3 ways to help your kids handle criticism

3 ways to help your kids handle criticism ~
Written by Kari Patterson

“I need to be able to offer you constructive criticism without you getting upset about it.”

She looked at me coldly. I blinked back tears. It was the worst possible moment for her sweeping criticism. I was tired, had spent the whole day serving others (doing work she wasn’t doing!) and now I was being sat down and told I’d done it wrong. That my motives were wrong! Oy vey!

And then when I was hurt by the criticism I was criticized for being hurt by the criticism! I also had the sinking suspicion her heart toward me was not entirely one of love. She seemed to enjoy putting me in my place.

Do you hear my defensiveness, even in the way I retell the story?

I can remember those feelings, even though it was years ago and I see it entirely differently now. See, despite the fact that I felt misjudged, that the timing was terrible, that her motives were questionable, despite all the things that felt less-than-ideal about the situation, she was right.

I did have a tendency to get emotional when criticized. That is a weakness of mine.  Her words, though they stung, stuck with me. They have caused me to grow, and for that I’m so grateful. 

Years later, I watched as my daughter demonstrated this same tendency. As I corrected her one day I found myself looking down into her tearful face saying,

“I need to be able to offer you constructive criticism without you getting upset about it.”

As homeschooling parents, it’s easy to over-focus on academic achievement, but overlook the most important aspects of education: life skills. I know for me, healthfully handling criticism is one of the areas I have had to work on most as an adult.

And, as I look around, I’d say it’s not just me. A glance at social-media interactions indict us broadly. We’re a mighty defensive bunch. Or sometimes our attitudes as homeschool parents smack of an “I don’t give a rip” arrogance that automatically assumes outsiders’ criticisms are entirely unfounded, or worse–that we’re victims of society’s misconceptions.

Perhaps we are, but the reality is: our children will all face criticism. Some will be well-timed, constructive, and delivered by people who love them. Other criticism will indeed be ill-timed, unfair, and delivered by people with questionable motives.

Either way, they need to learn to respond in healthy ways. Here are a few things that have helped me, and my kids, over the years:

3 ways to help your kids handle criticism

1. Constantly reinforce a growth mindset rather than a performance mindset.

As our children’s teachers, if we only praise right answers, aced tests, and perfect papers we are cultivating a performance mindset. We’re communicating to our kids that being right is all that matters. Anything less is failure.

Instead, what if we constantly reinforced a “growth mindset” where improvement was what mattered. Less about the dot on the chart and more about the trajectory. 

When I live with a performance mindset, criticism crushes me. If I live with a growth mindset, I see criticism as one of the most helpful tools in the world. I can honestly thank my critics because they are helping me grow. 

Even if the messenger’s motive is questionable, even if the criticism is less than fair, I still gain an opportunity to learn valuable skills and consider different points of view.

To the lifelong learner, devoted to growth, everything can be helpful. We homeschool parents have the opportunity every day to cultivate a growth mindset in our children.

2. Practice rote responses.

This might sound silly, but in the heat of an emotional moment, pulling out a calm-and-collected-verbal-response card, so to speak, can gain you valuable time while you wait for your feelings to settle down. One day as I was praying, the phrase came to me, “Thank you for showing me my error, so I can grow.”

Of course I didn’t feel like saying that, and that doesn’t necessarily mean you are agreeing with everything your critic has pointed out, but it takes the pressure off of you trying to pretend you’re perfect and it recognizes that ultimately, this situation will help you grow. That’s a win.

In moments where I’m correcting him, my 12-year-old son has learned to simply say, “You’re right.” (He came up with that on his own!)

His natural temperament is to argue (he loves to argue!) so he knows that in order to overcome that tendency, sometimes it’s wisest for him to simply say, “You’re right” and drop it. I always commend him for this step of maturity and encourage him that that skill will take him far in life!

Other practiced responses might be:

• “Thank you for sharing, let me pray about that.”
• “Thank you for caring enough to tell me that. I’d like to think about it a bit before I respond.”
• “It must have been hard for you to tell me that. I want to process it a bit more, but I really appreciate you sharing.”
• “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

Of course you don’t want to be mechanical or disingenuous, but part of maturity is responding appropriately whether you feel like it or not. Giving our kids practical tools to help them do this will benefit them their entire lives.

3. Palms up.

One of my favorite tricks is shared by Bob Goff in his book Love Does (afflink). As a lawyer, he strictly enforces a rule with his clients. When they’re on the witness stand, they must sit with their hands open, palms up. He explains that in this posture it is virtually impossible to get defensive, flustered, or upset.

Since reading that, seven years ago, I have always practiced that posture anytime I’m in a situation where I’m tempted to be defensive. (I actually do it when receiving praise as well because it helps me remember not to grab the praise or deflect the praise but to humbly receive it then let it go.) It really works!

I have shared this trick with my kids as well and encouraged them to practice it. Giving them opportunities to practice this will give them invaluable experience to carry with them into the real world.

How about you? How do you help your kids handle criticism in healthy ways? How do you teach this skill to your children? 

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