Written by Jamie C. Martin of Simple Homeschool and Introverted Moms,
yet again with the permission of my angry child
Back in 2015, I wrote a post called Homeschooling an Angry Child as part of our blog series, The Hardest Part of My Homeschool Year.
{If you’ve never read it, it will give more context to this one.}
I had no idea what the response would be.
I knew I felt compelled to write about my experience. Sharing truthfully the highs and lows of the homeschooling journey has always been a priority to me in this space.
Would you rather listen to this post?
And yet, I also carried hidden shame and guilt over what we were going through, some dark corner inside me believing it must be at least partially my fault.
But I typed out my scary truths, attempting to do so in a way that both honored my child’s privacy and my own reality. And then I was blown away.
I genuinely had no idea that so many others struggled with a similar situation.
No idea that the post would become one of the top ten visited in the history of this site, generating the most reader comments of any post, both here and on social media.
I felt less alone afterwards, and what a gift to know that many of you did as well.
That post has also been the top one that readers have requested an update to in the years since I wrote it, asking, “How is your child doing now, and how have you navigated the situation since 2015?”
My child who struggles with anger was a tween when I wrote the first post, and is well into life as a teenager now.
Here’s what the road we’ve traveled has been like, and what has helped us the most in the past five years.
Homeschooling an angry child: What has helped us most
1. Getting a brain map (qEEG) done
A couple of years ago we paid to have a qEEG done on my child’s brain. The results marked an incredible turning point.
We left with two big takeaways:
a – This was not my fault
b – This was not my child’s fault
At one point the professional analyzing the results even told me, “If you were not homeschooling this child, I have no doubt that what you’re struggling with now pales in comparison to the type of response you would be seeing. The fact that this child is doing as well as they are, given what I’m seeing in their brain, is a testament to the atmosphere you have created in your home.”
Friends, I can’t tell you the weight that fell from my shoulders that day.
Beyond that, my husband Steve and I walked out of the room having a lot more compassion for our child. This was not “a bad kid,” not a child who “just needs more discipline,” like we’d wondered or had even been told through the years.
This was a child doing the best they could, in spite of certain wiring patterns that existed due to past trauma.
Even though the Neurofeedback treatment that often follows a qEEG evaluation ended up not being the right solution for our child, I still consider the money for the brain map itself as some of the best we’ve ever spent.
2. Creating a fictional at-home character
I feel silly even mentioning this, yet my child points to it as one of the things that has helped them most. Like many creative solutions, it was borne out of necessity and frustration!
One day a couple of years ago, while in the midst of a reading lesson with this child, I began pretending that they were the parent and I was their child.
It helped us get through that one lesson, and brought a smile to our faces as they practiced reading a story to me.
Soon we had named this fictional daughter that I had created, and she began making appearances at other times, too. Like in situations when this child was on the brink of misbehaving, “Oh! I thought you taught me that we shouldn’t act that way…”
This shot a tiny strand of humor into what could otherwise become a volatile situation, somehow helping my child regain their equilibrium.
It’s not uncommon these days for this child to put an arm around me and say, “My daughter…” It’s become an endearing aspect of our relationship, as crazy as it sounds.
3. Maturity
Time never allows anything to go unchanged forever, and although in certain seasons it has felt like progress has been slower than a snail’s pace…maturity has done a work in my child’s heart and mind.
As we continue to follow the suggestions I mentioned in my first post, including choosing our battles wisely, we have seen growth that over time has blessedly made a difference.
Maturity does its work, even in the most extreme cases, and my child has been no exception, in spite of the fact that we now have an influx of adolescent hormones to contend with.
4. Green Compass CBD oil
Over the years we have tried SO many things in an attempt to help our child, including treatments that cost thousands of dollars without delivering any visible results.
So I was beyond skeptical about another one, but I’m so grateful that we gave Green Compass CBD oil a try about a year go!
Without a doubt, it helped our child turn a corner like nothing else ever has, with visible improvement noted in impulse control and the ability to calm down earlier in situations that previously escalated.
I do want to mention that it hasn’t been a miracle cure, but has undeniably made a difference. We’ll take it! Recently we have had some success using melatonin for sleep (afflink) as well.
If you’re homeschooling an angry child, too:
I asked my child what advice they would give to parents helping children through a similar situation, and this is what they shared:
Give your child lots of love, attention, and support. Pray for them and be firm and loving, like my mom did with me. That works after a while.
My child also offered this prayer for those of you going through this same struggle:
Lord Jesus, help this child get more control over their anger, so they can have good relationships. I pray that their mother will know what to do and that she will have patience, which will help the child become calmer. Amen.
Are you homeschooling an angry child, too? What has helped you hold on to hope over the years?
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LOVE this post. I too have wondered how things have changed since 2015, thank you for this update. I needed to leave a reply today because your child’s beautiful prayer for the other parents and children out there melted my heart! Coupled with such do-able advice, it is a tangible gift to other families looking for answers. You are amazing! Stay blessed!
Thanks for such kind words, Amy. You’re so welcome.
Amazing posts! Best description of our family and my feelings. It IS our family — times two: TBI, anxiety, mood disorder, PANDAS, . . . Many years of sleepless nights, explosive anger, broken doors, windows, hearts, police calls, MHAs, . . . Years of searching for answers and “cures'” : Books, therapists, supplements, neuro psychiatrist and psychologist evaluations, brain mapping (confirmation) . . .
No substantial changes yet. But I have learned a few thing along this path:
1. Though it took years to get there, finally sharing my family struggles lifted a huge load off my shoulders. Shame doesn’t have such a strong hold. And when I am feeling it, a friend will not allow me to earlier in it.
2. Sharing my struggles also gave others permission to share. There is no such thing as a perfect family. We all need someone to be our real selves with.
3. No matter how long it lasts, this strobe is temporary. As a believer, I am on this earth to live as a representative of God’s kingdom. I’m on foreign ground. Hardship is part of this earthly kingdom. In eternity, this time will seem “light and momentary.” Amen!
4. I am never alone in this struggle. Since I have a Good Shepherd, I lack nothing. I need Him every moment. And He is here every moment, never leaving or forsaking. Without Him, I don’t know how I could have endured. With Him, I can move forward into each day.
5. God sees, knows and loves me and my family. He is working out his best in our lives. He created us for a purpose; will sustain, carry and rescue us in the hardships of life. (Isaiah 46:4). He can be trusted to get me through.
There is so much more! God is so faithful and good!
Thank you for sharing your heart, struggles and hope.
So much love to the two of you!
xoxo
Love the prayer! It made me tear up. Thank you for sharing this piece of your lives with us. I’ve followed Simple Homeschool since the beginning and love to see how you all have grown, matured and changed.
You’re so welcome, Katie! Thanks for commenting; it means so much to hear from readers that have journeyed with us long-term. xo
Thank you so much for sharing your stories, compassion, and prayers. My homeschooling journey began *because* one of my five children was struggling greatly with something I couldn’t identify for years. She suffered with extreme mood swings, anxiety, OCD tendencies, sensory processing issues, social/peer difficulties, and more. Homeschooling was so hard because she constantly melted down into full fledged tantrums when she was frustrated or confused about a concept (whereas in public school she used all her energy to keep herself pulled together and then melted down at home the rest of the afternoon/evening). Nearly 7 years later, she is a teenager who is doing quite well. Her condition has been identified (an autoimmune disorder called PANDAS), she is on prescription and herbal supplements, and she has the flexibility with education to meet her unique needs. The hardest part for me is hearing her say how much she hates homeschooling and wishes she could go to public school. It’s been HARD working with her and staying patient over the years, and hearing her hate that we are doing this literally stings my soul. BUT – I firmly know that God nudged me to take this path. I firmly know that things would be so much harder for her in public school. As mothers we sacrifice our own comfort for the good of our children. Christ suffered & sacrificed for me. I can do this. We can do this with His help!! 💛 Thank you, Jamie, for sharing and for all the support I’ve gained from your efforts over the last 7 years!!
I think of this often, too, Allyson! Sending up a prayer for you and yours now. xo
My heart is with you Allyson! I too, homeschool a daughter with PANS. Not a lot of people know what it is, so when I read this comment, I just wanted to reach out to say that your family is in my prayers ❤️
Thank you for the update. Ad the Holy Spirit leads I have been praying for your family. One of my sons suffers from mental health issues brought on by trauma before his adoption from Russia.
CBD oil has made a huge difference in the life of one of my “angry” children. For the other psychiatrist-prescribed Strattera has been the key. Fortunately, one of my “angry” ones is also diagnosed with Autism, so we qualify for ABA therapy. The therapists work in-home, and the focused therapy for one child is filtering through the family for blessings all around. It’s a long, hard road, but the joy of having the anger tamed and seeing my children shine through their traumas and biological psych issues is incredible.
I wish you and yours continued joy!
Anne and Jamie, I have a question. How do you get your child to take the CBD oil ? It has an awful taste and I’m afraid of running into more struggles just to get my child to take it… Thank you for your advice ?
They have different flavors, Rebecca, so I would experiment. My son likes mint; my daughter likes cinnamon…
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I was searching for some advice in dealing with very difficult behavior with one of my children. I know without a doubt the Lord led me to your website and even to this update. Thank you. So grateful!
I’m so pleased to hear this, Kim. God bless you and yours! xo
I tried the link to learn more about your experience with the cbd oil but it says that the post is password protected. I’d love to hear more about your experience and get more info on the cbd oil you used. TIA
I had the same question.
Kristi are you still seeing these comments?