Never let your schooling interrupt your education.

Homeschooling a child with Asperger’s

//  by 

karimainpicmo

Homeschooling a child with Asperger’s
~ Written by Kari Patterson of Sacred Mundane.

I held my breath as I looked at the list. Every single item. It described him to the T. How had I never known? Wordlessly, I slid the laptop over to my husband. His eyes widened as he scrolled down, just as amazed.

You mean, this is a thing? 

There’s a name for this? And it’s legit?

Relief and grief often go hand-in-hand. On the one hand, I was overwhelmed with relief, finally freed from the crippling belief that all my son’s challenges were the result of my own inadequacies.

Terrible handwriting? Clearly my fault. Can’t tie shoes? My failure. Strange social behavior? My mess-up.

Lack of eye-contact, emotional maturity, empathy and a dozen other “typical” behavioral benchmarks?

All mommy-fails.

The hardest part of my homeschool year

But now, here, with one word I was freed from this Mommy-guilt prison.

His challenges weren’t my fault. This … was a thing.

Then, of course there was also grief. Online research can be helpful and horrible, and there were plenty of worst-case scenarios out there to make me imagine a grim future for my boy.

There was a also a bit of grief in swallowing my pride. I’ve always avoided labels, leaned toward unconventional methods, bucked against etiquette and social norms, and boasted in our delight-directed, do-our-own-thing style of school.

Deep down, I assumed a lot of these A-diagnoses (allergies, autism, Aspergers, ADHD) were merely figments of fretting parents’ imaginations.  

If we relaxed a bit and let our kids eat bugs and go barefoot, I figured they’d probably be fine.

Right?

But there was no denying this was a thing, and no amount of barefoot, Wild-and-Free homeschooling would change the fact that this kid had special challenges.

Special Challenges

While I’m now a firm believer in the legitimacy of the autism-spectrum, I also believe that every child has special needs.

In fact, most of us are probably on the spectrum somewhere. *smile*

Although our son is quirky, I can still trace most of his behavior to my husband or myself, and our parents. It just seems that all of our tiny streams of Asperger-ish tendencies were all funneled together into one gloriously unique little boy, who baffles and dazzles us daily.

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For us, the challenges are primarily in two areas:

  • Emotional/Social Immaturity

From day one, playdates were a nightmare. Starting with our son’s toddler-days, chaotic social situations quickly caused melt-downs. Instead, he would gravitate toward encyclopedic-books, documentaries, and adult-interaction. He clearly could not comprehend the unspoken social-norms that his peers naturally understood.

I found myself constantly explaining: “When the girl is crying that means you need to stop chasing her. When that person walks away it means they want to be done talking. When someone is hurt you need to stop and say, ‘Are you ok?'” 

Emotionally, things can go south fast, over unpredictable things. He has gone ballistic over the trauma of a haircut. His emotional attachment to things is intense.

When his favorite garden hose sprung a leak and broke, he sobbed, overwhelmed and disillusioned with life, lamenting that he’d never use another garden hose as long as he lived.

He forms intense emotional attachments with cardboard boxes, certain pillows, his carseat (he might be the first kid to drive a car while sitting in a carseat).

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  • Scattered Skills

The other challenge is widely scattered skills. On the one hand, his reading comprehension is sky-high. He has read hundreds of books. He owns 38 encyclopedias and has read them all cover to cover. His knowledge of science and history is astounding.

But his handwriting is barely legible, and I’m not sure if he’ll ever spell well. So our main challenge with homeschooling is discerning how to capitalize on his strengths while still working on his weaknesses, without a heap of tears.

This year I had to deal with my tendency to become angry with him over these areas of weakness, coupled with his emotional immaturity. I am constantly having to slow down and carefully determine when to push him and when to back off. I’m always praying for wisdom!2015-06-03 12.59.29

Special Blessings

Sure, I’ve cried more over this boy than over any other thing in all my life. He has brought to the surface every fear and insecurity, every weakness and selfish tendency.

He can push my buttons like nobody’s business, but his unique make-up has also been an incredible blessing. And since every child has special needs, I believe every child’s special needs are also a special blessing. 

Here are some blessings my son has brought my way:

  • Forcing me to forget what people think

For all my supposed disregard for social norms, I still care a lot what people think.

The truth is, it often feels embarrassing to have a child who looks normal, but behaves bizarrely.

Plus, I still like to avoid labels, and although we have talked openly with our son about this “trait” (we like this term better than “syndrome” because we firmly believe his uniqueness is as much as a strength as it is a challenge), I still rarely share this with others.

My fierce love for him has forced me to care less about what others think and more about what really matters.

  • Forcing me to tailor-make our own home-education

There’s just no nice-and-neat boxed curriculum that’s going to work with this kid.

We’ve done a lot of trial and error. Mostly error.

I shudder when I think back to my over-eager self pushing him into My Father’s World kindergarten curriculum when he was barely three-years-old.

Now, five years later, we’ve settled into our own messy hodge-podge curriculum concoction that I like to call Classical Unschool. I’m fairly certain the founders of both those movements would never claim us as their followers, but it works for us!

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Our homeschool is neither Pinteresty nor neat-and-tidy. I still find myself frustrated a lot. But this special child is gloriously unique and I know I am a better person because his quirkiness has caused me to grow.

He is thriving (and learning to spell!), has a few close friends who he loves deeply, and drinks up knowledge like no one I’ve ever known.

Yes, this has been the hardest part of my homeschool, but it is an incredible privilege to be his mama.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

How have your child’s Special Needs been a Special Blessing to you?

This post is part of our Hardest Part of my Homeschool Year series.

What’s Your Homeschool Mom Personality? Take Jamie’s quiz now and receive a free personality report to help you organize your homeschool based on what your personality type needs most!

About Kari Patterson

Kari Patterson and her family live out in the woods of the Pacific Northwest. As a 2nd-generation homeschooler she espouses the same philosophy her own mom did in the 80s: Cultivate a love for learning and one's education will never end.

She bakes bread, brews kombucha, speaks at conferences & writes at Sacred Mundane. Her book Sacred Mundane is available now.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Amber Metcalf

    Even though intellectually I know I’m not alone, sometimes it just absolutely feels like I am. I needed THIS article TODAY. My son is 13. He is wonderfully brilliant and deep and funny and loving. Everyday presents some sort of struggle. Many days we cry together over math. But I also get to marvel at how absorbed he gets watching a college level Apologetics video course. The world we live in sees Holden as odd and unsociable. But I know he is amazing, and I thank God for him, just the way he is, every single day. Blessings to you and your family!

    Reply

  2. Christy

    I have just in the last few months realized my son has Asperger’s. I knew he had issues, but, like you, Kari, didn’t like labels and I really didn’t want him labeled ADHD and have meds pushed at us. The Lord literally put a book in front of my face (at the library in the area where my kids were playing) called Bright, not Broken. It focuses on kids, like many of yours here, who are “twice exceptional” – extremely bright, gifted, often genius, but also on the autism spectrum. I just kept saying, that’s him! No wonder! So that’s what’s going on! We always knew he was special, but now we’re just beginning to see how special. His favorite books are also those Usborne encyclopedias! I’m so thankful that God had us planning to home educate before we had kids, because a classroom would have been horrible for him, and I would have had a hard time sympathizing because I’m a former communications teacher and major extrovert!
    If anyone has any recommendations for resources, I’d be grateful to hear. We haven’t had him tested or anything yet, but I’m thinking some speech therapy to help with social situations might be beneficial. We’re in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA area.

    Reply

  3. Toni Shearon Atherley

    Wow! I felt someone enter my mind and put to words exactly what I was feeling! When I found out his behavior and “quirks” had a name? When I went down the checklist and noted he exhibits 90% of these traits? What a lightbulb moment! Thank you for this! I LOVE my son even more and, I feel he is a blessing who was sent to teach me something!

    Reply

  4. Sonya peria

    I sit here weeping as I am reading this. I feel like I could have written this. This is my son to a T!!! We live in a small town in Ohio and while we are surrounded by people, my kids are very alone. I’m so glad your son has friends. That makes this journey so much easier

    Reply

  6. Melanie

    What a wonderful blog post!

    Our son has autism and we homeschool. Most days are challenging, but he thrives at home where in the public school he did not. It’s worth it all to see his face light up when he learns something new, to be there when he wrote his first paper, etc.

    It’s hard and amazing, challenging and rewarding. All at the same time.

    Reply

  7. Sherry

    Wow, we are living parallel lives! I could have written the exact same thing 🙂 Glad to know we are not alone!! Blessings to you!

    Reply

  8. Meriwether

    This describes my son exactly. He was just diagnosed at 8 years old, and we’re homeschooling. I would love to be in touch with you some time. I don’t have a website, so am not sure if my comment will come through, but your article is the closest I’ve seen to anything that reminds me of our experience, and I agree about labels. We haven’t told him anything about it, yet. Thank you for taking the time to write this. It really helps to find something that I resonate with.

    Reply

  9. Kim

    Thank you for sharing your journey, Kari! To say I can relate, is an understatement. I only wish I could have known of other homeschool mom’s with this challenge earlier. I was much like you; as you describe your sons kindergarten year. Only I stretched out the drudgery for about 3 more years before finally realizing, ” Houston, we have a problem!” I felt so helpless and alone, then. My challenging learner, is now 16 and we are slowly taking on the highschool years. I have seen some growth and that encourages me, but beyond that, I believe, as I’m sure you do, that his gifts and talents, though much different from the “norm” will benefit him in a future only His creator can see. I’m resting in that. Be encouraged, you are miles ahead already.???? God bless you and your handsome gift!

    Reply

  10. Larry geyer

    Help I’m a 66 year old granddad of a grandson who has aspergers he is in fifth grade and doing Terrible my wife and I have talked about home school I have a 7 grade education my wife is a college grad in banking this boy is so smart it’s scary but he just can’t take school we will do anything to help him we just don’t no what to do I will not let this child go to waste lm sorry to bother you folks but we are looking for any idea

    Reply

  11. Maria

    Hello Kari! I just read your post. I’m the Mexican mom of a special needs boy.
    In Mexico being a homeschool mom is the weirdest thing in the world. I chose what I thought it would be the best school for my kid, and during kindergarten was almost perfect, but now in 2nd grade, things are not going as smooth as it was two years ago.
    I’ve decided to homeschool-unschool Lucas and I’m scared to death.
    But my love is bigger than my fears and I believe that no one else could help to learn life abilities better than me just because nobody loves him more than myself.
    Please cheer me up! I’ll need all the strength to cope with this task and to close my eyes and ears to all the comments against my decition.
    Thanks for writing so we feel we’re not alone!

    Reply

  12. Jacqueline

    I could help but notice his arm severely hyper extending. Have you herd of or looked into hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome or hypermobility syndrome? Austistic spectrum disorders aren’t uncommon in that realm a month other diagnosis. That’s for sharing your experiences!

    Reply

  13. Leah

    Thank you for this post. It really resonated with me. I’m just beginning to consider homeschooling my daughter who has suspected Aspergers. I’m still waiting for a formal diagnosis, but finding this post is like a blessing.

    Reply

  14. Meagan

    Thank you for articulating this. We were also homeschooling long before we figured out that my husband and three children all have Aspergers to varying degrees. It is relief and grief and relief and grief. I’m still reeling from it honestly, but it comforts me to know that I’m not alone in this crazy journey.

    Reply

  15. CeAnne Kosel

    While it’s hard to see others going through the same it’s comforting to know we aren’t Al ne! We are also in the PNW and have 2 children with aspergers as well as a third in the spectrum. All 4 of our children were adopted. The three with these traits are from orphanges over seas.

    Reply

  16. Ella

    It has been day three since sending our son back to school. Today he is home because he had a meltdown at school yesterday. Our son is un-diagnosed Aspergers/Autistic, his paediatric appointment is not until October. My husband and I have gone back and fourth on the idea of home schooling him this year. I home schooled our son two years ago because he would have a meltdown from having to go inside from playing…everyday. I would expect a call at 10am and a very upset child who refused to go to class. Seeing our son this way was not normally how he acted. Looking back I realized that he didn’t act out like that at home because I was giving him everything he needed, lots of one on one time, play time, etc. So we homeschooled him… it was a disaster, he didn’t want to do anything, he only wanted to play. He could play literally all day, every square inch of the house was not spared his wild imagination. It’s a cool thing…. but he still needs to learn. Last year he was in grade 1 and I was a nervous wreck. The principal or his teacher would tell me about an incident about twice a week. Just as an example, our son was extremely upset when a boy decided he wanted to just scream at a mud puddle. Our son found that to be quite upsetting and tried protecting the puddle, ending in a yelling match. He is nothing short of a genius, he has a memory I envy, very creative and articulate, could run a marathon and has a heart of gold, but socially he was struggling very much. It’s not like he wasn’t being socialized. He could talk to adults and pay for his own treats at the cash registers, never has an issue while playing with new kids at the park, he was in swimming lessons and I would take him to see his father at school in between teaching classes. Being away from me was hard on him, it probably made things worse. At this point we had no idea that our son had any type of Autism, just that he was a bit different than the average. So when we were approached about the possibility that he was on the spectrum, we started look for help. Back to the present day, with summer over and school open again, my anxiety is very high and was having mixed emotions about sending our son back to school. So I tried to find relief and valadation online, I have no one to really talk to or who gets it. I came across your article and was just amazed at your honesty and openness to share. Your son is very similar to ours, it’s just amazing. From your article I realized that our son would be better off learning from home and that I need to find more help in that process. I am not seeing any benefit from him being in school. Thank you for the read, it made my day. I now know what I must do.

    Reply

  18. Rosy

    Thank you very much, we are going through the same, my aspie is 10 years old, I am starting home school him, what you describe of your son is as if you were talking about mine, it’s good to know that we are not alone, because there are moments that I think It’s my fault and I do not do enough, thank you very much for your words, without much help.

    Reply

  19. Anne

    Thank you so much!!!!! I am homeschooling two with special needs, but my youngest who is 9 is going through the testing for autism now. I can relate to so many of your thoughts here, including the self doubt (did I cause this?) and the hodgepodge curriculum. You gave me permission to stop beating myself up and know that I am not alone. Blessings!

    Reply

  20. Heather

    Thank you for writing this extremely relatable post. Like many others who have responded, my 11yo son has Asperger’s. It has been a challenge even with family members to explain that yes, he looks completely normal, but he’s not. It took me a while to even get him tested, because of my pigheaded-ness, but when I finally did, I felt just like you, relief mixed with grief. I am thankful for that diagnosis now and appreciate that I can see the amazingness of my son that isn’t regular or average but so far beyond. His brain is extraordinary and the way he processes problems and situations sometimes makes me feel like the one with an issue. Thank you for this post again, came when I really needed it.

    Reply

  21. Morgan

    It’s like you described my baby girl without ever meeting her, minus the spelling part. Other than that, thank you for taking the words right out of my mouth.

    Reply

  22. Katie Jones

    I found this post tonight and feel like I can relate in almost every way, including homeschooling! My son is 7 and I have been struggling for years feeling that I was doing something wrong or ruined him somehow. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it has helped me tremendously and I feel like I have finally stumbled upon a missing puzzle piece to better understanding my son. I realize this post is several years old, but you are still spreading awareness and teaching others through it!! I would love to hear an update on how homeschooling is going.

    THANK YOU! 😀
    KJ

    Reply

  23. Amanda G

    Thank you!!! It’s 2019 and this post is still giving ASD parents a reason to breath (a little) easier knowing we aren’t the only ones with special little kiddos with the same “trait”.

    Reply

  24. Crystal

    We believe our son has Asperger’s, but he has not been diagnosed. Did you find any benefit from the diagnosis? I’ve struggled with anger and frustration with him to the point where I’ve considered sending him to school so they could teach him how to deal with others and calm down and follow routines, but when I think about him there, I have no idea how he’d thrive without them crushing him to fit into their mold. Do you have any advice on how to get my anger and expectations under control so we can enjoy homeschooling?

    Reply

    • Kari Patterson

      Hi Crystal, first I’m so sorry I missed this comment earlier! So, we actually didn’t get an official diagnosis for Dutch. There was a one YEAR wait-list for the diagnostic testing, and when we looked through all the materials he’d have to go through, we knew the whole process would be too overwhelming. Not worth it! Of course everyone is different, but for us, we didn’t see the need for an official diagnosis. When Dutch was 7-10 I felt exactly what you are describing–enormous anger and frustration, often. I thought the same thing–maybe I should just send him to school, but then knew he would not thrive and it’d end up being worse. I wrote a series of posts here about what really turned things around for us–getting back to focusing on character (over academics), painstakingly teaching routine and follow-through on simple tasks, and eliminating any unnecessary stresses from his life. I’ll find the links to those articles and send them over, I hope they can be helpful. He’s now 13 and doing GREAT! I’m amazed at the mature, responsible, capable teen he has become–I never would have dreamed when he was 8 or 9 that he’d ever be able to function like this. There’s hope, friend!
      Kari Patterson’s latest post: Global crisis, personal turning point

      Reply

      • Smita Renee

        Hi Kari
        Thanks for your post and thank you all for sharing your stories. For years I’ve been feeling guilty that I’ve done something wrong and only recently realised that me and my daughter are high-functioning but on the spectrum – not formally diagnosed. My 13 year old is a very bright kid but was always anxious and now has become depressed and suicidal. Although she gets straight As, she hates school, to the point that this anxiety and depression has taken over her life. She doesn’t want to go to school. She has asked why can’t she be home-schooled. My biggest worry is the social side of it. She’s always been extremely shy and reserved and if she doesn’t go to school, I think she will have no social interaction. She is also an only child, so doesn’t have sibling interaction. She is responsible and smart and I know she will be fine academically but am worried about her social skills and the potential not knowing how to interact with people. I’m really struggling and don’t know what the best thing is for her. What have your experiences been when home schooling on social skills/interactions?
        Smita Renee’s latest post: Weekend homeschool links: June 12th

        Reply

        • Kari Patterson

          Smita Renee, I’m so sorry that I’m just now seeing this! Somehow I missed it tucked into this other thread…my heart goes out to you, I love that you are being so conscientious in seeking what’s best for your daughter. She sounds fabulous! It’s very telling that your daughter is begging to be homeschooled! Sounds like she’d love to be with you! In my opinion, social skills are best taught intentionally by parents, not picked up by peers. So your teaching and training of her will be the best way for her to learn to be kind, polite, respectful, and how to have conversations. Also, she probably will do best interacting with adults (most high-function autism/Asp kids do), so if you can give her opportunities to interact with adults who she can relate to, ask questions, get in discussions, that will be excellent! Do you have a faith community? That’s where my children get their social interaction–we try to make friends with families, so that we can relate and interact as a family, even if kids aren’t the same age, they will learn to play and interact as their parents do. If she’s this adamant about being home, I would only imagine that the social interaction part will actually come EASIER for her once she’s in an environment that’s not so stressful. Once she can relax and be herself she’ll likely find it way easier to interact with others. My son, also 13, has about 5-7 good friends, aged 9-15, and he has lots of time interacting with adults. That’s sufficient for his social interactions! Don’t hesitate to ask more questions or contact me again if you wish. I’m happy to help in any way I can!! I’m definitely rooting for you!

          Reply

  25. Meg

    Our 8 year old son was diagnosed with Asperger’s last spring and we have just made the decision to homeschool him. This article gives me so much hope that we’re making the right choice as do all of the comments. I have tears in my eyes thinking about all of us working so hard to do our best for our amazing kiddos. Thank you all!

    Reply

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