Written by Kari Patterson of Sacred Mundane.
“I‘m concerned about Luke,” she confessed.
We leaned in to listen, and she shared her struggle honestly. Of course we could relate. The three of us have 12 kids among us, all homeschooled, and we each juggle other responsibilities as well. (I’m sure you can relate too!)
Her concern was about anger. She’d seen her 8-year-old son angry often, and also recognized her own tendency toward anger.
I assured her she wasn’t alone. In fact, in the past 4-5 conversations I’d had with homeschool moms, all recognized their struggle with anger in their own personal lives.
I’ve even heard moms say they quit homeschooling, because they found they became too angry and felt that they couldn’t enjoy their kids and educate them too.
What is it about homeschooling that makes us so mad?
Of course there are myriad reasons. We’re with our precious cherubs ALL DAY (forced smile) and we’re solely responsible for ALL of their needs with no BREAK WHATSOEVER AND NO ONE ELSE TO TURN TO! (Whoa! Sorry, got carried away there.)
How can we overcome anger and model patience, calm, and joy for our children?
I share these thoughts not because I’ve arrived at perfection, but because at the beginning of the year I was deeply convicted of my own tendency toward anger, and earnestly resolved to overcome this, for the good of my own heart and for my kids.
I’ve never thought of myself as an angry person, because when I’m mad I get quiet, not loud. But when my son (who is scientifically-minded) told me, “Mommy, I think you have an anger-gland,” I knew it was time to change. And, I’m glad to report I’ve seen tremendous growth in my life and in our home in the past 6 months. Hooray!
Photo by Patrik Nygren
Here are three things that significantly helped in my journey of overcoming anger:
Be desperate to change
In any area of life, we often have to reach a “rock-bottom,” so-to-speak, before we’re really desperate to change. Big things happen when we’re willing to do anything in order to change. Because I’m a Christian, I began earnestly praying every single day that God would change my heart and take away my anger.
Slow down and simplify
More often than not, anger came from filling our cups too full. I pictured our family like four cups of water. The bumps of life will inevitably jostle us around, lots.
If our lives (cups) are too full, clear to the brim, every hiccup will send us spilling anger and frustration out all over each other. When we slow down, simplify life, do less, don’t rush, we give ourselves the time and space to be bumped and jostled without spilling.
Anger often comes because we’re attempting too much, too fast.
Trade control for self-control
This has been huge for me. Too often I try to control my children rather than teaching (and modeling!) self-control. We cannot control circumstances or people, we can only control how we respond to those circumstances or people.
When I slip into control-mode, my inevitable response is anger when they don’t do what I want! When I am focusing on exhibiting self-control, I am intentional about modeling this virtue for them, and teaching them how to practice it as well. Rather than just responding to each circumstance, I become more proactive, training them what it looks like to exhibit self-control during daily life.
Photo by amenclinicsphotos ac
Self-control is often overlooked and undervalued, but it’s absolutely crucial for our kids and ourselves. In an age that glorifies self-indulgence, we are wise to invest the time and energy necessary to teach our kids this life-giving virtue.
It’s true, homeschooling can often bring our worst-selves to the surface. Anger is just one of the issues that can arise.
If you struggle with anger, please know you’re not alone. May you find hope and encouragement to overcome, and grow each day as a parent who exemplifies patience and love. {Thanks so much for reading.}
What has helped you overcome anger?
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Yeah, I use anger as a red flag. If I’m getting mad at them during school, I’m doing it wrong. It wasn’t too long ago that I was the one staring at a book of implacable math problems, and having teary breakdowns. This year I’ve been studying learning styles, and I plan to tackle things a different way. I have a baby due in November, so I’m looking for ways to make this year as simple as possible.
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Simplify, learning about learning styles–great ideas! Yes. Thanks so much for your thoughts!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Overcoming anger in your homeschool
i love your statement about giving up control and focusing instead on self-control. For me, that is key to anger. My anger flares up when I focus too much on everything going my way and it inevitably doesn’t. This isn’t only in the homeschool setting but in everyday life. I homeschooled my girls for 16 years and let me tell you, I got angry more than one time. Little picture-wise I questioned myself daily thru insecurities I self-generated. Big-picture wise homeschooling was a resounding success. I had such precious years with my daughters that created bonds between me, my husband and the girls to each other that are so precious and so strong. My daughters are 25,22 and 18 and their successes have helped erase the memories of the times I would blow up (wish I was a quiet angry) when my frustration level boiled over. Keep your eyes on the big picture, someday you will look back at your homeschooling years, as I do today, and see the blessing it is in your life as it is in your children’s.
Ahh, I love your perspective Jean! Thank you. It’s such a gift to hear from moms who have already been through the trenches. Yes, big-picture verses the little daily struggles. Love that. Thank you so much for sharing!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Overcoming anger in your homeschool
Yep. Control. When the kids don’t do things as I think they should — or don’t obey, or whatever — my anger tends to build up. But it’s not just the actions of others. I find I get angry driving when I feel like the drivers around me are out of my control (which they are). My reaction is anger, but it’s grounded in fear (fear for my safety in my car, fear that I’m messing up the kids if I don’t get them to behave now, etc).
Beautifully, I don’t get angry when I’m resting in God’s grace and provision.
Thank you for the reminder that I should keep my focus on Him, and keep returning to His will and sovereignty and grace.
~Luke
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Yes! Isn’t fear at the root of everything? Do I trust that GOD is in control? Thank you so much for sharing, Luke!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Overcoming anger in your homeschool
Good article, but your view on the moms afternoon alcohol consumption, and the “do whatever works, no judgment here,” can be detrimental to a family. As a recovering alcoholic, it was those “no judgment” moms that gave me a green light to keep drinking because it “worked.” No, not every mom who drinks is an alcoholic. But when you plan your day so that you can without guilt, or feel you need it to cope with your family, that is never okay, and can lead to alcohol dependency. I was dying for anyone to shake me and say what I was doing was not okay. Those glasses of wine turned into bottles of vodka, and became my main priority. Listen to the moms you know, really listen, and don’t be afraid to “judge.” You might help save her life and her family.Thankfully, God got a hold of me and shook me loose. But wish another mom would’ve asked deeper questions when I joked about needing it. Nothing “ha” about it.
Oh, yes, Crystal, I’m so sorry for my nonchalant attitude about that. I’m very sorry. I know this mom was just joking, and does not struggle with alcoholism, but you are absolutely right, it can be (and often is!) incredibly destructive, and I’m very sorry for that attitude I expressed. Praise God for His awesome deliverance in your life! Thanks for sharing.
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Overcoming anger in your homeschool
Control vs. self-control… Ugh. This is a big one for me.
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You’re not alone! It’s half the battle to know what the battle IS! 🙂
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Overcoming anger in your homeschool
This is such an important topic for mothers! If it is helpful, I blogged about some ways and methods that have helped me with my own anger here:
http://nourishedandnurtured.blogspot.com/2013/04/ways-to-deal-with-our-own-anger-and.html
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Thank you so much for sharing, Sarah. Great thoughts. I love the Simplicity Parenting reference too. I’m also interested in your fermented bread! 🙂 Thanks again for sharing!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Overcoming anger in your homeschool
So glad you posted this! I was just watching anger management videos with my six year old son yesterday and have been really working on myself. I’ve been reading “Anger” by Thich Naht Hahn. It has been great and eye opening. I also love Dr Laura Markhams book Peaceful Parent Happy Kids. Mindfulness and just taking a breath have helped me so much. I was praying but I didn’t have these simple tools that have helped! I’m still on my journey but I can relate to this so much, being with your child all day, no break 🙂 if you get mad and you are with adults you can just take a few minutes but with kids sometimes you don’t have a few minutes, they always need you! It’s very hard work but everything good is!
Thank you so much, Brooke! Yes, everything good is hard work. A simple, important reminder!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Overcoming anger in your homeschool
Ive struggled for years with anger, resentment, and even rage. I’m about to start homeschooling my oldest and have feared I’m blind to the real challenges, thank you for giving me fair warning!
Thank you for your honesty, Annette. Also, as you head into homeschooling, having a CLOSE friend who you can be completely honest with, can be so helpful. It’s so awesome to have accountability, someone who can help you along the way. I hope you find a good community, and have good friends who can walk along you. Homeschooling is challenging, for sure, but so worth it! Thanks for reading and sharing here.
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Overcoming anger in your homeschool
Finding and learning as much as I can about authoritative (not to be confused with authoritarian) parenting techniques as well as becoming as much of an expert on the developmental levels of my kids has been the only thing to help me calm my frustration and anger.
Ahhhhyes . . . posted on the very day that my head spun around and blew up during lunch time. My trigger is kids going nuts (bellowing, fighting, loudly interrupting, etc.) while I’m attempting to read aloud, instruct, explain, what-have-you. With a 2 yo and a 4 yo in the mix, not to mention the extremely short attention spans of the 7yo and 9yo, this seems to happen approximately 90% of the time. Or what feels like 190% of the time. Or 1,090% of the time. But yes: modeling self-control. That is the key. And man, I really blew it today.
The other HUGE factor for me is setting correct expectations in my own mind. If I’m trying to push it when things are clearly not working, it doesn’t make sense to continue to the point of my eyes turning into laser beams and my mouth breathing fire. Setting whatever-it-is aside until a better time makes so much more sense. But man. It’s hard.
It’s good to talk about some of the maddening realities of homeschooling. I often find myself thinking, “If only…” but goodness, I need to work with the hand I’m dealt. It’s just so. hard.
Thanks for your perspective. I love the cup analogy. It’s what I call leaving margins. My goal for our homeschool this year is to make it more fun. Hopefully, that will also curb frustration.
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Yes, I can relate to being more angry and less patient when life is too full. A book that has helped me tremendously is called Good and Angry, by Scott Turansky (and I’m blanking on the coauthor’s name). I highly recommend it! Basically, they explain how anger is an emotion and is good for identifying when there is a problem, but not good for solving the problem. They then go through several common parenting situations and walk you through what it looks like to stop and evaluate where the problem is, as well as focus on the heart of the issue, so that we are growing character in our kids rather than just responding to behavior.
Larae, I’m going to look into the book you suggested. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this post, I needed it. I’ve been concerned lately about my anger and my response to my children and we haven’t even started homeschooling yet. I really liked your analogy of the cups of water. I know in the future when I feel the anger rising I’ll take a deep breath and visualize my cup of water settling instead of splashing over. 🙂
“When I am focusing on exhibiting self-control, I am intentional about modeling this virtue for them, and teaching them how to practice it as well. Rather than just responding to each circumstance, I become more proactive, training them what it looks like to exhibit self-control during daily life.”PLEASE can you share what this looks like practically..what do you say and do to “train and teach” because there has to be more than modelling it..especially if your children need help right away..if they’re older and have some bad habits that need correction..I know it would take time…but in the meantime…what do you have them do or say differently..is there some kind of practical consequence when they do get out of control.
Thank you so much for this! I do not homeschool my son, in fact I work full time (just switched to part time.. yayy). But I do put a lot of pressure on myself and take on a lot of control when it comes to raising him. (my husband is constantly pointing this out). I LOVE your example of the glasses being full.. I fill us all up to the brim and get so upset and confused when we start splashing anger all over ourselves. Thank you for these simple pointers (going on my prayer list now)!
God Bless. ..
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“Slow down and simplify”…yes!!! I am not an angry person in general, but when I have just way too much on my plate, I can feel my patience dwindle…
Thank you for sharing this. I think this is a subject we either laugh off or don’t talk about. Early in homeschooling I struggled greatly with anger. First admitting that I was allowing unreal expectations to guide our homeschool was huge. Then, asking myself what I wanted my children to remember was key to making real change. We certainly don’t do it great every day but anger is not usually a constant undercurrent anymore – thank God for grace!
I was so encouraged by this. Thank you very much! I linked this post/blog onto my blog. I’m quite new to the linking/tagging on blogs, so I just directly put the link of this post. Just letting you know. Thank you so much.
Here is the post https://homeschoolingwithtears.wordpress.com/2015/07/03/overcoming-anger/
I don’t want you to think I plagerized:) hehe
Fantastic Article. Thanks for sharing!!
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I remember one time I had had a meltdown. My son wasn’t performing in our homeschool to my satisfaction AGAIN. That old monster fear kicked in. I stomped into my bedroom and slammed the door. Whenever before, when I turned to the Lord in these times, His question to me was always the same: “Do you trust Me?” So here I was again on my knees, tears rolling down my face. This time, the Lord’s question was like a bucket of ice water. He asked me why I wanted my son to be like Sam (name changed). I had grown up with Sam. He was very bright in school, had ultimately become a mechanical engineer, in fact. Yet Sam was also everything I never wanted my son to be: judgmental, quick-tempered, abusive, arrogant. I thought of the little notes my son would leave me telling me he loved me “verry (sic) much. ” I thought of the dead bird funeral he had conducted for the sparrow only the Lord had known had died. No, my son had qualities that were more important than great intellectual ability.
I can’t say I became the perfect homeschool mom after that, but I know I became a better one. My son is now 24, married, holds down a good job and just found out a big promotion is coming his way. But most important, he is still sweet and tender hearted. A man who met him once told me he could see Jesus in my son. I can think of no higher compliment, because as Christian homeschooling moms, we are producing not just students, but disciples.
Thanks for this! So glad to hear other people are struggling with this. I had a violent outburst today (and I’m in the midst of considering homeschooling next year), and that violent outburst made me doubt all my happy plans so much. Who am I to think I can pull this off?
Thing is, I know being with them all day could be taxing, but I also think not having the the drop-off and the pick-up and the tight schedule in the morning is going to help simplify my life as you say, so I think it MIGHT be easier in a way.
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