Homeschooling an Angry Child ~
Written by Jamie C. Martin of Simple Homeschool, with the permission of my angry child,
who “hopes this story will help others”
A note from Jamie: Find an update to this post, written five years later, here!
The whining starts before breakfast. It rapidly escalates to full-blown screaming, and we never know how long it will last.
Maybe ten minutes, twenty, or thirty. Maybe one hour.
On our worst days, maybe two.
When it’s over, the heartfelt remorse finally kicks in:
“Sorry, Mommy.”
Would you rather listen to this post?
Then it’s damage control and recovery time:
How many things have been thrown and need to be cleaned up? Is anything broken? Our nervous systems now shot (especially my highly sensitive one), we may or may not continue with our learning rhythm for the day. It depends on whether or not we can pick up the pieces–literally and emotionally.
“Hi, my name is Jamie, and I am homeschooling an angry child.”
I didn’t realize it for the longest time. I thought that we were just dealing with typical developmental stages that would eventually work themselves out.
We figured we probably had one of those strong-willed children on our hands, and with firm, loving, consistent discipline (like all the books recommend) the situation would resolve itself.
You’ve heard, of course, about the “terrible twos.” But what about the terrible threes, fours, fives, sixes, sevens, eights, and nines? By this point it became glaringly obvious that we were no longer dealing with the norm.
Photo by David M. Goehring
After years of this, I was one tired, sad mama. A mama convinced that I must be seriously screwing something up. A mama with a popular homeschooling blog who was just about ready to throw in the homeschooling towel.
A mama feeling ridiculously angry herself.
My journey with my child is far from over, far from being wrapped up with a beautiful, “we’re fine” bow. But there are a few things I’ve learned over the years, a few things I wish someone had told me earlier.
Homeschooling an angry child – A few suggestions:
Photo by Samuel Sharpe
1. Tell someone; don’t hide it.
For the longest time, I didn’t open up about what we were going through. Because most of my child’s anger is directed toward me, I felt like it was my problem, my fault. So I kept it inside or tried to make light of it.
THIS WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE. Please, if you have an angry child at home, tell someone! Make it a dear friend, of course, but you need support.
One of my turning points was when, in the middle of one of my child’s tantrums, I wrote this to a handful of trusted friends:
“Right now my child has been screaming for over an hour and I am so sad. I need you guys to know, just because I don’t want to feel like it’s this dark secret I’m keeping, and also because I need someone to tell me that it’s not all my fault, I guess. I know I can trust you and I would really value your prayers.”
Typing those words was a relief, and so were the kind, caring responses that came back afterwards.
2. Try stuff.
Anger can arise due to a host of reasons: physical causes, spiritual causes, emotional causes. In some cases all of the above.
This means there’s plenty to investigate and try to see if something helps: curing your child with food, cutting out sugar, counseling, neurofeedback, exercise, time in nature, medication, and/or new discipline techniques.
If you’re dealing with anger on a daily/weekly basis, you have nothing to lose by taking steps toward solutions that might improve the situation.
3. But know that it might not work.
We’ve tried a lot of stuff over the years, but none of it has been the magic cure-all that we hoped to stumble upon.
And that’s why we’ve learned to celebrate victory in baby steps.
In our case, it’s been the slow growth of maturity in our child’s life that has started producing a bit of self-control in their heart.
We cling to and celebrate each good day, each peaceful hour.
Photo by Mark Dixon
4. Make sure you’re standing firm when it really matters.
One of the most helpful things I realized from this popular book by Dr. Ross Greene is that I was making my life harder by fighting battles that weren’t critically important.
I now try to ask myself: “Is this issue going to matter in ten years’ time?” If the answer is yes, I follow through; if it’s no, I backtrack and try to give some leeway. This allows my child to retain a sense of control and independence, which helps.
5. Identify your own anger.
I never thought of myself as an angry person before I began raising this child. My how things change.
Acknowledging my own anger, and the ways I handle it badly at times, has definitely been a part of my own growth through this process. I have been on my knees again and again, weeping and pleading with God to change my heart.
Sometimes my child is right there beside me, doing the same thing.
6. Tie in a reward for yourself.
This may sound cooky, but I promise it makes a difference. On days when my child has had an outburst, I get to watch an episode of Little House on the Prairie.
Crazy, right? But it changes (to a small degree) the way I view and respond to my child’s anger. Usually after a tantrum we need a bit of recovery time, so a show (which the kids can join me for) ushers in calm before we start again.
What would help restore your equilibrium after a child’s explosion? A walk, a bike ride, a story? Just don’t make it a food reward or you’re creating a new issue to deal with!
7. Consider your options.
This past year I reached what felt like my breaking point when it came to homeschooling our angry child. As painful as it was, Steve and I started to consider other options.
For us, public school is out. This child would absolutely not work well in that environment. We might solve one problem by enrolling, but we would create a whole host of others.
Then we looked at private schools, but the cost is prohibitive. Having a child in school full-time would also alter the mornings and afternoons for all of us, which isn’t a trade-off we’re willing to make.
But now I think we’ve stumbled upon a solution–a drop off program for homeschoolers two days a week. I’m hopeful that this break in our week will help us all feel as though we can breathe a little.
It’s more than legitimate to consider your schooling options when dealing with an angry child. You need help and can’t do it alone, so brainstorm what your choices are in this life season.
Imagine what the ideal solution would look like if you could design one, then pray into it and ask God to provide what He knows you need most.
Photo by Vinoth Chandar
Mamas and papas of angry children,
I wish I could wave a magic wand over you today. But I can’t. I can’t make grand promises, can’t tell you how long this will last, can’t offer you ten steps to make it all better.
I can tell you this, though: Your pain has a purpose. It’s a testimony, showing what real faithfulness and devotion looks like in this all too fickle and unstable world of ours.
Your job is not to “fix” your child. Your job is to love. To see with eyes of faith beyond this moment to what one day could be. To believe: Today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes.
As long as your brokenness leads you back to the One who makes all things new, you and your child are in good hands.
Hands that can be trusted–both now and in whatever tomorrow brings.
In this together,
Jamie
* Read more homeschooling inspiration from Jamie here.
Are you also homeschooling an angry child? What would be your most helpful suggestion for others in the same situation?
This post is part of our Hardest Part of my Homeschool Year series.
What’s Your Homeschool Mom Personality? Take Jamie’s quiz now and receive a free personality report to help you organize your homeschool based on what your personality type needs most!
7 tips for teaching active kids
Thank you! I really needed this today. We are going to a counsellor for the first time today. My son says: have fun getting me there. Already an issue today. Sigh…..
Will keep working but I’m so tired….he thinks its everyone else but him. He never causes anything.
I think I am in a similar situation, my boy gets very angry, he is a musician, but he will bang his instruments or say very mean things when he is angry. My ex partner, who is all the help I have, will say that’s all my fault because this is the way I taught him to deal by being dramatic myself, I feel terrible and I see no other option now than to drop any interest or activity I have to give him my full atention, I feel resentful about that idea because I just recently started studying again. I’m desperate and crying most weeks.
My family does not live near, but they are all strongly against homeschooling.
Nahuatl, I have been there with my daughter! I just want to encourage you. First of all, it’s not your fault!! Something is going on with your son. My daughter became this screaming, difficult, ANGRY child at the age of 3. One thing that did help us was to remove gluten from her diet, and we could at least live with her. But that was us. I’m not sure why, but it bothered her immensely. We also did about a year of counseling with a behavior modification therapist. She is 8 now, and we have the high-functioning autism along with a few other diagnoses, but when we do have anger she isn’t throwing things or hurting me anymore. (And yes, it’s usually directed at their caregiver/mother, because that’s who feels “safest”.) She can say she’s mad, call me a jerk, stomp off to her room. Hang in there!! As for homeschooling, no one in our families approved either but we don’t live by any of them and didn’t care anyway 🙂 If you think that would work best for him, you do what your Mama Heart is telling you to do. Good luck!!!!
Thank you for taking time to answer. I moved to a different country than my family in order to do things my way. I have celiac disease si we hardly ever eat anything with gluten, but I’ll try to cut him off completely. I also think that I need to cut screen time and dedicate more to him. Thank you.
One thing that my husband and I try to focus on is that in as much as our angry child causes us anguish, she causes it in herself even more. She sobs afterwards in remorse. We have realized that as parents, it’s our duty to equip her and give her the tools to deal with her own difficult personality above all else. And that she is worthy and wanted and loved!!
Thank you for this post, so many mom’s will benefit from this. My son was an angry child, you know the type with the head spin, eyes roll back in head kind. Ok, he didn’t really spin his head, but he did roll his eyes back, his face would get beet red, almost purple, he would salivate, growl, kick and swing at anybody, didn’t matter who or what age. Only way to get through the temper flare up was to lie him on the floor, pin him down, full body, until it passed. It made it worse for a moment, but I knew he wasn’t able to hurt anyone else or himself that way. Even then, at 6 years old, he had so much anger strength that he could almost buck me off, I was amazed at his strength. When he was done, his eyes would roll back to normal, face come back to his beautiful fleshy color and he would cry, he was so sorry. I felt so sad for him. We tried talking through what he was feeling, he didn’t, nor did I, understand how to change it. We tried eliminating all fried foods, all sugary drinks, processed foods, add more whole foods and it got a little better, but still present. When we eliminated meat from his diet, that’s when the change happened, literally overnight. It was like a veil had been taken off my son and he was this sweet, young boy that he was meant to be. We did have to go through a period of a few months of being almost the extreme opposite (I’d take that emotion any day over what he was going through) where he was very emotionally sensitive. He would cry more easily and at simple things. I believe it was such a change in emotions he wasn’t sure how to handle not being so angry. The were a small amount of times in the beginning when he had consumed meat and you could almost instantly see the change. So, we’ve made certain to be more strict with his food choices. He now understands why he can’t have certain foods and he’s good with that. We, as a family, have been vegan for over 5 years and it has been a lifesaver. My son has a great big heart, evenly tempered, very giving, inquisitive and very empathetic towards other children he sees reacting the same way he used to. We also homeschool and things are so much more at peace, no broken toys, no worrying about a sibling running away in fear of being hurt, sure we have occasional sibling stuff going on, but not like most other households. These 4 are together every day, all day, side by side, with a rare disagreement. This choice of being vegan had saved my family and especially my son.
This article was wonderful Jamie – but the comments are even better. They have me in tears over here. Three children are a heck of a blessing, but can also be over whelming. My middle child is an angry child and it effects every aspect of our family dynamic! It breaks my heart that when he is away – our house is happy and quiet…even our 3 year old comments. How horrible is that? He is a sweet boy – and I love him so much! I want him to have a sense of belonging and community within our family. Last winter I made the hard choice to put our kids back in school. I was miserable and spearing my poison to them. My eldest LOVES school, my three year old begs to go, but my poor angry middle child seems “meh” about everything.
I feel like such a failure with the homeschooling thing – being a mom is SO hard. I pray often, meditate and set intentions, but seeing all of these comments has made me feel less alone than I EVER have.
Thank you all for sharing – thank you for spreading hope. I am so deeply grateful. <3
Thank you for being so vulnerable and therefore encouraging for others who are struggling with the same thing. I’m sure you’ve read a ton of books in the meantime too. One that helped me in dealing with my own anger is Good and Angry by scott Turansky. He says that anger is good for identifying when there is a problem, it’s just not good for solving them. He also goes through a lot of common parenting situations and how to deal with them. And I love its biblical perspective as well. Prayers for you and the rest of us parents as we struggle to raise our kids the best way we know how!
This is so encouraging. Thank you!!!!
Hi im at a cross rd were my 10 year old daughter is quiet physically violent often punching me and kicking the other day she tipped my freezer box over and tried kicking my door. I homeschool her. I have told her if she doesn’t start listening she needs to go back to school shes meant to start tomorrow but my heart feels sad and heavy theres got to be another way any insight will be helpful please
Where do you live, Chloe? I’m so sorry to hear all that you and yours are going through. I can imagine and it breaks my heart for you both. Does she do this when she’s around others or does it just happen mainly around you? Has she always been this way or is there something unusual that has happened to bring this anger out? Does she have any other diagnosis from a doctor or counselor that might be a part of this behavior as well, or should you take her to someone you trust in order to pursue finding out?
It is possible that school could be better for her, so I think you’re wise to consider it. Don’t feel badly for trying it out–you’re searching for what’s best for your whole family, not just a single individual. There is hope! My child who used to struggle with anger has come a LONG way and has made a lot of progress since I wrote this. I just called him in as I was writing this to you and we said a prayer for you and yours. This supplement has also been a help to us: https://www.amazon.com/Natural-Vitality-Magnesium-Stress-Original/dp/B000OQ2DL4/
Thank you! Very encouraging …
I am right there with you. Things work differently for different people. We had to go the medication route after trying every single other option and it has helped. Not the solution but has allowed the child the ability to pause before acting…at times. That along with lots of prayer ( me alone, me with child, me with siblings) plus child’s maturity has helped. Also lots and lots exercise for this child….in the form of basketball. So many factors really I can’t point to one that works the best…diet is so important. Time together as a family…and as far as the siblings I realized late in the game, so to speak, the hurt they were experiencing and my husband and I have just wrapped our arms around them literally and with prayer. I don’t worry about any of them ( or the most part- I am not perfect!) bc I know God has them in the palm of his hand.
Have I already posted here? I’m so desperate for someone to give me some answers, or just some consolation. My daughter is 11 and will scream, tantrum, and even hit sometimes when she’s frustrated. The screaming can last hours. The tween time has been hard. I’ve read every parenting book around. Next year, she’s going to school. Her tantrums have affected my health and I feel done. Glad I’m not the only one. Some of the other homeschool moms’ children seem so perfect. I’m worried that my daughter will never stop the tantrums and won’t be a nice person when older; she’s really mean. Please pray for us.
Thank you for posting this! I was actually in the middle of reading this article when my angry child came up and had a screaming fit at me because he didn’t think he could finish his chore. Like you, we’ve tried so many things, some with small results, some that didn’t work at all, and some days I feel like nothing will ever solve this problem. It really does help just to see how many other moms are in the same situation.
I’m so sorry, Kalyna. God bless you!
This is my teenage daughter. She is an extrovert but does not connect with people her own age very well. We are going down a similar path. Currently, we had her evaluated and I am looking into a private school that will take her part time. We recently moved and she is not transitioning well. She has huge learning delays in math but excellent linguistic skills. I am glad you found an answer. I hope this works out for you.
Thank you for sharing your heart. It helps knowing there are other families trying to homeschool children in turmoil. The other family’s comments were super helpful to read.
I am a mom of three precious daughters, twin age 6 and single age 4. This is our second year of homeschooling. One of my twins has explosive screaming fits that last for long periods of time. She is often the instigator in sibling squabbles, and I have been noticing a new pattern of lying. She is smart and can do her school work, but her temper flairs in trying to get out of school work. It breaks my heart to deal with this day after day. I often think to put them all in school (and we have good schools here), but I think it would be hard for her to sit and not take frequent breaks. I try to spend one-on-one time with each during our school days and have lots of activities for them both inside and outside. It seems like my angry child gets easily overwhelmed and needs a quiet place to regroup often during the day (which is a trait I have found in myself). I am struggling to calm my angry child and balance the needs of my other two daughters, all while trying to do school. I have brought this to our pediatrician a few times, but I haven’t gotten any real direction for help. What am I missing?
I’m not sure there’s one direct answer, Rayna, as much as I wish I could say otherwise!
But here are a couple of links that could help:
https://simplehomeschool.net/core-phase/ (This would eliminate at least some of the schoolwork battles that lead to lying.)
https://simplehomeschool.net/greencompass/ (This is what really helped my son turn a corner, along with time and maturity.)
Sending up a prayer for you! xo
I loved your article very informative and heart felt. Brought tears to my eyes and it is what we went through with my daughter even when she was in public school. We actually started our home school journey because of her anger outburst over homework. However, you left out a very important option that can truly help many. At 10 years old we had daily melt downs over well everything. She was always telling me how much she hated me. The truth was she was just so confused as to why she was so angry all the time. We found a wonderful christian children’s therapist who worked with her and I weekly for about 9 months. This therapist helped her and I to recognize triggers that set off the anger. We addressed the ADHD with this terapy as well. the heart of some of her anger was that she didn’t understand her ADHD and that upset her and caused the melt downs. Therapy is a wonderful way to begin to understand oneself and learn new ways of dealing with the anger.