of the suggestions and the gentleness journal, I’m going to start one. I also sat down with him and we both memorized Galatians 5:22 on the fruits of the spirit and went over the meaning of each “fruit”. It was helpful (for the both of us!) to go over patience and self control. Thank you for writing this!
Damariz,
You are definitely not alone! (Since God has opened my eyes to this in my own life, it’s amazing how many parents I see at the park or whatever who are being downright mean to their kids. They are angry and frustrated, and the kids feed off of them, and everyone’s just mad. I understand how it gets that way, I’m just saying, there’s a lot of parental anger going on out there!) Beautiful idea about Gal 5:22. Memorizing scripture (and forcing myself to say it inside my head to myself when I’m getting “annoyed/irritated/frustrated”) has really helped.
This post I’m convinced, was an answer to prayer. Was tearfully pleading with God to give me practical ways to apply His word in regards to my anger. We currently live in a townhome with thin walls and am often wondering when the neighbors will turn me in for being world’s worst mom for my infamous yelling matches. Love the idea of the gentelness journal. Thank you for yur transparency and making me feel a little less alone.
Praise the Lord. Stefani, He is faithful and will give you ideas and help you when you come honestly, as you have. I pray right now that some of these ideas would connect and give you some practical strategies. Praying for you. 🙂 P.S. You’re a good mom.
I was having one of those days. You know them. My head has been hurting cause all I have been is screaming and dealing with the children ALL DAY LONG. I have been praying. Opening up Facebook-first thing on my newsfeed.
I love the journal idea. I feel calmer. Like everyone tells me-it is always nice to know I am not alone.
Okay, God is so awesome. It’s a bit terrifying to tell everyone what an awful mother I am at times, but I felt like He wanted me to write about this, as scary as it was. Jamie picked this one article out of about 10 I sent her, and clearly God had a plan. I’m glad it connected with you.
Wow! Great post, thank you for opening up so profoundly. It’s true, we don’t often talk about it because we feel so much guilt! But it is human, and I think us even pondering it and wanting to discuss it makes us great mothers. I have been struggling with how to open up about my struggles with patience, thank you so much for giving me so much to think about!
Ana, Well, from the looks of these comments many of us deal with this, so you have many friends. This online community is a great place to encourage one another and build each other up, and I bet within your group of homeschool moms, you’d find others to talk about your struggles with. Todd Wilson (he wrote the foreword for my book and published it) has a great book called “Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe” which is great and deals with the whole idea of being REAL with each other. You might enjoy that one. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
I needed this today. I’ve been snapping left and right and it’s really not their fault.
Leah, I understand. Praying it gets better today. 🙂
Thanks so much for your honesty and practical tips. It all sounded like something I could say about myself. I have found that regular exercise (especially the all out heart pumping kind) keeps me sane. It’s like a pre-emptive time out for mom. I burn off stress and frustration and get a little space at the same time.
Jessica,
ME TOO. Exercise is really preventative for me. The other day I was “irritated” and being grumpy for no reason and (thankfully) I felt the red flag/warning signs. We ditched our plans and I told the kids “Mama needs some exercise to feel better.” We went to the YMCA and an hour of someone else watching the kids while I ran did wonders. Totally agree!
Wonderful article! I have struggled with my temper for many, many years. I prayed to God for patience. Honestly, I thought God would “fix” me. That was what I wanted. But God always seems to have other plans. He wasn’t going to sprinkle “patience dust” on me while I slept and I would wake up a new, better, calmer mommy. Things in my life tried my patience, daily. I was a mess between anger and the terrible guilt that follows. But I kept praying. Finally, I realized God wasn’t going to “give” me patience. I realized the things in my life that were breaking my patience and driving me straight to anger were not going to change overnight. It clicked in my head. Maybe God was leading me through so much stress to build my patience. It’s hard to explain but I realized maybe this was training for patience, life long training. I needed to change my approach to stress and focus on one thing. What kind of legacy do I want to leave? What memories do I want to give my family? I certainly didn’t want them to remember an angry mom always losing it. It took a lot of prayer and deep reflection on my part. I think a Gentleness Journal is the perfect way to do that. I start everyday with these thoughts, “What happiness can I share with my family today? What memories can we make? What is really important today? If this is the last day I have, how do I want to spend it?” I still have my moments but they are far less often. I thank God for opening my eyes.
Shannon, what a testimony. Thank you for sharing.