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3 ways to help your kids handle criticism

May 9, 2019 //  by Kari Patterson//  6 Comments

3 ways to help your kids handle criticism ~
Written by Kari Patterson

“I need to be able to offer you constructive criticism without you getting upset about it.”

She looked at me coldly. I blinked back tears. It was the worst possible moment for her sweeping criticism. I was tired, had spent the whole day serving others (doing work she wasn’t doing!) and now I was being sat down and told I’d done it wrong. That my motives were wrong! Oy vey!

And then when I was hurt by the criticism I was criticized for being hurt by the criticism! I also had the sinking suspicion her heart toward me was not entirely one of love. She seemed to enjoy putting me in my place.

Do you hear my defensiveness, even in the way I retell the story?

I can remember those feelings, even though it was years ago and I see it entirely differently now. See, despite the fact that I felt misjudged, that the timing was terrible, that her motives were questionable, despite all the things that felt less-than-ideal about the situation, she was right.

I did have a tendency to get emotional when criticized. That is a weakness of mine.  Her words, though they stung, stuck with me. They have caused me to grow, and for that I’m so grateful. 

Years later, I watched as my daughter demonstrated this same tendency. As I corrected her one day I found myself looking down into her tearful face saying,

“I need to be able to offer you constructive criticism without you getting upset about it.”

As homeschooling parents, it’s easy to over-focus on academic achievement, but overlook the most important aspects of education: life skills. I know for me, healthfully handling criticism is one of the areas I have had to work on most as an adult.

And, as I look around, I’d say it’s not just me. A glance at social-media interactions indict us broadly. We’re a mighty defensive bunch. Or sometimes our attitudes as homeschool parents smack of an “I don’t give a rip” arrogance that automatically assumes outsiders’ criticisms are entirely unfounded, or worse–that we’re victims of society’s misconceptions.

Perhaps we are, but the reality is: our children will all face criticism. Some will be well-timed, constructive, and delivered by people who love them. Other criticism will indeed be ill-timed, unfair, and delivered by people with questionable motives.

Either way, they need to learn to respond in healthy ways. Here are a few things that have helped me, and my kids, over the years:

3 ways to help your kids handle criticism

1. Constantly reinforce a growth mindset rather than a performance mindset.

As our children’s teachers, if we only praise right answers, aced tests, and perfect papers we are cultivating a performance mindset. We’re communicating to our kids that being right is all that matters. Anything less is failure.

Instead, what if we constantly reinforced a “growth mindset” where improvement was what mattered. Less about the dot on the chart and more about the trajectory. 

When I live with a performance mindset, criticism crushes me. If I live with a growth mindset, I see criticism as one of the most helpful tools in the world. I can honestly thank my critics because they are helping me grow. 

Even if the messenger’s motive is questionable, even if the criticism is less than fair, I still gain an opportunity to learn valuable skills and consider different points of view.

To the lifelong learner, devoted to growth, everything can be helpful. We homeschool parents have the opportunity every day to cultivate a growth mindset in our children.

LOTR recipes: Lembas bread!

2. Practice rote responses.

This might sound silly, but in the heat of an emotional moment, pulling out a calm-and-collected-verbal-response card, so to speak, can gain you valuable time while you wait for your feelings to settle down. One day as I was praying, the phrase came to me, “Thank you for showing me my error, so I can grow.”

Of course I didn’t feel like saying that, and that doesn’t necessarily mean you are agreeing with everything your critic has pointed out, but it takes the pressure off of you trying to pretend you’re perfect and it recognizes that ultimately, this situation will help you grow. That’s a win.

Unoffendable by Brant Hansen, one of our favorite reads

In moments where I’m correcting him, my 12-year-old son has learned to simply say, “You’re right.” (He came up with that on his own!)

His natural temperament is to argue (he loves to argue!) so he knows that in order to overcome that tendency, sometimes it’s wisest for him to simply say, “You’re right” and drop it. I always commend him for this step of maturity and encourage him that that skill will take him far in life!

Other practiced responses might be:

  • “Thank you for sharing, let me pray about that.”
  • “Thank you for caring enough to tell me that. I’d like to think about it a bit before I respond.”
  • “It must have been hard for you to tell me that. I want to process it a bit more, but I really appreciate you sharing.”
  • “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

Of course you don’t want to be mechanical or disingenuous, but part of maturity is responding appropriately whether you feel like it or not. Giving our kids practical tools to help them do this will benefit them their entire lives.

3. Palms up.

One of my favorite tricks is shared by Bob Goff in his book Love Does (afflink). As a lawyer, he strictly enforces a rule with his clients. When they’re on the witness stand, they must sit with their hands open, palms up. He explains that in this posture it is virtually impossible to get defensive, flustered, or upset.

Since reading that, seven years ago, I have always practiced that posture anytime I’m in a situation where I’m tempted to be defensive. (I actually do it when receiving praise as well because it helps me remember not to grab the praise or deflect the praise but to humbly receive it then let it go.) It really works!

I have shared this trick with my kids as well and encouraged them to practice it. Giving them opportunities to practice this will give them invaluable experience to carry with them into the real world.

How about you? How do you help your kids handle criticism in healthy ways? How do you teach this skill to your children? 

What’s Your Homeschool Mom Personality? Take Jamie’s quiz now and receive a free personality report to help you organize your homeschool based on what your personality type needs most!

Category: a mom's education

About Kari Patterson

Kari Patterson and her family live out in the woods of the Pacific Northwest. As a 2nd-generation homeschooler she espouses the same philosophy her own mom did in the 80s: Cultivate a love for learning and one's education will never end. She bakes bread, brews kombucha, speaks at conferences & writes at Sacred Mundane. Her new book Sacred Mundane is available now.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Emily

    May 9, 2019 at 8:22 am

    We have this issue in our home. My son gets angry and stomps off to his room when he is corrected. And we have told him we need to be able to offer criticism without him getting emotional. Still working on this. Life skills are so important! I am going to invest in ‘Unoffendable.’ Sounds like a great book. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
  2. N.L.O.

    May 9, 2019 at 8:44 am

    Wow! Talk about getting hit head on, This post has done that. As an adult, I STILL have not learned how to receive criticism well especially when it comes in non-loving ways. Therefore how do I teach my kids?😔 This has been a hard week struggling with this very thing. Thanks for the post.

    Reply
  3. Bonnie D

    May 9, 2019 at 10:37 am

    I often read the Proverbs to my kids when they do not want to be corrected and show them that God says that the wise receive correction , but the foolish hate it.

    Reply
    • Katie

      May 9, 2019 at 7:15 pm

      These are such practical suggestions. Thank you! I want to remember to talk more about these sorts of things during morning time and not in the heat of the moment.

      Reply
  4. Amy

    May 9, 2019 at 12:22 pm

    Great post! Thank you so much! I have been praying about this area. ❤️

    Reply
  5. Jacque

    May 10, 2019 at 2:41 am

    Did you read “Unoffendable” aloud with them or have them read it? Looks like a good one.

    Reply

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