Jamie Martin, editor of Simple Homeschool, also blogs about motherhood at Steady Mom
“My crown is called content, a crown that seldom kings enjoy.”
~William Shakespeare
I cried. At least once a day. For years.
No, I wasn’t suffering from depression. Nor did I have a chronic eye watering condition.
I was homeschooling.
Five years ago, Steve and I made the “official” decision to homeschool. It was scary, of course–a move into a completely unknown world.
But our hearts, souls, minds and spirits pointed in this direction so we stepped out.
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The educational philosophy that resonated with us most, Leadership Education, advocated delayed academics in the early years–letting children learn through play and allowing their own internal motivation to direct their education. We would “inspire, not require” instead of following a rigid program.
“Our kids are so lucky,” I thought more than once. (And still do.)
Not having to spend our days entrenched in an impersonal institution, we would all be so happy with our growing freedoms together.
Except we weren’t.
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Now that I think back, the struggles make perfect sense. I lacked a solid understanding of child development, and I had a five-, four-, and three-year-old. I had no family in the area to pitch in when needed and a husband who often traveled for work.
I didn’t have battles over academics, true. And that’s good–because I just wouldn’t have been able to handle any more battles.
I spent all day every day teaching my little ones about character and kindness, settling sibling squabbles to infinity and beyond, emptying my introverted mama cup only to desperately look for ways to fill it again before the next wave of exhaustion hit.
Photo by Gisela Francisco
“I can make it until bedtime. Just until bedtime,” I would coach myself, when thoughts of the next decade pressed in upon my tired mind.
We did all this each day and then–like goldfish in a bowl–we’d wake up and do it again the next, without a lot of fruit to display for our efforts.
Each day a step of faith.
Not that these were miserable years, mind you. They were just….hard. I blogged throughout them, honoring the struggle and counting blessings at the same time.
I learned a ton about looking for the good, changing my mindset, taking responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and moment-by-moment decisions in the process.
And in the midst of the hard, I also questioned myself deeply. If I was really on the right path would it feel this difficult, I wondered?
So I researched and visited schools, looked at the options, cried some more.
And each time my heart led me right back home again. Into the hard. Right where I was meant to be.
Photo by Wapster
It turns out I wasn’t doing anything wrong; I was living the life we had chosen. The life we deeply wanted. The best life God had for us.
Out of my comfort zone in a major way, but with deep faith, an incredible husband, and a firm conviction of the rightness of what we were doing for our family, we persevered one day at a time.
“If only we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.”
~ Edith Wharton
I share this today because some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re wondering where you’ve gone wrong–while your son isn’t reading or your daughter still throws tantrums. You’re questioning if you could really be a good parent and feel the way you do. The parent guilt weighs heavy.
Here’s the truth: Homeschooling is hard and sometimes it will feel hard. This could mean it’s time to make a change, but not necessarily. It could mean that you’re right where you–and your kids–need to be. It’s supposed to be hard.
Five years later, I’m now homeschooling an eight-, nine-, and ten-year-old. We still have plenty of challenges, being imperfect people walking this life journey together, mind you. But in the past two years we’ve turned a corner.
All those seeds of kindness and compassion I spent years watering have started to bud and flower. My incredible children have started to fall in love with learning, and that is a joy to watch. I have more time these days to fill my own well, too, with writing and reading and study.
It’s true, these days I am happier. But I never would have gotten here if I hadn’t been there.
Each step, each day, each moment–entirely worthy of the struggle.
I’ve learned that happiness rarely comes when you seek it. Instead it brushes against your shoulder when you’ve stopped looking. When you’ve started to value doing what’s right over your own personal satisfaction.
When you can live in the moment without analyzing it to death and find joy in your children whether or not they’re “performing” according to your standards or anyone else’s.
My happier ever after began long ago, though I couldn’t see it at the time.
And looking back, I’m so, so grateful that I didn’t give up.
*********
If you enjoyed this post, check out Jamie’s new book, Introverted Mom: Your Guide to More Calm, Less Guilt, and Quiet Joy.
“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”
~ Nathaniel Hawthorne
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I am so thankful I read this. I haven’t even begun homeschooling “officially” yet (I begin this fall kindergarten) but the three girls I am raising sometimes is more than I think I can handle without adding schooling into the mix! Days are long and hard but I hear the years pass quickly. Want to instill a love of learning in my girls.
THANK YOU!
Melanie’s latest blog entry: http://www.lovingyourbeautifulmess.blogspot.com
I was coming downstairs to cry tonight…..and FELL down on my knees unintentionally….on a hard concrete floor. I was already a mess because of LIFE no going the way I wanted it to. I laid on the floor and cried for a while. A little for myself, a little out of anger and little out of total overwhelm and frustration. Then I got up and eventually made it over to my computer and sat staring at it for a while. I decided to look up simple mom (I have no idea why because I don’t come here!!!) and your post was waiting for me.
I needed to hear this tonight as I am on the verge of quitting everything I have started and feel like I can’t do anything right. Thank you for your timing and thank you for your honest thoughts…..I made me feel not so alone and that the sun will once again come up tomorrow morning and I can start over. c.
This brings tears to my eyes, C! I’ve been there many times. Blessings to you and yours – you care so much and that’s evidence of what a good mama you are, the perfect one for your littles.
Oh Jamie. This is like a whisper of life into my weary homeschooling heart! I think sometimes we play up and “sell” the benefits of homeschooling so much that we feel a little cheated when it isn’t all sunshine and daisies. Your words are a real encouragement to press on. Thank you.
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Thank you so much for this I really needed it today. We just moved 2200 miles away from my family and support system in my first year of homeschooling my 6, 3, and 2 yr old. I have spent the last couple weeks crying and wondering if I can handle this task on my own as well. It is hard. I feel like most days all I do is moderate sibling rivalries and clean up mess after mess. I rarely actually get around to ” schooling” with my eldest daughter. I too have thought of other school options but every time I do I feel this horrible dread like in the long run I would be sacrificing my kids’ happiness for my own quiet sanity. I know my choice to homeschool is what is right, I feel it in my gut and in my soul. But right now it is so very very hard.
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Thank you for this! It’s hard to feel sure about ones method of parenting when you have little ones. It often isn’t obvious you’re doing “the right thing” although the ideas feel so right. The everyday practice of it is so often fruitless. The noise of others ideas, different from your own, can drown out your once clear parenting philosophies. I appreciate reading these stories from those who have been there and made it through to see the outcome of their patience and time spent in character building. Thank you.
I have writing with my eyes wet and my heart touched. My son is five and far behind his younger cousins in acedemics. I belong to a society which has a new creed of parents obsessed with their children’s education. And in such society where a child go to school at age of 2.5, my five year son started it at the age of 4. He had a delayed speech problem which is natural and as my doctor says every child learns at his own pace. But when you see younger children moving fast ,the feeling of left behind is agonizing. In this senerio you can understand your kind words and truthful narration would have effected me to what extent. Even Thank you is Not enough to show what I am feeling.
Right on time! Thank you so much for this post. We are having a bit of a hard time lately with my older daughter coping the behavior of her younger siblings. I wanted to pull my hair more times in the last couple of weeks then ever before. I started thinking maybe we are doing the wrong thing…. Maybe she should be in pre school with kids her age, but, like you said, when I think of the options I am led back home time and again. This post landed in my mail box right on time, and since I know that I will feel this way again sometime in the future I will book mark it so I have a place to go when hard times hit. Thanks a bunch!!!!
I really, really, really, needed this today. Thank you.
SO grateful for honest, warm, real reads on the homeschooling experience.
Seriously needed.
Thank you for sharing!!
Many blessings,
Kate 🙂
Kate’s latest post: Change
This was a great post and a good reminder to me that while homeschooling is about the education of my children, it’s also a large piece of inner work for me. In overcoming my fears, doubts and my perfectionism, in allowing my children not to fit the mold of how I think they should be and that my and my husband’s character-building efforts for our 9 and 6 year olds will and do bear fruit.
Jamie, I always appreciate your posts but this one really hit home!
I can echo many of the comments. I have been on this home education path for 9 years with my three kiddos, one being on the spectrum….and I am tired right now. It is so easy to think it is some kind of faliure to need a break or to struggle. I find this seasoon has been long. Many of those I started out with have put their kids in school and I find myself on my own in away I haven’t really expierenced. Thanks for the encouragement I find here. It really is a life saver.
I love Jamie’s honesty and all the info I learn from this blog. I know that homeschooling can be fraught with difficulty..and at the same time, does it have to be to the cry every day degree (not to discount your emotions, by any means)? I wonder if Jamie had this blog (ha ha) or other resources would that have helped, or is it just a trial by fire undertaking? I know Jamie mentions not knowing child development and a local support structure. Is there anything, Jamie, that you feel looking back, could have made the journey smoother?
My children are 6, 4, and 7 months, and I often wonder if everything I’m doing is right or wrong? Especially wondering if my kids will turn out to be criminals or something on some days lol. This is normal right? Did you feel like that sometimes when your kids just bickered constantly and wouldn’t listen? I just want to know that there is hope and I’m not totally screwing it up, but their behavior is normal. I gain a lot of insight from your blog, as I am an introverted, homeschooling mama with very little time to herself too.
Yep, totally normal!
Thks for your encouraging blog! Like a breath of fresh air! It’s good that is normal for it to be hard and that it will get better!
Thank you for post, it is very encouraging:)
It’s my second year home educating my kids and I also have days like these when I can’t help but cry. But when I sit back and reflect on my journey, I realise what a positive impact home educating my children have made. It’s articles like these that motivate and inspire us moms to keep on, keeping on!
Another raw, honest post. Thanks for keeping it real.
Thank you! We are coming to the end of our first year homeschooling, and I have found myself coming to your site so often for insight and encouragement. We kind of floundered through the year with great intentions and then settled into whatever we could manage with a six year-old with mosaic Down syndrome, a four-year old, and almost-two-year old. 🙂 Not nearly as organized and structured as I imagined, but more learning has happened in this little homeschool year than I could have imagined with a daily dose of seatwork and lots of legos, outside time, dirt, shovels, paints, rocks, string, glue, and crayons! Thank you for your posts, for sharing your heart, and for encouraging mine. 🙂
Your posts are always so encouraging. Thank you.
How can I learn more about this type of homeschooling and where it is acceptable?
I would check out tjed.org, Ashley. Hope that helps!
Thank you.
Thank you so much for being so transparent. I am the momma of a 5, 6 & 7 year old boys who are all about to get older (birthdays coming eek!). We have always home schooled. But, we have always been pretty home bound as well. We moved out of CT in 2009 and have been pretty isolated ever since. I am a text book example of an introvert and highly sensitive person. I find my days to be overwhelming and I, too, pray for bedtime. It’s comforting to know that I am living is not only my battle but many mothers across the world. <3
I cried every night also….mostly because I thought I was doing something wrong. my daughter could have cared less about learning anything academic. She loved art, painting, crafts and could sit and listen to me read to her for hours and hours, but if I asked her to read the even the most simple book she would flip out. Finally I found out about Vision Therapy and we had her tested….6 months later she was a new kid. She had never learned to use her eyes together so saw everything as blurry and double. All those nights spent crying were worth it. She never went to school where she would have been labeled with probably 10 – 15 different “problems”. Our mommy guts never fail us. I am so glad I stuck it out and kept homeschooling her. We are entering our 4th year of homeschooling and I would not even CONSIDER putting them in school. Yes, there are hard days and I wish for a break sometimes, but overall I am grateful to be with my girls all the time. Before I know it they will be off on their own, so I am enjoying this time while it is mine to have.
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So wonderful to read this! I am in the difficult years you mentioned here – with a 6, 5 and 2 year old so I can relate so well to what you must have been going through. It’s encouraging to read about the light at the end of the tunnel!
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I just ran across this article on Facebook. I am a school teacher going on 10 years now, and I am here to share that I think you and your readers are on the right path. We are going to be homeschooling our 3, 8 and 11 year old this year. I have seen a change in our public education system in the short years I have been teaching. About a week or so before I came across your article I posted “Why the NEA doesn’t like Homeschooling” and I wrote about it on my site. It’s definitely worth looking over. If one is getting that much flack from that organization then we must be doing something write. I want to encourage all here and all that might find these comments to hang in there and keep up that good fight of faith! I’ll pray for you all for strength, wisdom and guidance, and I ask for the same as we start our journey.
Grace and Peace to you,
S
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Thanks so much for your honesty, Jamie. It is so encouraging. I am contemplating how I need to change my responses when I get frustrated. We are starting our second year of homeschooling this fall and I realize I need to structure our days to minimize the frustrations. Thanks for all the food for thought.