Why we waited more than 10 years for extracurriculars ~
Written by Jamie C. Martin of Simple Homeschool
Once upon a time I begged my parents to let me take dance lessons.
I had learned to play the viola through school since the age of 11, but these would be my first private lessons. I knew the expense would be a big deal for my family, but I loved dancing and wanted to learn more. Eventually they said yes (thanks again, Mom & Dad!) and I had a blast that year learning a little tap, ballet, and jazz each week.
I was 15-years-old.
I can’t help but wonder if we have extracurriculars a little backwards these days, though. In our society, parents seem to beg their kids to take lessons.
They sign them up as five-year-olds for piano, soccer, karate, ballet. They fork over hundreds of dollars.
And often as each month passes by their kids grow to hate piano, soccer, karate and ballet.
I’ll never forget the first time I noticed this approach. At a playgroup, another mom and I were discussing plans for the upcoming summer.
“Will your boys be taking any classes or going to any camps?”
I looked around to make sure she knew which two boys were mine before I answered, “Uh, no. They’re two-years-old.”
She assured me that didn’t matter and we could choose from huge array of activities. But none of them fit our budget, and the whole concept didn’t feel right either. Later that summer, four-year-old Trishna joined our family from India and we entered a new round of survival mode.
And that “not right” feeling about extracurriculars continued for over a decade. Why?
Here are a few of our reasons:
1. We wanted our kids to savor childhood.
This unstructured, free-range period of our kids’ lives will never come again. Our belief in the importance of a solid Core Phase made us feel that structured extracurriculars weren’t essential for our young children.
2. We didn’t have the money.
I can look back now, grateful, that we didn’t have extra income back then. Certain opportunities just weren’t an option, making it easy to say no.
3. I didn’t want to hound my littles to practice or go to lessons.
With three young kids so close in age, we already had enough drama in our days! I didn’t want to add any more by having to force anyone to practice their instrument or activity.
And I didn’t want anything to get in the way of attaching to my two adopted children, still growing in their relationship with us and dealing with developmental delays in many areas.
4. As a highly sensitive/introverted mama, the idea of hauling everyone out to the soccer field or the dance studio multiple times per week did not sound fun.
The payoff for any of us just didn’t seem worth the effort and energy required, especially when it meant having to wait with one or more siblings while their brother or sister participated alone.
5. I want my kids to beg me for lessons, too.
As a mom of interest-led learners, I want them to have that same desperate urge I had to learn and grow beyond their current abilities. I want them to also recognize the expense to the family, so that when we invest in them there will be gratitude and contribution, not entitlement or expectation.
And that’s starting to happen.
My 13-year-old daughter has been learning to play piano through an online program for over a year. Never forced to do lessons, she spends an hour or more each day practicing because she wants to improve.
Recently she’s mentioned how amazing it would be to have a real-life teacher, and I see her face light up when we discuss the idea. That’s my cue, my signal–ah yes, it’s about time.
Does this mean that my kids have been locked away indoors for the past ten+ years? Not exactly.
Here’s what we’ve focused on instead of structured extracurricular activities:
1. In the younger years, we focused on friends and playdates.
Meeting other homeschoolers, playing at the park or someone’s house–this was plenty to keep us busy during their preschool/early elementary years.
And of course plenty of trips to the library, kids’ museums, Trader Joes, you know–life with littles.
2. Mixed-age activities they could attend together.
Instead of skill or age-based teams that would divide them up, we looked for activities they could attend at the same time. This saved me from chauffeuring multiple children in different directions, plus it meant I sometimes had a few hours of precious quiet to myself.
For us this has included a weekly program at a Waldorf school for a year, summer camps here and there, and our current weekly nature/wilderness school.
3. Exposure via homeschool co-ops.
We’re not in a co-op at the moment, but a few years ago we participated in one that provided plenty of exposure to different activities: martial arts, cooking lessons, scouting, and more.
This worked well because all of us were involved at the same time, but I loved that it also allowed the children to try out a few extracurriculars, to see what might interest them and what they might excel at, all in a low-pressure setting.
Am I saying that extracurriculars are never appropriate during the early years?
Hopefully you’ve been reading here long enough to know the answer–no! I’m merely sharing our experience so that if you’ve felt unsettled with our society’s pressure in this area, you’ll know there is another way. You’re the expert on what your family needs most.
Just before Christmas my 12-year-old son Jonathan took part in A Christmas Carol. It required weekend rehearsals many Saturdays and Sundays, weeknight rehearsals nearly every day as opening night drew near, and so much driving back and forth during its multiple performances.
It was exhausting sometimes, but also? So beautiful.
I loved it–because it was the first time we had ever done anything like that as a family. It’s fun watching the kids reach this new level, thinking of all that’s ahead of them to experience this way.
But most of all? I love watching their eyes shine, excited by the possibility of learning something new.
No forced practices required.
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If you enjoyed this post, check out Jamie’s new book, Introverted Mom: Your Guide to More Calm, Less Guilt, and Quiet Joy.
What has been your experience with extracurricular activities in your homeschool?
Originally posted on March 28, 2017.
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I love this! And you’ve definitely got me thinking about different socializing options for a youngster.
Great, Cassie. I’m glad it was helpful!
Yes to all of these! My 6 kids range from 12-4. We have only done family activities and short term commitment ( like 2-3 weekends) classes until now. This year we will begin piano lessons at home and send the oldest to a co-op. So many of our friends run from one activity to the next and I wonder when their kids play. My daughter colored pictures for some nursing home residents and her friends said, ” I wish we had time to color, but we are never home.”
Wow, Sara. So glad that you’ve made a choice that brings your family peace, too!
I love this. I want to join the YMCA instead of my kids being on sports teams, so we can play together and bond. We have been going to the park on nice days. No pressure, no schedule. This just confirms that this is OK, even good.
Blessed to know it’s an encouragement to you, Maureen! I love the idea of doing a YMCA membership together–perfect!
We did a mixture of classes and park days when my child was younger. Around where we live, people socialized around classes. Otherwise, it was hard to meet people. We also met with homeschoolers but had to travel since they didn’t live nearby. I don’t miss the driving! We’ve cut down the driving and are taking local classes at the public library which is low-pressure and great way to meet people. My daughter still begs for classes/private lessons because she enjoys them. I wouldn’t invest in them otherwise. It’s nice for kids to try new things and let them pick few of their favorites.
Yes, Min! Also each family and child is so different–I always want parents to know they shouldn’t feel pressured to copy what my family or any other is doing, but find their own way. And yes, driving can increase when you homeschool, for sure. That is an issue for us as well, as our closest friends live quite a drive away.
Thank you so much! This voices exactly what I’ve been feeling but didn’t have bullet pointed out. In our culture, you feel like you are depriving your kids if you don’t get them ballet, gymnastics, and soccer by the time they are 5. But I just want them to have a slow, simple, loved childhood and that sometimes feels boring or not enough… As I also am a HSP and introvert, staying home a LOT makes having a big family doable for me, and I think my kids will be ok without organized sports or classes (for now). Again, thank you for posting!
Isn’t it such a relief when someone articulates what we’ve had a hunch about but have never fully articulated? Glad it resonates with you, June, and yes: I so believe in boredom!
Oh yes! My kids are in very few extra classes and people around me wonder how they are surviving their childhood! We live in an affluent area of the south and it is the norm to shuffle your children from field to gym every Saturday and multiple times throughout the week. The parents are exhausted, the kids are exhausted, yet it seems as though people take pride in their involvement/exhaustion. My husband and I are so grateful for the slow Saturdays we have as a family and quiet evenings throughout the week. That may change as the kids get older – they are 10, 8 and 4, but for now, we are definitely savoring these childhood days! Thanks for the encouragement! Sometimes being in the minority makes you question your choices.
I know, Amy. I’ve questioned our own on this issue so many times (& sometimes still do!), but in the end just had to follow my gut! Recently my 12-year-old said that his favorite day of the week is Saturday because “there’s nothing going on.” I just loved that!
All awesome reasons. We have mostly done family activities. Dance is the only exception. My youngest came to me at age two and started begging for dance lessons. She went carefully through several dance videos I bought for her. By age 4 it was obvious that this desire for dance wasn’t going to go away. We signed her up and are still at it now that she is a teenager. She has never wavered from this course and spends 12+ hours a week in dance classes. We followed our children’s lead and never push them into anything. I think that has solved the problem of learning to hate certain activities.
Blessings, Dawn
Such a beautiful story, Dawn! I love that you started her with videos–all the resources online are a beautiful way to “test” a child’s interest in an activity first.
I quite agree with your thoughts! I, too, have been careful regarding extracurriculars and being generally “too busy” as a family. When our family was younger, I must admit I got excited about everything available at the school and let our oldest two, our boys, get involved in way too much–and especially in things they weren’t really that interested in: soccer, football, wrestling, basketball.
Then we took our 6-month family sabbatical to remote southern Belize, where we lived off the grid and sent the kids to one of the poorest schools in the country. We thought it was a break from our busy life in the U.S. When we got back home, however, we’d changed. We had learned that life is too short to spend it dancing to someone else’s music.
So now I’m of the opinion that sports and activities–even in excessive amounts–might be fine for other families. For mine, though? Maybe not so much. The kids are still involved, but only when the call they hear to ‘sign up’ is strong and clear and comes from within instead and not from what other people are doing.
Thanks for this post! It’s so good to know there are other moms out there who feel the way I do!
Best, Domini
Love this, Domini!
I also love the idea of letting your kids beg to do something…we’re going to start piano lessons for my oldest next year (he’ll be 10 soon) because he’s been asking for over a year! I also didn’t want to force practice, etc. so I waited and it turns out that a year later, he’s just as excited, so I feel he’s ready.
In BC, we have a great setup, we get funding and can spend that $$ on curriculum, lessons, classes, field trips, etc. so my kids have taken lots of community classes over the last few years including cooking (nah), pottery (loved), swimming lessons (the one thing I force!), ice-skating lessons (they both love), and gymnastics…not at the same time, though! Thankfully all these things are during the day, too, so we’re not fighting traffic, classes are small and with other HSers, and are free to us. It’d be much easier to say ‘no’, if we didn’t have the free money. During constantly rainy months (like, 5 months of rain), we NEED to have those movement activities in place, and I get to ice-skate at the same time, too!
Wonderful, Sarah – that’s a great way to approach this!
I have three little ones (6, almost 5, and 3), and we have tried some activities over the years. I signed my oldest up for dance classes when she was 3, and it was miserable. This past fall we tried soccer for the older two, which was one practice during the week and a game on Saturday, but it still felt like a lot. I often wonder how people with multiple kids do activities, because I find it so difficult to get the kids in and out of the car, and to wait with younger siblings. I am letting my oldest do Irish dancing right now, and online piano (which means no driving/waiting), but I feel so strange in my community that my not-yet-5 year old isn’t playing t-ball and soccer and everything else. It was interesting to read how you’ve handled the issue. Oh- we definitely do swim lessons too, but I look for situations where everyone can take them at the same time.
Yes, Jennifer – we did swim lessons, too. I should have mentioned that, but forgot since it was a seasonal thing we did for safety purposes one summer in a neighbor’s pool. Sounds like you’re listening to your kids, and that makes all the difference!
Thanks for sharing Jamie! I wholeheartedly agree! I want my children to enjoy their childhood and just be kids!!
Yes, Beth!
Love this! My son is 4 and people keep asking why I haven’t signed him up for sports yet. We go rock climbing as a family in our local rock gym. It’s wonderful because we get family time! He’ll try the climbing camp this summer and from there we will decide whether to do the after school climbing program which is only once a week! We also do AWANA. I once overheard a parent with an 18 month old talk to a parent with a 5 month old telling her she had to sign up her baby for all these activities. The mom with the 5mo old looked overwhelmed. There is true pressure in my area to sign up kids for things even at the infant stage. I’m just glad we’ve done things slowly with my son especially since he’s had a speech delay (and thankfully now almost caught up after 1.5 years of speech therapy). As much as I loved playing soccer as a kid for 18 years, I am not ready to become a full on soccer mom yet.
That societal pressure can be so intense, can’t it, Tessa?!
I feel the same. I have a story that confirms this for me. When Mr (now 14) was 4 1/2, yes thats right just 4 1/2 !! We enrolled him in soccer ( we also enrolled him in school at 5 but thats another story) I thought thats what you did you see (lol) because almost every boy and girl plays soccer where I am from, they then go on to Netball or Rugby when they get older. He played a season and never complained, never made a fuss, but also was never concerned if a game was rained off and that should have been a clue. After 2 yrs of playing soccer, and being told he was one of the best players on the field, we let ourselves get caught up in what was in it for us as parents *sigh* Pride at being the team to beat ( I mean this was 5-6 yr olds for goodness sake !!), socialising with the other parents, the excitement and feeling of belonging. I am sad to say it was for us in the end, not my lovely boy. When he got to around 8yrs we removed him from school and therefore he was not around to sign up for soccer again. Now he’s 14, and he has never asked to join a sports team again, he actively resists the idea. He LOVES playing sports as a family, he is fiercely competitive ( in the way Teen boys can be) and is one of those annoyingly capable sports people who just seems to be able to get good with little effort *sigh*, unlike his Mum who rarely if ever makes contact with the ball lol. He has no desire however to join in a sports team. I think sometimes he would like to be part of one, but I am thinking that deep memory or being chauffeured around to sports as a young boy, not really wanting to be there but going through he motions has left a bit of a bitter taste in his mouth he can’t get past. I still know many of the kids who were on that same team, most have grown into lovely young men, but I still see that same pride in their parents, spouting the kids sporting prowess while the kids sit by looking annoyed and bored. Most have moved from sport to sport as parents try to find the one that said kids will finally get excited to play, all the time these parents are telling me how much they love it. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise that school was a horrible experience for my oldest because we didn’t just change our schooling options by bringing the kids home, we changed our whole lives and attitudes.
Wow, Melanie. I love this story. Thank you for sharing! Homeschooling really changes everything, doesn’t it?!
Thank you! I am going to save this to remind myself in the future for every time I hear what all the neighborhood kids are involved in, and then not feel guilty that I’m not forcing my kids to play or attend anything.
Perfect, Katie! We all need some guilt-free go-tos in our lives!!
I loved this article, I thought I was one of the only mom’s who didn’t understand the need for the extracurricular’s but has definitely felt pressure to involve my kids in things and constantly question if they would like to do things. We have tried things throughout the years and nothing has stuck so I gave up. I look forward to the day when my kids are begging me to really learn something!
Agreed! It’s odd actually how competitive many parents seem to be…someone else mentioned the parent pride factor and that’s very common I’d say!?! My eldest is nearly six and has been participating in a junior karate class right down the road from us for a little over a year. She has continued to enjoy going and loves the coach, who himself is the eldest of seven and completely homeschooled. My daughter has been invited to try out the next level up (ages 6-12) next week. She’s very excited and seems genuinely proud to have made it this far.
I do get a lot of sideways glances when other parents overhear me saying that not only do we homeschool (gasp!) but we haven’t signed our kids up for tball, soccer, basketball, or preparation-for-the-world-camp yet! Seriously…just let them play! So glad I’m not alone in the desire to protect childhood!!!
We did start in with the activities when my kids were pretty young; encouraging them to try new things but soon realized we were killing ourselves and taking away from our family time just to see IF they liked something. We slowly stopped asking them and I am still waiting for them to ask– my boys just aren’t interested in a lot of extra curricular activities and I am finding that we just love having all of our nights and weekends to ourselves.
I love this! Thank you for helping me feel less alone. I have always known our decision to be the right one for us BUT I have felt a lone in my decision when asked what activities our children are part of. I see the neighbours going back and forth from house to car and car to house mulitple times per week, I hear of families needing two cars so they can go in different directions each with a different child who has simultaneous activities, I have heard a neighbour calling for their child to GET IN THE CAR NOW FOR DANCE! and heard the child respond “but I just want to play! I don’t want to go to dance!” and I have always felt that I didn’t want those scenarios for my own children. Instead I wanted to do things with other families and things as a family- activities that can be shared and with little or no age segregation. Its hard to do at times- especially when its hard to find people available since they are “busy” and doing the activity route…but we’ve managed so far and its going well overall to do things this way. I am thankful we have chosen this route. I have always said I am not totally against activities but it has to be the right one and the right situation…and that has never happened. We haven’t had anyone really interested in doing anything yet either. I would consider it at that point for sure. Anyways thank you for putting this all into words for me.
Thanks for sharing your experience! We actually tried piano lessons for my 8yo, at her request, but she got bored with it and never wanted to practice–and I didn’t want to be constantly nagging her. This was pretty much what we expected to happen, so we let it go and told her if she wants to try when she’s older, that’s fine. I was forced to learn piano as a kid and hated it, so I always swore I wouldn’t do that to my kids. Right now our family is in a Waldorf co-op tgat meets every other week, and we do lots of field trips that both kids can enjoy, and my daughter is in a Girl Scout troop that I ended up leading. That’s plenty. Formal lessons, it turns out, just aren’t a good fit right now.
Thank you for the thought provoking post!
My son is almost 5 and is, and will continue to be, an only child. I am feeling pressure, I think partly from myself, partly from extended family and probably just society in general to get him into activities such as sports, music, etc. However I am not convinced he will actually like them. I tried a Musica Lingua class with him last summer and he hated it! I feel that he needs a bit more socialization as he does not have any friends that he sees on a regular basis. Perhaps a CoOp, is a good solution? We are considering a Collaborative next fall that might be the ticket. I am worried he might be a bit lonely. 🙁
Yes, yes, yes! While #4 was the driving factor for me, I just felt it wasn’t necessary to do hosts of activities as small children. When my two oldest were able to both old enough for scouts, they started (and it was a great activity to do with my husband). We’ve gone a few random things through the years but I’ve been happy to stick with my gut, and I think they are closer for learning and playing together.
I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.
Just sending some homeschooling (TJEDers) love to you and yours.
Interesting take! I don’t disagree, but I found your story about begging for dance classes intriguing compared to my own experience. When I was about 10 years old I went to a friend’s dance recital. I wished I could dance too, but lacked the confidence to try. I didn’t have any natural ability and felt like I was too old to start lessons. Here I am in my 30’s still wishing I could dance! So I signed my daughter up when she was 3 years old. She’s nearly 5 now and loves her dance classes. There is no forcing her to go. On the other hand my son played soccer in the fall and seemed to enjoy it, but wasn’t interested in playing again in the spring so we didn’t push him. Great post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
This is so encouraging to me. Your blog has been the best find ever! ???? Thank you!
Ah, and here I start TBall tomorrow. This has given me thoughts about not pursuing piano any further for my kids who do not want to do it. I want my kids to play an instrument so badly, probably because I wish that I could. Well, maybe I need to work at playing that banjo that hangs on the wall waiting for me… maybe then, with the example, my kids will want to play. Revolutionary idea! Wow, this is challenging food for thought. I love the idea of kids really yearning for lessons. I also hear about some not having the confidence, so maybe needing a push to try. It is a delicate balance for each kid and family. I must further investigate this Thomas Jefferson education.