The following is a guest post written by Charity Hawkins, author of The Homeschool Experiment.
It was a late Wednesday night after church. I had planned to give my three kids a snack then send them immediately to brush their teeth and get ready for bed. My husband was working late, and I was ready to be done with the day.
Then my eight-year-old son asked if he could play “Jingle Bells,” for me on the piano, and I was so thrilled that he was finally excited about piano that I said yes. Then my six-year-old daughter begged to play. Of course, my three-year-old son wanted a turn next.
The minutes were ticking by and I thought, why did I ever agree to this anyway? We were an hour past bedtime already. I could feel my blood pressure rising. Then my son and daughter started bickering—one being bossy, the other whining. Nobody was listening to me.
“Stop it!” I snapped. Like a whip. “Go. Brush. Your. Teeth. You’re done.”
Eyes wide, the kids stared at me, frightened, then hurried to obey.
I won. But at what cost?
You see, I tend to struggle with anger. I didn’t realize it so much until I had children, until I saw their tender faces crumple, saw tears roll down their cheeks.
As if their hearts were glass, and I crushed them in my furious fist.
I’ve wept many times over the harsh words I’ve spoken to my children, wishing I could take them back. Sometimes it’s like approaching a cliff: I know I’m getting close, I can feel myself beginning to get “irritated,” or “annoyed,” or “frustrated,” (all code words for angry), and then, before I know it, I’m yelling.
That night at the piano I didn’t yell, but I got too close to the edge. I was speaking and acting in anger, and my kids felt it, and they deserve better.
That night I wrote in my Anger Journal, or renamed in a positive light, my Gentleness Journal. This is one practical tool I’ve found very helpful in understanding why I get angry and how to prevent it in the future.
Here are some questions I ask in my journal:
What happened BEFORE I got angry?
My main triggers:
- I’ve let my children wheedle, beg, or argue their way into getting their way, but I am mad that they pressured me into it.
- The kids have been disobeying for a while and I’ve been ignoring it.
- Things are chaotic, messes are being made, and no one is listening to me.
- They are fighting and being mean to each other.
- They are embarrassing me in public (like the check-out line at Super Wal-Mart, which I’m convinced was designed by Satan).
- General irritation that’s not at all their fault (usually hormonal or I’m just exhausted by life).
What could I do NEXT TIME to respond better?
- Give my children LOTS of practice waiting for things in life so they are more patient, less demanding, and don’t expect to get their way all the time. (This might be the number one parenting advice I’d give a mom with a toddler.)
- Consistently correct disobedience instead of waiting until I’m mad.
- Say no gently but firmly if I really don’t want them doing something. Remember that it’s good for them to get practice at not getting their way.
- When things are chaotic, and I feel those bubbles of irritation (anger) at the flour spilled all over the floor or whatever it is, take a break. If we keep plowing ahead, I’m going to blow.
- Separate the kids until they can calm down and stop yelling at each other.
- Pray. A lot. Try to avoid horrendous situations like Super Wal-Mart during nap time.
- EXERCISE. This helps me in every way imaginable. During my husband’s busy season I force myself to go to the YMCA at least twice a week (even though I still sometimes feel guilty about it) because I know it makes me a happier, calmer mama for my kids.
I also have some questions that remind me to be proactive in gentleness too: Did you speak gently but firmly when giving instructions? Did you expect the kids to listen and obey, but consistently and kindly correct them if they didn’t? Did you praise each child for what they did right today?
These have all been helpful as I walk the path to be a gentler mother.
Today my two oldest were begging to help me sort their clothes in the attic, and I acquiesced. But within about three minutes they were driving me nuts. I was trying to focus and sort eight years’ worth of baby and children’s clothes, complete with approximately twenty-seven thousand mismatched socks.
They had promised to be quiet but couldn’t manage to keep themselves from skipping around clutching at all their old toys, grabbing clothes willy-nilly, and incessant question-asking. I began to get annoyed (angry).
I realized I needed to just say no. So I told them, “Thank you for your hearts to help, guys, I really appreciate it, but I just don’t have anything you can help with right now. When I get to the point you can help, I promise I will let you know.” I held firm, even when they cried in disappointment. But that’s okay. Sometimes I will need to say no to things.
It’s much better to say “no” or “wait” on the front end with gentleness, than to let my children talk me into something and explode in anger later.
It was a small step, but I’m thankful for it. It’s a long road, this road of motherhood, so I want to celebrate each step in the right direction.
Do you struggle with anger at your children? What are some strategies you’ve found to deal with it?
10 homeschooling stereotypes (& their rebuttals)
Thank you for being so candid about your mommy anger! I struggle with it too. I find myself exhausted and frustrated 99% of the time, and I only have one child (a VERY strong willed 4 year old). I love your idea of figuring out what started the frustration in the first place, and as I read your post, I could think of three or four times today alone that I allowed my son to get away with something that made me angry simply because I was too tired to fight it. But then I ended up yelling and angry…And feeling terrible. So thanks again for your honesty and for the suggestions. 🙂
Hi Kat, Yes, that’s it! Those little strong-willed ones wear us down, don’t they? Stay strong! 🙂
This post is timely for my own life and spiritual journey. Thanks for your honesty and transparency in posting it! Looking forward to trying to put some of your wise ideas into practice.
Thank you Jill. 🙂
Great post! I’m really diggin’ the Gentleness Journal. It is something I will be implementing into my days. Thanks!
🙂
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing this…my husband was out of town this week, and one of the nights was hard. My son wanted me to read a book during the time when I felt I should start supper, but reading books is a good thing, right? So I did it. Then he asked for another. And another. And supper got on the table late, and then bedtime got off to a terrible start. Yelling, screaming. Sad. I read David Walsh’s book about saying no, and he said something about how if there’s something you feel uncomfortable with, as a parent, your answer should be “no.” I struggle with feeling like I shouldn’t say no to something just because “I” have some adult reason for saying no, including “I don’t feel like it,” but I’m seeing the wisdom in this approach (and thank you for validating it) more and more!
Steph J,
That could have been our house. My kids come up with these ideas, and plenty of them are good ones, just not right then. I have to remember that “Mommy doesn’t have energy for that right now” or “Nope, not now.” is a fine answer too. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
No is a perfectly acceptable answer and children do need to learn to accept a simple no. However, I also like to offer another positive alternative. No, I will not read the book right now. Would you like to help me stir the bread dough or match up the socks or sing a song or whatever? I only have a 2.5 year old and many times he just wants attention from me, but it doesn’t necessarily need to be whatever he’s asked to do.
Also, my 2.5 year old has entered the “why, mama? but why?” stage. I try to keep explanations very simple for his age, but sometimes there is no why. There is simply “No” and a change of subject.
What an excellent post! You sure hit the nail on the head with the list of “triggers”. I would love for you to share this on my Tuesday blog link up party at:
http://courtshipconnection.com/?p=4240
I know this would be a help and encouragement to my readers!
Hi Kathy, I’ll email you, but um, I don’t know how to do that! I have a feeling it must be pretty basic, so I’ll do my best to figure it out. 🙂
Thank you Charity for sharing your story and ideas. I am digging the Gentleness Journal Idea…
I know the biggest thing that sets me off in a yelling state of anger…have even yelled it out to my oldest (9yrs) this week…it is when he hits/kicks at younger brother (7yrs) and younger younger brother (3.5yrs) when he doesn’t get his way with them. At the moment, I am only disciplining after the undesirable behaviour has happened, what I need desperately is to know how to help him so that he doesn’t act out in anger. Of course, if I am within earshot, I try me best using diversion tactics (and now I think I will add something equivalent to a “peace bell”) , but sometimes I would only be alerted to what had happened when the cries of the younger ones reached my ears. Any suggestions will be much appreciated. I get angry because I feel that at 9, he should already know what we’ve been teaching him from day dot that it is not right to hit, I get angry that he is not setting the right example for his younger brothers, and I get angry because the younger ones were hurt.
Boy, Michelle do I know what you are saying. I have twin 9 year olds and they have always seemed older. Looking back, they were really easy kids growing up, not the usual toddler behavior, quiet, shy. My other two are much more “active” if you know what I mean. Anyway, I expect alot more out of them and get really angry when they act their age or younger. A friend of mine gave me an idea, she took a jar and filled it with water and then added a bunch of glitter. When someone is angry or frustrated, they are supposed to shake it and watch the glitter fall. They should calm down by the time the glitter is at the bottom. Now, I will tell you that we tried it and my 6 year old refused to use it, so it sits on our kitchen counter. But, my friend uses it and it works great for her almost 7 year old. The other thing we do is if my boys fight, they do sit ups or push ups. This usually calms them down and it is not a spanking out of anger. I just read about another great idea when you trace the kids on paper and cut it out. Every time you hurt your sibling you go up to the traced siblings paper cut out and tear a piece off. Kind of like you are tearing them apart. Might help for our 9 year olds. Would love to hear if anyone else has any ideas.
Michelle, I like Darcy’s ideas and I don’t know that I have too much to add. One thought is if one of my kids is having issues, I’ll try to keep them close to me so I can hear and intervene immediately if there’s a problem. I tell them, “You just need to sit near Mom a while.” It seems to click that when they can act better they earn the priviledge of being out of earshot. I do notice too that when I am more peaceful and calm in how I answer that it helps everyone calm down; when I respond in anger the anger in the home grows. But I get what you’re saying about being mad because they should know all this by now! Oh, one other thing I did is tape up a piece of paper to the inside of the bathroom cabinet of each of my kids at their cutest toddler stages. I try to make myself go into the bathroom (because the door locks! ) when I’m getting angry and pray and look at those sweet baby faces. I have verses on that sheet too that I force myself to repeat and pray. Something about seeing their babyness and remembering they are doing the best they can and my job is to shepherd them gently helps.
I love this! I have a two year old and a one year old, but my temper has been very short lately because I am extremely sick pregnant with number three and I find myself taking everything so personally.
I have been blessed with a built in check when I get angry because my two year old will tell me, “you scared me” or “you yelled at me” and I’m always glad she does because it gives me a chance to apologize and talk about how we could both make different choices. I love the reminder that standing firm up front is so much better than losing it to resentment later; I’m filing that one away!
My kids do that too Kaylie, they get these big eyes like they are getting scared and that’s my clue that I need to back away and stop talking! It’s so hard when you’re not feeling good though!
Thank you SO much for this article. I have so many times when I just feel like a horrible, horrible mom because I just get so overwhelmed that I just snap at everyone. I always apologize and let my daughter know mommy’s just frustrated but I still want to make sure she doesn’t end up thinking that being an angry person is a good or normal thing. Thankfully my husband is wonderful and can normally tell when I’m getting close to my limit so he takes her out to the store or just gives me some alone time to decompress which really helps.
Thank you Sara. What a good example you are setting by apologizing! Sounds like a wonderful, wonderful mom to me. 🙂
Hi,
I have an almost 4 year old boy and a 12 month old boy. My 4 year old wants constant attention. I give him as much as I can but somedays I’m so tired after being up all might with baby my patience runs thin. He likes to goof around, try to climb on me, and is often resistant to certain things. Staying calm can seem impossible. I am very creative and redirect him a lot but sometimes it doesn’t work. That is when I lose it. Any suggestions?
Hi Melissa,
Your son sounds like my oldest. I think back to how I would be nursing his sister and he’d be climbing all over my back! I should have set better limits, but I didn’t. I’m interested to see what others say, but my first thought is to get that book “Bringing Up Bebe,” about French parenting. I found many of the principles in there to be sort of like how Americans used to parent 50 years ago, before everything got so permissive and child-centered. For example, when you are rested, you could work with your son on
1) waiting – like for mom’s time and attention, at first 1 minute, then lengthen. He needs to learn how to not be the center of attention (my son acts goofy a lot as a way to get attention)
2) sitting still and being quiet at the right times – this is an important skill for life, for consideration of others, and for you. At four, he’s probably quite capable of learning how to do this. Again, I’d work with him when you are rested and have a plan of having him sit still for 1 minute, then lengthen to 10.
3) learning to accept “no.” Again, do this when you have an hour to kill, at home so you can’t be embarrassed. For example, you pick the cup. If you pick blue and he demands red, you can tell him sweetly, “No. Mommy picked blue. When you are ready to be thankful, you can have your milk in the blue cup. Just let me know when you’re ready to be thankful.” If he throws a fit, don’t give in! Just repeat that when he’s ready to be thankful he can have it. Again, it might be an hour the first time, but you are teaching him this valuable lesson –that he won’t always get what he wants. That REALLY cuts down on tantrums/being resistant.
Obviously, this is just my opinion of what I’d do, so take it all with a grain of salt and with prayer.
I think that French book would be very helpful to you, especially the parts on parental authority, waiting, and structure.
Because I agree, when our kids aren’t listening, are wild, climbing on us, and not obeying, it’s natural to get mad. Maybe when you start to feel that madness creeping in, ask yourself, “Is my child obeying right now?” and if the answer is “no” then you can correct him and feel absolutely right in doing so. That beginning anger can be a red flag that they need to be corrected, but if you can start working on some thing proactively before you’re in a crisis situation or out in public, it’s easier to train him in some new habits. Does that make sense?
Perfectly sums up many things I’ve been thinking lately – thanks!!
You’re welcome. 🙂
These is great advice for learning and practicing paying attention to one SELF enough to stop the train in its tracks. My #1 strategy for practice is to ALWAYS apologize when I blow up, yell, grab someone, etc. This is also a great way to set an example of how to apologize for kids — I say what I’m sorry for, acknowledge how it affected them, and state what I’d like to do better in the future or how I wish I’d handled the situation instead. It’s powerful.
That’s so good Becky. You’re absolutely right.
This was an excellent and practical post! This is the exact thing God is working out in me during this season of life! I have an almost 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old. I am so often disappointed in myself when I get angry. I loved the idea of looking for triggers and then learning how to handle those triggers. Right now, I am realizing that I need to discipline more consistently which is harder in the present moment, but so worth in the long run. Thank you for posting this! (oh and I live in Tulsa, OK, too!)
Yay for Tulsa! 🙂 I’m glad it was helpful Katie. 🙂
Thank you. This was wonderful and much needed. Last year I, too, realized that I was getting too angry with our kids. I yelled at my daughter and she began to cry. She looked up, absolutely heart broken and said, “Mommy, why do you have to yell at me? I’m only a little kid.” Even typing this, I feel like I’ve been hit in the gut. My five year old said exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve worked at living more mindfully and trying to avoid creating situations that I know will trigger anger.
By the way, I apologized to her and told her she was right. Mommy should not have yelled and my heart was incredibly sad that I had hurt her. Guilt can crush a spirit so I pray that God will help me to be a godly mother and remind myself that my kids learn from my good choices AND my mistakes. I certainly give them plenty of fodder in the latter category.
Isn’t that the worst when we break their little hearts? But sounds like God is working in you and you are teaching her the right things through failures as well as successes. She will learn from your humility.
Two great resources for dealing with anger that have really helped our family: Hal Runkel’s “Screamfree Parenting” and “Celebrate Calm” cds by Kirk Martin.
Awesome. Thanks for sharing those!
Thank you so much for this article! It was amazing and while it hurt to read it (because I am aware of how often I fail in this area), it was also tremendously encouraging. Thank you for the helpful tips!
I know the feeling. I too struggle with an anger management problem. I’ve lost it so many times and done damage to my children’s tender spirits. My regrets could fill a novel. I read Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmell and it’s done wonders at putting this issue in the proper perspective. If I have been shown much grace by God for MY problems, how sad is it that I can withhold grace from the children he’s gifted me? I still get it wrong at times, but I’ve noticed a marked increase in Grace being shown in our home. Especially as I’ve taken the time to apologize to my children for my sins against them and to ask their forgiveness. I love seeing their joy when I’ve done it right–by God’s grace! 🙂
Praise the Lord! I’ve heard good things about that book but haven’t read it yet. Thanks for sharing your testimony of grace.
Just wanted to say that this post was a blessing to me. Many of the reasons listed are those that move me toward anger as well, esp the wheedling and begging. I cave to often and have my own problems with being assertive with my own needs and limits, but I am working hard to get better because I want both to be kind to my kids and also to set an example of good boundaries for them. I want them to see me caring for my own needs in a healthy and respectful way. I printed this out to reread. Thanks much!
Thank you, this was wonderful. I am very aware of how big an issue my anger is. My kids don’t cry when I get angry, they get angry too! We’re all angry! This is my biggest prayer need. Your article has some helpful ideas I plan to put into practice. Thank you!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I needed to read this and it’s incredibly true.
The part that really hit home, “It’s much better to say “no” or “wait” on the front end with gentleness, than to let my children talk me into something and explode in anger later.”
Yasssss. The best homeschooling article I’ve read in years.