Homeschooling with Depression ~
Written by Shawna Wingert of Not the Former Things
As I woke, I felt a familiar dread spread throughout my body. I had barely opened my eyes, but already felt anxious and sad about what the day would bring. I wanted to turn over, pull the covers over my head, and just go back to sleep.
I wish I could say that my boys don’t have a mom that sometimes struggles just to get out of bed, and face the day.
I wish I could say that our homeschooling hasn’t suffered on days like this.
I wish I could say that once I get up and have a cup of coffee, it all seems better.
But I can’t.
What I can say is that I am a mom of two boys. We homeschool. And I have struggled with depression.
This is not something we really talk about, as moms or as homeschoolers. Both motherhood and homeschooling require us to be on our game, capable, responsible, productive.
And depression makes me feel anything but.
The hardest part of my homeschool year has been fighting the feelings of despair and loneliness that accompany depression (at least for me), and still participating as my children live life and learn.
It snuck up on me this time. My son was diagnosed with a serious auto-immune disease mid-year. The whirl of doctors, new medicines, and therapies quickly threw our homeschooling routine into a tailspin. But that wasn’t the only problem.
Every single day felt like a struggle to just make it through. And yes, while some obvious circumstances were difficult, the reality of how depressed I really was didn’t hit me for weeks. My nine-year-old figured out before I did.
“You are not funny anymore, Momma. You used to laugh a lot,” my youngest son said as I dragged through our reading lesson.
I looked at his sweet face, and knew he was right. I have been depressed in the past. Really depressed. Clinically depressed.
How did I not realize it was happening again?
As my eyes welled with tears, I forced a smiled and said, “You’re right. I have been really sad lately. Thank you for being patient with your momma while I work through all of this. I want to laugh more too. What should we do to have some fun right now?”
He beamed, and then dragged me out to the trampoline.
I literally had to force myself to jump, when every fiber of my being said, “I am too tired to jump. I can’t do it. What does it matter anyway? I am not going to feel any better.”
It wasn’t much, but getting onto that trampoline with my sweet boy was a start.
It’s now a few months later, and I am feeling much more like myself. We laugh together more. I no longer crawl through my days, with the cloudy confusion and dead weight that depression brings. Things have settled down a bit. We are all healing.
As I reflect back, there are some very specific things that helped me. If you find yourself struggling to climb out of the dark pit that is depression, it is my hope that maybe these will help you too.
Name it
Admitting that I was depressed was difficult. And yet once I did, I started to feel better. Not because the depression physically lifted, but because I was more willing to give myself grace.
If things were not going well, and I felt like I couldn’t handle making another meal, or working through another book report, I would acknowledge it.
Saying, “I am struggling with depression right now. Of course this feels hard,” instead of “What kind of mom lets her children watch this many You Tube videos…eat this much sugar…not do math for three days…etc.” helped lift some of the defeat that was feeding my despair.
Naming it also helped me begin to figure out ways to help alleviate some of the pressure and anxiety I was feeling.
I started to try and go for a walk every day, no matter how short. I began making sure I was eating regularly (one of the first things to go when I am depressed, and then the lack of food and low blood sugar just makes me more depressed).
I began taking a fish oil supplement recommended by a friend. Naming it allowed me to begin to fight the depression.
Just do the next thing
Some days, this meant forcing myself to get some exercise and fresh air. Others, it meant taking a short nap while the kids were busy playing.
Every day, it meant reminding myself to just do the next thing.
Not thinking about anything beyond the next thing I needed to do to get through the day, helped to eliminate my anxiety about all the things.
Instead of playing out all the bad things that could happen in the future, if the depression didn’t lift, I just put on an audio book and reminded myself that it was enough for right now.
It helped.
For a while, I even started writing down everyday items on my To Do List – basic things, like ‘Make Breakfast’, ‘Give my Son his Medicines’, and ‘Read One Chapter in our Read Aloud.’
Checking them off felt like I was at least accomplishing something, and helped me feel encouraged to keep going and try to do something not on the list.
Slowly but surely, I started to feel encouraged, like life was doable again.
Photo by Darron Birgenheier
You aren’t the only one, and it’s OK to ask for help
There is so much shame wrapped up in depression.
The nature of it makes me feel isolated, lonely, and somehow less than every other homeschooling mom I know.
Add to that, the fact that this is not something we often discuss as a culture, or as group of moms hanging out at the park while our kids play, and it can seem like no one else has ever homeschooled their children and actually had depression. And that is simply not true.
I am writing this because once I started sharing my own struggles, I learned more moms than I ever would’ve suspected have struggled with the same thing. More than that, I learned that we all feel like total failures when it comes to homeschooling with depression.
This does no one any good. Not me, not you, and not our children.
There is no shame in asking for help. It is brave.
It takes a ton of courage, and a momma’s heart committed to doing what is best for her children. It might mean asking friends to pray with you. It might mean seeking counseling. It might mean a trip to your doctor and a prescription. It might mean any combination of all of these.
Getting help cuts through the shame and feelings of being stuck. It gives you options and a plan. And it helps eliminate the feelings of just being so cut off from the rest of the functional world. Your children deserve that. So do you.
One of the reasons we homeschool is because we believe there is value in our boys learning about everyday life. Unfortunate as it may be, depression has been a part of our everyday life.
Who knows, maybe one day my son will better care for himself or his wife, because he witnessed my struggles this year.
I am encouraged by that thought, and this one: Homeschooling with depression is still homeschooling.
It might look different for a period of time, but there is so much to be learned about loving one another, picking up the slack, and working together to help a family member.
These lessons, more than any other in our academic curriculum, will last a lifetime.
Have you ever experienced homeschooling with depression, too? What helped? What would you share with other parents dealing with depression?
This post is part of our Hardest Part of my Homeschool Year series.
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I have been struggling with depression for about 9 years now. I’m on an antidepressant but the last two months have been horrible. I also have endometriosis and it has gotten worse in the last two months also…which is probably where the depression is coming from. I believe the hormonal changes are just wreaking havoc. Every day I have that overwhelming, hopeless feeling and I don’t want to get out of bed. I look at the chores and schoolwork that need to be done and I just want to run away and hide. I really appreciate you writing this…we need to know we’re not alone. I’m feeling better just from reading this. Thank you!!!
I have found that removing all sources of gluten has eliminated all pain from endometriosis as well as a whole host of other things, and after about 6 months gluten-free has also eliminated my major clinical depression slash rapid cycling bipolar slash pmdd. If i have even a speck it comes back with a vengeance. I had gone off to improve fasting glucose levels, and didnt expect such a transformation. Its worth a shot. Just be prepared for detox symptoms the first few weeks.
Thank you for your posting. I am a homeschool mom with depression and high anxiety and OCD. I worried excessively for my children’s chronic health issues…. I am praying for you and your family. Barb
I know this was written a while ago, but it gave me some much needed encouragement. I struggle with seasonal depression, and I know every year from January until the sun peeks out in March, I’m going to struggle. I struggle with motivation, focus, exhaustion, self-doubt, and impatience during three months of the year. Every year. Last week, I was so down, we didn’t do school. One day I barely got off the couch, and my sweet 6 year old son told my husband at dinner, “Mama just sat all day. She didn’t get dressed or anything.” He loves the Disney movie “Inside Out,” and with a knowing look in his eyes, my sweet husband said “Sadness was running headquarters for mama today. But it’s not always like that.” He immediately lit up and said “Ooooh! Sadness took over headquarters! I get it! Haha!” It touched my heart that he put it in a way my son could understand, and in doing so also gave me permission to sometimes have days like that and then just try again tomorrow.
…this… I really needed. thank-you, so much…
Thanks so much for sharing Shawna. As someone who goes up and down into depression periodically (and I feel like i’m going down again unfortunately) this was a timely read. I also believe that my children are more caring and empathic because of it-sometimes I ask them for help, and they are always so happy to give it. Right now my 12 year old daughter has appointed herself my yoga boot-camp instructor…………….my children are wonderful and they’ll always be what stops me sliding too far down.
Thanks again.
Kelly’s latest post: Travelling and Homeschooling in Australia-teach your own on the road
I know this post is old but it really helped me. You’re not the only one
Hi, Shawna. I am clinically depressed, homeschool, and mom to three. I’ve been dealing with my depression for about 12 years. I’ve been on a slew of different meds….some working others not so much. I switched doctors in 2016 and had been doing much better. A month ago I would of said I even felt human again….but the last two weeks I felt that feeling creeping on. We had a family situation and then one thing after the other! Haven’t schooled a real school day in two weeks. Even as I type this I just want to go back to bed. I think the most upsetting part is that I thought I wouldn’t go through this again. It’s so debilitating and I find myself questioning everything! I googled depression and homeschooling and pulled this up. I dont know how to pull out of it! I usually pull out within a few days but it’s lingering. I feel lost, defeated, and here I am with more time lost to school time. I feel for any parent that has to battle this dreaded illness! But I keep faithful that the Lord will carry me through this episode and the next one too. Blessings 🙂
First year HS and getting very unmotivated. Not from the teaching, that is online, but being home together all day. It’s draining me, partly because of my parenting style and his personality.
I always find being alone is the most peaceful state for me. As a single mother it seldom happens during the day. Being alone I’m more motivated to do things like cook, clean, create, work, but with my child around all day, I feel I can’t get stuck into anything, without being interrupted from my mental flow. Being interrupted just kills it for me. So I do things at night, but it’s not as satisfying. It is probably just my boundary setting isn’t clear enough to not disturb me and let my child know I like to get on with things and to know it’s not the time to ‘chat’.
Have you found anything to help with this? I’m similar to you so I’ve been struggling a lot this year. My daughter is 5 so she needs me to teach her, and that’s fine, but I feel like I need alone time that I’m never getting. It’s so hard. I still think homeschooling is the right choice for us, but the guilt is really getting me down. I also feel guilty because I only have one child and sometimes feel like I shouldn’t homeschool her because she doesn’t have siblings to hang out with or commiserate with when Mom is depressed that day. Ugh.
Hi J! I’d recommend you look into the philosophy Leadership Education. It could really help relieve some of your guilt since your daughter is still so young: http://simplehomeschl.wpengine.com/core-phase/ Saying a prayer for you now…
This post might help as well: http://simplehomeschl.wpengine.com/homeschool-hack/
Thank you so much! I’m going to try a play chart. Our home is small so I’m frequently telling her, “You play in the back while Momma is in the front” or vice versa, but it makes me feel awful! I don’t want her to think I never want to be around her. But if I gave her a little more structure and even divided up the front and back a little bit more, I think she’d see it as something exciting and fun and not just me needing quiet time away from her. ????
Thank you for sharing, it’s very kind.
Makes me feel more kind and patient toward myself.
Thanks for sharing. I am relieved that I am not the only one. I am a homeschooling mom living in the US and trying to figure out this whole homeschooling thing with depression. Originally I am from another country and still can’t assimilate here. After 7,5 years. Also I am not working and depending on my husband financially. He works all the time, and I am almost constantly with the girls. This all sums up to me feeling low most of the days. I am trying to cope with my condition. Sure I thought that maybe not sending my oldest to school was a mistake and I was a failure as homeschooling mom. But reading your post and all the comments really cheered me up. Thank you!
God bless you, Katerina! Thinking of you and sending a prayer your way…
Just wanted to say I have been strugglying with major depressive disorder for most of my life. I didn’t realize anyone else that homeschools had problems like me. Thanks
God bless you and yours, Teresa. You are not alone!
your whole story was a great help to my essay about homeschooling with depressed
I happened on this today and it hit a nerve. I can relate to this a lot. Our family has had our share of heartache and trauma that we are still trying to climb out of. I myself have Lyme and our adopted Grandson has Pandas so this adds to the struggles when flaring. Just cleaning house, cooking meals, laundry and basic family care can be a struggle at times. Homeschooling has turned to unschooling and “following the spark” when the mood and body health allows. I started with lots of gumption and excitement on our HS journey and sometimes we are on a good rhythm, then challenges of life weigh us down again. The original intention was low to no media, but T.V. has been our standby escape and comfort so we had to let go of the guilt and find a way for it to benefit us spiritually and emotionally. So we downsized it & got rid of our cable vision, and we try to only watch family values shows and movies to inspire our hearts and souls for better living on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Pureflix and movies we get at library or old VHS movies at garage sales and estate sales. So quality is priority. We even watch shows like 7th Heaven and then write about what each child’s life lesson was on the episode and talk about it. We figure character building is the most important lesson to focus on right now. We also play a lot of games and do art projects and field trips. I read somewhere how families that have been through trauma need some incubator time to heal and feel safe again. I still wonder if its enough and doubt myself at times, but then I think about the progress we have made emotionally and that helps bring me back to its all gonna be ok. Depression is real and talking about it is important. Its nice to know we are not as alone as we feel sometimes. Peaceful, Healing prayers for us all.