Written by Kari Patterson
I still can barely believe it somedays. When I walk in Dutch’s room and see him crowded over a history assignment, all on his own initiative. Or when he announces, “Mom! I got my whole week’s worth of science work done in one day, again!” or when I hear him tell his sister, “I’ll meet you down at the pond as soon as I finish my history test.”
Who is this?
I feel like I’m watching the metamorphosis of child to man, tinkerer to scholar.
I find myself chuckling, “This is exactly what they said would happen!”
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At almost 13 (7th grade, by age) our son is officially in the transition-to-scholar phase, as described in the Phases of Learning. No matter what one’s educational philosophy (I feel like I’ve dabbled in them all!), I found the phases so helpful for understanding our children developmentally.
In May of 2017 I was at my wit’s end; I felt like I had become the mom I never wanted to be.
It’s bizarre looking back, it feels like a lifetime ago. We made drastic changes to recover our lost love of learning. We took an entire year to experiment with different books and learning methods. We cut out extra-curriculars and slowed way down.
Most of all, we committed to cultivating character above academics, devoting ourselves to personal discipline in our daily habits instead of educational achievements, and sought to value virtue (kindness, patience, grace) above all.
It was last year, when they started asking for more school, that I thought, “Hmm…maybe this is working!”
So this year, knowing he might be transitioning into scholar phase soon, we asked Dutch if he wanted to begin taking supplementary classes, in the subjects of his choice, in order to challenge himself more. He was all for it.
After much prayer, research, talking to trusted friends, and over-thinking (ha!), we settled on a once-a-week day of classes available for homeschool teens (7th-12th grades).
I honestly had no idea what to expect. Dutch had never been in a classroom setting. He’s quirky. (Did I mention he has Asperger’s?) And this is a drop-off program.
No mama there to make sure he minds his manners or swoop in and save him if no one sits with him at lunch.
Well, he LOVES it. Like, LOVES it. What’s most shocking to me is that I have never, not a single time, reminded him about his homework. He does it! All! On his own!
I’m not the one driving this thing anymore. And it reminds me of what they always said,
“Trust the process.”
Your values and the individual needs of your own children will likely determine your course. Ours goes something like this:
- Teach them from the youngest age to treat you, others, and the world around them with kindness and respect.
- Cultivate their wonder and love of learning.
- Read, read, read, and read some more.
- Require cheerful obedience.
- Teach them to contribute through chores, as part of the family team.
- Save screens for special occasions.
- Focus first and foremost on my own habits, discipline, and attitude.
- Surround them with educational excellence, literary classics, and peers whose parents will reinforce the values you are seeking to instill.
Of course this isn’t a prescription for you, just a description of the process we’re seeking to follow.
But it’s often so hard to trust the process!
It’s hard in those early years, when it feels like everyone else has Little Junior in 18 extra-curricular activities, or when every other four-year-old is going to the Ivy-League prep preschool while yours is making mud pies and picking his nose, or when your nine-year-old still isn’t reading well and you feel that panic rising inside.
I find the same is true in other areas of life. Right now I’m having to patiently trust another process that is incredibly painful. Everything in me wants a short-cut, some way to make this situation just go away. But as a believer in Jesus, I have to trust that He began a good work in me and He will carry it all the way to completion.
I’m a work in progress, to be sure, and it doesn’t always look pretty, but I have to trust the process.
I still have to remind Dutch about some stuff (Are you wearing deodorant?!), but I just wanted to share this little tidbit of encouragement, in case you too are along the journey and wondering, “Is this really going to work?”
Stay the course, dear one! Thoughtfully consider your path, then trust that it will take your children exactly where they need to go.
What “process” have you had to trust? Where have you seen it pay off? What have you learned?
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I need to hear that everything will be okay. I have 9 year old twins, 4 year old, and a 2 year old. School is so hard. One of my 9 year olds has to be told over and over to do his work, and his siblings are a major distraction. I end up sitting next to him for him to get it done, but the littles need attention too. He ends up getting mad and I question myself most days.
I’m so glad this was encouraging, Rose. That is most certainly a difficult dynamic with the bigs and littles. Praying for you today, for creative solutions, encouragement, and joy. Bless you, sister!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Wins that look like losses
This is so encouraging. I have recently been realizing that character development is where we need to focus more – both for my kids and for me! I have that nine year old who still isn’t reading well… and it is incredibly hard to trust the process when it feels like his current struggles are such a limiting force for everything, from school or Bible study to writing a grocery list or reading a recipe. It’s encouraging to hear a mama farther down the road say “it works out”!
Oh good, I’m so glad it’s encouraging. We have had some difficult days, to be sure! I have a dear friend whose 9 1/2 year old son JUST got the hang of reading, it’s like something finally clicked. It’s so hard in the meantime, praying for encouragement for you today, and that it WILL click for that dear kiddo of yours!
Kari Patterson’s latest post: Wins that look like losses
Thank you for this! We are very early in the process–trying not to get unsettled and push too hard. I love hearing from parents further along. It is so encouraging and gives me so much hope!
I tried that very process, and it failed. My oldest daughter never transitioned to scholar phase in spite of every beautiful effort we made in core and love-of-learning phases. In spite of every prayer, every waiting period, every effort to balance independence and protection.
She’s incredibly lost right now as a young adult. Incredibly lost–academically, emotionally, spiritually, socially.
That’s why it’s hard to trust the process.
It doesn’t always work.
Anne’s latest post: A Week, Briefly (10/14/19)
Anne, something that doesn’t get spoken often is that some kids are just hard. Frustratingly, soul-searingly, heart-breakingly hard. In spite of our best efforts, they don’t choose they way we would hope. I have the highest respect for parents who embrace these challenges, embrace these children, and never give up on them. Nobody can know the prayers and tears that go into loving and raising such a child; but I do feel assured that you are not alone in your struggle. I don’t know if you’re a spiritual person, but I do believe that ultimately, the Universe is a kind place, and our righteous intentions do not go unrewarded. The jury is still out on your daughter. And often, as I share a moment with parents of a difficult child, the question comes up: Would an environment of compulsion and emotional strain have improved the outcome? or is it possible that the relationship, the challenge, might have been worse if the parent had been more concerned with the rigors of grade levels and conformity than personalizing to the needs of the child? I pray that your story, your daughter’s story, has an ending that brings you joy. Please know that you are not (or should not be) judged harshly by those who have an easier path. Blessings to you! {{{{HUGS}}}}
Anne, I have been praying for you since I first read your comment yesterday, and I wanted to respond before I did any other work today. I know in my own mothering life, with both my typical-developing and special needs kiddos, I long for any kind of guarantee that I am doing it “right” or that they will turn out “right.” Yet I know inside that nothing, no homeschooling philosophy or manmade system can ever be my or our Savior. There are no such guarantees in life.
When I compare my children’s current progress to what it might like in the “system” of if I had chosen a different philosophy, it’s a lose-lose situation, a fantasy. I am imagining some kind of ideal scenario where they would have loving teachers, friendly classmates, supportive help, everything going perfectly. But the reality of the system or any family is that ideal rarely, if ever, exists. It’s possible that my children might be further along in certain areas, true, and yet they could still be incredibly lost in many others as well.
What helps me is to remember all that my children HAVE had by being in our loving environment at home and where they might be without it. In my case, one of my sons would literally be dead, my daughter likely in an unhealthy exploitive environment, and my other son would likely have sought to find approval through people pleasing. I know that as a mother who cares so much, and in spite of being imperfect and human, you could also point to small, healthy seeds that you have planted by all you have invested in your precious girl, and God is not done with either of you yet.
It can be so hard to have children who are not on the typical, society-expected timeline, but that happens plenty of times within the system as well. It helps me to remember that it’s very Western to expect children to leave home at or by a certain age, and that in many, many cultures family members live together for as long as necessary. I will pray that today God sends you a visible reminder of the good work He is doing in your family and your daughter, and how much He loves you and yours. He sees your heart and is so proud of all you give each day. With much love, Jamie xo
Kari, this is wonderful. So neat to see how slowing down seemed to give them the space in their days to really decide what they were interested in (referring to a couple of your linked posts). It’s also neat to see how that played out for them individually – really fascinating how clearly defined their ideas were. Starting a book club and critiquing a biology text – wow.
Anne, the pain of having a young adult who is incredibly lost – academically, emotionally, spiritually, socially – is so, so strong. I know. I also know that our children’s process is not over simply because they have now become a young adult. Society pretty much suggests that it is, but people’s personal development in all of those areas just does not follow that same path, especially when we account for emotional and neurological differences. I have found that really “being with” my kids as teens and young adults has been surprisingly as important as it was when they were younger. I didn’t see that coming! Not always or necessarily physically “with,” but just really present with who they are as they figure things out, even if who they are isn’t what I expected or clear to me. You have clearly invested a lot in your children so I’m sure you already know this – just reaffirming it. Your daughter’s process isn’t over yet:).
I don’t know if this resonates with you in any way but in case it does, during a very muddy stretch, I prayed Psalm 51:10 repeatedly during terrifying times, inserting one of my children’s names. Slowly, in ways I didn’t always notice in the moments and, of course, not exactly as I’d pictured, that prayer has turned to praise for those very things:). Give yourself the space to rest in Him. Take good care.