Homeschool & live happily ever after (or not)
Jamie Martin, editor of Simple Homeschool, also blogs about motherhood at Steady Mom
“My crown is called content, a crown that seldom kings enjoy.”
~William Shakespeare
I cried. At least once a day. For years.
No, I wasn’t suffering from depression. Nor did I have a chronic eye watering condition.
I was homeschooling.
Five years ago, Steve and I made the “official” decision to homeschool. It was scary, of course–a move into a completely unknown world.
But our hearts, souls, minds and spirits pointed in this direction so we stepped out.
Would you rather listen to this post?
The educational philosophy that resonated with us most, Leadership Education, advocated delayed academics in the early years–letting children learn through play and allowing their own internal motivation to direct their education. We would “inspire, not require” instead of following a rigid program.
“Our kids are so lucky,” I thought more than once. (And still do.)
Not having to spend our days entrenched in an impersonal institution, we would all be so happy with our growing freedoms together.
Except we weren’t.
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Now that I think back, the struggles make perfect sense. I lacked a solid understanding of child development, and I had a five-, four-, and three-year-old. I had no family in the area to pitch in when needed and a husband who often traveled for work.
I didn’t have battles over academics, true. And that’s good–because I just wouldn’t have been able to handle any more battles.
I spent all day every day teaching my little ones about character and kindness, settling sibling squabbles to infinity and beyond, emptying my introverted mama cup only to desperately look for ways to fill it again before the next wave of exhaustion hit.
Photo by Gisela Francisco
“I can make it until bedtime. Just until bedtime,” I would coach myself, when thoughts of the next decade pressed in upon my tired mind.
We did all this each day and then–like goldfish in a bowl–we’d wake up and do it again the next, without a lot of fruit to display for our efforts.
Each day a step of faith.
Not that these were miserable years, mind you. They were just….hard. I blogged throughout them, honoring the struggle and counting blessings at the same time.
I learned a ton about looking for the good, changing my mindset, taking responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and moment-by-moment decisions in the process.
And in the midst of the hard, I also questioned myself deeply. If I was really on the right path would it feel this difficult, I wondered?
So I researched and visited schools, looked at the options, cried some more.
And each time my heart led me right back home again. Into the hard. Right where I was meant to be.
Photo by Wapster
It turns out I wasn’t doing anything wrong; I was living the life we had chosen. The life we deeply wanted. The best life God had for us.
Out of my comfort zone in a major way, but with deep faith, an incredible husband, and a firm conviction of the rightness of what we were doing for our family, we persevered one day at a time.
“If only we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.”
~ Edith Wharton
I share this today because some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re wondering where you’ve gone wrong–while your son isn’t reading or your daughter still throws tantrums. You’re questioning if you could really be a good parent and feel the way you do. The parent guilt weighs heavy.
Here’s the truth: Homeschooling is hard and sometimes it will feel hard. This could mean it’s time to make a change, but not necessarily. It could mean that you’re right where you–and your kids–need to be. It’s supposed to be hard.
Five years later, I’m now homeschooling an eight-, nine-, and ten-year-old. We still have plenty of challenges, being imperfect people walking this life journey together, mind you. But in the past two years we’ve turned a corner.
All those seeds of kindness and compassion I spent years watering have started to bud and flower. My incredible children have started to fall in love with learning, and that is a joy to watch. I have more time these days to fill my own well, too, with writing and reading and study.
It’s true, these days I am happier. But I never would have gotten here if I hadn’t been there.
Each step, each day, each moment–entirely worthy of the struggle.
I’ve learned that happiness rarely comes when you seek it. Instead it brushes against your shoulder when you’ve stopped looking. When you’ve started to value doing what’s right over your own personal satisfaction.
When you can live in the moment without analyzing it to death and find joy in your children whether or not they’re “performing” according to your standards or anyone else’s.
My happier ever after began long ago, though I couldn’t see it at the time.
And looking back, I’m so, so grateful that I didn’t give up.
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If you enjoyed this post, check out Jamie’s new book, Introverted Mom: Your Guide to More Calm, Less Guilt, and Quiet Joy.
“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”
~ Nathaniel Hawthorne
I love these brutally honest homeschooling posts because they help me to see that I’m not deficient- just human. Too many people try to paint such a rosy picture of their homeschool, leaving out all of the bad stuff, but that’s not what encourages. It’s posts from the heart like this, so thank you.
Shelly — I agree with you! More people need to write posts with REAL images of homeschooling. It isn’t always easy.
YES! I feel like you opened my head and pulled out my thoughts. 🙂 Homeschooling is DIFFICULT, but I think when we get past our previous notions of “happiness”, things do get easier and better. And let’s face it – anything worth doing brings sacrifice, right?
Thanks for this – glad I stopped to read Simple Homeschool today!
Thank you for being truthful. Homeschooling is hard, and it is work. After 18 years of homeschooling, I am being more truthful with myself and others. Sometimes you do just have to slog through a rough patch, but other times it is a signal to shift gears and make a change. That is the point I am at, and it is hard on my homeschool mama pride to admit that.
Yes . . . we are 11 years into homeschooling, and only now am I beginning to throw off my doubts and fears and move confidently through my days. I’ve been happy all along, just so uncertain. It was hard. It still is hard. Harder than it is possible to describe. But it is also slowly filling me with a peace, joy, and sense of wonder that are equally difficult to describe.
xo
Thanks for sharing, Jamie. Mine are still little (2.5 and 6mos.), but as my friends begin packing up their children for preschool I often question our own decision to not. Especially on the days when I’m in the throes of the chaos of having small children, I wonder if I’m cut out to be their central influence and primary teacher. After consideration, prayer and more research (and often encouragement from people like you) I always come back to a resolute “yes.”
Ahhh, Jamie,
you spoke exactly what I needed to hear today in order to keep the home fires burning. Thank you, thank you, thank you. for being who you are…exactly. and sharing that with the rest of us. I will keep this blog post near and dear to my heart.
much love and light back ‘atcha, sister!
Thank you for the encouraging words, Jai!
I so appreciate you and what you share in this blog. This is my first year homeschooling and I know in my heart it’s the right thing for us, but when it’s hard ( which it is a lot) I doubt myself and our decision. When I read your blog though, I feel encouraged. Thank you for your honesty.
Lovely post today–so encouraging.
Sarah M
This post is so honest and inspiring. As someone just starting out on our homeschooling journey I often wonder if I can do it. I know it’s what we are meant to do, but I relate to what you say about wondering where I’ve gone wrong when the kids do or don’t do things. I figure there would be these issues, if not more, if they went to school though. Anyway, I’m glad I’m not the only one crying most days! Thank you!
This is the perfect post……I so needed to hear this Jamie. Thank you!!
This is what’s missing in so many books and articles, the wider view you so honestly share. It’s easy to fret about the moment, to extrapolate the worst from a current problem, to doubt ourselves—when all the while it has to do with seeds we’re planting. Thank you for this. Sharing!
That’s so encouraging to hear, Laura. Thank you!!
Thank you. So very, very, very much. Truly, thank you.
You’re doing a great job, Kristi. Your kids are blessed to have you.
Thank you for your honesty. So needed to read this post today! Days are hard, we will struggle, but there is joy in the journey!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It seems one of your posts always speaks to my heart whenever I questions my sanity. My children and 2 and almost 5, and we are praying about having another. Every day is hard, I cry a lot and my husband is convinced that I must be depressed or maybe homeschooling isn’t the right path for ME, rather than the children. I’m an introvert mama who feels like I can’t ever truly recharge. I spend most of my days breaking up fights and cleaning up spilled food. Snack time is my nemesis and it comes multiple times a day. (By this I mean the begging for food as though they are starving every 2 hours during all the daylight hours). I wonder how we will ever accomplish any “real” learning. My kids love to be read to one on one but if both are involved it degenerates into a fight. I tell myself maybe it will be easier when they are older and then when I’m really down I question my fitness as a parent in general, let alone a homeschooling parent. Thank you for helping me realize that it doesn’t all have to look a certain way or be easy to be right.
“my husband is convinced that I must be depressed or maybe homeschooling isn’t the right path for ME, rather than the children”
Bethany, I’m glad you mentioned this. I can remember Steve and I having the same conversations a few times. Thankful for those hubbies looking out for us as mamas, AND supporting us as we seek to persevere as well!
Thanks for this post! Please know that your encouragement and insight has helped my perspective and you’re doing a great work in changing lives for the better. I really admire your candid words. Most people do paint a rosy picture of their homeschooling lives, and I find myself doing it too…I think in part to deter those that might poo-poo my endeavors to teach my children at home. I don’t want anyone else trying to discourage me, I do that enough myself! LOL But I am resolved and blessed by our choice to homeschool, and we are seeing the fruits of our labor 🙂 It is kinda like gardening. Lots of sweat, tears, dirt, and grit to invest for the harvest and beauty that we know will come. Thanks again!
Gardening a beautiful analogy, Sarah, and there’s nothing like when it’s finally harvest time!
I feel so grateful to have found someone like you who is further down the path than I, looking back over your shoulder and calling “It’s going to be okay!”
Yep, we all need that. I have mentors further down the line now that I still call on when the moments of panic arise!
I love the words “eptying my introverted mama cup”. I often have problems with my kids lying with me at night in bed. I finally figured out, THEY aren’t INTROVERTED. I can’t stand all that touching…LOL. I don’t let it bother me now, just step back mentally and observe. And when I can’t take it anymore, send them to their own beds. Or tell them I need time – I love them – but I just can’t right now.
With ones 6, 4, and 2, I am constantly reminding myself that we are planting and watering seeds right now. Very occasionally we’ll see a tiny sprout poke through and give us just enough encouragement to keep nurturing, watering, and tending. Thank you for your words. I’ve no doubt our children may question our methods, beliefs, and theories (and I welcome the questions!), but they’ll never question our love and devotion. 🙂
Jamie, you are my favourite homeschool blogger, your quiet honest words are like a balm to my fears and doubts. And you have got me started on my own Leadership Education journey. I thank you.
Could you tell us what “inspire not require” looks like in your homeschooling day?
Thank you so much, Bronwyn. I wrote about inspire, not require here: http://simplehomeschl.wpengine.com/inspire-not-require/ Hope that helps!
I’m feeling this so much today. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. It encourages me to keep pressing forward.
Thank you so much for this wonderful post . I just read it and felt as if a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. Answered prayer! Thank you!!
Really enjoyed this post today, I feel the exact same way. Thank you.
I love this post! We had been homeschooling in FL (because the schools suck and the homeschooling community in my area rocked!) but just recently and extremely quickly moved to Northern CA (DH got his dream job). My husband suggested we send our older girl to a Waldorf charter school two blocks away. I immediately fell in love with the school environment on a campus tour but reluctantly agreed to send her there (she is 8 and placed in second grade) . I still feel in my heart that we should be homeschooling…..maybe in the future…..my DH feels it would be easier on me if we send them to school…. In some ways, sure! In most other ways……not so sure. This last move was incredibly tough (three moves in the last two and a half years and not military, just insanity…) We moved away from ALL friends and family, into an “unknown wilderness”. It has been alright so far but quite the struggle. I miss my daughter while she is at school and so does her five yr old sister.
One day at a time…..
Bless you, Eva – that sounds like a lot of transition for all of you! It sounds like you are a beautifully in-tune mama, so just keep your feelers out for any signals your daughter may give of stress or it not being the right fit for her. It could be that it’s the perfect choice! Either way, you’ll know. xo
Thanks for this post, Jamie! I am a homeschooling mom in the Philippines and most days I felt the same. Now into our 5th year and we are starting to see some ‘fruits’ in our children’s lives. Looking back, I am glad we sticked it out. Glory be to the Lord who sustained us!